Archive for the ‘ex’ Category

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Feeling Tired and Preparing for Meeting the Ex

April 7, 2008

What a day! I am very tired and have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. It was a good day, though. I got some things done that I needed to do, including a good talk with my middle son…the one getting married…about his biofather.

I am feeling better able to prepare for being in the same room with him and his wife. I am going to look at what is the best and what is the worst that can happen. Then I am going to make “plans” accordingly. I hope to write more here soon…but I have been so swamped and, accordingly, overwhelmed. I hate feeling overwhelmed, but oh well.

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The Ex and the Wedding, part 2

April 4, 2008

OK…I need to be honest about how I am feeling regarding the upcoming wedding I wrote about in yesterday’s post. I am jealous…jealous of any time my ex may take of my son and DIL. I am assured that, as of right now, they are not invited to anything other than the ceremony…period. But will that change? Besides, it is not just this wedding time. I am afraid, I think, of the future. And how stupid is that?

At the ceremony, will I see interactions taking place that I don’t want to see? I think maybe I am a bit insecure, too. My pride has me wanting to be always in a superior role to him…a vindicating role. I stuck it out. I was there for the boys, however imperfectly, when he decided he did not want to be married to me and when he decided that it hurt him too much to be a dad. He abandoned us in all the important areas while not abandoning us enough to give us the freedom to heal unemcumbered. Grrrrr!!!!

And I want to stomp my feet and say “You did not play fair so you are not allowed in the game! You are only allowed to watch…not that you should even be allowed to do that!”

BUT…I am also imperfect. I am keenly aware of my own parenting failures. And I love my children. I want to see them healed. There is a deep desire within a child’s heart to have their family be real, be together and loving and safe and all that. I do not want to deny either of them the chance to have a real relationship with their father…which is what I struggle with regarding my oldest.

He wants relationship with his father…but his father is still flaky and so broken that he does not know how to have a real relationship. In fact, I don’t, either, on both counts. I fail my oldest and his wife and my grandchildren all the time. *sigh* Who am I to point fingers? I am nobody.

So, I must face and deal with my own cruddy attitude in all of this. My ex deserves to find healing, too. He also deserves to find real love. As for his wife, well there is that, too. She believed his lies and did not really check for herself. She interfered instead of letting us sort things out…even if we were unable to work it out. She, too, is broken and deserves healing. Am I so ungracious as to deny her that?

Oh, how cold my heart can be. I can “justify” my anger at how he hurt my boys. But am I willing to allow him the grace to heal his relationship with his sons? How will I justify my anger if I allow them to heal? Maybe therein lies the rub. Am I holding onto anger against him? Am I harboring unforgiveness? It is definitely something to look at.

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AAAAAAAACKKKKKK!!! Ex Coming to Son’s Wedding!!

April 3, 2008

OK. So, I have PTSD. I am very dissociative. I don’t travel real well. I need my space and I am out of my comfort zone when I am away from home all day. Shoot…I am out of my comfort zone IN my own home! Add to that the two flights across the continent back home to my middle son’s wedding. Two because there is a layover.

I am really psyching myself up to having an adventure. If I can get through check in, I will at least be able to breathe then. We arrive around 11pm on a Saturday night…unless they change our flights again…only to be picked up and driven about 2 to 2 ½ hours away. We will be staying with my inlaws. I really like them, but it is not like being home.

On Friday, we will have to be taken by either train or car about 3 hours back past the airport to go check into one hotel and be picked up almost immediately to go to a wedding rehearsal and party. The next day we get picked up from that hotel to be taken out to breakfast and then to another hotel where the wedding party is staying.

The following day, Sunday, we go to a Renaissance wedding…all decked out in appropriate garb. *smile* Then we off to the reception until about 10 or 11 pm. Our bags will have to be already packed so that we can fall into bed. We will be sleeping in our traveling clothes as we have to take the first hotel shuttle at 6 am to the airport to start the two flights home.

This is a stressful time of year. I am maxed out and going nutso already. Add this trip to my regular stress. I am really fighting not to fly off the charts.

This son has refused to admit his anger at his bio father. When we visited at Thanksgiving, it was discussed that my ex was NOT invited, or even welcome, at the wedding, even to the degree of being bounced should he show up…my son’s wishes. Now, I love my son. I have been concerned about his denial of the anger others could so clearly see. My hubby has adopted him and my son considers him to be his real Dad. But…he needs to accept, face and deal with his anger at his bio father.

Well…I am really glad to see that he is acknowledging something. He told me today that his biofather might be coming to the wedding. This, naturally, caught me by surprise. I asked him about it. This is what he said in IM:
“I’ve changed my mind and allowed them to come
…I don’t think they deserve to come
…by allowing Joe to take part of something that he isn’t worthy to take part of, …it allows me to release part of the affect / anger he’s had over me
…if that makes any sense”

I told him that I think he should do whatever he needs to do for his own healing and that it does make sense, although not everyone may understand it.

Soooooo…I could scream!!!!! I don’t WANT my ex and his wife to be there. I am hoping they will not be dressed up in Renaissance garb…clearly marking a line of separation. I am selfish. And, yeah…maybe a bit jealous and insecure, too. I am very aware of my own failings as a parent.

Yet…I am so proud of my son and the steps he is taking for his own healing. This is a huge breaking through the denial. Yet…I am ticked inside. I very much believe my ex and his family to be cult…that our marriage was cult arranged…so that is another factor.

I feel sooooo tired. At first I was stunned. Then, when it started to hit and I could feel myself going crazy inside, I had to hide my true feelings because of my youngest son. Now…I just feel drained and…numb? I don’t know anymore. I wanted to scream…but I think I got maxed out on the emotion scale? I think I am going numb…which basically means that I am stuffing…which is not good.

What is next? I hope he does not invite my parents. Although…I have mixed feelings even about that…and THAT is scary…because my father is not a safe person…neither is my mother. Who knows? I feel so conflicted and confused lately. I want to know if both of my parents are still alive. I want to know if my mother recovered from her stroke. I want to know how they are doing. I have even contemplated doing what one sheriff recommended and buy a cheap prepay phone from their area (if I can afford it) and call them on it. They might or might not talk to me. They might or might not even answer the phone…but I want to do it. I want to try. And I don’t even know if that is good…or bad.

I feel conflicted and confused and tired and numb and?????? I want to cry…I think…not even sure about that.

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