Archive for the ‘being stretched’ Category

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Deception- Thoughts in General

July 14, 2020

This blog has a different login from my other ones. It’s like I want to keep my survivor world separate from the rest of my life. But I can’t. Not really. There is always bleed over.

So, why do I keep them separate? Part of it is that there is so much deception in the world and people do not want to believe the kinds of things I have experienced are real. No way do these kinds of things happen. But, yes way. They do. And many are the walking wounded. And the ones who know it is true are often the perpetrators and unsafe people.

Deception, deception. I see the plan playing out in the world today. We are headed to the epic battle between good and evil. Will it happen in our decade? I don’t know. Maybe we will get a reprieve. In the ultimate end… they will lose and evil will be vanquished from the universe.

I just know that watching all that is going on (via real news) with the awareness I have, as well as what I know from my history, is sometimes a bit triggering.

I have worked very hard on shoving that part of my life to the side… of moving on and not really giving it much thought. I even managed to make it through several Octobers without thinking about what really goes on. Oh, I thought about it on a surface level, but not in my gut. I thought about the evil in general, but not the details of the deeds… until last year.

The decorations just get sicker and more depraved each year. And I mourn inside that people could find pleasure in such things. When I described to my therapist the one that set me off so badly last year, she couldn’t believe ANYone would even begin to think that kind of decoration was appropriate.

But see, people don’t believe it is real. We have become so desensitized by the movies and programs and music we watch that it all has a surreal quality. Instead of being sickened by what we see and watch, we shrug it off. Well, many do. There are a lot of us out there who don’t. We can’t because we know the truth. We know it in our psyches and in our bodies. We bear the wounds in our minds and hearts and some of us even bear the physical scars.

I remember getting body memories that caused me to double up in pain. To this day, I don’t remember the original event. It is still buried somewhere in the amnesia. It is as if my own mind is deceiving me by hiding the source… by leaving me with partial amnesia.

But isn’t that what memory suppression is? Isn’t that what splitting is? It is hiding the ugly in an attempt to deceive our conscious selves that all is really OK when it sure the heck is not! So much is about deception. Layer upon layer of deception.

The rituals. The sacrifices. The trafficking. The photos and the filming. The babies. The children. The animals. All used in so many sick and demeaning ways. But some of it was deceptive… sets with actors and effects. Which was real and which was not? To the child… it was ALL real. It did not matter if he/she killed a real baby or if it was staged and fake. To the child, it was real and so was the trauma. What we experienced was real, even if the cause was faked in some instances. And, in oh so many instances, they were definitely not faked. Evidence has been found to show otherwise, especially from the wannabe’s.

Deception. The biggest tool of our spiritual adversary who controls all the pawns at the top who think they are going to win. Ha! They are just being used and are just as deceived as the ones they deceive. And maybe even more so for they believe they know the truth, but they don’t. They are living a lie. The very deceivers themselves are deceived!

And yet, in spite of all I have experienced and all I have been through, I cannot and I do wish evil on anyone. I wish them to be set from their bondage to evil and to the evil one. I wish them to know the very real freedom and joy of serving the One True God. I wish they would know His love and the touch of His Spirit. I wish they would know His peace.

I refuse to allow evil to win in my life. I am moving forward and taking a leap of faith, trusting God is leading me. I am going to be fairly transparent with some people I hope to work with. I could lose everything or I could gain a huge gift. Which will it be? Only God knows. But I think it will be the latter and that I am moving according to His leading. If I am wrong, I will still lean on Him, my Deliverer who has set me free from so many things.

I feel as if I have to be a bit deceptive because I cannot be transparent with just anyone about my real history. I have to keep it partially hidden from the world just as it is partially hidden from me in the veil of remaining amnesia. I have often wished I could share like they do in the conferences (which I do not attend). But that is not me. I will settle for this blog and for some one on one in person sharing.

