Archive for the ‘flashbacks’ Category

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What is healing…

December 4, 2012

I am not really sure what healing looks like. I think it is different for each person. After years of looking at it, I still don’t have a solid definition, but I can share with you some things that sure look like healing for me.

Healing Is

Healing is being able to laugh…even in the midst of pain.

Healing is being able to cry…even when others are around.

Healing is being able to somewhat identify what I am feeling,
and hopefully…even being able to have an idea of WHY I am feeling it.

Healing is knowing when I need to decompress,
being able to identify safe places to decompress,
and then…doing it.

Healing is being able to sense whether a person or place is safe
And then being able to keep myself safe.

Healing is being able to find joy in life.

Healing is being able to see good things…even when bad things are happening.

Healing is being able to have gratitude for what I do have
rather than bemoaning what I don’t.

Healing is being able to be productive in some way every day
even if I am the only one who recognizes it.

Healing is being able to take a step forward,
no matter how tiny
and even if it is only in my heart.

Healing is being able to face some aspect of my past…without completely crumbling.

Healing is being able to recognize that some part of my history,
no matter how small or big,
no longer has a hold on me.

Healing is being able to make plans…and know that they might actually happen!

Healing is being able to say that I made it through
another minute,
another day,
another hour,
another week,
another month,
another year,
another anniversary,
another flashback,
another body memory,

Healing is having the freedom to fully unleash my creativity and
sing again,
play music again,
write again,
talk again,
share again.

Healing is being able to give without manipulation
and receive without manipulation
even more importantly… recognizing the difference.

Healing is being to allow myself to truly love
and open myself to the potential for heartache without fear,
knowing that I can rise above anything that happens.

Healing is allowing myself to trust others
and being trustworthy myself.

Healing is giving myself permission to live life to the fullest
without thinking much about healing or hurting or my history.
It is allowing myself to temporarily “forget” that I even have an abusive history.

Healing is knowing that I was a victim who dared to survive
and am now a survivor who dares to thrive.

Healing is being able to put words to my experiences,
words like
“rape”
and “sexual abuse”
and “incest”
and “satanic ritual abuse”.
And healing is to put them without capital letters because
I am bigger and taller and stronger than they are
and I refuse to give them capital letter power in my life.

Healing is being able to cry and know that I am OK
and everything will be alright.

Healing is being able to see my Creator’s love for me
even when I know I don’t deserve it.

Healing is being able to see His hand in my life…even during the most awful of experiences.

Healing is being able to see His protection and how He got me through.

I may think of more things to add to that list. As I do, I may edit

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Living Life in the Face of Nastiness…

March 30, 2012

There are people in life who are simply nasty. They are mean, disrespectful and really don’t care how what they do affects others. When confronted with such people, we have choices to make. We can either react to them, wherein we lose ourselves by allowing them to control our lives and determine how we will live. Or, we can respond to them, wherein we maintain our own autonomy and integrity and choose how we shall live. I prefer the latter. That is my choice.

When I am confronted by nasty negative people I choose to remember that I, too, have had my “moments” of being nasty or ugly. It may not have been intentional. I may not have even been aware of how I was coming across. Or, I may have realized it as it was happening, but did not know how to “fix” it. Or maybe there was no fix…the damage was already done. Any way you look at it, I have had a negative impact on others at times in my life. So, I believe it is worthwhile to remain humble toward others, recognizing that I am certainly not perfect, either!

I also try to remember that everyone is the way they are for a reason. For good or bad, we have all had negative and positive experiences in life that have helped to shape us into what we are today. Sometimes, the balance between positive and negative was fairly even overall. But for some of us, one heavily outweighed the other.

For those whose positive experiences heavily outweighed the negative it can be difficult to understand those of who whose lives were the opposite. We may fumble where they do not. We may react to things that do not faze them one bit. I think it is good when each person can believe another’s story and try to imagine living in that reality. It can help us to be more empathetic toward others.

