Forgiveness is a powerful thing, especially for survivors. It sets us free. When we are not able to forgive, we lock ourselves into a prison of our own making. The other person may not even be aware of our resentment and bitterness. They go free while we are obsessed with visions of revenge, whether we can carry them out or not.
Forgiveness is also very misunderstood. People will say, “forgive and forget” while not even recognizing that forgiving and forgetting are two separate things. That is why the word “and” is in that phrase. Forgiving is not forgetting. It is not pretending nothing happened. It is not trusting the one who hurt us. It does not even require having any kind of current relationship/connection with the person. If someone slipped you a date drug and raped you, does forgiving them really mean you should go out with them again? Of course not! Yet, that is the logical endpoint of “forgive and forget”! People do not realize what they are saying makes no sense!
Over the years, I have seen survivors locked in the prison of unforgiveness because they have been told they must trust the person completely and treat them as if they have done nothing to harm them. Naturally, this creates conflict within the person. How they can they forgive with that criteria? So, when they would ask me how I could forgive, I would explain how I see forgiveness in two levels.
One level is my releasing them from my desire for revenge. I remove myself from the self-imposed roles of judge, jury and executioner. (That does not mean I don’t participate in legal proceedings against them if it is appropriate.) I release them from taking up space in my head and heart. But I do not trust them and may not even have relationship with them. This person may or may not have even acknowledged their actions against me. They may or may not have asked for forgiveness.
The other level of forgiveness involves giving them a chance to prove themselves trustworthy again. This means the person seems to be genuinely sorrowful for what they have done and asked for forgiveness. I do not trust them immediately, of course, but give them a chance to earn it. In other words, I might allow someone who stole from me into my house, but I sure won’t leave my purse in the same room with them. It can take a long time to rebuild trust, if ever.
Those are two pretty rough divisions, but they really helped them to find the freedom of forgiving. Years later, I found Dr. Stephen Marmer on a Prager U video talking about forgiveness. He does a much better job and divides it into three categories. I highly recommend it. It is only about five minutes long. The video is on both YouTube and their site. You can download the transcript from their site. I am giving you the links to both.
There is a fairly new blog on the scene called She’s Somebody’s Daughter. Actually, there are two. The other one is called Music for the Soul. Both blogs are offshoots of the site called Music for the Soul. I have known about the main site for some time. They have some wonderful music for healing and comfort. And now they have the blogs.
I am making my way through them. Recently I read a post that was very triggering. You can find it here: He Said, She Said. Now, to be clear, quite a few articles on these two blogs have the potential to be triggering, especially the She’s Somebody’s Daughter blog. These articles deal with abuse. When I read the He Said, She Said blog I wanted to cry. I was hit with a wave of emotion.
When a person has been abused, it can be very difficult to read, or hear, about abuse. It can resurrect all kinds of feelings connected to our own abuse history. And abuse makes me angry. This was not some theoretical situation. It really happened!
I have had to ask myself why it was so triggering, though. I have come along way in my healing…or so I thought. If I am gut level honest, I have to say that I am angry because I don’t know that I would have reacted in the right way had I been there. I have been programmed since childhood to let things go…to not make waves…and, most importantly, to question reality.
My first reaction would have been to question what I had just seen or heard…whether it was directed at me or at someone else. If no one else, especially the perceived victim, did not react, I would most likely have stayed silent when I should been putting this lout in his place! And THAT is how this junk keeps on happening. Because the programming can still be strong and the knee-jerk reaction is to have no reaction.
I cannot count the number of times that I have “allowed” abusive behaviour in my life. I am ill-equipped to say “no”. Thankfully, there has not been any in years. Still, I cannot help but wonder what I would do if I ran into someone who dared to do the unthinkable…especially in the unlikeliest of places…in front of others. Would I be able to allow myself to make waves, to become the center of some unwanted attention?
It is the silence of others that helps the victim think she/he has no right to complain…that this is somehow “OK”. And it is the silence of the victim that contributes to others thinking it really is not bad behaviour. What a Catch-22! Victims have often had their voice taken away from them. The adult that does not react is most likely the child who was abused and not allowed to share.
