More Art Up and Moving Soon?

Well…I got a few more pieces up on the art blog. At some point, I will probably go back and add more commentary to some of the pieces. For now…I am just pleased that I actually got more pieces up. There are many more to go.

A place to live is slowly coming together for us. It does give me hope that we will be out of this tiny space in time for this winter. There is still SO much to get done. I am so hoping for it. I know that the one who is in charge is really pushing hard to help us out.

I actually talked to my parents on the phone. THAT was an experience. I am still processing it. Phew! Father did not really say much. Mother and I mostly talked. I have NO idea where this will go, but so far…it is OK. I am proceeding cautiously and keeping my boundaries up. I won’t pretend, but I am willing to work around things as much as possible.

They do not know where we are and I feel NO obligation to tell them. In fact, it feels really good to not feel I MUST share anything with them. It used to be that my programming would kick in and I would feel as if I HAD to share whatever it was I was being asked about. I was an information machine. Not any more. My mother asked me about my location and I was silent. I moved on to a different subject.

She brought it up again later and, at the same time, said she would not ask again. She said that, since I had not answered the first time, that she would not bring it up again if I did not answer the second time…that it was obvious I did not want her to know. She went on to say something about how she was not going to come to my place or anything…not that she even could. I just did not bite. It was really cool because it HAD NO EFFECT! I was not triggered! I did not feel manipulated. I pretty much just responded to her and shared cautiously.

It did take me a while after the phone call to process things…but that is OK. Although I do not know what is coming, I feel pretty good about where I am now…about how strong I am. Woohoo!

I am finishing up this post by sharing that I can see two beautiful deer out my window. I love it! I have also seen some chipmunks lately.

Until next time…I hope you are all doing well!

I Was…

I was working on a poem and then sort of lost steam. I found myself making a comment to my husband that brought up the subject…but did not really take it where it needed to go. That is mainly because I am stumped. I just don’t know how to make it any better. It is not that he is unwilling.

I guess it would help to explain. I have been very cautious about saying too much openly about having DID. There are several reasons for that. One is that there are some people I let have this link when I first started it…people who do not know about the DID. It was not really my intent to discuss my own so much as to educate people about the things survivors go through and to introduce them to the reality of DID without blatantly talking about my own. I am hoping those people are no longer looking at this blog. Because, if they are, I am counting on them to use discretion and NOT share what I share here with others in our circle. My having DID is a well-kept secret.

Now…I know that some are probably saying “Bet me! Others probably know more than you think.” Well…in my case…I don’t think so. For one thing, I don’t lose time. Or at least I don’t lose it in any noticeable way. I may be “forgetful”…after all I AM dissociative. But my switching…when it does occur (which is not real often) appears more like a mood swing and is rather subtle…if it is even noticeable at all. I do not tend to lose continuity and I remain aware.

I do share with others that I am a survivor…and I even sometimes mention the SRA. However, I tell everyone that I have PTSD, which is true, but I put everything I experience under that “safe blanket”. And, actually, that is not necessarily far off. I read somewhere that they are now considering moving the whole DID spectrum underneath PTSD.

So, for me, it is actually easy to hide it…although it is not necessarily easy to live with it hidden. Hiding it comes with a cost. Hiding the fact that I have it comes with a cost.

There is so much that I could write now that I am willing to take the risk of openly sharing more about myself. However, it still makes me nervous. In the beginning, I also used to link to this blog from my regular blog. In that blog, I sometimes mention being a survivor and I sometimes take up survivor causes at times, but I NEVER mention having anything other than PTSD.

So…I recognize that I am taking a risk here. Of course, anyone with even an ounce of detective skills can put two and two together if they read here. Still…I have been “comforted” by the safe “feeling” of never really coming out and saying it.

Well…I am rambling here. My thoughts are a bit scattered as I contemplate where I want to go from here and how open I really want to be. I hope that others will be helped by what I share…although I don’t necessarily feel I have any real answers for some things. We are all on this journey as survivors together. We have all survived different things, but we do have some common grounds in how it effects us…whether we have DID or not.

We all have the lies of our childhood to replace with truth. We all have some form of flashbacks…even if they are simply triggers that bring us back into old patterns of behavior…or sudden intense emotions that we are at a loss to explain. We all have to work on our healing and on how we view what has happened to us. Some of us are still uncovering what happened from behind a cloud of amnesia. We are all broken in some way.

I realize that I have not really shared the issue that needs communication…the issue that I am stumped on…and that I started this post about. But I think I have shared a whole lot here that I have not shared previously. I could take this post down without even publishing it…but I won’t. I think it is time. I am just going to have to trust that those of you who know who I really am are trustworthy. If I did not think you were, I would not have allowed you to know my real identity. I would not have shared my other blog with you…or my FB. Please don’t let me down.

Determination and Lies

There is another side to determination that I have observed. It puzzles me, but I guess it is a part of the abuse we survived. Some are determined to keep going back to the abuse. It is as if they are locked into it. Why?

I guess a lot of it is the lies we were told by our abusers. They told us we deserved it. I know I believed that one for a long, long time. Whatever happened to me that was negative, I believed that I deserved it…or that it was my lot in life…my destiny. Yikes! I had to recognize that lie for what it was before I could start to walk in the truth that it was OK to set boundaries…OK to say “no”.

Sometimes the programming can run very, very deep. Every time a survivor does try to break free, something is triggered, slamming them right back into things. I know I experienced that, too. I would take those baby steps toward health and someone would say just the right thing to slam me backward. It took years of working through things…of Yahweh showing me what I had to do…every little step of the way…for me to really start breaking free from that. I am so thankful that He was there for me…showing me truth when there was, literally, no one around to show it to me.

I learned that I did not need to keep running back to the things that caused me pain. Wow! What an incredible thing to learn! What an incredible thing to walk through! What a very long time it took to accomplish it. I think I may still be learning that one. Of course, there is a difference between choosing to not walk back into something and running away from it. Sometimes, there are hard things in life that we just need to face and walk through. It can be hard to know the difference between what we need to stick with working through and what we really need to stay away from.

I hope that I will continue to grow in learning about these things…continue to grow into more and more freedom. I also hope that I will never allow something to take that freedom from me. I want to move forward…not backward.