February 17, 2013

It’s Sunday morning and I am waiting on a ride to go to our assembly. My Shabbat was a wonderful time of learning and online fellowship. I wish I could attend a Messianic synagogue in person, but the closet one is just too far away, although I have visited with friends a couple of times for special events and have spoken on the phone with the Rabbi there.

The more I have studied under Messianic Jewish teachers, the more I learned that I had to unlearn. Although some things are very much affirmed and set in stone, as it were, there are also many things that have been misunderstood and mistaught. There are times I have found myself angry over it. We have been robbed of so much that was to be ours as the grafted in ones…so many blessings. I am told I am not alone in those feelings. It is quite common amongst those of us who have had our eyes opened.

The anger is pretty much gone now, but I still get sad (and at times, frustrated) on Sunday mornings when I hear things taught that I know are not quite right…and sometimes not even close to right. At least the pastor is pretty open, for which we are very grateful. We share what we can…when we can.

Like any typical assembly, there are some there who are just passing time. But there are also others who really do love the L-rd. They simply have not been taught correctly and you can’t really blame the leaders because they, too, have not been taught correctly! The whole largely unbiblical system is the product of generations of misunderstandings that started off as agendas.

I really appreciate the fellowship. Although there are none there that I would call a close friend, there are those I love to see and spend time with on Sunday mornings. I attend the women’s class and have been able to open my heart to them to some degree and share a bit of what I have been learning.

We believe that in person fellowship is important, which is a big reason why we still go. Should the pastor leave, however, it might be a different story. It is much harder for my husband to connect there. In the women’s class we can share openly and deeply and we can challenge one another. There is no such class for the men. Our pastor is a blessing and his absence would be hugely felt.

So here I sit, waiting for a ride, as the Shalom of the Shabbat still covers me. Even though we moved out of the moed/appointed time…out of the sacred and set apart and into the common, I am still at “rest” inside. Honoring Shabbat gives me more than any Sunday morning has ever given me. I am blessed. I am grateful.



  1. I love the way you wrote about having to unlearn many things as you gain insight. I, too, feel the shock of seeing the ugliness of truths that were never true, and I, too, think it’s important to have in-person fellowship.

    It took me a long time find the balance of accepting that belonging to a religion is not for me, but that I do need/ want community as part of my spiritual life. I am happier.

    Thanks for the share. I think everyone needs healthy, person-to-person connections, but wow… part of my well-being depended on letting go of churches. And the weird thing is that I calmed down once I accepted that part of my life as over. The idea of leaving scared me to death because our whole social structure makes grave implications about the consequences of not following the rules and regs, but I had to make rational decisions for myself and for my children.

    Well, so it was. The everything’s I had to do to protect us meant the good wife in me had to get a grip on reality. Hardest walk I’ve taken, but I knew taking the popular road led to death for me.

    It was a devastating realization.

    • Religion is such an interesting word/concept. I think what typically first comes to mind upon hearing that word are rites and rituals…a service of stand up and sit down (and maybe kneeling — depending upon your background). Of course, none of these things are bad or wrong, but if it is all you have…what an empty existence.

      I am very blessed to have “always” had a relationship with Yeshua (although I knew Him as Jesus back then). Even though my memory is spotty when it comes to my childhood, what I do remember includes Him. It just seems like He was always a part of my life and He wasn’t just a part of the “church service” (or “Mass” in my case since I was raised Catholic). He was very real to me and I believe that made a difference in how the SRA affected me.

      Over the years I have had to learn to separate the dogma of a denomination from the truth of the bible. Now, I am learning to separate the truth of the scriptures and my Creator from the many misconceptions I learned. In all fairness, I was taught what they were taught…what has been passed down for many generations since the separation of the grafted in from the root of the olive tree. The core beliefs of my faith are all still there. But how that plays out in my life…how I understand my Creator wants me to live is drastically changed. It can be very hard to let go of the very things that have been so “foundational” in our lives. I have experienced a paradigm shift in my spirituality which is resulting in a deeper understanding of who I am in Messiah.

      Some of what I was taught is freedom…really isn’t. Some of what I was taught is bondage…really isn’t. I am learning to walk in the ways of my Creator…and I don’t have to like what He teaches me or even humanly understand what He teaches. I only have to obey His teachings and trust Him.

      I have known His Shalom. I have had a sense of His healing and wholeness…even in my brokenness. It is difficult to explain, but I have had moments and times of serenity even in the midst of chaos.

      I really appreciate your stopping by and sharing your thoughts with me, Meredith.

      • For me, it’s a heavy trigger. I often recognized shoes under choir robes that I saw the previous night under other premises of worship.

        • That had to be terrifying. What was supposed to be a safe place was a place of danger. 😦

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