Archive for the ‘brokenness’ Category

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Deception- Thoughts in General

July 14, 2020

This blog has a different login from my other ones. It’s like I want to keep my survivor world separate from the rest of my life. But I can’t. Not really. There is always bleed over.

So, why do I keep them separate? Part of it is that there is so much deception in the world and people do not want to believe the kinds of things I have experienced are real. No way do these kinds of things happen. But, yes way. They do. And many are the walking wounded. And the ones who know it is true are often the perpetrators and unsafe people.

Deception, deception. I see the plan playing out in the world today. We are headed to the epic battle between good and evil. Will it happen in our decade? I don’t know. Maybe we will get a reprieve. In the ultimate end… they will lose and evil will be vanquished from the universe.

I just know that watching all that is going on (via real news) with the awareness I have, as well as what I know from my history, is sometimes a bit triggering.

I have worked very hard on shoving that part of my life to the side… of moving on and not really giving it much thought. I even managed to make it through several Octobers without thinking about what really goes on. Oh, I thought about it on a surface level, but not in my gut. I thought about the evil in general, but not the details of the deeds… until last year.

The decorations just get sicker and more depraved each year. And I mourn inside that people could find pleasure in such things. When I described to my therapist the one that set me off so badly last year, she couldn’t believe ANYone would even begin to think that kind of decoration was appropriate.

But see, people don’t believe it is real. We have become so desensitized by the movies and programs and music we watch that it all has a surreal quality. Instead of being sickened by what we see and watch, we shrug it off. Well, many do. There are a lot of us out there who don’t. We can’t because we know the truth. We know it in our psyches and in our bodies. We bear the wounds in our minds and hearts and some of us even bear the physical scars.

I remember getting body memories that caused me to double up in pain. To this day, I don’t remember the original event. It is still buried somewhere in the amnesia. It is as if my own mind is deceiving me by hiding the source… by leaving me with partial amnesia.

But isn’t that what memory suppression is? Isn’t that what splitting is? It is hiding the ugly in an attempt to deceive our conscious selves that all is really OK when it sure the heck is not! So much is about deception. Layer upon layer of deception.

The rituals. The sacrifices. The trafficking. The photos and the filming. The babies. The children. The animals. All used in so many sick and demeaning ways. But some of it was deceptive… sets with actors and effects. Which was real and which was not? To the child… it was ALL real. It did not matter if he/she killed a real baby or if it was staged and fake. To the child, it was real and so was the trauma. What we experienced was real, even if the cause was faked in some instances. And, in oh so many instances, they were definitely not faked. Evidence has been found to show otherwise, especially from the wannabe’s.

Deception. The biggest tool of our spiritual adversary who controls all the pawns at the top who think they are going to win. Ha! They are just being used and are just as deceived as the ones they deceive. And maybe even more so for they believe they know the truth, but they don’t. They are living a lie. The very deceivers themselves are deceived!

And yet, in spite of all I have experienced and all I have been through, I cannot and I do wish evil on anyone. I wish them to be set from their bondage to evil and to the evil one. I wish them to know the very real freedom and joy of serving the One True God. I wish they would know His love and the touch of His Spirit. I wish they would know His peace.

I refuse to allow evil to win in my life. I am moving forward and taking a leap of faith, trusting God is leading me. I am going to be fairly transparent with some people I hope to work with. I could lose everything or I could gain a huge gift. Which will it be? Only God knows. But I think it will be the latter and that I am moving according to His leading. If I am wrong, I will still lean on Him, my Deliverer who has set me free from so many things.

I feel as if I have to be a bit deceptive because I cannot be transparent with just anyone about my real history. I have to keep it partially hidden from the world just as it is partially hidden from me in the veil of remaining amnesia. I have often wished I could share like they do in the conferences (which I do not attend). But that is not me. I will settle for this blog and for some one on one in person sharing.

Deception. So much is wrapped around and wound up in deception. Other than what I have to hide to stay “safe”, I hate deception. I hate hiding. But if I can be at least somewhat open with just two or three, well… that is a huge gift.

I believe this jpg from another site sums it up well. I would add not to waste it on the dangerous. Be wise.

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What Is Healing?