For those of us who weigh heavily on the negative, and some even in the extreme, it can be difficult to imagine life without that. We see the way others live and struggle to comprehend how they can do that. It just isn’t even on our radar.

Thankfully, though, there can be some good experiences even in the midst of craziness and evil, that give us some positive skills for life. For me, knowing my Creator made a HUGE difference. It is part of what helped to shape me and, I think, to temper how the abuse affected me.

I still deal with the physical effects of trauma brain and I can still experience flashbacks that are part of PTSD and getting  triggered.  However, I have learned over the years how to cope and work around the aftereffects. I know what I can do and what I cannot do and I no longer feel guilt or shame over what I cannot do…even when others do not understand. It is frustrating at times when people look less favorably upon me for what I cannot do. They cannot comprehend how even the simplest of things can be overwhelming at times. But I have learned to live with that and simply accept that there are things they simply do not know and, even if they did, might not be able to understand.

Life is good…even when it is hard. I am OK with that. My heavenly Abba/Father/true Daddy walks with me. So does my Messiah…Yeshua. Their Ruach/Spirit lives within me and that strengthens and comforts me…especially when life is hard.

I refuse to give up. I refuse to hold grudges. I refuse to not forgive. I choose to walk in freedom with my head held high…even when I am shaking inside.

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Each Day Moving Forward…

September 15, 2010

I don’t know how much time we have left in this world. I watch it getting worse and worse…and then I wonder…how serious are my problems…really. I do my best when I walk in the truth that this is NOT my real Home. My real Home comes after this world passes away. This is merely a shadow of what is to come…and for some of us…it is a very dark shadow.

Yet…the Creator has come to bring light into this darkness. He has come to bring love and healing…and a challenge. Recognizing who He is and choosing to follow Him comes with a price. There are those who reject Him and there are some who will reject me, also. Some will reject me because I am a broken imperfect person, but there are some who will reject me because I follow Him…because I will not compromise truth.

Personally…I don’t really think that most people are really rejecting Him. I think they are rejecting the caricature and false image of Him that has been taught in so many places and groups. It really makes me sad when I see how He is portrayed as something/someone He is not. So many people miss out on the blessing of really knowing Him because they have never been introduced to the REAL Him!

Another thing that makes a real difference in my life is when I sit with the One who made me…the One who knows me best…the One who became man and gave of Himself for me. That is one of the challenges of my living situation. I have not had any regular time alone to just sit with Him. But then I have to ask myself…how much do I really love Him? When we really love someone…don’t we make time to be with that person?

As I sit here I recognize that I really do not do all I can to spend time with Him…listening for His voice…reading and learning of Him…focusing my heart upon Him…drawing closer to Him. There are things in my life that make it harder to do all of that…things I can do nothing about. I can’t do much about my brain being in a fog…or about feeling a bit dizzy at times. I can’t do much about being unable to focus…about my mind swirling around. However, do I make the best use of the little snippets of time I have alone? He is my Creator. He loves me so much and has been here for me in so many ways. Do I really appreciate that? Do I show that appreciation?

It has been so long since I have lived in a situation that allowed me to spend regular time with Him and in His written words to me. Yet…I do talk to Him a lot. In fact, I am talking to Him even as I write these words. And He does speak to my heart. As I sit here thinking that I am failing to really do all I can to draw close to Him, He just puts His arms around my heart and reassures me that it is not about performance. It is about loving Him…and I do love Him…so much more than I can ever express.

I cannot show my love for Him in the same ways that others can, but why should I? I am not them! I am His unique creation…made in His image and filled with His Spirit. So I show my love for Him in ways that are uniquely gifted to me. Sometimes…loving Him can simply mean that I honor Him by not giving up. I keep fighting. I keep trying to do the right thing…even when I fall upon my face time after time. I aim at taking good care of this body that He has given me.

Hm…I just took a break to fold some clothes before I wrap up this post. I am listening to some beautiful music being played on PBN. Suddenly, I realized something. Sometimes the music in our lives is loud and we are dancing and singing to it. Other times it is a steady stream in the background. We are not focused on it, but it is there nonetheless.

