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Ways of Healing…

March 29, 2011

In a previous post called Keeping Up With Life…, I wrote the following: Yahweh is good. He kept me alive…kept me going. He did not let me give up. He did not let me take my life. He did not let me go in psych ward. He helped me watch over my children. He strengthened me and helped me to grow. He protected me in SO many ways!

When I wrote that I was concerned that someone might read the part about not going into a psych ward in a way that I did not intend. However, it was one of those days when my brain felt kind of like mush. It seemed better to just leave it alone at the time.

Crystal wrote a comment that I really appreciate:  it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to have to be in a psych ward you know. God created doctors to care for people. A ward made me feel safe when i was at my worst. I didn’t want to be there either but i don’t regret it.

Crystal makes a good point and I apologize if I left ANYONE thinking that I thought going into a psych ward would be a negative thing. As I wrote back to her: I know MANY people who have been in psych wards. Although some have had nightmare experiences, most of them have been helped tremendously…and even continue to be helped tremendously.

There have been times when I actually wished I COULD have gone in myself…although I started out terrified of the possibility. I truly believe that, in my situation, it would have had a negative impact on my children. There are a lot of ins and outs involved, but the upshot is that I think it would have been used against me when I had to separate from my husband…that I could have lost my children to their very messed up father.

And there are my parents. My mother once told me that she actually considered trying to have my children taken away from me. I think a hospital stay would have worked in her favor. Not only that, but in all the difficulties I have had with them it would have been constantly thrown in my face as a reason for not taking me seriously…which is very sad. Truth is…just because someone has been in a psych ward does NOT make them any less than anyone else. Sadly, though, there ARE those who believe that.

So, although it has worked out well for others…I don’t think it would have for me.


6 comments

  1. I think gratitude is important to express. Not all of us have equal gratitudes, and sometimes that is painful. It’s painful for all of us who read, because we’ve all been there.

    So don’t worry. Life hurts, sometimes. We’re all going to trigger each other without meaning to.

    ~meredith~


    • I think I understand what you mean.

      I am not sure if this relates, but I have seen people who are able to do things I sure can’t do. They get degrees…work at great jobs. I am grateful that they have been able to do that even though I cannot.

      I also see people who juggle all kinds of physical challenges on top of their emotional pain…dealing with way more than I am. Some have lots of flashbacks and nightmares, etc. Again…way more than I have had to deal with. I don’t why that is.

      Maybe I have not gone through some of it because I am not as strong as they are…I would not have survived it. I don’t know. I am just grateful to be alive…and to be living life…in whatever way I can.


  2. I really like the heart you write with, we are all given different circumstances and had we not been every where we have been, well, we wouldn’t be exactly where we are now! I did end up in a psych ward, well about 6 “admitions” over 2 years time, while honestly they were horrible experiences and I really didn’t learn anything helpful…I will say, during the last visit something snapped and I gained a new focus, to get the heck out of the place I was and start over- BEST CHOICE EVER!

    Though now I’m in the position of you- I mean, I’m basically terrified of the places now, but also, I have kids and an H and it’s just not something I think I can do right there. THere have been some times I wish I could just check in, get some intense counseling, etc…but then again- it wasn’t my experience before and my family- well I am focused on doing all I can for them, so whatever comes my way, I know I must make it work out and “stay ok”.


    • Thanks for sharing, Anna! I SO get what you are writing. There are times when I have simply longed for a safe place where I could hide away…with support…to just focus and work through some tough things. I wanted a place where I would not have to be “on duty”…no one “needing” me or my attention. It would not even have to be a hospital! In fact, I did go to a couple’s house early on for a few days…twice. While there I experienced some huge memory recall, healing and integration. It was what was needed in order for me to survive and for hubby and I to keep our son safe…although we did not know it at the time.

      Each of us has a different healing journey. There are some similarities and some differences. It does not necessarily make one better than another…just different. I was offered a free ride in a special new in-hospital program. It did not pan out due to uncontrollable things that hit the hospital program. At first, I was disappointed. Later, as I watched the good doctor change into someone different from the person I had met in person…I was actually kind of glad that it did NOT work out.

      I have learned that all things happen (or don’t happen) for a reason. I have learned to trust the Creator…Yahweh…for that. I don’t always understand. I have lots of questions at times…but I am able to be content with not knowing all the answers right now. Some day…I will know them.


  3. I was in my twenties and thirties when I was in and out of the psych unit. I was not married and had no kids and mostly lived at home during that time. That was way before I was diagnosed with DID and was barely aware of the abuse. It’s kind of hard to remember it when you still live with the abusers. It served a purpose at the time but it would no longer, even if I was having a really hard time. It is true that people don’t take you seriously if you’ve been in the psych unit. They don’t understand that it doesn’t mean you are out totally of touch with reality.

    There is a need to have a place to get away to for a day or two. But there are almost no options, no one to take me in and help care for my wounded soul. I’m mostly on my own for that.


    • I feel for you, sojourner. Oh, how I have longed at many times in my life for a safe place to land. It was my dream to provide one for others, but that takes resources I don’t have. So, I just try to be one online as much as I can. I know it is difficult.

      And yes…people don’t get it. I know someone who has done everything in her power to stay out of the mental health system completely out of concern that it could be used against her. I have not done that, but I think it is something that each one of us needs to weigh out for ourselves while not judging anyone else for their experiences, choices and needs. We need to support one another and encourage one another. It is too bad that the world at large does not get that. And it is too bad that they judge those who DO!



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