Archive for the ‘choices’ Category


Deception- Thoughts in General

July 14, 2020

This blog has a different login from my other ones. It’s like I want to keep my survivor world separate from the rest of my life. But I can’t. Not really. There is always bleed over.

So, why do I keep them separate? Part of it is that there is so much deception in the world and people do not want to believe the kinds of things I have experienced are real. No way do these kinds of things happen. But, yes way. They do. And many are the walking wounded. And the ones who know it is true are often the perpetrators and unsafe people.

Deception, deception. I see the plan playing out in the world today. We are headed to the epic battle between good and evil. Will it happen in our decade? I don’t know. Maybe we will get a reprieve. In the ultimate end… they will lose and evil will be vanquished from the universe.

I just know that watching all that is going on (via real news) with the awareness I have, as well as what I know from my history, is sometimes a bit triggering.

I have worked very hard on shoving that part of my life to the side… of moving on and not really giving it much thought. I even managed to make it through several Octobers without thinking about what really goes on. Oh, I thought about it on a surface level, but not in my gut. I thought about the evil in general, but not the details of the deeds… until last year.

The decorations just get sicker and more depraved each year. And I mourn inside that people could find pleasure in such things. When I described to my therapist the one that set me off so badly last year, she couldn’t believe ANYone would even begin to think that kind of decoration was appropriate.

But see, people don’t believe it is real. We have become so desensitized by the movies and programs and music we watch that it all has a surreal quality. Instead of being sickened by what we see and watch, we shrug it off. Well, many do. There are a lot of us out there who don’t. We can’t because we know the truth. We know it in our psyches and in our bodies. We bear the wounds in our minds and hearts and some of us even bear the physical scars.

I remember getting body memories that caused me to double up in pain. To this day, I don’t remember the original event. It is still buried somewhere in the amnesia. It is as if my own mind is deceiving me by hiding the source… by leaving me with partial amnesia.

But isn’t that what memory suppression is? Isn’t that what splitting is? It is hiding the ugly in an attempt to deceive our conscious selves that all is really OK when it sure the heck is not! So much is about deception. Layer upon layer of deception.

The rituals. The sacrifices. The trafficking. The photos and the filming. The babies. The children. The animals. All used in so many sick and demeaning ways. But some of it was deceptive… sets with actors and effects. Which was real and which was not? To the child… it was ALL real. It did not matter if he/she killed a real baby or if it was staged and fake. To the child, it was real and so was the trauma. What we experienced was real, even if the cause was faked in some instances. And, in oh so many instances, they were definitely not faked. Evidence has been found to show otherwise, especially from the wannabe’s.

Deception. The biggest tool of our spiritual adversary who controls all the pawns at the top who think they are going to win. Ha! They are just being used and are just as deceived as the ones they deceive. And maybe even more so for they believe they know the truth, but they don’t. They are living a lie. The very deceivers themselves are deceived!

And yet, in spite of all I have experienced and all I have been through, I cannot and I do wish evil on anyone. I wish them to be set from their bondage to evil and to the evil one. I wish them to know the very real freedom and joy of serving the One True God. I wish they would know His love and the touch of His Spirit. I wish they would know His peace.

I refuse to allow evil to win in my life. I am moving forward and taking a leap of faith, trusting God is leading me. I am going to be fairly transparent with some people I hope to work with. I could lose everything or I could gain a huge gift. Which will it be? Only God knows. But I think it will be the latter and that I am moving according to His leading. If I am wrong, I will still lean on Him, my Deliverer who has set me free from so many things.

I feel as if I have to be a bit deceptive because I cannot be transparent with just anyone about my real history. I have to keep it partially hidden from the world just as it is partially hidden from me in the veil of remaining amnesia. I have often wished I could share like they do in the conferences (which I do not attend). But that is not me. I will settle for this blog and for some one on one in person sharing.

Deception. So much is wrapped around and wound up in deception. Other than what I have to hide to stay “safe”, I hate deception. I hate hiding. But if I can be at least somewhat open with just two or three, well… that is a huge gift.

I believe this jpg from another site sums it up well. I would add not to waste it on the dangerous. Be wise.


Choices in Each New Day

January 9, 2009

I am sitting here to write, not sure what I really want to say. Every day is new…every day is different. Yet, there is a thread that runs through them all. I have choices to make…choices for good things…choices for bad things. It is up to me.

Now, on the surface, that would seem like a no brainer. Duh! Make choices for good things! Doesn’t everyone want good things? Well…maybe. The thing is…how do we know what is really good? There are a lot of things out there that sure look pretty good! The question is…are they really good?

I am in the process of writing a response to a friend. She had written, sharing about some of the horrible things she has been subjected to. As I look at it, I can see that ones who did those things to her thought that it was good…for them! But what about her? What about others? What about those times when something we want…something we think is good for us…is bad for someone else?

That is part of the problem with each person deciding for him or herself what is good…what is right…what is true. Truth cannot be relative. Right and wrong cannot be relative. Something is either true…or it is not. It is either right…or it is not. It is either wrong…or it is not.