It is the same in my life with the Creator. Sometimes I am focused directly and intently upon Him. He and I are dancing and singing and openly communicating. But oftentimes, He is the spiritual background music of my life…the love that is always there…the presence that is always with me…even when I am not really focusing directly on Him.

I want to have Him more up front in my life. Yet I am also grateful that He is faithful to never leave me or abandon me…even when He is not the upfront focus…even when flashbacks seem more real…even when my brain is too foggy to focus on anything…even when I cannot read His word…even when confusion seems to be reigning.

He is good. He is love. He is my true Abba…and my L-rd. His Spirit lives with me. Because of Him…I can live each day moving forward…even when it does not feel as if I am moving forward.

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As I Lay Me Down to Sleep

June 29, 2010

As I Lay Me Down to Sleep

As I lay me down to sleep
flashbacks in the mind release.
Pushing forward, images come
as I fight to not come undone.
My body tenses; I cannot breathe,
overwhelmed by what I “see”.
Morphing one image into another,
with silent screams of “no” in my head,
I try to be open to history’s unveiling,
fighting the urge to let the mists return.
But slowly it slips away from me again.
And in the morning I awake
with a new reality like a distant dream.
Is anything ever what it seems?

June 28, 2010

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Flashbacks…

June 29, 2010

I have been reading a novel about a woman who loses her sight due to conversion disorder (which some would call “hysterical blindness”. The disorder basically covers any physical limitation that comes with no apparent physical cause…but typically following a traumatic event. The book tells of her witnessing an accident that killed her husband, young son and unborn child. Her young daughter survived.

As the images of the accident (for which she blames herself) keep intruding upon her mind she willfully pushes them away and her sight slowly starts to go, too. On some level, even she recognizes the connection. During the two-part novel, she willfully starts seeking her sight again two years later. She has now found a desire to see…a reason to want to see again…and she knows that one key to that is being willing to embrace the memories. So she opens herself to the flashbacks and, in spite of tremendous headaches and heartaches, wills herself to “look”.

On some level…I think what she was to dissociate the memory of the accident out of her mind. That is not exactly uncommon. Many people do not remember accidents they have been in…although, in this case, it was the witnessing of it…not the actual being in it.

It sounds a lot like dissociation to me. Only, in this case, physical blindness also comes. Can something physical like that come with dissociation? I know that when multiples switch there is often complete separation of the outside world to the one who “goes inside”. But that is different…isn’t it? This woman is not split…just dissociative of the memories. My curiosity is where the blindness comes in.

Flashbacks can include the physical sensations of the original event…even to the point of bruising, welts and even bleeding.  Some alters can be blind…or deaf. Is there a connection? I don’t know.

The reason I even bring this up is not because of the blindness…but because of the flashbacks. Flashbacks have been very minimal for me for quite a while. I suspect it is due to the living situation because there really is no “safe”, private place in which to process anything. That is something that is going to change most likely within the next month or two. Life could get really interesting when that happens…which can also be a bit unnerving to think about…so…I won’t.

I was almost finished with the novel when I went to bed the other night. As I lay there…one of the best times for visual flashbacks…I suddenly saw an infant’s toes. The whole infant was there, but my focus was on the toes. I won’t go into the rest of what I saw…but like that woman…I had to fight to “see”. There is this battle whenever visuals come up. Part of me wants to embrace them…to see the truth. Part of me wants to push them away…to leave the mists of amnesia in place.

It is not just the visuals…but the accompanying sense of horror at what I am seeing. Everything in me goes into battle mode…fighting to embrace…fighting to push back. The veil of amnesia is not so bad. Thing is…whatever is in there will eventually just keep pushing out. The next day I experienced emotional flashbacks…the kind I typically will have when I have flashbacks. No visual to explain it…just intense emotional pain.

This morning…I am seeing some visuals here and there. But…again…I am not in a situation where I can invite them to come. Someday…and I wonder what will happen then.

I wrote a poem about this. It will be in the next post.

