Archive for the ‘darkness’ Category

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Sui…well, you get the idea…

January 16, 2011

Within a few days, I read four things about suicide. One was a post at DIDiva where she gives a link to an article in the Huffington Post about a young man who killed himself. Reading that really made me very sad for him and for all the others who feel so alone…who feel such overwhelming darkness…and who feel that taking their life is the only real option. I am glad that he wrote a letter explaining what he did. Maybe it will help others.

I think it was the same day that I also read an online friend’s description of the aftermath of a suicide attempt. She especially wrote about the effects on the body. She also included a link to another person I know online whose blog I had never read…although we had crossed paths. That person mentioned an attempt in her year review…which led me to explore her blog a while.

I kept reading and wanting to respond, yet could not bring what I was feeling into words. Or at least not into words that I felt would do any good or have any kind of usefulness. I finally decided to write a post here instead, but had neither the time or wherewithal to put my feelings into thoughts and my thoughts into words on the screen. I just kept mulling it over…and experiencing emotions.

I can think of reasons that posts like that draw me. One is that it is possible that my sister committed suicide. I don’t know that it was intentional, but she did die as the result of her own actions. Some of those actions took the long, slow route…like bulimia and alcoholism. Boy was she a fighter…when the cult was not slapping her down.

I have received different stories about what happened and have even spoken with the coroner and read her report. I know my sister. There are things in the report that are fishy. But, hey, that is not exactly surprising considering how strong the cult is in that area. For example, my sis was a hard-core bulimic. For that alone, she was really living on borrowed time. Add to that alcohol. Know that those two things do to the body? It isn’t pretty. Yet, her stomach and liver were “unremarkable”! Excuse me! Unremarkable???? That is so wrong! Nothing about her teeth or knuckles, either. Personally, I think the family she lived with wanted to get rid of her and what they describe to me backs up my thought.

So that is one reason writings like that catch my eye. Another is that I have friends who struggle with this issue…a lot. And I care very much about them. I don’t want to lose them and I can only pray that they really know how much they mean to me…without them feeling pressured by that. I hope that makes sense.

I especially appreciated the post describing the aftermath because I have thought of suicide most of my life. I am pretty much beyond it now, but there was a time when it was on my mind…a LOT. It was not so much that I wanted to die. I just wanted the pain to stop…which is what I suspect happened to my sister. I think she was trying to number herself and over did it…or her battered body just finally gave out.

So…why am I alive? There are a number of reasons. I have always been determined not to leave that legacy to my loved ones…especially my children. I know that survivors of a loved one’s suicide are a lot more likely to commit suicide themselves. I did not want to put them at risk. Therefore, I searched for ways to do it that would not be obvious…that no one would think my death was intentional. I couldn’t find one.

There was also the fact that I believe I am here for a reason. The end of my life is G-d’s domain…not mine. Hard as it has been at times…I want to honor that. Fear of hell used to keep me alive, but I no longer believe that people go to hell for taking their lives. For other things, yes…but not for that. Not wanting to have to stand before my heavenly Abba explaining why I did it was compelling enough, though.

There is one thing I have found, however. There are times when the darkness and pain can become so severe that all of those reasons start to become meaningless. No matter how strong they are in normal life, when the darkness gets that strong, they fade into the background. Holding onto life becomes a challenge. Even now, I have my days when I want to go Home. I don’t act on it, but I can sure want it.

As far back as High School I would pray for G-d to take me Home as I slept. I don’t remember if I prayed that in Junior High. Junior High is when my childhood memories start to come into focus…although I am missing things from that, too. My mother told me about a major change during that time that I still only have a single incident flashback about. So I know I am still missing stuff.

Anyway, this is what I have been thinking on for the last few days. To all my friends (and anyone else out there) who are struggling with this issue…please, hold on. I do understand. Feel free to share with me how you feel. I know that can help. Either email me or find someone to talk to. Please know that someone cares. I know…when the darkness is that deep it may not really matter. But I feel a need to write it anyway.

Edit in on 1/17: When I wrote this the other day, there was something I wanted to include, but forgot. There is another reason I hesitated to do anything…I was terrified of surviving. There are a lot of aspects of surviving that I dreaded…such as shame, facing the anger and hurt of others and having others not trust me because they were always worried that I might try it again.

The biggest fear, though, was the possibility of surviving in a body that was broken beyond repair. I was terrified that I could end up paralyzed or with some kind of irreparable brain damage that would leave me dependent upon others (and, in my mind, a burden to them) for the rest of my life. I would feel like a double failure…unable to take my life and now a mess for others to deal with. That was my reality. That was my thinking in those times.