So, I ask myself…if it happened to me, would have been strong enough to stand up to it? Would I have been terrified of losing my job? Would I have been afraid that others would think I was just over-reacting or being needlessly prudish? Would I have had the guts to get in the face of a guy who slapped me on the rear end? I pray that I would deal with it…swiftly and firmly.
Yet, I also know that there may be programming still buried inside…not yet broken and cleared out. I won’t see another therapist who understands ritual abuse, even if I were to get the money, because I won’t risk a repeat of what happened the last time. I want to stay safe. I don’t want to be triggered into another rape. Programming can be hard to deal with, but I am determined to keep on fighting so that incidents like this one won’t happen on MY watch…to me or anyone around me!
So, yeah, reading it was a bit triggering. It reminded me of things I prefer to forget…until Yeshua tells me that it is time to look at them. But it also reminded me that there is more to work on.
I suggest checking out the main site and the blogs…especially the music. I hope you will find something that speaks healing to your heart…and maybe you can contribute something to help the cause.
I hope this post makes sense. I just replaced my keyboard and some of the keys are not working correctly. It is very distracting having to retype and go back and fix everything. If you see typos, please be gracious.
There is a drawing I did back in 2005 that so reflects how I feel right now. You can see it here: Always Out of Reach.
My parents are one of several reasons I have not been writing here for a while. Some of those reasons are good ones…I have been baking, shopping and wrapping. Others are not so good…I have been struggling in my living situation even more with the early onset of cold weather and snow and I have been emotionally drained from trying to deal with my parents. Yeah…my parents.
As you can see in the picture, nothing has really changed since I have been a young girl. The man who used to be my hero (in what I came to realize was a made up life) is just as unavailable as ever. The game playing still goes on. The manipulation attempts…or maybe…they are not merely attempts, but actually accomplishments…at least on some level…in spite of my attempts to not be drawn in.
Awhile back I phoned my mother. At the end of that call, she admitted that my perception of being pushed aside for my son was accurate. She was being real and she told me that she wanted me to know why that was. She said it was important, but not, apparently, important enough to answer any of my emails following the call.
Writing to my father produced more of the same messy communications as always…or should I say lack of communication. He ignores part of what I say, picking and choosing what he will respond to. His responses do not always make sense because he will quote me out of context. This last email he basically wrote everything I wrote back to me.
My husband had already written him…telling him to piss or get off the pot. Either communicate in a real way and start a relationship or back off. Make a choice. His choice was to parrot what I wrote to him back to me.
So, I wrote him with four things he could do to show me that I can start to believe what he writes to me. I have blocked his email addresses. He can do those things and he can write via my husband. If that happens, then I will consider unblocking his emails, but I am not holding my breath. No longer will my pulse race when I see an email has come into that email account for I will know it is not him.
I did not block my mother, though, so I won’t be surprised if she suddenly starts to write me. It is difficult to predict, but they do like to sort of play tag team at times. I hate to cut her off seeing as how she is dying. However, it does no good to try to connect if she is not truly open to connecting.
When Paul wrote and reminded us of sending in a piece for the 6th Arts Carnival, I started looking through my pieces to see what I might enter. When I saw this one, only two days after telling my father I was blocking his email, well…it just seemed fitting. As I wrote Paul sending him the link and telling him why this particular piece, I found myself tearing up. There is a lot of grief still inside over not having my parents and over never really knowing what it is like to grow up feeling secure, loved and sane. The only love I really remember is the love of Yeshua/Jesus.
I am rather angry. I have a Facebook account…more than one, actually. I get sick and tired of people posting things that are manipulative. “I have a wonderful family. If you also have a family who thinks the world of you, copy and paste this on your status and leave it there for at least one hour.” Or something to that effect.
It really does not matter what the subject is, the implication is clear. If you DON’T do what it says then your family must NOT be wonderful. Or your husband is not loving. Or you don’t care if soldiers come home safely. Or you don’t really love Jesus. Or…
I HATE this. All of my life has been about being manipulated. If I tell someone I love them it is because I DO…not because I must. I write what I write because I WANT to…not out of some sense of duty or coercion. Grrrr!!!
