Go Slow?…

January 25, 2011

I came here to write about going slow…or not. Lo and behold, Paul left a comment on a previous post about that very thing!

In the post, I mentioned all the things on my plate…all the things that I am trying to do and that contribute to my feeling overwhelmed. One of those things is putting my artwork up on my art blog. I mean…hey…it was what…last July(?) that I did the Webinar. It is about time I finish getting them up. Of course, it is not that I have been slacking. I have not had access to my laptop or my photo software for several months. So, now is “catch-up” time.

My goal is within a month. However, this is very challenging. Some of it is the practical stuff of prepping things for upload. Although, thankfully, I did get a lot of that done before I lost the use of my laptop. But there is more to it than that.

Each piece I upload, I am reviewing. I am, on some level, revisiting the piece…what it was about…the reason I did it…what I hoped to accomplish. And yes, sometimes I revisit the pain. Oh, it may not even be conscious. Sometimes it manifests as just an “unsettled feeling”.

There is a lot that I have had to “put aside” for the last few years because of our living situation. I have had to keep on doing life with unresolved pain inside. I have been told that I am “shut down” inside…and I believe that to be the case. But when I look at my art…it is as if I am “unshutting” down. Between the art and the potential move…which may actually happen within a month (we are not sure, yet)…there is, I think, the beginning of an awakening.

I don’t know what the move will bring, but there is a lot of potential for stuffed things…and a shut down system…to start popping up…and out. The last thing I dealt with before moving here…or actually as I was moving here and immediately afterward…was all the junk that KB and her client wrought in my life. Yeah…the KB who is, hopefully, getting her license permanently revoked…forever…and ever…and ever!

Some of this art work deals with her. Or with another therapist I did some online/phone work with around the same time. And then there is the therapist I tried to get help from after we moved here. Ugh! All three are in some of my artwork. With two of them…KB and RM…it was all bad. With one…JM…it was a mix. JM at least gave me my art back by telling me how to do it on my PC. For that I am grateful…even though he caused a lot of disruption in my system with his arrogance.

So…on the one hand, I need to give myself the time to upload the pieces without being overly affected. On the other hand, I really want to finish getting them up…and rearranged into date order. I will probably always be affected…at least on some level. I guess the question is…are the effects manageable? Can I work with them…and through them?

I have always been a fighter. I hate to quit anything…although I have learned to do so. At this point, I guess I will just keep plugging along as best I can. And…heaven forbid…if I need to…I will slow down. I do take breaks when I need to…which is, at least, a good thing.


  1. Yes, you do take breaks. I think two of the hardest things we have to do in healing is to know when to push ourselves and know when to give ourselves a break. You just have to feel your way. Listen very carefully (as you are doing). You will know when it’s time for which.

    • One really good thing about this is that I am learning how much healing is tied into the artwork…and in my journals. I had to look through some of my journaling to verify some things connected to the artwork. It definitely stirred up some things. When I am ready…I will go back through my artwork and maybe through some of my journaling. Although, it was rather painful being reminded of some things.

  2. I feel like you do. There is so much I would like to accomplish. These days I have to go slow because some of my kid parts are learning to see and live in the present and the process is painful for me and takes a lot of energy. I do look forward to seeing your artwork.

    Have peace and fun.

    • Thanks, radicalhope. I have been focused on putting up my artwork. I really want to get it caught up and move on to new art and working on my poetry blog. But I am tired and not feeling well…so I really need to go slow.

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