Been thinking about…

September 5, 2012

One of my sons has been creating a list of the places he has lived. He wants to write a “tell all”, which he tells me he will redact before he lets anyone else read it. In the process of helping him to pinpoint exact addresses, I did some Google searching.

Wow! Talk about being able to see the houses, up front and close. You can see overhead and you can see from the street. I was able to get all the addresses, but one. That one I nailed down to one or two possibilities, though.

The places we lived hold a lot of emotions and memories for me. So, to say it was a bit difficult at times is a bit of an understatement. As I “went” to place after place, I thought of people and events that happened in those place. Of all the places I “visited”, though, one really holds a mystery.

We used to live in an apartment. Someone took me for a drive one late afternoon up into the hills behind the house. I remember going through the trees and on the windy road for a while. I think I remember him asking me about going somewhere. I believe he also asked me if I was thirsty. Bingo! I suspect I was slipped one of those drugs that causes you to forget…a date rape drug.

The next thing I remember is that, all of a sudden, it was dark and I had no idea where we were. We were still (?) in the car and I remember commenting on the fact that it was dark and wondering when it got dark. I asked where we were and he told me. We were a lot farther from home than I had intended to go. He said he wanted to go on to a town I knew for dinner, but I just wanted to go home. He told me that we were not far from the freeway and I told him to take me home. All I could think of was getting home to my children ASAP.

He did take me home. My children were OK, although they were wondering where I had been. I had said something to them about going for a drive, but I did NOT expect to be gone so long and I certainly did not know that “dinner” was part of the drive. Nor did I know about whatever it was that happened during the blackout time.

The next day, I received a huge bouquet of red roses at work. It came with a note that said something about being sorry. And that was it. We never spoke again. The upside is that, when I heard there were roses for me at the front desk, I thought they came from someone else. The disappointment I felt when they did not, woke me up to the fact that I had grown to love the man who later became my husband. So sweet came out of oddity and blessing out of the weirdness.

My focus switched so much away from the drive that I never really did put things together until years later. It finally became obvious that something had happened and that I must have been slipped something. Either that, or he knew programming. He was an alcoholic, which means the cult could easily manipulate him. But I know he really did like me. He even wanted to marry me. So, I think the apology was sincere. It is just that he never told me what it was for…naturally.

Was it date rape? Was it a cult accessing and he was the one to get me there? Was he in the cult (although I do doubt that)? I don’t know and, at this late date (almost 20 years later), I suppose it does not really matter. It was just the last couple of days of  “been thinking about”…



  1. It is great that you are helping to spread awareness of drug rape. We are also trying to do the same through technology and education. Our company, DrinkSavvy, is developing normal functioning cups, straws, stirrers, and glasses, except that the cups, straws, stirrers, and glasses themselves will actually change color to warn the user. Our products will provide effortless and constant self-monitoring of your drinks all night. Find out more at https://www.facebook.com/SavvyTechnology and follow us on twitter (@drinksavvyinc).

    • I hope you are able to get it fully developed and on the market.

  2. Thins rings soooooo true. Twenty plus years later for me as well. There is , for some reason , a nagging and haunting feeling about an event that happened to me at a party ages ago. Why does it nag me now and has not before? When you wrote that your focus had switched , I wonder if the same had happened to me. There was so much positive stuff going on that I wonder if I tucked the feelings aside until all these years. But why now? Several months ago a friend was talking about the “date rape drug” and an incident that happened to her daughter. Her daughter is fine, thank God, but i wonder if this conversation triggered the event for me? Are there any places to get some clarification on why our brains process things years later in relationship to this drug? Thank you for posting this. It has helped me come closer to realizing that I was most likely raped. Now time to deal with the feelings.

    • It is very possible that the conversation triggered something in you. There are a lot of things that can trigger us regarding something that happened in the past. Personally, I think the why now oftentimes comes from our being ready to face the truth. Our minds have marvelous ways of protecting us from the things we are not, yet, ready to handle.

      I have no idea what kind of research has been done regarding date rape drugs as I have never really thought to look it up. For me, it has been enough to know that it happens. I had to have a procedure done once. They did not want to put me under completely, so they gave me a drug. My husband was there and he said it was clear that I was in a lot of pain. They told him the drug did not numb the pain, but it made it so that I would not remember the procedure…and I don’t remember it. I wonder if it is the same class of drug. So, the idea that a drug can cause a memory to not be retained is not a new concept. If you find any information on that, please post it here and I will check it out.

      When we have things that are blocked like that, we have to be careful. Since we don’t really know, we don’t want to assume the worst since maybe that never happened. However, I do not believe it is wrong to look at the possibilities and ask yourself how significant that is. If it really happened, how does that affect you today? Does it change who you are? Sometimes, whether we find out the truth or not, we just have to tuck it in the past and let it go. We may never know what really happened and, even if we did, would it really make any difference? I know who I am today and that is what is most important to me.

      I hope you find what you are looking for and I hope you can work through the nagging feelings. I know they are not fun to have! May you find Shalom.

  3. Thx for responding and sharing your thoughts on this. As I sit here looking out at

    Thx for responding i appreciate your insight i have read about date rape on college campuses , especially since our oldest girl is heading off to college next year. But your comments were the closest words that I have read that were somewhat similar to my experience, in that a lot of time has lapsed. As I sit here in our beautiful backyard woods where I find it very peaceful, my dog is bumbling around and enjoying my favorite season of autumn. The thought has crossed my mind too, “why dig it up”. what would be the point. I am a fairly well adjusted, middle aged woman with a husband that Iwould not trade for the world and four
    healthy happy kids. If there were no way of knowing what happened, I might just leave it ( which I may do anyway), but a college friend at the time who took me to the party may know something about my concern or may have been part of it. As i try to put the peices back in my head, i think about that relationship and i am pretty sure we lost contact after that. My husband knew this guy in college and never liked him, but i always thought he was a bit jealous of the
    relationship. Who knows? Thanks for the opportunity to put this somewhere. It feels good to release it. And probably allows for a bit of procrastination on what should be a busy Monday morning. I hope you are ok with your past. Seems as though you have found a healthy outlet in your blog. Peace

    • Hello again. 🙂

      If I had a way to find out for sure what happened, I think I would seek it. But I do not have that option, so I have to let it go. However, somewhere inside me there just may be buried memories and I am prepared for them to come to the surface. I am also prepared for them never to.

      In my case, it was just one other person and myself and does not involve someone my husband knew. If there were others there who could give me answers, I would seek it out. However, if it could affect my relationship with my husband, I might not. There are lots of things to weigh out.

      I have had to learn to live my life with a lot of unanswered questions. I am partially amnesic so it comes with the territory. I am used to letting go of what I do not know and cannot find out. One thing I have done is to ask my heavenly Abba/Father to show me anything I really NEED to know. I trust Him. If more is not revealed, then maybe it is not time…or perhaps it does not need to be!

      It sounds like you have a peaceful place to reflect. That is nice. We live rurally and it is nice to look out the windows and see the beautiful colors on the leaves.

      Yes, my blog is a nice outlet. It helps me to get my thoughts out and to know that others read them and are sometimes helped by them.


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