I hate feeling like I am fighting attempts to manipulate me…attempts to make me feel guilty…to control what I write or what I use for my profile picture. I have fought long and hard to be my own person. I intend to stay that way. I will NOT submit to this coercive nonsense. I am not defined by whether or not I do these thing. My sense of being OK does not come from conformity. It comes from being true to who I am in Yeshua. Period!
Sheena wrote about why women (and girls) often don’t resist, or fight back, or tell when they are molested or raped. She writes about some of the messages they are taught about how to behave and how those messages contribute to their not telling and not fighting back. We so need to teach our children differently. I hate the thought that we could actually be setting them up to be abused.
This song really touches me deeply. It makes me want to cry. Although my life with my ex was not quite like that, there were times when I was afraid of him. But I don’t think that is quite what it is. I think it is the helplessness…the feeling of being trapped. I have felt that way almost all of my life.
Even as an adult, I felt trapped in my relationship with my parents. Moving out sort of helped…although I did end up back at home…where I felt even more trapped.
Getting married did not help, either…at least not the first time. I was still trapped. I was still enmeshed with my parents…especially my mother. Of course, I am sure it did not help that my first marriage has all the earmarks of a cult arranged marriage…an alliance.
It was not until my second marriage…my non-cult marriage…that things started to change for me. It took a while, but he provided a bit of a buffer between them and me. I started to be able to be around them and feel more comfortable…which isn’t saying a whole lot since I did not feel all that comfortable anyway.
My parents could control me so well. Hubby kind of interfered with that a little. It would take quite a few words to describe what would go on between us. It was so subtle and between the lines…not something an outsider would easily pick up on. In fact, I was still in the dark in so many ways as to how they were manipulating me. That is the way of the cult…programming…training. And I had been trained well for my job.
I did break free, though. It was a bit hairy as layer after layer of information came up. It was a journey…a process. It was a fight…and well worth it. My son was my biggest motivator. I was fighting to keep him safe.
So this song…I see a woman who is trapped. She could no more leave this jerk than fly. Just like I felt with my parents. I could not separate from them…not truly…not on a deep level. They had me.
But it isn’t just the video…it is the words, too. Because of You I relate to hiding how I really feel. I grew up that way. Now I can be more real, but for most of life…even my adult life…I had to hide how I really felt…especially with the ex.
Even now I struggle at times with being open. That is mostly because I just don’t think people would be able to understand the depths of what I go through and what I feel…especially when I get triggered. That is when I hide the most. I am slowly opening up more. It depends on who I am with. And it depends a bit upon who I am, too.
Working on freedom hasn’t been easy. I am still working on it. Healing is hard. So is being open. Being open is also a gamble. I just keep inching my way there…and then pulling back…observing. Some day…
We had a blow up at our home this morning. It was nobody’s fault and both of our faults. It was scary for me…as major disagreements typically are. Thankfully, we don’t have them very often. In fact, you could almost say they are rare, even with the increase due to our living situation. It is pretty amazing…truly a G-d thing.
BUT…back to this morning. Even though I KNOW that he is totally committed and would never leave…the fear hits when he walks out the door. Is he going outside to work on something? Or is he going to leave? Mind you…he has never left…but the fear still comes up.
I prayed a lot this morning…for wisdom…to be changed…to understand…for us. The whole thing felt overwhelming and I felt helpless…and maybe even a bit of hopelessness started to creep in there, too. The good thing is that we were able to have a good talk later. We have very little privacy which means that we cannot typically get things out in a timely manner. So things build up. That does not help.
Hopefully, our living situation will change within the next few months…at least before the next winter. That will help a LOT…but it won’t solve everything. It will give us privacy to talk. Privacy for me to work more on my healing. Privacy for us to work more on being a husband and wife. (That brings up a lot of mixed emotions…but more about that in another post.) It will be easier on our son, too…and just all the way around.
Everyone who knows our situation has told me that there is NO way they could have done it. Well…we can’t, either. As I said…it is a G-d thing. It is only with the grace and mercy of Yahweh who gets us through that we are able to do it.
Anyway…I was able to share how I had been triggered in a huge way yesterday. He knew about the previous one, but not this one. It is good that he knows…that he is able to understand…at least somewhat. The fact that I could even talk about it so soon is a miracle. I guess it shows that I am farther along than I thought.