March 16, 2013

When I first started out on this last leg of my healing journey…the awareness of DID and the realization of some of what had happened to me (which was an “aha-now I understand” time)…I had an idea in mind of what healing looked like. For me, it meant that my hard work (with G-d’s help) was somehow going to reverse all that had been done to me and there would be a complete merging which I called “integration”. I looked at it like a broken bone or a sickness. I wanted to be restored to the condition prior to the break of illness…or to be made even better. After all, they say a broken bone that heals is stronger in the area of the break and will never break exactly there again. I wanted to be like pre-DID and trauma.

Looking back, I would have to say that I was pretty naive, but not in a bad way. I believed what I needed to believe in order to start the journey and do what needed to be done. There were things I did not yet understand about DID and how abuse affects the brain. There were also implications in my view of healing that I did not fully think through…implications that would later change my view of healing…and again…not in a bad way.

Initially, my goal was simply to work on whatever needed to be worked. If I needed to face a memory…so be it. If I needed to reach out to an insider…so be it. Whether it was writing, listening, sharing, art…I did it. I believed that if I just kept doing what I was doing that integration/merging would occur naturally. It would not have to be forced. And it pretty much did happen that way. As I focused on healing, integration and merging seemed to happen almost seamlessly and without any real effort. Some of it happened in huge chunks during several days I spent with a counselor at her home. I stayed with her twice and through days of prayer and working with insiders massive amounts of integration/merging happened.

Over time, I came to realize that not all of healing is as simple as that. Now, I believe that a huge part of healing is to simply live my life…enjoying it as best I can…and seeing the beauty around me in addition to seeing what is evil in the world. I walk in the Spirit of the Creator, trusting Him to show me whatever I need to see and to help me with whatever I need help with. He has always been my greatest Healer…my best therapist. And He has helped me see that my idea of what healing looks like was very faulty.

I know the Creator can do anything and I believe He could even make it like nothing had happened…but that is not real. Like so many others, I had to come to terms with a childhood I simply never had. It was not just a matter of putting the brain back to how it was originally created. All my childhood experiences shaped and affected my brain. Removing the effects of the negative experiences does not replace them with the positive effects of the good things that never happened!

I also realized that all those things that did happen a part of what make who I am today. And even with all my foibles and what I perceive as “weakness” and “brokenness”, I am a pretty awesome person. I am a walking miracle and I am doing pretty darn good considering all I have been through. So, part of healing is also accepting imperfect functionality.

So…maybe…healing is not about restoration (like a broken leg). Maybe it is more about learning to live as I am and celebrating the me I have become and the me I am becoming. Maybe it is more about giving myself the freedom to enjoy life now…without guilt and with less and less impact coming from the past. It is about accepting imperfect functionality. (What is “perfect”, anyway?) It is about learning not to compare myself to others…not my abilities, my weaknesses or my strengths. Every one of us has abilities of some kind; we just don’t all have the same ones. We all have weaknesses and we all have strengths, regardless of how healed or broken we are. It is about not comparing my healing journey to another’s. We all walk on different paths.

I know I still have more to learn, but I carry one thing with me on my learning/healing journey…one very important thing. I know the Creator of all things and I know who I am in my Creator. I know I can trust Him to continue to lead me. Whatever is ahead, He will help me to face it.

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I Was…

April 21, 2010

I was working on a poem and then sort of lost steam. I found myself making a comment to my husband that brought up the subject…but did not really take it where it needed to go. That is mainly because I am stumped. I just don’t know how to make it any better. It is not that he is unwilling.

I guess it would help to explain. I have been very cautious about saying too much openly about having DID. There are several reasons for that. One is that there are some people I let have this link when I first started it…people who do not know about the DID. It was not really my intent to discuss my own so much as to educate people about the things survivors go through and to introduce them to the reality of DID without blatantly talking about my own. I am hoping those people are no longer looking at this blog. Because, if they are, I am counting on them to use discretion and NOT share what I share here with others in our circle. My having DID is a well-kept secret.

Now…I know that some are probably saying “Bet me! Others probably know more than you think.” Well…in my case…I don’t think so. For one thing, I don’t lose time. Or at least I don’t lose it in any noticeable way. I may be “forgetful”…after all I AM dissociative. But my switching…when it does occur (which is not real often) appears more like a mood swing and is rather subtle…if it is even noticeable at all. I do not tend to lose continuity and I remain aware.

