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To have D.I.D. or not to have it?

October 15, 2021

My former therapist informed me it is not unusual for someone who “had” D.I.D. to feel like they are totally blended or integrated (there are various terms each with its own meaning according to the user of the term) and, yet, not be. Years and even decades later one can suddenly realize there are more splits/alters.

In my own system, I could see inside and watched as everyone walked into me and blended. All but one. That one has always been a question mark. Did she go silent and hide because it was time for her to do so? Or did she blend and I simply did not see it for some reason? Because I saw everyone else blend, I tend to think it is more likely the latter. Perhaps her job is not completed, but neither was it the time for her to do it. So, she has been waiting. Maybe.

The idea of having splits does not bother me, especially since I was not really a “time loser”. Or at least I wasn’t for the periods of my life I remember. I do know I lost time when I was accessed, but they did it in such a way that it was not obvious. There was seeming continuity, although the amount of time it took to do whatever I was doing was a bit long. When it was happening, I just wrote it off to losing track of time. Later, when I learned my true history, I began to believe I was actually losing time and it was due to being accessed.

Of course, being dissociative on lesser levels is always interesting and lends its uniqueness to the story. So, I just observe and wait to see what happens.

I see things–little things–and it makes me wonder. I will not be surprised at all if it turns out there are more. I am almost certain there are. It feels like it did in the beginning of this journey. I saw little indicators and believed it meant I was split but I did not know for sure until I had definitive proof. (I am pretty sure I described that somewhere in this blog.) Now, I am seeing indicators, but again, there is nothing definitive to be able to make me say one way or the other.

And then there is the question of Dar (Darlene). Where is she? There are times I have wished I could draw on her strength. Then again, I think I am. She was co-present and, if she is blended I have her strength. If she is not, her strength is still within me and I am sure she is helping me from behind the scenes like she did for many years before I even knew of the existence of that part of me.

It is easy to think of they and me. But really, we are all me. As someone said recently, we share the same brain. We also share the same body. Even our mind is shared, even if there are some barriers up inside. We are one. And yet that one is also a we. Or is it?

I am waiting and watching. I am sensing things and trying to interpret what I observe and what I sense. I am also now seeing a therapist who is familiar with D.I.D. and who has patients who are split. But, most importantly, although she is somewhat familiar with the concept of ritual abuse, she is not trained in it specifically. She feels safe. But I will always be watching, of course.

Please feel free to share your thoughts.

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