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Life with DID

November 15, 2015

I have not really felt as if I have DID for a long time and my experience with DID was not in the extreme like some experience it. I was asked recently what it was like for me before…what it was like to live with DID. Since DID is on a continuum, some might argue whether or not I crossed the line into actual DID as opposed to being just on this side of the line. I don’t really care about that as I am not into labels. This post is about my answer to her.

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Finally…I can get back to this. My story with dissociation is not like most. I did not lose time like extreme cases. I did notice some things, though. In certain situations, I would switch personalities, although I did not recognize it as such. I was always copresent and it just felt as if I was now “outgoing” or somehow better suited for the situation or environment. I just thought I was somehow mustering up courage and beating my “shyness” down, but I realized later that I was switching to a different part of me.

When I first became aware of real switching is when something triggered my main upfront host to move inside…aware…but from inside. I had been prepared for this by G-d who had lead me to some information about dissociation. Although I did not relate to all of it, some of it seemed familiar and so I just paid attention to the little indicators I saw…tiny snippets of lost time, although nothing major.

When the trigger hit (two back to back incidents with my parents), my main host went inside and I knew what was going on. As main host, I watched from inside as a secondary cohost who had always been copresent was out front. That is when I became aware of this part of me that had always been there. It is like I had side by side personalities…not sure how many…and they worked in tandem…flowing in and around each other.

When I went for healing, I was given “sight” into the inside. I was working with a woman who was a survivor and lay counselor. We prayed together and the Holy Spirit did a huge work inside. I met parts of me and listened as they shared and then I saw lines of alters streaming into me…blending with me inside. It was amazing. I don’t know how many. Hundreds? It was like a huge crowd and they just kept walking toward me and then into me.

Some remained…key alters that held things that really needed more healing. That took more time. But as each one found what they needed, they just blended.

My whole goal from the time I found out about all this was to do what was needed for healing and become whole again…go back to what I was created to be. Over time, I realized that I could not go back completely because the abuse started soooooo early. I could become whole, but I would not revert back to my pre-abuse state. My experiences, like all experiences, were/are a part of who I am. So, I embrace them.

Blending does not mean I am not still amnesic. I cannot honestly say that there are not more parts of me left that need healing. Life has been a roller coaster ride (you know about some of it). I have had to “batten down the hatches”, as it were. Now that things are quieting down, will I become aware of more “aspects” of myself that are still separate inside? I have no idea.

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