I do share with others that I am a survivor…and I even sometimes mention the SRA. However, I tell everyone that I have PTSD, which is true, but I put everything I experience under that “safe blanket”. And, actually, that is not necessarily far off. I read somewhere that they are now considering moving the whole DID spectrum underneath PTSD.

So, for me, it is actually easy to hide it…although it is not necessarily easy to live with it hidden. Hiding it comes with a cost. Hiding the fact that I have it comes with a cost.

There is so much that I could write now that I am willing to take the risk of openly sharing more about myself. However, it still makes me nervous. In the beginning, I also used to link to this blog from my regular blog. In that blog, I sometimes mention being a survivor and I sometimes take up survivor causes at times, but I NEVER mention having anything other than PTSD.

So…I recognize that I am taking a risk here. Of course, anyone with even an ounce of detective skills can put two and two together if they read here. Still…I have been “comforted” by the safe “feeling” of never really coming out and saying it.

Well…I am rambling here. My thoughts are a bit scattered as I contemplate where I want to go from here and how open I really want to be. I hope that others will be helped by what I share…although I don’t necessarily feel I have any real answers for some things. We are all on this journey as survivors together. We have all survived different things, but we do have some common grounds in how it effects us…whether we have DID or not.

We all have the lies of our childhood to replace with truth. We all have some form of flashbacks…even if they are simply triggers that bring us back into old patterns of behavior…or sudden intense emotions that we are at a loss to explain. We all have to work on our healing and on how we view what has happened to us. Some of us are still uncovering what happened from behind a cloud of amnesia. We are all broken in some way.

I realize that I have not really shared the issue that needs communication…the issue that I am stumped on…and that I started this post about. But I think I have shared a whole lot here that I have not shared previously. I could take this post down without even publishing it…but I won’t. I think it is time. I am just going to have to trust that those of you who know who I really am are trustworthy. If I did not think you were, I would not have allowed you to know my real identity. I would not have shared my other blog with you…or my FB. Please don’t let me down.

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Getting Stronger

December 9, 2008

I am getting stronger. I can feel it. I am more at peace, in spite of life’s circumstances. My thoughts, lately, have been on YHWH God’s incredible love for me. I just cannot fathom it.

The more I focus on His love for me…the more real it becomes…and the stronger I get. It feels like I am becoming more stable.

I know that healing comes in spurts. Two things that really seem to help with it are focusing on my heart connection with YHWH God and acceptance.

Life is what it is. Things have happened. I cannot change that. I can, however, change my own attitude toward things. I know one thing that I believe has really made a difference is surrendering my wants. I am broken. I would like to not be broken, but we live in a broken world.

The most important thing, to me, is to be able to love and serve my Creator. I want very much to help others to be able to see His love. If my remaining broken somehow helps that, then I want to embrace my brokenness.

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Fragility, PTSD and Stupidity

August 20, 2008

There are things that I really hate about me. Fragility is one of them. I hate feeling so breakable…so dang fragile. That is how I feel when I see an email coming in and my heart starts racing, wondering what I am going to face within it. I hate not wanting to read it.

I hate feeling like I must read it…when I am fearful of what I might find in the words. It is hard to walk around with questions. It is hard to walk away, wondering what positive thing I might have missed because I was fearful of seeing something negative. So my mind and heart start tossing the possibilities around and my body starts to shake. I hate that my PTSD can sometimes get stirred up so easily. It makes it so much harder to deal with anything.

I am so tired of feeling like I am finally getting things calmed down inside…settled and stabilized…and all it takes is an email notification to set everything off again. It makes me want to block emails. Yet, I cannot really do that, either. I am, forever, the optimist…always hoping that things will work out. Maybe I am just plain stupid? I don’t know. Is it dumb to keep hoping? and praying? Am I a glutton for punishment? Maybe I am masochistic? I don’t know.

My thoughts and feelings whirl around inside. Wondering. Hoping. Fearful. Everything gets all stirred up. Will there be a blast of anger? Will there be an olive branch? Will there be more tearful hurts expressed? Will there be some sort of understanding? Will it look as if it is a response to something I did not write, do not believe, etc.? Will what is written lift me up? Or slam me to the ground? Do I take a chance on reading it? Do I take a chance on not reading it?

