Archive for the ‘heart hurts’ Category

h1

More on grieving…

February 26, 2021

It’s been a rough month. I have been reminded of my sister a lot. As I wrote in my previous post, when do we survivors get to grieve?

When you are in survival mode, you don’t have the luxury of taking time to grieve. Your main focus is on staying safe and, in my case, keeping my child safe. Who has time to grieve? Who has the energy to grieve?

But life, eventually, brings those reminders and our minds and hearts are satisfied we are in a safe enough place to start grieving. Those reminders could be anything. For me, it not even things that necessarily pertain to her.

I have a lot of years of not being able to fully grieve a lot of losses. When those losses came, I was usually having to scramble to deal with the results of the losses. And when it seems as if life just keeps hitting with one thing after another, those things I need to grieve just pile up.

So, now I am wondering. Is this the time to start to let that wall come down? Am I ready for the flood of emotions? Do I even have a choice?

I have to trust Creator in all of this. I know He knows best what needs to happen in my life. He knows best when I am ready to deal with the buried grief, whether I “feel” ready or not. I have seen Him work in so many ways over the years. I trust Him to not allow me to collapse or implode. He is always good, even when I am not. He is my Rock to stand on. He is my Tower to run into for shelter from the storm.

I will–I must–continue to trust Him. My life, my stability, my emotional and mental health, everything depends on it.

h1

Cruelty and Healthy Boundaries…

September 17, 2010

What my mother has done is cruel. I keep trying to empathize and to understand her pain. But not matter how much I empathize…no matter how much I forgive…it still hurts like hell. I am the unwanted daughter. I did not step up to the plate. I did not take over. I stepped out of line. I left. I have no desire to be a princess other than in the One True Creator God’s kingdom.

I will never live up to her expectations. Her expectations (and his) lead to death. I have chosen a different path. If they do not want me…they can forget my son. I was actually willing to let them talk to him on the phone, but if they don’t want me…forget it. That is not being selfish…it is being real. It is not being vindictive…it is setting boundaries…healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are not OK in the cult. My whole life I had no boundaries. I did not know where I ended and other people began. I was trained to be a chameleon…to anticipate others needs/wants. Those in the cult who knew the trigger words and actions could get anything they wanted. NO MORE!!

I was accessed by a “Christian” therapist after we moved here. He had experience with cult clients. Little did I know that he was not only cult himself…but that we had met many years ago. It ends here…and now! I will not kowtow to my parents. I will not kowtow to anyone but my Lord…and He does not ask me to. He lifts my head to look into His eyes so that I can see His healing love.

I hurt. I am angry. I do not deserve to be treated this way. Even IF I had been the worst daughter on the planet…rather than simply and imperfect one…I do not deserve this. I have reached out via email for a year and a half. It has gone nowhere. I tried. My conscience is clear. I have done what I can. It is their loss. They can blame me all they want…but they have a part in this. I am an adult. I will not submit to them or to their control. I will not go back to the way things were.

So I will continue to mourn what was and I will mourn what never was. I will mourn the dream of having a somewhat regular family. I will keep my heart open until there is nothing left…and at that point…I will mourn for what will never be. I have dreams. I have always had dreams. Many of them are just broken dreams…turning to dust beneath my feet. Oh, well.

I have survived. I will survive. Nay…I will thrive! In spite of how hard my life is right now…I have more freedom than I ever did living under their control. The Creator has given me the gift of who I am…all of me. I am His…and no one else’s…no one’s.

I hope we can make peace before she dies…same with him. But if it does not happen…I refuse to beat myself up with guilt that is not mine.

h1

A Phone Call and Uncertainty

August 10, 2008

I got a call from someone yesterday. I’m still figuring out how I feel about it. It was one of those calls that I had kind of hoped would eventually come…and yet, at the same time, was not sure if I really wanted. I guess I should explain.

I had a friend pull away from me a while back. It hurt. After getting hit with several things from some that I had considered friends, it felt like a really low blow. This was a friend that I had defended when she was being disparaged.

I believe that true friends can be open and honest with one another. That is what I tried to do, however imperfectly. I do not believe in deceitfulness or hiding or backstabbing. When I acted upon that belief, I was pulled away from. I was also told by someone else that I had hurt her, along with three others. I don’t rightly know if I hurt her or not. I do know that I apologized for hurting her and she said she forgave me. (Why two of the three would be hurt, I have no idea, as it really did not involve them directly. The third one…well, she is the one who was doing the disparaging and ducking around talking about it.)

