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Just Sayin’…

January 24, 2011

I am really struggling right now.  I have goals I am striving for and, even though I try to keep my plate as free as possible, I find myself feeling overwhelmed.

There are blogs of online friends I want to read and posts that I have already read to which I want to respond. I have drafts I want to finish and others I want to start. I very much want to catch up with my art and poetry blogs.

Then there is Facebook…from which I have been pulling back and forums where I want to catch up with my online friends. I also own a couple of other blogs that I am trying to keep caught up. Then there are podcasts to which I want to listen.

And don’t forget family! I want/need to spend time with them, too! In fact, they should be a very high priority. I spent almost all day trying to get some programs loaded on my son’s laptop…in addition to trying to figure out how to get the filtering software settings livable. As much as I love my son, it was very draining for me…plus, it makes me feel even more pressured to get everything else done that I want to do.

Spending time with my heavenly Abba should be my number one. He is the One who keeps me balanced. The less time I spend on that heart connection, the worse I do. I must make decisions. I cannot do everything. I have to figure out what is most important to me…and that is not easy for I feel I already don’t do the things most important to me.

Moving will help…somewhat…but I will still only have so much time. At least I will then have a room I can go into. I won’t be distracted by the guys watching something. I also won’t have the energy drain of trying to hide the fact that I am triggered. The last couple of days or so it has gotten worse. That is not too surprising, though, considering my sister’s birthday is coming up.

Then there is also my art. Oh, how I miss it. I feel as if there is something germinating inside, but I cannot get it out. I did buy myself an art book, though! It is a sketch book that I hope to be using. Which brings up another thing…I am hoping to enter the current Expressive Arts Carnival…and I only have a couple more days!

Add to all that the loss of two people this week. I was not close to either of them, yet they both affect me, albeit it in different ways. One was an elderly woman who sat with two other elderly women in our congregation. We almost always sat right in front of them or near them. I would always greet them and they would always light up. Last night, I saw her in a coffin. I was so bad about remembering names that I did not realize who it was when they announced her death in the morning. But that night, when I came back for a class, I found out how it was. It was one of “my three ladies”.  I couldn’t cry yesterday, but I am now…which is actually a good thing.

The other was the son of a man in our evening class. 35 years old. History of mental issues and drug use. He was found on the floor next to his bed…OD’d. People had reached out to him, but he is still gone. My sister was 37 when she died. Although her situation was not identical…there are enough similarities. My heart breaks for those who experience the loss of a loved one. It is hard.

Oh, and did I mention that I am struggling to eat? I know a lot of that has to do with the hassle of cooking in this tiny place. Still, I learned how to shut off hunger so well all those years ago. It is still difficult sometimes to know if I am hungry or not. Sometimes, I just don’t feel well. And lately, I have not felt very good. The off sleep schedule does not help. I keep hoping we will move soon so that I can have at least some semblance of control over my life again.

PTSD…oh, what FUN!! NOT!!! My heart hurts and I don’t even know exactly why most of the time.

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7 comments

  1. Sorry to hear you are struggling. It really seems like the holiday really set me back in accomplishing what I was- I feel so out of routine and can’t seem to get back what I had so I understand. Know though I am behind in reading and commenting to am thinking of you and hoping you get your balance 🙂


    • Thanks, Anna. I appreciate your coming by…especially when you, too, are out of routine! I hope we will both find our balance soon!


  2. It seems that a lot of people are struggling. I don’t have a theory except maybe that it has to do with everyone pushing to get through the holidays and now there is a sort of collapse. You will get things together because you are very aware of what you need. Just go slow and you will do it.


    • Thanks, Paul, for your faith in me. Go slow? I was just coming here to write about that very thing and saw your comment. :-\


      • What can I say??


        • You have already said it, Paul. And I appreciate it very much…just as I appreciate you.

          We are all fighters. We will all get through this season of whatever it is. Perhaps your theory is correct about the after holidays “collapse”. It can take a lot of energy to do the holidays and that can leave us with a bit of a let down later. That is one reason I work very hard to try and keep the holidays calm and restful.

          I posted about going slow…got it out on “paper”, as it were. I think I really needed to write…to take a few minutes break from uploading artwork.

          Thank you so much for coming by. I know you have your own struggles, so your coming by means a lot. I have had your last post open on my blog for days now, but I just have not been able to write a comment.


  3. […] Survivor's Thoughts on Life « Just Sayin’… Go Slow?… January 25, […]



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