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Another Day in the Neighborhood…

June 27, 2010

I was reading last night in the bathroom. I just wasn’t ready to go to bed. The book was fairly light reading…nothing heavy or majorly intense…although it did deal with spiritual warfare in an Amish community. When I was tired, I went to bed…figuring on having plenty of time to sleep.

When I laid down…I started to see baby toes on baby feet. It went from there to the feet and so on. Flashback time. So, I just laid there in bed dealing with it…no place to go. I was fighting a battle. On the one hand I was trying to force myself to be open to what I was seeing. On the other hand I wanted to push it all away.

Someday…all this stuff needs to be able to come out. Someday…I will need to get the privacy to allow it all to come out…and the fortitude. Someday…

I did finally get to sleep…but then I woke up early in the morning and never really got back to sleep. So now I sit here at 9:30 and I am tired! I have been tired…but unable to go to bed yet. When we move out of here my bedtime will no longer be contingent upon another person.  I am anticipating that SO much!

Regarding the flashbacks…I wonder…in the book I was reading this Amish woman witnessed an accident that took the lives of her husband, son and unborn child. She pushed it all away…resulting in hysterical blindness. In the book, she reaches the point where she wants to see again and realizes that one key to that is to allow the memories to come. I wonder if reading about that process that she was going through could have made me more open to having them?

On another note…we watched the Bourne Identity today.  I had never seen it. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be…and we watched the director’s cut with all the explosion scenes. Perhaps I had steeled myself against it. I don’t know.

Afterwards, though, I felt foggy and it was very difficult to think or function. Although I know others who have that kind of history…assassin training, etc. …I don’t. I relate to having amnesia…although not to the degree Jason Bourne has it. But then…my amnesia tends to be different from anyone else I have “met” so far. I have lost my sister. She is somewhere in this head of mine…but I don’t remember living with her for 10 years growing up. And other things are spotty, too.

After the movie…I just sort of talked to myself…reminding myself that this is NOT my story. NOT my history. There is absolutely NO indication that I have gone through anything like this. I have handled guns and fired them…it does not come naturally to me. No training.

Anyway…I am very tired. I couldn’t even bring myself to watermark more of my art. I need to get it all watermarked and exported before I send my PC in. Yeah…I am having PC issues.

Well…gonna wrap this up.

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Being Triggered and Shame

March 24, 2010

I hate being triggered, especially when I feel shamed. I have not really felt shamed for a long time, but I sure felt it tonight. Oh, it wasn’t intentional. I know it wasn’t…but that does not change the way I felt…or my struggle. I ended up flashing back right into the old pain…as if I’d never left. It raised all kinds of fears that I had to fight back down…but the biggest thing was the shame.

I felt as if all the old systems were back in place. It was like being in a double bind…lose/lose…no way to win. It sends me reeling and all sorts of other programming gets triggered right along with it. This makes two very significant triggerings within about a month. Unfortunately, I am not in a position to be able to discuss it with the one who did the triggering…not yet at least. It is really hard because I know he did not mean it. I know he loves me very much and would never want to hurt me.

Maybe I will come back to this. For now…I just wanted to get it out.

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My Sister

February 16, 2010

My sister had a brave heart. She was beautiful and childlike. She was a fighter who would not give up. She was trapped…caught in an unseen web that was too sticky for her to break free from. They had her where they wanted her.

My sister ran away from one cult family right into the arms of another…but she didn’t know. Neither of us did. At that time, we were both amnesic to our true history.

I wonder…did she ever figure it out before she died? Did she finally remember her childhood abuse…the younger years? Did she remember “everything”…or just the minor “stuff” she used as an excuse to run away?

My sister kept trying…in recovery and out of it. I remember her telling me how she had to fight with the recovery people to get her a counselor. She kept saying she needed one, but they did not want to give it to her…not even in those fancy, high class, expensive recovery places.

