Archive for the ‘changes’ Category

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Trying times…

March 26, 2020

These are trying times. No doubt about it. They can also be triggering. It is easy to feel trapped rather than restful. To feel fearful and uncertain rather than resting in the Creator. I am sure some of us have programming that can easily get triggered during times such as these.

It is time to make sure we take good care of ourselves. Know your grounding tools. If you have not already, develop your skills to handle being triggered. Learn to recognize when a trigger might be coming on so you can stop it before it takes full hold.

You can do this. We can do this. This is nothing compared to what you have already survived! Reach out to the people in your life you know are safe. It is OK to be nervous. It is not OK to allow fear to run (and ruin) your life.

My prayers are with all survivors, especially during these times. Use this at home time to read and rest and pray and nurture yourself and those around you. It is still allowable to take walks in most places so long as you keep your distance from others. Enjoy the sunshine and the fresh air. Have a balcony or a back yard? Enjoy them! Listen to music. Sing along! This will not last forever!

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Being a Warrior and a Survivor…

November 29, 2012

I am a fighter…and I recognize that it is my Creator who gave me that ability to fight.

I am a survivor…and it is my Creator who brought me through all the hell to get to the wonderful place I am today.

I am filled with the Shalom of my Messiah Yeshua and it is His Ruach/Spirit that has helped me all along my healing journey.

I am a warrior, too. So, what is the difference between a fighter and a warrior? I think there is a lot. I started out as a fighter, fighting my way through what was going on in order to survive. I fought to be “sane” (whatever that means). I fought to make it through the day. I fought to stay alive. I fought to hide my true self from everyone around me. I fought to look “normal” so no one would know the truth. I fought and I fought and I fought, but it was a fighting that was based more upon instinctively swinging my “arms” to fend off an enemy.

Over time, though, I became a warrior. I went on the offensive. And that is when things really started to change. That is when the evil I was fighting really started to show itself for what it was…dark and malevolent. It was not that I did not see that before. It was not that I was not doing some warrior fighting before. But there came a time in my life when I had no choice but to come out swinging on the offensive. I had to for the safety of my youngest.

My battle to survive and just make it through life slowly transformed into a battle of fighting back until the fighting back became the main thing. After years of feeling as if I were struggling just to keep my head above water so I could breath, I slipped into years of taking ground. I started to fight for real healing.

There are some who decry the term “survivor”, as if that is somehow less than or as if it somehow holds us back. We must never use that term, but must instead call ourselves “thrivers”…or some other term to define who we are.

But I AM a survivor! I have survived horrendous things and made it out the end! I am PROUD of that. Being a survivor means they did not win! A cancer survivor is one who has conquered cancer. No one would ever think of telling him or her not to use that term! So, why is it not OK for us who have survived extreme abuse?

I am a survivor! I am alive! I am “sane”…well, I guess that may depend upon your definition of “sane”. I am smiling as I write that. I am HERE! I did not die. I did not end up in a mental ward. I did not end up in jail. I did not end up dead. I have a good marriage. I made it out of all the abuse. Yes, it took years to do. Yes, I am still partially amnesic. Yes, I have a lot of healing left to do. But I am ALIVE! I no longer answer to my abusers. Hallelu Yah!

I am both a survivor AND a thriver. You see, I don’t see it as an either/or kind of thing. I am both! And I am grateful. I can see the beauty in life and share it with others. Here is some of that beauty now.

 

 

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Changes…

June 29, 2010

I felt it was time for some changes…like my header, for instance. It just seemed like the prior header was a bit somber and I wanted something cheerier. See the page Header Photos for the significance of the photo I used.

I have been working on the upcoming Webinar. So far…with the exception of a few drawings I found in a notebook, I have everything (I think) cataloged. My art is in different formats. Some of it is pdf, some doc, some Photoshop creation, some are physical pieces that are photographed. Everything that is photographed is cropped. A good portion are also watermarked and exported for webinar use. Only a few are actually in the presentation.

I have not made up my mind which pieces I am going to show yet. I am just preparing them all because I have to send my PC in on warranty. Yes…I am grimacing…especially since it looks like my hubby has to send his in, too. We have older ones we can switch back to…but they cannot handle the PSE8 software I use for my photos, etc. So, I am just fixing them all up. The presentation software should work OK.

There are more art photos up on the Healing Art blog. I am going to try and add one or two every day or so. But we will see…what with my PC and all. I really need to work on the Webinar…to pick those pieces. I want to make sure those pieces are all up by the Webinar date.

It looks like we just might be in a new place within the next couple of months or so. At least…that is what we are hoping.

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Healing and Emotional Detachment

August 30, 2008

Hmm…not really sure how to say this. I am realizing that I need to have a healthy emotional detachment from others. I notice this the most with the one person I am closest to, but it applies to others, too. I tend to feel guilty at times about how others are effected by my issues. It is OK to feel sad about it…but it is not OK to feel bad about myself because of it. Feeling bad about myself helps me to spiral downward. Feeling sad does not.