Deception. So much is wrapped around and wound up in deception. Other than what I have to hide to stay “safe”, I hate deception. I hate hiding. But if I can be at least somewhat open with just two or three, well… that is a huge gift.

I believe this jpg from another site sums it up well. I would add not to waste it on the dangerous. Be wise.

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Living Life in the Face of Nastiness…

March 30, 2012

There are people in life who are simply nasty. They are mean, disrespectful and really don’t care how what they do affects others. When confronted with such people, we have choices to make. We can either react to them, wherein we lose ourselves by allowing them to control our lives and determine how we will live. Or, we can respond to them, wherein we maintain our own autonomy and integrity and choose how we shall live. I prefer the latter. That is my choice.

When I am confronted by nasty negative people I choose to remember that I, too, have had my “moments” of being nasty or ugly. It may not have been intentional. I may not have even been aware of how I was coming across. Or, I may have realized it as it was happening, but did not know how to “fix” it. Or maybe there was no fix…the damage was already done. Any way you look at it, I have had a negative impact on others at times in my life. So, I believe it is worthwhile to remain humble toward others, recognizing that I am certainly not perfect, either!

I also try to remember that everyone is the way they are for a reason. For good or bad, we have all had negative and positive experiences in life that have helped to shape us into what we are today. Sometimes, the balance between positive and negative was fairly even overall. But for some of us, one heavily outweighed the other.

For those whose positive experiences heavily outweighed the negative it can be difficult to understand those of who whose lives were the opposite. We may fumble where they do not. We may react to things that do not faze them one bit. I think it is good when each person can believe another’s story and try to imagine living in that reality. It can help us to be more empathetic toward others.

For those of us who weigh heavily on the negative, and some even in the extreme, it can be difficult to imagine life without that. We see the way others live and struggle to comprehend how they can do that. It just isn’t even on our radar.

Thankfully, though, there can be some good experiences even in the midst of craziness and evil, that give us some positive skills for life. For me, knowing my Creator made a HUGE difference. It is part of what helped to shape me and, I think, to temper how the abuse affected me.

I still deal with the physical effects of trauma brain and I can still experience flashbacks that are part of PTSD and getting  triggered.  However, I have learned over the years how to cope and work around the aftereffects. I know what I can do and what I cannot do and I no longer feel guilt or shame over what I cannot do…even when others do not understand. It is frustrating at times when people look less favorably upon me for what I cannot do. They cannot comprehend how even the simplest of things can be overwhelming at times. But I have learned to live with that and simply accept that there are things they simply do not know and, even if they did, might not be able to understand.

Life is good…even when it is hard. I am OK with that. My heavenly Abba/Father/true Daddy walks with me. So does my Messiah…Yeshua. Their Ruach/Spirit lives within me and that strengthens and comforts me…especially when life is hard.

I refuse to give up. I refuse to hold grudges. I refuse to not forgive. I choose to walk in freedom with my head held high…even when I am shaking inside.

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My Place In This World & Coping with Social Situations!

April 6, 2010

I was reminded recently of a Michael W. Smith song called “My Place in This World”. That song has always touched my heart…for I have always struggled to feel as if I really fit in anywhere.

As a daughter of the Most High G-d, I am secure as to my place in my heavenly Abba/Father’s kingdom…of my place in the spiritual realm. Yet…even with that security, there are times when I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything that I even experience some doubts about that. Thankfully, I do regain my perspective and the doubts do pass.

When it comes to this world, though, to the people around me…I rarely feel as if I belong. I almost always feel out of place…as if I am on the outside looking in.

In The Cost of Reality, I share how I used to feel almost all the time. For a huge part of my life I rarely, ever felt comfortable or a real part of a group.  I hated going any place where there were a lot of people I did not know. I was almost panic-stricken the first day of school every year. I was that way with any new place or any new event.