Was it because it was being paid for by his parents? After all…counseling might mean that she would remember something…something important…something damning…about them. Maybe she would finally wake up to the truth about her boyfriend and his parents…the family she lived with. Or…maybe she wanted a counselor because she already had an inkling of the truth? I will never know in this life.

This is the time of year that I especially think of my sister…as her birthday approaches in a couple of days. And I wonder about her death…and sometimes, I wonder if she even really died…or if they have her holed up somewhere. It didn’t look like her. And my father would not leave me alone with her. If he had…what would I have done? I don’t know. We weren’t supposed to touch the body…but I think I would have. It did NOT look like her. I had seen her within the last year.

My father said it did, but he had not seen her in years…so far as I know. But then…it is not exactly like I came from a truthful family. Ha! “Family”. What is THAT supposed to be? Not the caricature I grew up with.

It’s funny how everything seemed to be so good…on the outside looking in. All the memories I concocted about growing up seemed so OK…yet I was so not OK.  Stories my mother told me were woven through my mind with photos from the family albums. Childhood. Sure…that was my childhood…only…it wasn’t.

I remember the day I suddenly realized that it was all a lie…a fantasy. It has been so long now that I cannot remember if it was before or after I realized that I could not remember growing up with my sister. It is as if she did not exist…yet I know for fact she was there…in the same house with me.

So many things are buried in the mists of amnesia with a tiny flash of a snippet here and there that blazes through so fast that I can barely figure out what just went by. Yet…those flashes ARE there. And I do have the photographs. My sister was there. Some of the photos I took…yet, I can barely see anything beyond the photos themselves. Whatever I see is more like a surreal picture in my mind.

She died on my birthday. At least…I am told she died. I saw what was supposed to be her body…but it sometimes haunts me to this day. I know she was becoming “inconvenient”. I would not put it past them to agree behind closed doors while pretending to hate each other to me. Two families…warring for her body. It was sick. It was insane. It was my sister.

I will never get the chance to get to know her. Her living…except for the few times in the later years when I finally did meet up with her…is buried deep within. What I do remember makes me wonder if I really want to remember the rest. I don’t know. Maybe I should just create a life with her just like I created a life of my own? No…I want to honor her by remembering the truth…if I can.

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Stuffing Things and Flashbacks

September 6, 2008

I have been stuffing things inside for too long, too. Being very busy not only encourages that, but it also makes it harder to do. I know…that sounds contradictory. It takes a lot of energy to stuff. Busyness also takes a lot of energy.

So, busyness encourages stuffing because there is no time to deal with things. Yet, it also drains me to the point that it makes stuffing much more difficult. So, as soon as things let up…like at night…boy do I feel all the stuff that I have been trying to stuff surging up to the surface.

I have been “seeing” more in the sense of visual flashbacks. I have been starting to get hit with emotional pain a bit more…although not nearly to the degree I would expect. At night I find myself tending to feel more and more little. I have no real outlet for the little side of me. So, that side of me pushes it way out when it can.

Stuffing may keep me going for awhile…but I am not “going” very well. It is harder to think straight if I am stuffing. It is more difficult to function…even though I am not coming to a screeching halt. I find that I am fighting to keep from shutting down. There are times when I just want to sit and do nothing. I want to be alone…with my thoughts…and my feelings…and yes, with my flashbacks. I want to be able to process them and work through them and let them out. Alas, there is no time…but more importantly…there is no place.

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Processing – What Is Next?

August 23, 2008

This guy being gone is having an effect on me. I had told my therapist that I did not think I would really be able to totally process what happened until we moved away. Or at least until my friend no longer worked there. The last thing I expected was for this guy to no longer be there.

Now I find myself thinking of his office. I can see him sitting across from his desk…asking me questions and taking notes. I can hear him challenging me to tell him everything and not hold anything back…as if I was hiding something. I remember him telling me that “they” had been upfront and trusted me…which actually was a lie…and now I should trust them and tell them everything. What was I supposed to tell them? There was nothing to tell. There was nothing in my background, or in my present, that posed any kind of threat to the group.

