Grieving the Finality of What Will Never Be…

March 9, 2012

I found out yesterday that my mother passed away on December 24, 2010. Yep…that is 1 year, 2 months and 14 days, plus or minus. And he is already remarried…I have NO idea for how long.

We permitted our son to call my mother…it’s a long story. When he asked about his grandmother, my father told him that she had died two years ago on a date my son did not remember. I got the actual date by calling the coroner’s office. They were able to confirm the date of her death and the cause…melanoma. I was told that she had been in hospice care, which was why her death was reported to them. It is a law in that state to report all deaths of people in hospice care.

Over the years I have grieved for what was and grieved for what wasn’t. And now, I need to grieve for what for sure will never be. There will never be reconciliation. Never be recognition. Never be an apology or forgiveness extended. Never be so many things.

I have a lot to think about…and a lot to feel. It can be difficult not to second-guess myself, but there are things I need to face in order to settle things in my own mind and heart. I was told she was dying, but not that she was in hospice care or that it was imminent. My father just kept playing games and, I believe, actually kept us apart…especially given what she said in the one time I did talk to her…a call that was interrupted by my father.

Things are a bit complicated and I am having to sort them all out. I need to own whatever is mine and refuse to take on whatever is not. I will not try to pick up another’s guilt. It is simply not mine to carry. Nor is it for me to run from my responsibilities. I went into this with eyes wide open. I knew the risks. I took the chance. Now it is over. Now I will process from a different place…on the other side of her death.

It is sad when someone lies so much that even when they tell the truth it is not the whole story and you don’t really know what you can believe. There are so many what ifs that I could run through. And taking a look is not a bad idea…but living there is. I must face what I must face and trust my heavenly Abba to walk me through to the other side. He has never let me down.


  1. I am so sorry to hear this. You seem very strong; I wish you all the best in dealing with this difficult situation.


    • Thank you, Jessica. My strength comes from the Creator. I am very grateful for His love toward such a one as me.

  2. I am so very sad to read this. The inner pain of the irreconcilable continues for you and trying to face a future with all that now cannot ever be said.

    I pray that God will grant to you the peace that only He can give to comfort you and bring to near to His heart where you can find rest and be comforted. Families can be good places and not so good places. Those situations that cannot be reconciled, most heart-wrenching. My prayers are with you as you sort through all of this.

    • Thank you, NanaDoll. Situations that cannot be reconciled is something I have had to learn to live with all of my life. Thankfully, Yeshua helps me a LOT with that. He is my strength.

  3. I’m so sorry to hear about this, and that your closure will need to be found elsewhere. x

  4. I came across this post through search & just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss! I make hearts that pay tribute to those we have lost & will make you one if you want…my gift to you!

    • Thank you, hon. How do the hearts work?

      • I’m not sure I understand what you are asking. They are a keepsake with your loved ones name on them. All you have to do if you would like one is to request to my email. Please know that I was initially just going to post saying I understood your sadness, I do not want to come across in any way as self promoting my hearts. ~Peace

        • I understand. I did not take it as a promotion, but as a sincere offer…which I appreciated. Please send me your email via the contact page above. I am interested, but would like to ask you something.

  5. I sincerely hope I don’t offend you. When I read about what your father did to you all I felt was anger and rage. How dare he! That man is controlling, cruel and sick. You are so blessed to be away from that disgusting despicable creature. I am very, very sorry that he did this to you. No one deserves this kind of evil treatment.

    • No offense taken, hon. You are right in your assessment. I come from a very sick family. My main goal is to not be sick myself. I have come a long way…thank G-d.

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