I can feel sad that my brokenness effects others without feeling badly about myself. There is only so much I can do. If I cannot do, or be, what someone else needs me to do, or be, that does not make me a bad person…even if they have every “right” to want me do it. I don’t need to beat myself up, or be miserable, just because someone else is miserable or unhappy about how my issues effect them. I can be empathetic. I can care. I can do my best to work on my healing; but I do not have to push heaven and hell to try to change something that I have no control over. That just sets me up for failure and I start to crash.

If someone is struggling with something about me that I have no control over I need to let them face that and work out how to deal with it. Yes, I do need to keep working on my healing…and, hopefully, I will be changed in that process. But the results are not up to me. Neither is how someone else handles those results. That is something that person has to work out.

I can do the footwork, but Yahweh God has to do the healing. He has to change me. I cannot force change. I can change my behavior…to a certain extent. However, I cannot change my triggers. Shoot, a lot of the time I am still trying to figure what the triggers precisely are and why they even trigger me! I can work on those things, but I cannot force myself to not be triggered.

Another thing I struggle with is that, acceptance of myself as I am right where I am at, can look like I am giving up to someone else. It can appear that I don’t care and am not really “working” on something anymore. That is not the case, though. To me, acceptance of where I am at simply means trusting that God will do what is needed without my having to be constantly striving and then feeling awful because, in spite of all my hard work and striving, I am still being triggered…or still failing. It means that I can continue to do what I can and trust Him for the results.

Sometimes, if it is someone really close to me, I find that the other person’s struggle with me and resulting unhappiness causes me to feel bad about myself. The feelings of worthlessness start to kick in, along with thoughts of them being better off without me. I start to spiral downward and that is not good. I am realizing that my feeling that way means that I am sort of taking responsibility for how they feel. It is harder to see it that way because it happens in such a roundabout way. Nonetheless, it is real…and it is not healthy…for them or me.

There is nothing like feeling helpless to start a round of depression. It works so well. I need to be on guard for that and practice taking good care of myself. It is my responsibility to take good care of my emotional and mental health, just as it is for me to take good care of my physical health.

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Where Should My Focus Be?

August 18, 2008

There is something about myself that I have been working on changing for about the last year now. Recently, I was hit with the realization that I am definitely not there yet. I am much closer than I think I have ever been…but still not there.

What really brought it home for me just recently is that there was something very significant and very important happening to a very dear friend…and I spaced on it. It was not that I totally forgot about it, but I really believe it should have been more in the front of my mind. I was distracted away from it. When this friend brought it up, I had to ask about it because I had spaced on it. That did not feel good…or right. It really pulled me up short.

There are people that Yahweh God has brought into my life. These are people who consider me to be a good friend. They feel close to me. I don’t know why. I feel so messed up and so broken that it is difficult for me to fathom this, but they do. They see my heart. They KNOW me! Sometimes it really amazes me how well they know me.

These are ones I know my heart is safe with. I know that, no matter what I say or do, they will not trample on my heart. They will hang in there and help me to work through whatever is going on…and I think, I hope, they know their hearts are safe with me.

These are the ones who see the shades of gray and are able to ask me questions about myself to help me see more clearly the things I need to see. We are both iron sharpening iron and loving support for one another. I am very blessed to have them in my life.

Soooooo, why am I “neglecting”, for lack of a better word, to invest more time and emotional energy to build up these friendships than I am? That is what I have been looking at for quite a while now. Granted, I have my own life struggles that interfere. They know that. They have their own struggles that they are dealing with, so they understand that. Sure, I do need to push through my own stuff…my own abuse background that tends to interfere with my having trusting close friendships.

However, it is more than that. I believe that I have allowed myself to be distracted away through investing time and emotional energy where I should not have been. It is not that I never should have been. I don’t believe that for one minute. Yet, there can come a time when it is appropriate, and even necessary, to move on…to step away, at least for a bit.

I have been spinning my wheels, as it were, and being drained and distracted. As a result, I have not been investing enough in the very friendships that most benefit from that investment! Shame on me for that. Yes…shame. I looked up the definition. There is nothing wrong with feeling ashamed of our shortcomings and faults. It means that we feel the painful emotion of recognizing that we have blown it. Shame can motivate us to change for the good…and that is what I am working on.

I am going to continue to let go of those things which are distractions that draw me away from the people I should be focused on. I feel good about that. I feel good about the fact that I am so much closer to this goal than I was before. I feel good about the fact that I am able to see it even more clearly now…and that I am able to put more actions to the desire to change. I feel good about the fact that I can have confidence in knowing that my heavenly Abba has been helping me and that He will continue to help me.

It always feels good to know that I am moving in the right direction. I have some art ideas to work on to help me concretely move forward.

