Archive for the ‘generational’ Category


My Sister

February 16, 2010

My sister had a brave heart. She was beautiful and childlike. She was a fighter who would not give up. She was trapped…caught in an unseen web that was too sticky for her to break free from. They had her where they wanted her.

My sister ran away from one cult family right into the arms of another…but she didn’t know. Neither of us did. At that time, we were both amnesic to our true history.

I wonder…did she ever figure it out before she died? Did she finally remember her childhood abuse…the younger years? Did she remember “everything”…or just the minor “stuff” she used as an excuse to run away?

My sister kept trying…in recovery and out of it. I remember her telling me how she had to fight with the recovery people to get her a counselor. She kept saying she needed one, but they did not want to give it to her…not even in those fancy, high class, expensive recovery places.

Was it because it was being paid for by his parents? After all…counseling might mean that she would remember something…something important…something damning…about them. Maybe she would finally wake up to the truth about her boyfriend and his parents…the family she lived with. Or…maybe she wanted a counselor because she already had an inkling of the truth? I will never know in this life.

This is the time of year that I especially think of my sister…as her birthday approaches in a couple of days. And I wonder about her death…and sometimes, I wonder if she even really died…or if they have her holed up somewhere. It didn’t look like her. And my father would not leave me alone with her. If he had…what would I have done? I don’t know. We weren’t supposed to touch the body…but I think I would have. It did NOT look like her. I had seen her within the last year.

My father said it did, but he had not seen her in years…so far as I know. But then…it is not exactly like I came from a truthful family. Ha! “Family”. What is THAT supposed to be? Not the caricature I grew up with.

It’s funny how everything seemed to be so good…on the outside looking in. All the memories I concocted about growing up seemed so OK…yet I was so not OK.  Stories my mother told me were woven through my mind with photos from the family albums. Childhood. Sure…that was my childhood…only…it wasn’t.

I remember the day I suddenly realized that it was all a lie…a fantasy. It has been so long now that I cannot remember if it was before or after I realized that I could not remember growing up with my sister. It is as if she did not exist…yet I know for fact she was there…in the same house with me.

So many things are buried in the mists of amnesia with a tiny flash of a snippet here and there that blazes through so fast that I can barely figure out what just went by. Yet…those flashes ARE there. And I do have the photographs. My sister was there. Some of the photos I took…yet, I can barely see anything beyond the photos themselves. Whatever I see is more like a surreal picture in my mind.

She died on my birthday. At least…I am told she died. I saw what was supposed to be her body…but it sometimes haunts me to this day. I know she was becoming “inconvenient”. I would not put it past them to agree behind closed doors while pretending to hate each other to me. Two families…warring for her body. It was sick. It was insane. It was my sister.

I will never get the chance to get to know her. Her living…except for the few times in the later years when I finally did meet up with her…is buried deep within. What I do remember makes me wonder if I really want to remember the rest. I don’t know. Maybe I should just create a life with her just like I created a life of my own? No…I want to honor her by remembering the truth…if I can.


Being Open About Myself

March 6, 2008

I don’t sign my name on my posts. There is a reason for that. Who I am is not as important as the message I bring. There was a time when I did not let anyone know who I really was…even on survivor forums…for safety reasons. As I share more of my history, it will become more clear as to why that has been a concern.

But lately, things have been changing for me…inside. I believe Yahweh is calling me to be more open. That is one reason I started this public blog. Yet, I do not put it on the blogger list. You will not find it in a google search; but I do appreciate anyone who puts the link on their page. There are ways to get here, obviously, since you are reading this! **smile** Whoever is supposed to read this blog…will! **GRIN**

I realize that the more open I am about my history and my life thoughts, the greater the likelihood that someone who knows me may suddenly think “Oh my gosh…I think I recognize who this is! Why I even talk to her and see her in person!” Or, “Wow! I recognize her writing. I know her from a forum!” Of course, I have invited a lot of my forum friends to come and read anyway, so they DO have an idea of who I am.

This blog is not really about who I am, though, but more about what Yahweh/God has done in my life. I would not be alive today. I would not be functioning even as well as I do…if it were not for Him. He has protected me in ways that are just amazing to me. I have survived generational cult abuse. And yes, I realize that the more I share, the more there is a likelihood that someone who is active in the cult might figure out who I am. But I figure, the group already knows where I am anyway. I have tangled with cult active therapists, both online and offline. It was very hard to deal with…but you know what? I am STILL standing!!!

Yahweh is my God. He is my protector. He is bigger than they ever could hope be. I will obey Him and write here and trust Him to take care of me and of those I love. Nothing happens by accident. I will trust Him to walk me through whatever comes down the road.

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