Archive for the ‘amnesia’ Category

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Thinking of my sis

March 12, 2021

Lately, I have been more aware of my sis’s death and life. I wish I knew more of her life, but then I don’t. I know her life was as much as hell as mine was. No one makes it unscathed in a generational ritual abuse family. No one. My parents didn’t and we didn’t.

I have been writing about grief lately, triggered by thoughts of my sis. I thought of her on her birthday even more this year than usual. I thought of her leading up to her birthday. She has just been more and more on my mind

She died/was killed on my birthday. Yeah, no warning there. I was away getting memories back and doing healing work. I never got a chance to confirm with her what I remembered for she was taken away. As for the group…well, let’s just say I am not the only one who does not think the timing of her death was a coincidence. It was a warning to me.

Realistically, I doubt she could have told me much. She was, most likely, as amnesic as I was (and to some degree, still am). Plus, she would have been afraid–afraid I would “tell” on her. I would not have understood that back then as much as I do now.

My memories of her are scarce, even though we lived in the same house for at least 10 years. I remember when she was born and not much else while we shared houses. I look back and simply do not see her present. Yet, I do know she was. Of that I have no doubt.

Part of grief is realizing what we have lost in the what-could-have-been category. We were sisters and even though we were almost eight years apart, we should have been able to be closer. I should have been able to be the big sister she needed. But I couldn’t be. I should have been able to have a relationship with her untainted by the “job” I had to do with her. (No wonder it has been so challenging to grieve.)

I was given an offer for some free products from a healing music site. I have interfaced with the founder for several years via email. He knows my “history”, somewhat. No one knows it all for it is too horrific to share. People don’t understand these kinds of horrors. Anyway, as I went to the site, I knew what I was looking for… music on grieving for her.

It’s time. I have been sensing it was time. Do I like the “timing” of this in my life? No. But then, is there ever a good time to grieve? Of course, I have to answer that with a yes. I guess it is more a matter of it being a convenient time rather than a good time. Grief is good and the time for grieving is good. It’s just not always convenient.

So, I am awaiting the delivery of the music and I will be taking some time to grieve, interwoven with needing to also live life. I will have to do the two side by side. I wish there was a grieving group for this kind of thing, but there isn’t. I mean, I am sure there is a group for grieving a death, but it is not very accessible to me. Perhaps online?

I am going to kick this off. I don’t have the energy to do a thorough proofread, so show me some grace if you see any typos or needed edits. I am grieving. The process began months ago, but it is now “official”, I guess.

I am grieving. I didn’t know about kaddish when she died. Is it too late now? I believe in my heart it is never too late. Creator G-D is eternal and outside of time.

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Deception- Thoughts in General

July 14, 2020

This blog has a different login from my other ones. It’s like I want to keep my survivor world separate from the rest of my life. But I can’t. Not really. There is always bleed over.

So, why do I keep them separate? Part of it is that there is so much deception in the world and people do not want to believe the kinds of things I have experienced are real. No way do these kinds of things happen. But, yes way. They do. And many are the walking wounded. And the ones who know it is true are often the perpetrators and unsafe people.

Deception, deception. I see the plan playing out in the world today. We are headed to the epic battle between good and evil. Will it happen in our decade? I don’t know. Maybe we will get a reprieve. In the ultimate end… they will lose and evil will be vanquished from the universe.

I just know that watching all that is going on (via real news) with the awareness I have, as well as what I know from my history, is sometimes a bit triggering.

I have worked very hard on shoving that part of my life to the side… of moving on and not really giving it much thought. I even managed to make it through several Octobers without thinking about what really goes on. Oh, I thought about it on a surface level, but not in my gut. I thought about the evil in general, but not the details of the deeds… until last year.

The decorations just get sicker and more depraved each year. And I mourn inside that people could find pleasure in such things. When I described to my therapist the one that set me off so badly last year, she couldn’t believe ANYone would even begin to think that kind of decoration was appropriate.

But see, people don’t believe it is real. We have become so desensitized by the movies and programs and music we watch that it all has a surreal quality. Instead of being sickened by what we see and watch, we shrug it off. Well, many do. There are a lot of us out there who don’t. We can’t because we know the truth. We know it in our psyches and in our bodies. We bear the wounds in our minds and hearts and some of us even bear the physical scars.

I remember getting body memories that caused me to double up in pain. To this day, I don’t remember the original event. It is still buried somewhere in the amnesia. It is as if my own mind is deceiving me by hiding the source… by leaving me with partial amnesia.

