My Father is coming to town…and staying in my house…Part 1

April 13, 2015

Revisiting safety. My father and I have been in very random and sporadic email contact for several years. I was with both parents until my mother died a few years ago. The communications were rather bizarre, as it typically is between people who are estranged.

Why was I in contact? Basically, I just wanted to be open to whatever healing G-d might have for us. Should my parents actually acknowledge anything and ask for forgiveness, I wanted them to have an avenue of contact. In other words, I was willing to do my part if they were willing to do theirs.

So, how did we get to him coming to visit. *deep breath* Well…here it is. My father was wanting us to visit and I told him that my hubby (and I) both thought that it was a bit premature seeing as how we had not even talked on the phone and our emails were sporadic and a bit awkward. In other words, it was too soon. So, my father asked when we could talk on the phone.

Of course, I should have seen that coming and I had to really think about it. And pray about it. We set up a time to talk, which had to be pushed out, but it did finally happen. He was so emotional. I truly believe I saw a broken man. However, what was driving that brokenness was yet to be seen.

There are two momentous things that happened. Now, to be clear, I am not addressing the motivation nor am I addressing, yet, the events leading up to these things…events that may be key to how serious/genuine things are. But I am getting ahead of myself. First let me describe the sequence in the phone call a bit.

He wanted to know what we should talk about. I told him it was his call. He pushed it back, but I reminded him that the things I wanted to talk about in the emails were rejected by him so I figure it is his call. He suggested that he catch me up to date on his life, to which I agreed.

He was married four months after my mother died. Supposedly, my mother was concerned about him being alone and told the two hospice nurses that. She also mentioned the woman my father ended up marrying four months later. This is what he told me. Please notice the idea of his being alone as I think it is important and may be underlying some of the rest. Those of you who are survivors, I am sure, will have your “bells” going off at the same things mine and hubby’s are.

She had a pacemaker put in. After that, their communication was not so open anymore. There are some medical procedures that do result in minor brain damage, resulting in personality changes, particularly if the blood had to be redirected through a machine. Now, I don’t think that was needed for a pacemaker, but I don’t know. I suggested he try to find out. But this is not the biggest issue.

My father had some kind of minor seizure(s). They put him on a med that made him want to sleep and not get up. His stepson heard that and immediately assumed “suicide”. So, he took my father to the VA hospital where he stayed in the psych ward for a few days while they changed his med to a different one that did not affect him the same way. He gets out and seems to be fine.

Then, apparently out of the blue, he gets angry and cannot control it. She gets scared and moves in with daughter, immediately filing for divorce. He remembers being angry, but he seems to have had an episode (or more…he does not know) where he said and did things he does not remember. She won’t talk to him, nor will she tell him what he said or did. He is still on good terms with her family, but not with her.

At the time of the call, it was two days until the finalization of the divorce that was filed four months previously.  Remember that part about my mother being worried about him being alone. What I will share later may have your bells going off.

He said that he was not going to give up on his wife. When his family suggested he move back to his birthplace to be with family or back to where he met his wife to be with friends or to our area to be with us (bells again?), he told them he wanted to stay there near his wife.

I will continue in Part 2, wherein I will describe the two momentous things.

I believe it was toward the end of the call when the two significant things happened.

Please feel free to share your thoughts.

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