Father Part 4

April 19, 2015

I cannot say that I don’t sometimes have misgivings about this upcoming visit. However, inside I pretty much have peace about it. There comes a time for healing. Healing does not necessarily mean full blown restoration. Sometimes, there is nothing to restore. Sometimes, you just have to start over with whatever you have to work with.

Healing also does not mean trusting. Trust has to be earned, especially when it involves someone who has betrayed you in the past. I truly do not see us getting very close. He is nervous about coming here and I am bracing myself for meeting with him. Of course, I also have a lot to do for graduation, so that will help to keep my mind off the visit so much and also is a good reason for not going deep.

I am preparing myself for his wanting to meet alone with me. He has not said that he wants to, but knowing history, I expect he will request it. I have the right to say that I want my hubby there, too. I do not have to give a reason. It is my preference. Whether he is in the same room or right there in the middle of the sharing, I have a right to my preferences. Even though I know the programming is broken, I can still feel some of the older feelings of having to explain myself wanting to surface. Nope! Not going to go there. If I am not comfortable being alone with him, then I am not comforable and I have a right to do what makes me feel comfortable.

My father did allow me to live. I am grateful for that. He is created in the image of G-d just like everyone else. I respect that. However, respect does not equal trust. And respect for a position (as in being my father) does not equal respect for the individual person.

I will be sorting this out in my head and heart, I am sure, clear up until the visit. I have time to prepare and will make the most of it.  I will keep the lines of communication as open with my husband as I can. I also plan to try and find out what expectations my father has for this visit…while sharing mine with him. I have already laid down some preferences.

Please feel free to share your thoughts.

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