Emailed Mother…

April 13, 2011

Why? Good question. Perhaps I am simply a permanent optimist? Perhaps I am just always hopeful that something might have changed? Perhaps I am just plain nuts? Or even stupid?

I am not really expecting anything different this time. I am just making sure I am doing what I can do.

I am tired. The email from my father that was not supposed to get to me…the one that was supposed to be blocked…told me the criteria for us having a relationship. They call the shots…not me. Plus…we let them talk without interference with our youngest son and without us listening in. Hubby and I won’t do that. We just can’t.

I would actually be willing to let them talk to him…but only if we listen in. I am not telling them that, of course. I am not that stupid. I know it is all about him and them and not about me. I don’t count. I am unimportant…period. Such is my life. I am deemed worthy by others, but not by them.

Their loss.


  1. For YEARS I continually tried to “reframe” my relationship with my mother. I desperately needed a “mother-daughter” relationship, one I never had from my earliest years. Even with her emotional, psychological abuse and her enabling my stepfather’s sexual abuse, I kept trying to have what I THOUGHT I needed. With each attempt at a new relationship, I couched it in parameters I thought we both could abide…no bring up of past perceived faults she thought I had, and I not re-addressing past hurts. But each attempt ended in failure…not on my part, it seems that my mother was incapable of moving foward and leaving the past in the past. I failed to realize how narssarsistic she was. Each of my many attempts ended in failure and hurt. Each failure only added to my own mental illness, self-hate, how bad I thought I was…because my mother didn’t care or love me. Only after many years of therapy & only a year before her passing did I finally give up, and understand I was looking for something that could never be. I struggle daily with this, and it permiates all thru my alters, adds to depression and PTSD. I don’t believe I will ever work thru the trauma of what happened as child, or work thru the trauma of knowing my mother couldn’t love me without thinking it was my fault, rather than hers. I applaud your efforts with your mother and I pray things work out for you the way you hope.

    • My heart goes out to you kristinelil. When coming from a place of believing that you really need someone, the ramifications of being rejected can be devastating.

      I am thankful to be coming from a place of not needing her in my life…or him. I will be writing more about why I bother to write to her. I do have a reason…but it is not out of need to have her in my life. I have more “peace” with her (and him) not in my life!

      I believe you WILL work through this in your life, kristinelil!

  2. Wow. I really hope you find your way AWAY from them. I wish you peace with all my heart.


    • Thanks, Meredith. I do not need them in my life. There is a reason I continue to reach out to them from time to time. I will be writing more about that soon. 🙂

  3. You deserve to be surrounded by loving people who have earned your trust.

    • Awww…thanks, radicalhope! I am. Even if I don’t feel that I can be 100% open about everything about me (does anyone?)…I do know there are those who love me…I believe unconditionally. There are some in my life that I hope to be able to open up more to someday.

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