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Darkness to Sunshine to Darkness

April 17, 2008

Yep, the sun is shining outside. It is a beautiful day dawning.

Yet, I can feel the darkness closing in again..inside. The pain is back. Oh, well. I wish the sunshine had lasted longer, but at least I did get some much needed warmth and light! Yep…that is me…always trying to see the positive side of things.

Most of the time it feels as if I am living in shades of gray…like the twilight times of day…with periods of darkness…like the night. Oh, the sun does peak out for moments at a time. It is not that I never experience times of joy and light. It is just that those times are sporadic and short lived.

The twilight always comes back and with it…the darkness eventually comes in like a flash flood. There is rarely a warning…it just hits with sudden force…knocking me flat. It is in those times of intense emotional pain that it feels the darkest. It is in those times that the struggle is the greatest. It is in those times that I am even more grateful for Yeshua/Jesus. I can honestly say that, if it were not for Him in my life…if it were not for Him holding me close to His heart…I would not be able to live this life. It is only through His Spirit that I can get through this. I am so thankful to be a daughter of Yahweh…so thankful that I belong to Yeshua.

Life is hard. I am not going to pretend it is not. That is not what being a follower of Yeshua is about. In fact, He told us that we would have trials and tribulations, especially if we are His followers. I have seen that in my own life. Yet, I love Him and, with His strength, I will never give that love up.

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Ramblings About Memories, Light and Darkness

April 16, 2008

It is hard to explain how I feel. It is almost as if my head has been under water and I have been strugging for air…emotionally. I feel as if my head has suddenly popped above the water and I can, again, breathe deeply. It is as if I am experiencing a respite of sorts.

Oh, how I long for this to stay and not go away. But somewhere around me, I can feel something lurking in the shadows, or looking over my shoulder. I can sense it trying to wrap itself around my heart again…almost as if it were a physical thing. What is it? “It” is the way I have been feeling and living for about the last 8 years.

That is when things really started to hit for me…about 8 years ago. My life was turned upside down and it has been an adventure ever since. Some of that adventure has felt rather dark as I have had to come to terms with a history that was suddenly making itself known. Hidden secrets coming to the surface. Gaps in history slowing being filled in as the pieces are revealed…one by one..like a puzzle without a picture to follow, leaving few clues as to what the whole thing will look like.

It has been a struggle, but a worthwhile one. Sometimes I get a few moments of “sunshine” in the “darkness”. That is what I am feeling now. Yet, I can feel the darkness still there. It feels as if it is just waiting…biding its time…until it starts to sweep back in.

I want to try and put up a wall to keep it at bay…but I cannot. A large part of that darkness is simply my life story…more details yet to be revealed. I can no more wall out my own history than I can wall out the world.

I guess there is more than one way to look at it. I see my history as darkness flowing over me. Yet, as more of my history is revealed…well, that is actually the light piercing the dark shadowy realms of buried memories. It is taking what is currently in the dark and bringing them into the light.

This whole process of revelation feels dark…with the flashbacks and memories trying to come to the surface. Emotionally, it feels as if I am being sucked into a pit. Yet, the more light that shines in that pit…the more whole I can feel…the more I can know who I really am…the more I can see the woman Yahweh/God created me to be.

On the one hand, I have the experience of the memories revealing themselves in a non-emotional way. On the other hand…more recently, it is the emotional side of those memories that are coming out. What was mostly pictures in my head in between periods of disconnected deep emotional pain is now becoming pictures with emotional pain. The emotions…the body memories…the pictures…they are all slowly coming together to make a “whole”. A whole what? I don’t know…yet.

The ongoing effects of the abuse are also part of that shadowy place…that darkness. I know that healing can come. I also know that some of those effects are from the physical results of the abuse. Physical? Emotional? Spiritual? They are all intertwined. Each part of me effects, and is effected by, every other part. None are disconnected from each other.

So, here I sit, having enjoyed a wonderful most of my day…breathing deeply. Tomorrow will bring…? I don’t know. I hope it will bring more sunshine inside.

The sleep time is coming. Will I even be able to go to sleep without some kind of flashback…no matter how mild…taking place? **shrug**

I just keep praying that the light times will become more frequent again…and last longer…like they used to. I want to stay in the lighter realm. But can I heal there? Must I walk through the darkness to heal? It sure seems like it. But I pray it is not so.

Walking in the darkness can sometimes be so scary. I really do not think I could do if it were not for Yeshua/Jesus walking through it with me. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me. This is especially true for me when death programming has been triggered. Yet…He is always there…leading me, protecting me, guiding me. His Holy Spirit lives within me and helps me. Otherwise, I would not make it. I simply would not.

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