Now I only feel the intensity of it if I get a particular program triggered. However, that does not mean that I feel comfortable around people and social events. I do…but I don’t. I have had to learn how to work my way around these kinds of things. Otherwise, I would be totally isolated.

One thing I do is try to get to events early. When I get there I try to connect with someone who is a part of the event and even offer to help in some way if I am up to it. If nothing else, I learn my way around and help to welcome others that come. By being one of the first ones there, I sort of make myself a part of what is going on. That does not solve it all, but it does make it a whole lot easier.

If I show up after a whole bunch of people are there…I feel lost. Unless I come with another person, or plan to meet another person there, I will typically feel very uncomfortable.  I will be uncertain where to sit…wondering if I am intruding upon some group of friends. I am very aware of cliques.  It seems like, in so many places, you have families and friends who have known one another for a long time. Where do I fit into that?

So…another thing I do is look for someone else who seems to be alone. The other person is usually grateful that I did and we end up having a rather enjoyable time together. I may never see that person again…but for those few hours we enjoyed one another’s company.  I have had many good laughs at tables where none of us women knew anyone else at the table.

I also try to smile a lot at people…just to see how they respond. They ones who light up at my smile, I keep an eye on. If it seems like they are open, I will walk up and talk to them…and find out if they are alone or not. That helps, too.

Sometimes, I just have to focus on what is going on and go through it. If programming is triggered, that is when it is the worst. I just have to accept that I am not in a frame of mind where I can truly trust anyone. I just need to smile, be pleasant and get through it.

Sometimes I experience an impending sense of doom that I cannot connect to any person or place or event. It is just a feeling I walk around with. That, too, makes it difficult in social situations. I keep wondering if I have somehow blown it…somehow said or done something wrong. I have learned that I just have to ride it out if I cannot find a legitimate reason for it.

So, I have all sorts of struggles with social settings…unless I am in the midst of giving it. Yet…I can speak and sing without too much difficulty. Or at least I once could. It has been a long time since I have done it. In fact, since I started realizing the truth about my history and my makeup I have not really pursued it. There is a difference between being up in front of a group and being down within the group. I had a therapist who was the same way. She could teach a class…no problem. But as a student…she was actually rather shy. It is a matter of being in my element.

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Being Stretched, PTSD and Letting Go

September 6, 2008

Life can be very stretching. I simply cannot do it without the help of my Creator. I can’t. If that makes me “weak” in some people’s eyes…oh well. I think the strongest people are the ones who are able to admit their weakness. I am weak. I am fragile. I am learning how to take better care of myself.

I am learning how to let go of things…and yes, even people…when trying to hang onto them results in my becoming even more fragile. When I see myself becoming less functioning, when I see my PTSD rising, I need to pay attention. I used to think so many things and people were worth fighting for. Now, I am learning to choose my battles more wisely. I am learning to entrust things and people more into Yahweh God’s hands. I am learning.

My whole life I have been paying the price for other people’s actions…for their cruelty and their abuse. Although no one is abusing me now, I am still fragile enough that I can end up paying the price for the things others do and say. I am learning how to take better care of myself…not in anger…but actually in love. Love for myself and for the other person. Above all…love for the One who made me.

Many years ago, God strongly impressed upon me that He has given me a gift…it is the gift of who I am in Him. I am responsible for taking good care of that gift. I am learning how to better do that. At that time, it meant setting a boundary that would have long lasting consequences. Today, it means continuing to learn what boundaries I need to set and how to keep them.

It also means learning what I can and cannot do. Sometimes, my expectations of myself are not realistic. I need to learn how to know what God’s expectations are of me…not my own…and certainly not others’. I answer to God alone…as will each of us. I am not here to judge another…nor are they here to judge me.

As much as is possible, I want to live in peace with all. However, sometimes it is not possible…and it is OK to acknowledge that. God tells us to live in peace with all so much as it is in our power to do so. I have learned that it is not in my power to live in peace with all. I can be OK with that.

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