But isn’t that what memory suppression is? Isn’t that what splitting is? It is hiding the ugly in an attempt to deceive our conscious selves that all is really OK when it sure the heck is not! So much is about deception. Layer upon layer of deception.

The rituals. The sacrifices. The trafficking. The photos and the filming. The babies. The children. The animals. All used in so many sick and demeaning ways. But some of it was deceptive… sets with actors and effects. Which was real and which was not? To the child… it was ALL real. It did not matter if he/she killed a real baby or if it was staged and fake. To the child, it was real and so was the trauma. What we experienced was real, even if the cause was faked in some instances. And, in oh so many instances, they were definitely not faked. Evidence has been found to show otherwise, especially from the wannabe’s.

Deception. The biggest tool of our spiritual adversary who controls all the pawns at the top who think they are going to win. Ha! They are just being used and are just as deceived as the ones they deceive. And maybe even more so for they believe they know the truth, but they don’t. They are living a lie. The very deceivers themselves are deceived!

And yet, in spite of all I have experienced and all I have been through, I cannot and I do wish evil on anyone. I wish them to be set from their bondage to evil and to the evil one. I wish them to know the very real freedom and joy of serving the One True God. I wish they would know His love and the touch of His Spirit. I wish they would know His peace.

I refuse to allow evil to win in my life. I am moving forward and taking a leap of faith, trusting God is leading me. I am going to be fairly transparent with some people I hope to work with. I could lose everything or I could gain a huge gift. Which will it be? Only God knows. But I think it will be the latter and that I am moving according to His leading. If I am wrong, I will still lean on Him, my Deliverer who has set me free from so many things.

I feel as if I have to be a bit deceptive because I cannot be transparent with just anyone about my real history. I have to keep it partially hidden from the world just as it is partially hidden from me in the veil of remaining amnesia. I have often wished I could share like they do in the conferences (which I do not attend). But that is not me. I will settle for this blog and for some one on one in person sharing.

Deception. So much is wrapped around and wound up in deception. Other than what I have to hide to stay “safe”, I hate deception. I hate hiding. But if I can be at least somewhat open with just two or three, well… that is a huge gift.

I believe this jpg from another site sums it up well. I would add not to waste it on the dangerous. Be wise.

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Been thinking about…

September 5, 2012

One of my sons has been creating a list of the places he has lived. He wants to write a “tell all”, which he tells me he will redact before he lets anyone else read it. In the process of helping him to pinpoint exact addresses, I did some Google searching.

Wow! Talk about being able to see the houses, up front and close. You can see overhead and you can see from the street. I was able to get all the addresses, but one. That one I nailed down to one or two possibilities, though.

The places we lived hold a lot of emotions and memories for me. So, to say it was a bit difficult at times is a bit of an understatement. As I “went” to place after place, I thought of people and events that happened in those place. Of all the places I “visited”, though, one really holds a mystery.

We used to live in an apartment. Someone took me for a drive one late afternoon up into the hills behind the house. I remember going through the trees and on the windy road for a while. I think I remember him asking me about going somewhere. I believe he also asked me if I was thirsty. Bingo! I suspect I was slipped one of those drugs that causes you to forget…a date rape drug.

The next thing I remember is that, all of a sudden, it was dark and I had no idea where we were. We were still (?) in the car and I remember commenting on the fact that it was dark and wondering when it got dark. I asked where we were and he told me. We were a lot farther from home than I had intended to go. He said he wanted to go on to a town I knew for dinner, but I just wanted to go home. He told me that we were not far from the freeway and I told him to take me home. All I could think of was getting home to my children ASAP.

He did take me home. My children were OK, although they were wondering where I had been. I had said something to them about going for a drive, but I did NOT expect to be gone so long and I certainly did not know that “dinner” was part of the drive. Nor did I know about whatever it was that happened during the blackout time.

The next day, I received a huge bouquet of red roses at work. It came with a note that said something about being sorry. And that was it. We never spoke again. The upside is that, when I heard there were roses for me at the front desk, I thought they came from someone else. The disappointment I felt when they did not, woke me up to the fact that I had grown to love the man who later became my husband. So sweet came out of oddity and blessing out of the weirdness.

My focus switched so much away from the drive that I never really did put things together until years later. It finally became obvious that something had happened and that I must have been slipped something. Either that, or he knew programming. He was an alcoholic, which means the cult could easily manipulate him. But I know he really did like me. He even wanted to marry me. So, I think the apology was sincere. It is just that he never told me what it was for…naturally.