He said that something had come up in my background check relating to a cult…but he did not tell me what. He was actually “fishing”, I realized later. Dummy me, I acknowledged it without first finding out for sure just what it was he heard. I had wondered if something would show up. Now…I don’t think it did. I think what he got was hearsay from someone else in the group that my friend had talked to. But there is no way to know for sure now.

He actually did not even have the complete background check back yet…which was a big no no on their part. They were not supposed to hire me without that coming back first. Another reason I think it came from within is because he kept asking me what employees I had told there about my background. He kept insisting I had talked to some of them.

Now, I find myself flashing on him and his office and the whole incident. I find the emotions coming up and I am rather weepy. Although, with several other things that have happened this week…maybe it is everything all rolled together. I don’t really know.

It is going to be interesting to see how this turns out…for the group…and for me, personally.

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Working Through Things and Parent’s Days

May 9, 2008

Sometimes it can be really hard to work through some things. It is like, no matter which way we turn, no matter how we look at it, it is going to be hard. There is going to be pain.

I had a flashback last night…totally unexpected…at least the timing of it was. The nature of the flashback was actually pretty predictable…given my family history. But no one likes to remember things that make them feel badly…or that might put them in a bad light. But that is the nature of the cult.

I am struggling a bit to allow the memories to flow freely. That is always a challenge. I know that I could not face the hidden memories without Yahweh’s help. Nope…just could not do it.

This coming weekend is Mother’s Day. I don’t like Mother’s Day. It is a painful day for many and, for others, it is a cop out. It is very commercialized. Ick!

For many, it is painful as they remember lost children, or children they never were able to have. Or as they remember painful childhoods. For some, their mothers were abusive. For some, their mothers died when they were very young. For others, they feel guilty because they know they were not the kind of mother they could have been…or should have been. Some are estranged from their children…through no fault of their own…and this is just a very painful reminder. And for some, it is the only time of year that they are really acknowledged…and this day just rubs in the hurt of that as they wonder how sincere their children are really being.

Some people use it as a cop out. They figure that they are doing OK so long as they at least remember to do something nice for Mom one day a year. If a mother is truly a good mother, she deserves more than one day a year. We should all be expressing our gratitude to good mothers a whole lot more often than one day a year. Don’t do something on one day because it is expected. Surprise her! And, if a mother is a horrible mother, then why should anyone feel pressured to do something nice for her?

*sigh* I don’t know. I just know that I don’t like this time of year. I don’t like Mother’s Day and I don’t like Father’s Day…same reasons.

Don’t get me wrong. There are many unsung heroes out there known as mothers and fathers. They do deserve to be honored and acknowledged and treated special…but it should be all year…not just on one day. And for those of us who are unable to have a real and loving relationship with our mothers (and fathers), well, we should not feel pressured to do something nice for them just because it is “Mother’s Day” or “Father’s Day”.

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Insurance Company Rant

March 12, 2008

Insurance companies! They tell you that you have plenty of coverage. But then they make your therapist check in with them so often just to get more visits authorized! And he does not get paid for that extra time. I am paying for the insurance, yet someone has to fight/go through hoops in order for me to use it!! ARGGG!!!!

With my background, single sessions are like putting bandaids on a gushing wound. I cannot just waltz in the door and take down all the walls I have up to contain the effects of the abuse so that I can function somewhat “normally” (whatever the heck THAT means) in life, go deep to get at the root issues and then slam those walls back into place so that I can go back out that door and do “life”…all in less than one hour!

It takes time to get those walls down…time to go deep…time to pull it all back together again to face life outside of that “safe” room. So, my t (therapist) asked my insurance company how to bill for some double sessions. Turns out you have to do a phone review (which he does not get paid for) to get them. Now, I can’t really fault them for that. They want to know what is up that I need this special consideration. I do understand that.

But then they only authorize enough sessions so that within about a month and half, he is having to ask for more sessions. What is up with that? It does not take a degree in anything to figure out that abuse that has run through childhood and into adulthood and marriage is not going to get “fixed” in a month and a half!! Duh!!!