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Heart of Stone

July 3, 2008

I hate doing hard things. But I am willing to do them and, with Yahweh God’s help, I do actually do them. Some seem to think, though, that my doing of hard things must mean that I have a heart of stone. That I have no feelings. Or that I do not care about others.

Well, one thing I have learned is that I cannot change others’ perspectives. Nope. It is just not possible. I can speak the truth as best I can; but ultimately, they will believe what they choose to believe. Sadly, that may be based more upon what is convenient and less upon the actual truth.

Truthfully, that hurts! It hurts to be shut out by those I love. It hurts to be pushed away from someone I was loyal to…someone I defended…someone I stood up for.

It also hurts to try and communicate with someone and have them respond to things I never wrote while ignoring some of the things I did write. It hurts to be accused of doing the very things that person is doing to me. It also hurts to have someone I trust write things to me that seem almost as if they are deliberately trying to trigger me. And it hurts to be pushed away by someone I stood up for and remained loyal to.

Why do all these things hurt? Well…some of it is how I feel myself. I won’t deny that. However, there is something much bigger going on. Each one’s behavior reflects things they are experiencing and going through. So, I also hurt for them. Yeah, there is a part of me that wants to be angry for myself…oh poor me. But what I am experiencing is nothing compared to what they must be having to live with.

Each one of us is the way we are for a reason. Good things have happened. Bad things have happened. They all impact us. They all contribute to us being the way we are…to our reacting to things the way we react. So…are we just automatons? Is there no hope of being changed? Of being able to see truth and learn new ways to respond to things? I believe there IS hope.

For me, the key to being changed is to allow Yahweh God to change me. I cannot change myself. I can make decisions to change. I can take steps in that direction. I can even accomplish quite a bit at times. However, there are some things that I simply cannot change.

The really deep, hard things…I must have help with. I must have Yahweh’s help. He sent me His Son, Yeshua/Jesus, as my first line of help. Then He sent His Spirit to live within me as another help…a huge help. He also sends me the information I need and the people to walk alongside of me…to help support me.

Ultimately, though, He is the One who changes me. I must co-operate…but He does the changing. He does for me what I am unable to do for myself. He is the helper of the helpless and there are so many areas in which I am helpless.

Yahweh God is my only real hope.

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"Don’t Know What to Think" or "Losses vs. Changes"

June 18, 2008

I really don’t know what to think. During some recent events, I had someone that I had previously trusted very deeply write some things to me that really caught my attention. There was something about the wording that “felt” almost as if this person were trying to tap into my programming on some level. I truly doubt that it was a conscious thing. Nonetheless, I kept getting that feeling.

As I looked at what was happening…the circumstances surrounding the “conversation”…there were things that just were not adding up. There were things that were not making sense. I am sure that it did not help that I got a dream later on where there was an element in the dream that seemed to relate a bit to what it felt like this person was trying to do.

I hate to think it, let alone write it, but I have to admit that I am a bit wary of that person now. It is someone I have loved for a long time…and considered to be a friend for a long time. I still love this person. That will not change. I would like to think that we are still friends, however, I would say that the nature of our relationship has changed to the degree that I am not sure that “friend” is a label that still applies. That would have to come from both sides and since there is no communication going on right now…well, that does make it kind of difficult for it to be anything.

I guess you could say that I am going through a kind of grieving right now. There are huge changes in the air and I am facing even more “losses”. So, I am feeling the loss of what I thought was a friendship, as well as some possible future losses.

In reality, I really should think of it just as changes…not losses. However, it “feels” like losses. Life always brings changes…all kinds of changes…including changes in our connections with others. New ones come in…old ones move on. My connections with more than one person have changed recently…for different reasons. Some of it is just the natural course of life. Some of it is from choices…theirs or mine or both. Some of it is necessary. *sigh*

One thing never changes…Yahweh. His love is constant. His presence is constant. I cannot hide from Him…nor can anyone else hide me from Him. He is always there…loving me…even when I struggle to love myself…even when I struggle to receive love from others…even when others struggle to give love to me. He is always there.

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Mother’s Day and Changes

May 11, 2008

This is typically a difficult day for me. There are several reasons. I know it is difficult for many others, too. My mother’s birthday is close to this day and on some years, even falls upon this day. I love my mother. I wish we could be close…but that is just not possible. She is not emotionally safe for me. Neither is my father. And they may not be physically safe, either. I don’t really know. But now that I know what I know…I may be considered a threat to them…at least in their eyes. I wish them no harm. I just want to live in peace with others so much as it is in my power to do so.

In fact, my desire to live in peace is causing me to think about making some changes in my life. I have been sensing that Yahweh has been calling me to do this and I have been dragging my feet. Oh, there is always something that comes up that seems like a good reason to wait. But now I am seeing the folly of waiting. If I am supposed to change something…it is best to do it right away. Otherwise…there just might be some consequences as Yahweh allows some things to happen to nudge me in the direction He wants me to go.

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