Archive for the ‘crying’ Category

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It’s Time…to Write…

October 15, 2010

I need to write. It is time…perhaps even past time. I am fighting tears right now and, I must confess, not doing a very good job of it.

Maybe it is the time of year. Maybe it has to do with my parents (I know there is anger under the surface with that one). Maybe it is what feels like a tenuousness in my living situation (even though I am seeing Yahweh do amazing things). Maybe it is being in contact with a cousin (mother’s side) for the first time in many, many years (we never lived close so I have only met her a few times). Maybe it is my expectation of what may be to come…system wise…when we do finally move into the house (which will be unfinished inside). Maybe it is my age and/or the way this living situation has taken its toll on my health. Maybe it is something I don’t even know about…something that is buried deep inside and whirling around.

I see things I want to do…but cannot. My situation and time, along with my state of emotional/mental health holds me back. I want to contribute in ways that I am simply unable to. I want to keep up with my online friends…and cannot. And all of these things are OK…I know (in my head) that they are. But I struggle in my heart. My online friends…in all of their various places…mean a lot to me. They are a form of support that is precious to me. Yet…as beautiful and precious as they are…they are not enough. They, too, are human and facing challenges of their own. They are not able to always be available…which leads me to the next thing I need to write about.

There is something that has been happening in my spirit over a long time. But lately, well, the only way I know to describe it is that it is almost like a surge. It is as if my heart connection with Yahweh has surged forward. I have been facing some challenges…which I have really tried my best to deal with. Those challenges…like challenges often do…have pushed me toward Him even more. I need His wisdom and His guidance, but mostly…I need to rest in His love.

It seems that my faith gets stretched and my spiritual maturity grows through that. And then it seems like I hit the wall. I am utterly helpless and I find it necessary to fall back upon the childlike aspect of my faith. Yeshua said that we should trust like children do. And so that is what I do…I just fall into His love and trust Him for the things I simply cannot do…or even see.

So I rest in Him, trusting Him and drawing even closer to Him. The strength, maturity and depth from the stretching I went through settles in while He is preparing me for the next stretching session. I stretch. I grow. I rest. Stretch. Grow. Rest. A cycle that is as old as time and yet very much in the present and will continue to be right there in the midst of my future. One long strand tying past to present to future.

There are things in that “maybe” paragraph that I think I need to write about…but I think I will separate them out into different posts.

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Hard days

May 14, 2008

This is one of those days when I just want to cry. There are people I love…but I don’t think they will ever know it. They will never see the tears I shed over them. They will never see how my heart breaks over their woundedness and how much I care about them.

I had a friend recently point out to me that loving someone has nothing to do with agreeing with them. Loving someone does not mean that you do not say hard things to them. That friend was so right.

Oh, how I have wrestled with not wanting to say hard things to those I love…and yet, sometimes I simply must. I simply have no choice. And saying those hard things does not mean that I do not love them. In fact, sometimes I say the hard things because I love them!

I wish that I was perfect…that I could do and say everything perfectly! I wish that all my interactions could be done well…with just the right words. And how I fail so miserably! I am feeling that failure now. And I want to cry.

It almost seems as if I don’t know how to convey my heart anymore. Although, if I listen to one person…I get the idea that I have not been conveying my heart very well for a while. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I certainly never set out to hurt anyone. But, I do hurt others. In my own woundedness…in my own humanness, yes, I can hurt others. But it is NEVER my intention to do so.

I am faced with trying to think my way through whether or not I should just shut up entirely. But, somehow, keeping my relationships on a superficial level is just not for me. If I am going to do that…why have them at all? I want deep friendships! Friends who will say hard things and hear hard things. It does go both ways.

But, above all, I want friends who love. Sometimes love is really hard to hear…difficult to convey…especially in the written word. I wish I was better at it. The messages I have been getting lately cause me to wonder. They are mixed. Some really get the love I have for them. Others are saying the opposite. So, I wonder, what is truth? Maybe both are! Maybe it has to do with how others “hear” me. Or it has to do with different personality mixes. I don’t know.

I just know that this is one of those days when I want to cry.

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