I love it when someone tells me that we each have to decide what is right…what is acceptable…what is moral. Well, what if I decide to take a gun out and shoot you? What if I have decided that in my value system…in my arena of what is right and wrong…that it is right (better yet…that it is actually GOOD) if I get rid of you? Hmmm…all of a sudden my having the freedom to decide for myself what is true and what is right is no longer quite so appealing…is it?

Someone has to have the ability to definitively define truth…to define right and wrong. Who should it be? Well, to me THAT is the no brainer! It should be the One who made the whole universe and everything in it. Duh! Only the One who made it all…who made US all…really has that right!

I know…some will say there is no Creator. Well, I won’t argue that one. Anyone who is really seeking the truth on that will see that it is obvious that there is a Creator. There are too many things that have irreducible complexity for us to have evolved.In fact, when they measure probabilities, the number given for the probability of our evolving is so high that it is accepted as being impossible. There is so much evidence for complexity out there that I am not going to argue it here. Any one with open eyes and no agenda can see it.

Of course, there are those who refuse to accept that…or to at least admit that. Why? Because they want to be a god unto themselves. They do not want to answer to anyone but themselves. A Creator? No way!

I have to ask Yahweh for wisdom to make the right choices. My first line of wisdom comes from studying His book to me…the Bible. My second line of wisdom comes from asking Him for wisdom.

Right now…I am very tired. So, I am going to sign off here for the night and, wisely, make the choice to get some rest!


Being Thankful – It’s a Choice

November 27, 2008

I am thankful for many things. I have a warm place to live. I have my family. I have true friends. Most importantly, I have Yahweh God. I simply could not do life without Him. It is that plain and it is that simple.

I have a purpose. It is to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and to serve Him to the best of my ability according to the giftedness He has given me.

I have experienced much pain in this life. I have experienced deep losses. I can choose to focus on those things. Or, I can choose to focus on the good things in my life. It is my choice. I will always find negative things about life if I look for them. In the same way, I can always find positive things…if I look for them.

There may be days when my struggles cause me to have to look really hard for things to be grateful for, but I can still choose to look for them and to focus on them.

It is a choice I have to make.


I Am Not God!

June 17, 2008

One thing I know…there is a God…and I am not Him. Boy…aren’t you glad about that!? I would make a very poor god with all my imperfections. By definition…God has to be perfect! I mean…hey…He would not be much of a god if He were not, right?

Well, I guess I do know more than one thing. I also know that His name is Yahweh and that He has revealed Himself to us in many ways…through His creation…through His written word…through His people…through His Son, Yeshua/Jesus.

I also know that He sent His Spirit to dwell within those who desire to be His sons and daughters…those who accept what Yeshua did to help us to regain a heart connection with Him that was lost through what Adam and Eve did in the beginning.

I know that Yeshua taught that He was the only way to our heavenly Abba/Father. The ONLY way! It is not a teaching of Christianity…which is mere religion. It is a teaching by Yeshua Himself. You cannot have a better authority on Yeshua than Yeshua…unless, of course, it is His Father. His Father did say in a voice that we humans could hear that Yeshua was His Son and that He was very pleased with Him. I sure don’t think He would be pleased if Yeshua lied about His purpose. Besides, if there are other ways to the Abba/Father, then His suffering and death were a total waste…which would basically make Yeshua quite the loser! He certainly would not be someone to follow or emulate.

I know…there are those who claim the bible has been adulterated…changed. I won’t deny that attempts have been made. However, too many scholars over too many years have been keeping a close eye on it. Plus, God…the author of the book…is certainly big enough to make sure that His word is preserved enough for us to have the truth. You would have to change a huge amount of it to nullify its message…a message which actually starts back in the very first book…Genesis.

When you are dealing with the old portion of the book…the Old Testament, the Old Covenant…then you are also dealing with a culture of people who were so methodical about preserving the integrity of the book that they actually threw away and destroyed any copies that were not perfectly copied. They even checked to make sure there were the same number of words on a page and the same number of letters! Making sure that the copies were preserved was a sacred responsibility that they took VERY seriously!

No, there is truth in the Bible. There is truth in Yeshua’s claim to be the only way. If I am wrong, I lose nothing in the end. But if I am right…those who refuse to believe will be in a bit of a spot. We are talking about an eternal destination here. Those who accept who He is and what He has done and live by His Spirit will be with Him forever. Those who reject that…well, He tells us about that, too.

We each make the choice…to accept or reject. I have made my choice. No one sends anyone to heaven or hell. It is the result of the choice WE each make regarding the Son of God…Yeshua/Jesus. We choose.


Choices to Make

February 17, 2008

I have found in the years of my life that healing largely consists of choices.

I had to choose to seek the truth about who I am and what my purpose is.

I had to choose to seek out my history.

I had to choose to accept the truth…to embrace it.

I had to choose to embrace the pain that comes with it and to work my way through it.

I had to choose to not run away from what is revealed and from the pain it brings.

I have found my main healing has come through my relationship with my God, the One who created the universe and all that is in it. As I have drawn closer to Him, He has led me along an incredible healing journey, some of which I hope to share here. He has led me to people who have helped me tremendously. He has brought healing through many different ways and people all throughout my life. What an awesome ride it has been. I look forward to seeing what remains of it.

I am still partially amnesic and the secrets of my past are still being revealed to me, bit by bit. These secrets are not pleasant ones, but they are part of my story.

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