Archive for the ‘broken dreams’ Category

h1

Grieving the Finality of What Will Never Be…

March 9, 2012

I found out yesterday that my mother passed away on December 24, 2010. Yep…that is 1 year, 2 months and 14 days, plus or minus. And he is already remarried…I have NO idea for how long.

We permitted our son to call my mother…it’s a long story. When he asked about his grandmother, my father told him that she had died two years ago on a date my son did not remember. I got the actual date by calling the coroner’s office. They were able to confirm the date of her death and the cause…melanoma. I was told that she had been in hospice care, which was why her death was reported to them. It is a law in that state to report all deaths of people in hospice care.

Over the years I have grieved for what was and grieved for what wasn’t. And now, I need to grieve for what for sure will never be. There will never be reconciliation. Never be recognition. Never be an apology or forgiveness extended. Never be so many things.

I have a lot to think about…and a lot to feel. It can be difficult not to second-guess myself, but there are things I need to face in order to settle things in my own mind and heart. I was told she was dying, but not that she was in hospice care or that it was imminent. My father just kept playing games and, I believe, actually kept us apart…especially given what she said in the one time I did talk to her…a call that was interrupted by my father.

Things are a bit complicated and I am having to sort them all out. I need to own whatever is mine and refuse to take on whatever is not. I will not try to pick up another’s guilt. It is simply not mine to carry. Nor is it for me to run from my responsibilities. I went into this with eyes wide open. I knew the risks. I took the chance. Now it is over. Now I will process from a different place…on the other side of her death.

It is sad when someone lies so much that even when they tell the truth it is not the whole story and you don’t really know what you can believe. There are so many what ifs that I could run through. And taking a look is not a bad idea…but living there is. I must face what I must face and trust my heavenly Abba to walk me through to the other side. He has never let me down.

h1

Cruelty and Healthy Boundaries…

September 17, 2010

What my mother has done is cruel. I keep trying to empathize and to understand her pain. But not matter how much I empathize…no matter how much I forgive…it still hurts like hell. I am the unwanted daughter. I did not step up to the plate. I did not take over. I stepped out of line. I left. I have no desire to be a princess other than in the One True Creator God’s kingdom.

I will never live up to her expectations. Her expectations (and his) lead to death. I have chosen a different path. If they do not want me…they can forget my son. I was actually willing to let them talk to him on the phone, but if they don’t want me…forget it. That is not being selfish…it is being real. It is not being vindictive…it is setting boundaries…healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are not OK in the cult. My whole life I had no boundaries. I did not know where I ended and other people began. I was trained to be a chameleon…to anticipate others needs/wants. Those in the cult who knew the trigger words and actions could get anything they wanted. NO MORE!!

I was accessed by a “Christian” therapist after we moved here. He had experience with cult clients. Little did I know that he was not only cult himself…but that we had met many years ago. It ends here…and now! I will not kowtow to my parents. I will not kowtow to anyone but my Lord…and He does not ask me to. He lifts my head to look into His eyes so that I can see His healing love.

I hurt. I am angry. I do not deserve to be treated this way. Even IF I had been the worst daughter on the planet…rather than simply and imperfect one…I do not deserve this. I have reached out via email for a year and a half. It has gone nowhere. I tried. My conscience is clear. I have done what I can. It is their loss. They can blame me all they want…but they have a part in this. I am an adult. I will not submit to them or to their control. I will not go back to the way things were.

So I will continue to mourn what was and I will mourn what never was. I will mourn the dream of having a somewhat regular family. I will keep my heart open until there is nothing left…and at that point…I will mourn for what will never be. I have dreams. I have always had dreams. Many of them are just broken dreams…turning to dust beneath my feet. Oh, well.

I have survived. I will survive. Nay…I will thrive! In spite of how hard my life is right now…I have more freedom than I ever did living under their control. The Creator has given me the gift of who I am…all of me. I am His…and no one else’s…no one’s.

I hope we can make peace before she dies…same with him. But if it does not happen…I refuse to beat myself up with guilt that is not mine.

h1

PTSD, Grieving and Broken Dreams Rambling

September 5, 2008

I have not been able to come and write here for a bit. I have had so many things on my plate that it feels overwhelming. It does not help that we are going into a time of year that tends to be difficult for me. September and October are selection and preparation months in the cult for what happens at the end of October.

My mind and heart are just filled with things I need to get out, but I will probably just be ramblings. Writing as it comes to me.

I am grieving over so many things right now. Dreams we had when we moved here that have been dashed and shattered. Struggling to improve our living situation to no avail. Friendships I have had to walk away from due to communication that just seems to fail over and over.

There are times when I feel very alone. I know I am not. I have Yahweh God first and foremost and I have my husband and son. The rest of my family lives very far away. The cost of gas and the time involved with trying to improve our living situation has effectively isolated us from being able to invest in any real friendships…not that I connect very easily to others anyway. Everyone lives so far away. I long for an in person friend to do things with…another couple to get together with. Being forbidden to openly share with some people about our lives and about my past has also hindered us a lot.

We have been deeply wounded since moving here…in ways we would have never imagined. It has also come from sources we would never have dreamed. This is the time of year that I was seeing a therapist two years ago who accessed my programming and used me. Boy did I learn a lot from that one.

The days are getting shorter. There is so much I want to do…and so much I need to do…and I feel so hindered. I miss having a table on which to spread things out to work on. I miss having a bedroom. I miss having a bed that is not also my couch. I don’t mind sleeping on a couch, but this couch has to be folded out into a bed for two…much more awkward. Plus, I have to roll up our bedding every morning to make it back into a couch. So there is the hassle at night when I am already tired and cannot just fall into bed. I also cannot get up in the morning and just go sit in a chair somewhere.

I have always struggled with sleeping on a bed in the daytime and now the bedroom and living room area boundaries are blurred. I am sure that is not helping my PTSD. Neither is the lack of privacy. I miss having the privacy for adult conversations and other adult stuff.

I miss having some kind of room that I can go into when I need to cry…or for a phone call…or to do art work (especially much needed therapeutic artwork). I am constantly stuffing my emotions and hiding what I am really feeling and how I am really doing. It is very draining.

I miss being able to ride my motorcycle. Someone actually asked to buy it and I just cried. I am not selling it at this point. Selling it would mean another lost dream…two, actually. The dream of being able to ride again and the dream of being able to afford for us to go places and have fun on the motorcycles, since it is less expensive. Even if we cannot afford to go do something, the rides alone are great therapy and great fun. I have missed them. This is especially hard when there are soooooooo many motorcyclists around here.

I even miss being able to call my parents to ask them things…or see how they are doing. But that is just not safe to do. I have received no indication that anything has changed in regards to how they perceive me.

I am fighting tears even as I write this. I know that I can trust Yahweh. He never said life would easy. In fact, Yeshua/Jesus said the opposite. I have run into opposition for many things…some of it simply my own humanness…and some of it more sinister. I choose to keep serving and loving Yahweh…there is no other. He is the One True God…the Creator of everything. It is to Him that I take my tears and my heartaches. It is from Him that I receive some comfort and solace.

Well, I am going to wrap this up for now. I will come back when I can. I hope this feeling of being overwhelmed stops soon.

%d bloggers like this: