My Father…Part 2

April 13, 2015

Two huge things.

One, my father told me that he did not know what happened to me as a child, but that if he had anything to do with it, he was sorry and asked if I would please forgive him. This is huge because he never once prior to this admitted that he could have possibly done anything. All he would is keep saying he did not remember doing anything. Could it be that his not remembering what he said and did in anger recently made him more open?

Could it also be that he is afraid of being alone and that pushed him? I don’t know. I do know that I heard and emotional, seemingly broken man on the phone. He sounded like he was crying and trying not to show it.

Two, he admitted that his behavior toward me after I brought all this out years ago was inappropriate…or some other similar word. He was sorry and would I please forgive him. When I shared years ago, he kept badgering me, telling me that I had not forgiven him (act like nothing happened). He expressed no sorrow and would not admit any possibilities. He accused me of everything from being under the influence of satan (who planted false memories), or had memories suggested by my counselor (even though I came to her with the memories), or was under the influence of psychotropic drugs or hypnosis (of which I had neither) or was just outright lying.

The accusations became worse and worse. I had lied about not knowing where my sister was when she ran away and then it became that I had helped her run away. He tried to get my hubby to see that I was lying. Oh, my, he ritualistically came after me over and over. All communications were one sided in that I would address his grievances, but he would ignore my responses. He just kept hammering me over and over again with the same wording…wording meant to trigger. But the programming for that was broken by that time.

So, I just cut off communication. First, I stopped taking phone calls. Then I stopped taking emails. I refused contact. Contact with my mother remained to our youngest child, but she cut her own throat on that when she interfered with our rights as parents. So that contact was cut off, too. Naturally, there is a whole lot more to this, but that is the gist of things.

Flash forward over a decade and I have just had two “apologies” from my father and requests for forgiveness. I told him that I had never stopped loving my parents. He said he knew that. I told him that I forgive him and that it was a big thing for me to admit the possibilities.

This was all in the first call. He has a counseling appointment coming up and will let me know how it goes.

When I shared all this with my son, he asked about his grandpa coming for his graduation. I had already been thinking about it and decided it was OK. Since hotels are too far away due to where we live, I opted to put him in the office on a fold out mattress. All personal things will be removed before he comes. He will not be left alone in the house. He will not have a key to the house.

But there is more…and this is the part where the bells start ringing with both hubby and me. More in part 3.

Please feel free to share your thoughts.

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