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Getting Out (of the Marriage)

August 3, 2020

It took years to get out of that marriage that I did not even know I needed to leave. The whole marriage was more unpleasant than pleasant. Oh, we had our good times, but his behavior toward me was not one of real respect. At first, of course, it seemed so. But I was also blinded by my own brokenness… a brokenness I did not understand and the roots of which I did not know.

I kept wanting to grow, to get better, to understand my brokenness and fix it. He did not. That is the simplest explanation for how it all came apart. I was moving in one direction… toward God and he was refusing to budge. The strain on our relationship grew greater and greater. His attempts to control and manipulate stayed strong. But, as I grew, I began to take baby steps out from under his control. Eventually, it came to a head.

During the marriage, there were times he would force himself on me. Being cult trained, I was unable to say “no” to anything if I could not come up with an iron clad justification… anything. When he would rape me, it would feel as if a piece of me inside would just break off, shrivel up and die. The day came when God impressed on me that I needed to set a boundary and if I didn’t, the same feeling I had during the rapes was going to become my life. I was not going to survive.

So, the time came and I set that boundary and told him I did not want to. It was a huge, groundbreaking step. I had mentally and emotionally prepared myself for the worst possible scenario. I was prepared, if necessary, to be beat. He had never beat me, but he had done things that led me to be afraid he could and would if provoked enough.

He didn’t like it. He picked me up and threw me on the bed. I still refused. From that point, he switched to mental and emotional head games. But I kept my resolve. I knew I had God on my side. He eventually backed down and, at that moment, I found myself saying that I thought we needed to separate. Whoa! Where did that come from? Such boldness!

He said I had to leave. I was bold again! I said he had to leave and the children were staying with me. And he did!

That was the beginning of the final separation and the end of the marriage… a marriage that really wasn’t a marriage anyway. It was one more step in the process of breaking free, although I still did not know just what I was breaking free from, yet.

I did not shoot for divorce. I still just wanted a real family and a home filled with sobriety and love. But it wasn’t going to happen. I filed for separation and, ultimately, filed for divorce as he chased skirts and refused any counseling, etc. Biblically speaking, I had grounds for divorce years prior. But I didn’t want a divorce. It takes two people working together on a marriage. I had to let it go.

2 comments

  1. My heart cries out for you as I shed a tear for the pain you suffered. But you endured and with the help of a Higher Power have been able to persevere and move on and share your story with others.

    Thank you and God bless you!


  2. Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts! He has definitely blessed me in so many ways. I left that marriage in ’92. I have now been married to an amazing man for 25 years.



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