Was it date rape? Was it a cult accessing and he was the one to get me there? Was he in the cult (although I do doubt that)? I don’t know and, at this late date (almost 20 years later), I suppose it does not really matter. It was just the last couple of days of  “been thinking about”…

 

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How a Webinar Is Done…

August 19, 2010

A webinar is an online seminar. Instead of going to a physical place, you sign in to an online site…from the comfort of your own home. That is nice because you don’t have to be concerned about traffic or getting there on time. You also get to have handy whatever you need to help you keep grounded…or to get grounded if something in the webinar triggers you. All those who are signed up will receive an email with the site address and the log in. Via that site, you get to watch the slides used by the presenter.

A second email invites everyone to the webinar conference call. The email includes a phone number with a sign in code. That connects everyone in a single call. Those listening mute their phones while the presenter is speaking to cut down on background noise. There are times given for feedback or questions. Most presenting sites also have call in or microphone capability. Not each site is equal in its quality or features, though. Therefore, Survivorship has chosen to use one site’s call-in software and another site’s presenting software.

So, you receive two emails…one with the call-in information and one with the link for the log-in to see the slides. It is a very interesting experience. Oh…and another thing. There is a side chat window for those who have difficult with speaking on the phone. It is possible to ask the presenter questions there.

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As I Lay Me Down to Sleep

June 29, 2010

As I Lay Me Down to Sleep

As I lay me down to sleep
flashbacks in the mind release.
Pushing forward, images come
as I fight to not come undone.
My body tenses; I cannot breathe,
overwhelmed by what I “see”.
Morphing one image into another,
with silent screams of “no” in my head,
I try to be open to history’s unveiling,
fighting the urge to let the mists return.
But slowly it slips away from me again.
And in the morning I awake
with a new reality like a distant dream.
Is anything ever what it seems?

June 28, 2010

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I Was…

April 21, 2010

I was working on a poem and then sort of lost steam. I found myself making a comment to my husband that brought up the subject…but did not really take it where it needed to go. That is mainly because I am stumped. I just don’t know how to make it any better. It is not that he is unwilling.

I guess it would help to explain. I have been very cautious about saying too much openly about having DID. There are several reasons for that. One is that there are some people I let have this link when I first started it…people who do not know about the DID. It was not really my intent to discuss my own so much as to educate people about the things survivors go through and to introduce them to the reality of DID without blatantly talking about my own. I am hoping those people are no longer looking at this blog. Because, if they are, I am counting on them to use discretion and NOT share what I share here with others in our circle. My having DID is a well-kept secret.

Now…I know that some are probably saying “Bet me! Others probably know more than you think.” Well…in my case…I don’t think so. For one thing, I don’t lose time. Or at least I don’t lose it in any noticeable way. I may be “forgetful”…after all I AM dissociative. But my switching…when it does occur (which is not real often) appears more like a mood swing and is rather subtle…if it is even noticeable at all. I do not tend to lose continuity and I remain aware.

I do share with others that I am a survivor…and I even sometimes mention the SRA. However, I tell everyone that I have PTSD, which is true, but I put everything I experience under that “safe blanket”. And, actually, that is not necessarily far off. I read somewhere that they are now considering moving the whole DID spectrum underneath PTSD.

So, for me, it is actually easy to hide it…although it is not necessarily easy to live with it hidden. Hiding it comes with a cost. Hiding the fact that I have it comes with a cost.

There is so much that I could write now that I am willing to take the risk of openly sharing more about myself. However, it still makes me nervous. In the beginning, I also used to link to this blog from my regular blog. In that blog, I sometimes mention being a survivor and I sometimes take up survivor causes at times, but I NEVER mention having anything other than PTSD.

So…I recognize that I am taking a risk here. Of course, anyone with even an ounce of detective skills can put two and two together if they read here. Still…I have been “comforted” by the safe “feeling” of never really coming out and saying it.

Well…I am rambling here. My thoughts are a bit scattered as I contemplate where I want to go from here and how open I really want to be. I hope that others will be helped by what I share…although I don’t necessarily feel I have any real answers for some things. We are all on this journey as survivors together. We have all survived different things, but we do have some common grounds in how it effects us…whether we have DID or not.

We all have the lies of our childhood to replace with truth. We all have some form of flashbacks…even if they are simply triggers that bring us back into old patterns of behavior…or sudden intense emotions that we are at a loss to explain. We all have to work on our healing and on how we view what has happened to us. Some of us are still uncovering what happened from behind a cloud of amnesia. We are all broken in some way.