I am definitely better today. It is good that I was able to explain how and why I got triggered and why it is next to impossible to talk about when it happens. It is really difficult to share when I feel as if I am in a lose/lose…not that he makes it so…but that is how I hear it…how I experience it.
So many times, he can say something and I hear it totally differently than he meant it. And that goes both ways. Although he is not a ritual abuse survivor…he does have his own stuff. His father was abusive and his parents eventually divorced. My parents stayed together and both were perpetrators. So much for family stability!
Triggers can happen in so many ways…like the way I start to feel like a small child when I get really sick or if I am physically hurt. I am there. I don’t lose continuity, but I am emotionally oftentimes like a child who is struggling to behave like an adult. Which brings me to another part of our living situation. I have to hide that I am triggered. There is no safe place to just emote and let it out. So I struggle not only with being triggered, but also with feeling like I have to hide it. This, too, we talked about this morning. It does not change anything…but it is good to at least talk about it.
Now, I don’t have TV, but I have seen snippets of “The View” on Youtube, or while in hotels. It never really looked like the kind of show I would actually want to watch, but this really cinched it for me. If the following is an example of current women’s views on life…I am GLAD that I DON’T watch it!! This is total nonsense…no…more than that…it is actually horrifying nonsense.
A search on the net comes up with quite few mentions of Whoopi and her comment regarding what Roman Polanski really did with this 13 year old girl. There is an actual video clip from the show here.
I see Whoopi Goldberg as a very talented actress. I have seen her in a number of movies and enjoyed her. Although I do not know her well, I think I can safely say that we are not in agreement when it comes to politics. But never in my wildest dreams would I think that we would disagree as to whether or not a 45 year old man…or even ANY man…having sex with a 13 year old girl would be anything but RAPE!! That is one “view” I wish she had kept to herself!
HELLO…13 year old = child! An adult is ALWAYS in a mental and emotional power position over a child. Period…end of subject. It is not consensual…it is RAPE…plain and simple. To add to that, he first made her inebriated. AND, she told him “no”. Excuse me, Whoopi, but what part of “rape” do you not get???
Not “rape rape”? What the heck IS “rape rape”???? Is it that not being pregnant pregnant? Or robbed robbed? Sheesh!
I really like Wendy Murphy’s letter to Whoopi. You can find it here: An Open Letter to Whoopi Goldberg. Like Angela Shelton, I highly recommend you read it!
I am so proud of Angela Shelton! She spoke up for MacKenzie Phillips. MacKenzie has been taking a lot of flack for coming out and talking about how her father raped her over a period of years. See: High on Arrival – MacKenzie Phillips
It is tough enough for those who have been raped and abused to speak out. When it is a parent who does it…it is even harder. Harder for the child to accept it themselves and harder to share it. When that parent is high profile…rich and famous…and even beloved…it becomes even harder! The last thing these victims need is to be ridiculed and their integrity questioned.
So…yay, Angela. Thank you for speaking up. Somebody needed to. People need to wake up.
One of the things, too, that MacKenzie is taking flack for is her use of the term “consensual” once she turned 18. Well…that is not surprising. When a child is raped by their parent…and that is exactly what it is…rape…the child is in a position of subservience to the parent. It is very difficult for a child to believe that a parent is evil or bad. A child takes on the idea that they have to be somehow at fault…that they somehow enticed or wanted it or???
The child is being groomed to be a “mistress” aka “sex slave” to the parent. This does not suddenly shut off at 18. In the mind of the child, it can seem consensual because of the age…but that does not make it so. Once groomed to be a sex slave, it continues until something happens to break the cycle. That something can come from within the child/now adult…or it can come from without. The parent might suddenly stop or someone else might find out and bring it to a halt. Any way you look at it…it is NOT consensual. It is merely the extension of a relationship that was based in rape and NOT consensual.
If a child is part of a ritual abuse family or group, going beyond 18 can be the norm. Or, even if it stops as a teen, it can be resumed later on as an adult. The child is groomed from an incredibly young age…oftentimes starting in infancy. It is not difficult for the parent (or other adult) to trigger the mental conditioning aka programming to get the person back under their control…and yes…even to the point of having sex with them.
I wish people would stop believing that people just cannot do these kinds of things. They can…and they do! It is time to bring this stuff out of the shadows and stop judging those who are brave enough to bring it into the light.
You will never belong.
No one will understand you.
People will think you are crazy.
You must hide what you are really like.
You must hide what you really think.
You must hide what you really feel.
You must hide what you really experience.
People are only nice out of a sense of duty or “Christian” obligation.
People are only nice because they feel sorry for you.
People see you as a “project”.
You can never trust your senses.
You deserve everything that happens to you.
Negative things are your lot in life…your destiny.
You must fulfill your destiny.
You must become what we want you to become.
If you are not OK, I am not OK.
You must be perfect so that others will think I am a great mother.
You must be perfect so that others will think our family is OK.
Our family IS OK.
Our family is normal.
Other families have problems.
You must always know what to do and how to behave.
You must always behave perfectly.
You must excell at whatever you do.
You must fulfill our plans for you.
You owe us.
You are obligated to us.
Your life if not your own.
So many messages so subtly woven throughout my psyche…and some not so subtly woven. Some I have moved beyond. Some I still struggle with in current day life.
I am realizing that there old abuse messages that can be triggered in current life. When they are triggered, it can be very difficult to see clearly what is really going on in the present. The past and the present can become all mixed together.
I figured it might be helpful to identify some of those messages from my own life. Messages I somehow got growing up…and some even into adulthood…written as if they are being spoken to me:
Good girls do what they are told.
…because I’m right.
…because I know.
Never challenge authority.
Never question authority.
Always obey authority.
You are not authority.
You are stupid.
You are smart…you should know.
You don’t know…we do.
If you…(fill in the blank) you will be love.
If you…(fill in the blank) you will be accepted.
You must do things the right way only. (Perfectionism)
If I am unhappy, it is your fault.
If I go crazy, it will be your fault.
If your sister turns out poorly, it will be your fault because you are a bad example.
Doing a poor job is deserving of criticism.
Doing a good job is simply expected and not deserving of praise or gratitude.
Do it again…and again…the whole thing…until you do it right.
Do NOT defend yourself.
Do not try to explain.
Do not tell me I am wrong.
I know you better than you know yourself.
I know what you think and feel…do not try to correct me.
You cannot hide from me.
I will always know the truth.
You cannot keep anything from me.
You must answer every question…completely…and precisely. (wow…I wonder if this has anything to do with my tendency to freak out over filling out forms?)
You must never hide anything from us.
Obedience must be immediate…and without question.
Never share anything negative about the family with anyone for any reason.
Image is everything.
What other people think of you is all important.
You must hide your true feelings.
No one will accept the real you.
Being accepted is everything.
It does not matter if nine out of ten like you if the tenth one does not. You must win the tenth one over.
You must do whatever is expected of you, regardless of how it effects you…or makes you feel.
If you are not right all the time, there is something wrong with you.
If you disagree with someone, one of you is wrong. It is your responsibility to change their thinking…or change yours.
If you are wrong, it is shameful.
If you are wrong…people will think you are stupid.
If you don’t know something…people will think you are stupid.
You must be all things to all people.
You must never do anything wrong.
You must be a sexual person.
Being a sexual person makes you a … (fill in the blank).
You must tell us everything we want to know.
It is OK for me to be angry with you and take that anger out on you. It is not OK for you to be angry with us.
It is OK for me to “discipline” you until my anger is spent, but it is not OK for you to cry out, or yell, or duck, or hide, or resist in any way.
You are to know what I mean, regardless of what I say.
You are to anticipate what I need…and meet that need.
There are other messages, too. But this is all I am going to list at the moment. There is already plenty here. Wow! As I look over this list, I am amazed at how many of these messages I had forgotten because I simply do not live by them anymore. Way cool! It feels good to be free from them.
Some of them, however, I find can still get triggered, even if only subtly, still today. I need to watch out for that. It really feels good, though, to see how much I have actually grown. I will keep on working on that.
I have not had the time to check out every single page on each site. However, what I have checked out seems to be pretty good. Always read with a discerning heart. Ask the One True God to show you what is from Him and what is not.
A Survivor's Thoughts on Life 