Going to single sessions is like putting a bandaid on the issues. I don’t want bandaids! I want to do serious work! I do NOT want to be t (therapy) the rest of my life!! I want to work hard and move on!! You would think that is what my insurance company would want, too, right? Well, I doubt it. I think they just want to pay as little out as possible. And I can appreciate that, too. I really can.

However, having to constantly see the small number of visits approved and my t having to jump through hoops just to get those is DEPRESSING!! That only makes things worse…not better!! Are they wanting to help me or hinder me???

I talked to a Case Manager (CM) on the phone. She was wondering if I should consider medication. What for? I am not consistently depressed…although this insurance thing is contributing to some depression. I have something natural that works on an as needed basis. It makes no sense to get onto an antidepressant when I am not consistently depressed. In addition, there are times when you SHOULD feel depressed…or bummed out…or whatever. It is natural to feel that way sometimes!

Not only that, but the only antidepressant that I could find in the past that worked for me without having bad side effects, is no longer on the market! I am not going to risk my sanity and mental wellbeing to try more drugs…especially ones that can make me feel crazy and suicidal! Nope…that is counterproductive!

Then the CM asks me about intensive programs. I have a whole list of reasons for not doing one of those…starting with there are very few that really deal with the type of abuse I have gone through! Add to that no transportation, no gas money and the fact that I am responsible for the care of another person during the day. I already struggle to make copays…how much more of a copay would an intensive program be???

Plus, even if all that were in place…I have been betrayed already by two t’s who had the right experience. It is something to write about separately…but I will say that I have friends who think it is a miracle that I even go to a t now. I would be terrified to go to an intensive program and even more so if it was overnight.

I am not sure that it would really do that much good anyway. There are no quick fixes. Intensive programs, from what I have seen, are more for stabilization…or for when flashbacks become so intrusive that they make a person unsafe or unable to function. My flashbacks are annoying, but they do not make me unsafe. I do go through very short periods of having difficulty functioning, but not enough to warrant an intensive program…at least not at this point. And even if it were the case…would I be able to trust enough to go to one? That is a HUGE question for me!!

Right now I go to a t who has NO experience working with SRA clients. He has no real knowledge of programming. He cannot access me. I feel safe with him…and he is good and accepting and very open. He is just what I need right now. Plus, if he really gets stuck, he has my CA t to call for some wisdom. She has the experience and I trust her, having worked with her for several years before moving here.

It also does not help that I was retraumatized three times since moving here, twice by therapists! I am doing pretty darn good for all I have been through. I have been slammed and I refuse to give up! I keep fighting and pushing forward! I just want my insurance company to honor me in that fight and work WITH me, not AGAINST me!

Is that really too much to ask???

I don’t know.

Maybe it is. **sigh**

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Flashbacks

February 23, 2008

Need I say it? I HATE flashbacks.

I don’t mind triggers so much because they are clues to the past. But flashbacks for me are usually just deep intense emotional pain that hits hard…seemingly out of nowhere. Oftentimes, the only clue I have as to the source of the pain is whatever it was I was thinking about when it hit. And sometimes I don’t even have that. I just get hit with emotional pain that is so great that it takes everything in me to not double over as I try to hide it from those around me.

Last night was different. The flashbacks were more defined. I saw people and places and there was a distinctiveness in the emotions. Instead of being all jumbled into one huge pain…I could feel separate, distinct emotions. It was rather overwhelming.

Thankfully, I was in an online meeting and I had a pastor friend who helped me out. Gotta love those guys. They are so supportive, even when I feel like a basket case. 🙂 I wish I could find a way to deal with the flashbacks other than to just ride them out. They wash over me so strongly that I feel as if I am going to drown in the emotions.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I have had times of sitting in the presence of Yahweh when the emotions from that were also overwhelming. It is an incredible experience to sit with God; just as it is an incredible experience to sit in the past. I would rather stay in today. If I have to experience something so intense, I would prefer it be the intensity of being with Yahweh.

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