I realize that I have not really shared the issue that needs communication…the issue that I am stumped on…and that I started this post about. But I think I have shared a whole lot here that I have not shared previously. I could take this post down without even publishing it…but I won’t. I think it is time. I am just going to have to trust that those of you who know who I really am are trustworthy. If I did not think you were, I would not have allowed you to know my real identity. I would not have shared my other blog with you…or my FB. Please don’t let me down.

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A Rainbow

July 25, 2008

I saw a rainbow the other day. It was actually a double, although the second one was very faint. It was a nice reminder of His promises to us. I guess I really kind of needed to see it.

Thankfully, the group call back is lessening. I know that I am growing ever stronger, even though there are many days when I don’t feel it.

My walk with Yahweh is growing deeper. I have His protection. I have seen it. Others have seen it. Why me? Why not some of my friends? That is what I ask. Yet, I know that He is protecting them, too, in ways that none of us can see yet.

I know that, when I look back, there are things He had to lead me out of a bit at a time. The free will of others was involved, too, as well as my own. I did not even know what was really going on. I did not know about the accessing. I did not know about the cult group. It was all dissociated away, buried somewhere inside, along with the memories of my sister.

Yep, I still don’t remember much of anything about growing up with her. Maybe it is better that way, given the few things I have started to remember. *sigh* I can live with not remembering. Yes, I can.

Hey, wanna see a pic of the rainbows? I will try to get one up here.

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Answer to ? About Seeking Out My History

February 17, 2008

This question was posted:

what do you mean… seek out your history? and why?

rose

Hi, Rose, you ask a good question. I am partially amnesic. It is something that will be coming out more and more as write this blog, but I will start with the most blatant part of it that I see. I don’t remember my younger sister.

You see, I have a sister who is 8 years younger than I am. I lived in the same house with her for at least 10 years. Yet, I can count on one hand the number of real memories I have of her. I have very clear memories of photos of her, but that is not the same thing. I even have a set of photos I took of her at a special event; and yet, try as I might, I can only get hazy bits of memory about that event. Looking at the pictures does not evoke any real sense of being there. Nor does looking at any of the other pictures I have of her.

I don’t recall when it suddenly struck me that she was gone from my consciousness. All I know is that I was an adult and had been away from home for quite awhile. I do have one memory of being with her once when I was visiting after I had moved away, but that is about it. What I remember of our conversation was very telling and very sad.

I also came to another realization one day. As I was looking at the photo albums my parents had it suddenly struck me that all of my younger childhood memories were just the photos in the albums. There are no moving pictures…just still shots. Almost all are from the third person perspective, as if I was there as an observer looking at myself instead of experiencing it as a participant, being myself. My mother had told me stories about the photos many times over the years. Somehow, my mind had taken the stories and the photos and created “memories”.

Both of these realizations came as a bit of a shock to me, but I know I must have been ready for it. I know that God allows things to be revealed as I am ready for it.

So, for me, I had to let go of what I used to think was my history and start seeking what my history really is. I have asked the One who knows all about it…God…to lead me in this adventure. And that is exactly what it has been…an adventure! It has also been incredibly hard and led me to remember things that rocked my life.

I don’t know the details of what is left buried inside, but I do have the overall big picture now. I have also read enough information on what I have uncovered about myself and met enough other people with similar backgrounds that I don’t think there will be too many surprises to come.

I cannot really force any memories to surface. So, what I mean by “seeking” is that I try to be open to what comes up. I try to have an open heart and open mind.

I hope this answers your question!

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Choices to Make

February 17, 2008

I have found in the years of my life that healing largely consists of choices.

I had to choose to seek the truth about who I am and what my purpose is.

I had to choose to seek out my history.

I had to choose to accept the truth…to embrace it.

I had to choose to embrace the pain that comes with it and to work my way through it.

I had to choose to not run away from what is revealed and from the pain it brings.

I have found my main healing has come through my relationship with my God, the One who created the universe and all that is in it. As I have drawn closer to Him, He has led me along an incredible healing journey, some of which I hope to share here. He has led me to people who have helped me tremendously. He has brought healing through many different ways and people all throughout my life. What an awesome ride it has been. I look forward to seeing what remains of it.

I am still partially amnesic and the secrets of my past are still being revealed to me, bit by bit. These secrets are not pleasant ones, but they are part of my story.

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