Archive for the ‘fragility’ Category

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My Place In This World & Coping with Social Situations!

April 6, 2010

I was reminded recently of a Michael W. Smith song called “My Place in This World”. That song has always touched my heart…for I have always struggled to feel as if I really fit in anywhere.

As a daughter of the Most High G-d, I am secure as to my place in my heavenly Abba/Father’s kingdom…of my place in the spiritual realm. Yet…even with that security, there are times when I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything that I even experience some doubts about that. Thankfully, I do regain my perspective and the doubts do pass.

When it comes to this world, though, to the people around me…I rarely feel as if I belong. I almost always feel out of place…as if I am on the outside looking in.

In The Cost of Reality, I share how I used to feel almost all the time. For a huge part of my life I rarely, ever felt comfortable or a real part of a group.  I hated going any place where there were a lot of people I did not know. I was almost panic-stricken the first day of school every year. I was that way with any new place or any new event.

Now I only feel the intensity of it if I get a particular program triggered. However, that does not mean that I feel comfortable around people and social events. I do…but I don’t. I have had to learn how to work my way around these kinds of things. Otherwise, I would be totally isolated.

One thing I do is try to get to events early. When I get there I try to connect with someone who is a part of the event and even offer to help in some way if I am up to it. If nothing else, I learn my way around and help to welcome others that come. By being one of the first ones there, I sort of make myself a part of what is going on. That does not solve it all, but it does make it a whole lot easier.

If I show up after a whole bunch of people are there…I feel lost. Unless I come with another person, or plan to meet another person there, I will typically feel very uncomfortable.  I will be uncertain where to sit…wondering if I am intruding upon some group of friends. I am very aware of cliques.  It seems like, in so many places, you have families and friends who have known one another for a long time. Where do I fit into that?

So…another thing I do is look for someone else who seems to be alone. The other person is usually grateful that I did and we end up having a rather enjoyable time together. I may never see that person again…but for those few hours we enjoyed one another’s company.  I have had many good laughs at tables where none of us women knew anyone else at the table.

I also try to smile a lot at people…just to see how they respond. They ones who light up at my smile, I keep an eye on. If it seems like they are open, I will walk up and talk to them…and find out if they are alone or not. That helps, too.

Sometimes, I just have to focus on what is going on and go through it. If programming is triggered, that is when it is the worst. I just have to accept that I am not in a frame of mind where I can truly trust anyone. I just need to smile, be pleasant and get through it.

Sometimes I experience an impending sense of doom that I cannot connect to any person or place or event. It is just a feeling I walk around with. That, too, makes it difficult in social situations. I keep wondering if I have somehow blown it…somehow said or done something wrong. I have learned that I just have to ride it out if I cannot find a legitimate reason for it.

So, I have all sorts of struggles with social settings…unless I am in the midst of giving it. Yet…I can speak and sing without too much difficulty. Or at least I once could. It has been a long time since I have done it. In fact, since I started realizing the truth about my history and my makeup I have not really pursued it. There is a difference between being up in front of a group and being down within the group. I had a therapist who was the same way. She could teach a class…no problem. But as a student…she was actually rather shy. It is a matter of being in my element.

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Fragility, PTSD and Stupidity

August 20, 2008

There are things that I really hate about me. Fragility is one of them. I hate feeling so breakable…so dang fragile. That is how I feel when I see an email coming in and my heart starts racing, wondering what I am going to face within it. I hate not wanting to read it.

I hate feeling like I must read it…when I am fearful of what I might find in the words. It is hard to walk around with questions. It is hard to walk away, wondering what positive thing I might have missed because I was fearful of seeing something negative. So my mind and heart start tossing the possibilities around and my body starts to shake. I hate that my PTSD can sometimes get stirred up so easily. It makes it so much harder to deal with anything.

I am so tired of feeling like I am finally getting things calmed down inside…settled and stabilized…and all it takes is an email notification to set everything off again. It makes me want to block emails. Yet, I cannot really do that, either. I am, forever, the optimist…always hoping that things will work out. Maybe I am just plain stupid? I don’t know. Is it dumb to keep hoping? and praying? Am I a glutton for punishment? Maybe I am masochistic? I don’t know.

My thoughts and feelings whirl around inside. Wondering. Hoping. Fearful. Everything gets all stirred up. Will there be a blast of anger? Will there be an olive branch? Will there be more tearful hurts expressed? Will there be some sort of understanding? Will it look as if it is a response to something I did not write, do not believe, etc.? Will what is written lift me up? Or slam me to the ground? Do I take a chance on reading it? Do I take a chance on not reading it?

I hate being stuck between two hard places. I hate having to decide whether to read or not. I hate facing another possible misunderstanding that I know I just cannot fix. I give up. If that makes me weak…OK. If that makes me a quitter and a runner…OK. I can live with that. Even if it makes me a b***ch…I can live with that. What I am only matters in God’s heart. Right now, I just want the shaking to stop…and I don’t want to med up.

I cannot fix things. No matter how hard I try…there are some things I just cannot fix…and I just cannot emotionally handle persisting. I have to walk away…for everyone’s good. I don’t want to inflict more pain on top of what I am told I have already inflicted. I would rather run the other way and leave us all to run to Him and let Him sort things out.

I just cannot keep trying.
I am broken.
I am fragile.
I am at a loss.
No blame.
No games.
Just reality.
My reality.
I just want peace…even if that peace means separation.

I am learning that some things just may not be worth fighting for.
Sometimes…the cost is just too dang high.
*sigh*

Abba, please take this shaking away. I just don’t know how much more my body and emotions can handle. I give it to You…the only One who can fix some things. Please forgive me for trying to fix it myself. Forgive my stupidity and my audacity. Forgive me for going where even angels may wisely fear to tread. Forgive me for thinking that I could somehow set things right. Forgive me for my mistaken sense of duty…and for my mistaking it for loyalty and love. Forgive me for hurting others in the process of acting out of my own apparently misguided sense of what it means to be friends. Forgive me for presuming to think that I know what real friendship is…and real sisterhood. I need You to teach me the truth about all of those things. Please take my tears and use them to water something good. Please make something good grow.

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