I hate being stuck between two hard places. I hate having to decide whether to read or not. I hate facing another possible misunderstanding that I know I just cannot fix. I give up. If that makes me weak…OK. If that makes me a quitter and a runner…OK. I can live with that. Even if it makes me a b***ch…I can live with that. What I am only matters in God’s heart. Right now, I just want the shaking to stop…and I don’t want to med up.

I cannot fix things. No matter how hard I try…there are some things I just cannot fix…and I just cannot emotionally handle persisting. I have to walk away…for everyone’s good. I don’t want to inflict more pain on top of what I am told I have already inflicted. I would rather run the other way and leave us all to run to Him and let Him sort things out.

I just cannot keep trying.
I am broken.
I am fragile.
I am at a loss.
No blame.
No games.
Just reality.
My reality.
I just want peace…even if that peace means separation.

I am learning that some things just may not be worth fighting for.
Sometimes…the cost is just too dang high.
*sigh*

Abba, please take this shaking away. I just don’t know how much more my body and emotions can handle. I give it to You…the only One who can fix some things. Please forgive me for trying to fix it myself. Forgive my stupidity and my audacity. Forgive me for going where even angels may wisely fear to tread. Forgive me for thinking that I could somehow set things right. Forgive me for my mistaken sense of duty…and for my mistaking it for loyalty and love. Forgive me for hurting others in the process of acting out of my own apparently misguided sense of what it means to be friends. Forgive me for presuming to think that I know what real friendship is…and real sisterhood. I need You to teach me the truth about all of those things. Please take my tears and use them to water something good. Please make something good grow.

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Brokenness and Conflict

May 12, 2008

We are all broken in some way. Sometimes I am keenly aware of my brokenness and other times I am able to kind of push it away and focus on other things. It is not that I pretend I am not broken…I just don’t dwell on it and beat myself up over it.

Then something happens that slams it in my face again. I get reminded of how broken I really am. And of how easily my brokenness can effect others. I have to be careful not to start beating myself up over it.

Conflict is one of those things. I HATE conflict. I especially hate confrontation. I do everything I can to avoid them until I feel I have no choice. I don’t have a lot of experience with confrontation and conflict resolution, but I have done it. Sometimes it turns out really well, with both sides gaining a greater understanding and appreciation for each other. Sometimes it does not turn out so well.

Besides a lack of experience, it seems as if each time it is different anyway. You have different personalities involved, each with their own histories coming into play. When both sides are coming from a place of deep woundedness on top of the wounding within the current conflict…well, that just makes things all the more difficult. Or, it can anyway. It does not have to. I guess a lot of it depends on how willing…and on how able…all sides are to tough it out and work through things.

Sometimes one, or more (or even both/all), of the persons involved is coming from a place of such deep woundedness that they just cannot handle it. Or they are coming from a place of healing and strength and simply choosing to walk away. They withdraw…for their own sake. Hopefully, at some point, they can reach a point of being able to revisit it. But that may not happen. It may just become one of those never resolved things in life…a loose end.

It think it takes a lot of bravery for a broken person to enter into an arena where conflict might take place. I also think that it is smart for all involved to know when they need to take a break…or even to walk away for good. That is not always easy to determine…or easy to accept.

I find it ironic that I was recently told that two people had blocked my email address because of my refusal to let something drop. The reason I say it is ironic is because I had no idea that the one person had blocked it. Why did I not know? Because I had dropped the conversation and never emailed her again! I got no notice of blocking!

As for the other one…I did know, but it happened after only a few emails. I do recognize that I blew it big time in that conversation. My own humanness and brokenness comes in a lot with that. I really needed to keep two issues separate…and I failed horribly. I got them mixed together. When she started to withdraw, I pushed, which was another big mistake…again…due to the mixing of two issues. And, of course, mixing them also gave the wrong impression as to my motives. *sigh*

Oh, well. One can only do the best they can and then learn from their mistakes. The sad thing is, whenever one closes a door, it makes it kind of difficult to work things out. Well, actually, without communication, it makes it impossible.

Anyway, those are my thoughts at the moment on brokenness and conflict.

I am also working through a situation right now for which I have sought the advice of more than one pastor. What they told me, in unison, has caused me to now ask a lawyer/judge for his thoughts on it. Oy vey! That is one thing about seeking counsel. Sometimes you are told more than you really wanted to know. But once you know…what do you do? You cannot just ignore it…especially if it has legal ramifications on top of the moral ramifications. There is nothing like being between a rock and a hard place!

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