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Interesting Developments…

September 11, 2021

Life is certainly interesting. My new job is part time, but has elements that can be rather stressful. I did not realize in what ways that might effect me. I knew, having CPTSD, that stress is felt more intensely than with regular folks, but it turns out there are other ways stress can effect me.

I have often said I am totally fine with being partially amnesic. I know enough about what is in there and I am really not interested in going there. What I did not consider is that I am putting a cap on my memory. Even though I am not “consciously” trying to do it, I AM spending energy on keeping it buried. It is happening automatically.

My job runs the gamut from very easy days to very stressful ones. Hopefully they all balance out with the average day being just right. The last couple of months I have had challenges that have made them extra stressful, especially one month in particular. There has been a huge learning curve, but I think I have managed to handle that fairly well. All things considered, I love my job and believe I am good at it.

What I did not consider is that the energy I have apparently been using to keep a cap on my memories got switched over to doing the stressful parts of my job. This allowed some things to start happening. I began to notice triggers and get flashbacks. None of them were the gut-wrenching kind, but they were noticeable nonetheless. Something is clearly happening. It did not hit me until yesterday about how the stress was causing the energy shift and how that might impact my memory burial.

For about a month I have been walking around with a knot in my gut. I felt as if I had lost my equilibrium and was struggling to get it back. Physically, I was doing fairly well. The EBV does not seem to be getting triggered, but I have been feeling tired and as if I was treading water and could not get back to swimming or back to shore. What was up with this? And then it hit me that I had been using energy to keep the memories down and now they were starting to pop up due to the energy diversion.

I very much believe in timing, that things happen when the time is best for them to happen, even when it does not feel like the best time.

This is not just about memories. It is also about whether or not I still have splits. My former therapist, D, tells me it is not unusual to feel as if one is totally integrated or blended and then discover there are more splits. This can happen even after decades. I know the level of the group most likely meant layer upon layer and level upon level of programming and, yes, splits.

For awhile now, I have had soft indicators of there possibly being more parts of me still separate. For starts, I don’t ever remember Dar blending. It is like she just went quiet. I assumed (hoped) she had blended, but did not see it happen like I did with all the others. I love all of me, but admit I miss Dar the most. For whatever reason, she was not triggered by the mom.

Then there are the buried memories. Although one can be integrated and still have buried memories (which I now question), the fact is I have not gained memories with integration. I gained memories with splits being healed and processing, but integration and blending did not bring more memories as is often the case. I have always wondered about that. Why are they still buried? Is someone holding them?

Lately, this has been on my mind a lot more. Do I have children who are holding the horror and need to be healed? I would never want to remain amnesic at the cost of some child part of me not being able to receive the love and healing so greatly deserved. So I have always been open to the possibility of there being more.

Over the last few months (since starting my job), I have been experiencing soft indicators. The sense of “coming to”, even though I was totally aware the whole time. No actual lost time, but still that sense of “coming to”. The triggers and flashbacks make me wonder if someone is remembering. And then there is the eating. I worked hard to lose the extra weight I was carrying and now I find myself eating just to eat. It feels as if I am eating emotionally, but with no real reason to. Is someone “else” eating emotionally and putting the weight back on? (That really needs to stop!)

What or who is holding the memories? I have been longing for some time for someone safe who can handle my sharing what I do remember and the bits and pieces that are also coming up with the triggers. I thought I had someone, but nope. Scared him off before we could even meet. But now things are changing and I am moving forward. Things are coming together.

I have been loosely connected to a domestic violence shelter and group. They have a sub organization that deals specifically with sexual violence, including trafficking. Through that connection, I have come to know some of the women who work there. I now have my own case manager from the sub part of the organization. She knows of a therapist who actually has clients with DID. She is not versed in ritual abuse, but did tell my case manager she believed she could be that person to help me process memories.

I have been meeting with my case manager for about a month and really appreciate it. I have my first appointment with the therapist in a couple of weeks. Yes, I have been nervous. The knot in my gut got worse when I made the appointment. I can sense something is happening inside and truly believe it is time to look at some things. I cannot ignore them any longer.

I also referred myself to a partner organization to get my own coach. I am a peer recovery coach, which is basically a life coach with an emphasis on recovery from substance issues. Although I do not feel I need one for the recovery aspect of it, I do need one for the rest of my life which is getting very chaotic, especially with the job and the soft indicators and the triggers and flashbacks. So next week, I finally have an appointment to meet with my coach and to do an intake for federal level grants. I hear that intake is pretty intensive and we will see how it goes. Can I handle it? Will I even be able to answer the questions?

On top of all that, I had a dream yesterday morning about an attempted accessing. Where that came from I don’t know. A program attempting to scare me away from getting help and moving forward? I would not be surprised in the least. I recently had a very strong program kick in designed to keep me away from support. It caused me to misinterpret people and keep me from feeling connected. It took a lot to break that one. The prior programs were easier to break.

So, it will be interesting to see what develops. Will Dar resurface? Will child parts come forward? I have had a desire to sleep with a stuffy. Where did that come from? There is a tiny little stuffy bear I used to be able to carry in my purse. I have not seen it for years. All of a sudden I keep seeing it in my mind and it is frustrating. I keep feeling as if I should be able to put my hand right on it, but I have no idea where it is. Did I give it to some child who needed one? I tend to not think so, but I cannot find it anywhere.

Since I only have soft indicators and nothing definitive of still having DID, I have decided to proceed as if I still do. I talk to my system (in case any part of me is still separate). I plan on getting another tiny stuffy. The likelihood of finding one just like the bear? No clue. I hope I can find something suitable because it seems as if it someone may need it.

I certainly did not expect to be in this place again, but here I am. It is all in Creator’s hands. I am open and willing to do the work. In the meantime, my bosses know what is going on and they know I am maxed out client wise. I am part time for a reason and they are very supportive of me. I am very grateful. And the knot in my stomach? It went away after talking with my bosses. I still feel a bit nervous, but nothing like I was. I hope it stays that way. I think being clear about the boundaries I need to have is really helping.

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