We talked openly when she called. She told me that her pulling away had nothing to do with me, that it was all her. She had needed to pull away and try to sort through some things…my wording. She asked if she had hurt me. With her encouragement, I admitted that she had. I told her how I felt that I had been slammed for being loyal and having integrity.

She asked about the possibility of our trying to take baby steps to restore the friendship. I told her that I am very open to that…but I also told her that, as a result of several things that also happened right before she pulled away, that my walls are high and my trust level is low.

I guess I am wondering, too, about something else. I can appreciate that someone can need space for awhile. However, how am I going to know if she is going to pull away again? I guess it is a risk. But then, aren’t there always risks in friendships? How much is a friend worth?

I am known for my loyalty to friends. I have welcomed back friends who have hurt me deeply. A lot of that has to do with the motivations behind the hurts. There is a big difference between being hurt by someone who was deceived and who believed lies about me versus someone who is just plain malicious or mean. I have forgiven much, especially when I believed I saw true sorrow in the person who had hurt me.

There are some, though, who I would only offer forgiveness to. Trusting them again is a totally different matter. There is a line that a person can cross that would cause it to be impossible to earn my complete trust…outside of Yahweh really showing me that I should give it to them. This person does not fit into that category.

I am willing to receive phone calls and emails. I am willing to try and be as open as I can. That is all that I can do at this point. I am tired of complicated relationships. I can only handle so many of them at a time. I will give my energies to those who are willing to be open and honest and stick it out without running, ducking or dodging. I guess that pretty much eliminates the possibilities of some people becoming friends with me again…not unless one of us changes.

I guess only time will tell in this friendship. Yes, I still consider it to be a friendship. I am just not sure what state it is in, exactly. It was in a state of distance. Maybe, now, we can draw closer again. How close? I have no idea. As I told her…my walls are up and my trust level is low. However, the fact that I could openly tell her that and she could receive it is, I think, a very good sign. There are no real expectations on either side. What will be will be. I am guarding my heart.

I guess we are sort of starting over…and that is not a bad place to be.

h1

Disappointments & Perspective

August 9, 2008

Sometimes it just feels like life dumps on you. Disappointments pile up. Lost dreams. Betrayals. Hurts. Sickness. Lost jobs. Lost friends. Feelings of abandonment. It can be really hard to keep a right perspective about things.

I guess one of those right perspectives is that everyone goes through stuff. There is nothing that I can experience that someone else…in fact many someone elses…have not also gone through. Sometimes it seems like there is an inequality about how much stuff gets dumped on us. It seems like some people get a whole lot more than others. But is that really true? I don’t know.

I do know that there can be many things that we don’t see on the outside. There can be many pains and hurts and burdens that only the person going through it really knows about.

I seriously doubt that there is anyone who has not felt the sting of being hurt by a friend…or who has not been disappointed by a family member. Who has never lost a job? Or never gotten sick? There are some who have never felt the sting of the death of a loved one…but I daresay that most of us have, especially if we are “older”. Some, sadly, have experienced that at a very young age.

I need to keep my trials in perspective. I am not being beaten…currently. I am fairly healthy…as in I have no life threatening or serious persistent health problems. I am not starving…I have food to eat. I have shelter…I am not living in a cardboard box or under an overpass…or in a refugee camp. I am not being tortured or raped for my spiritual beliefs. Hmmm…maybe I don’t have it so bad after all?

There are hurts in life. Everyone has them. I must learn to work through them and move on. I don’t know if that is more of a challenge than it is for most folks because of what I have gone through as a survivor…or not. I guess we can all struggle with letting go of things.

I know that, for me, I am challenged right now to work through something. It is one of those situations where I don’t know if I can fully delve into the deep emotions connected with this until I move away from the whole place where it happened. Right now, I have to stay connected to that place and I think it is making it harder for me to work through it.

However, I won’t give up trying. I need to work through the anger. Those deep emotions keep getting triggered inside…bringing tears to the surface. I need to work through this so that a root of bitterness does not grow. I don’t want to hate…yet I feel the anger pushing to the surface and I find myself tempted to say “I hate”. I really don’t want to go there. I want my heart to be free…not locked in a prison of hatred and bitterness.

Nope…I don’t want to go there. I must find a way to work through…and truly forgive.

h1

A Time of Hurting

July 12, 2008

Today is a time of hurting. There are things I am thinking about…but I don’t think that is what is causing the pain. I think it is just the flashbacks…again. Pain upon pain just wells up inside of me. My “heart” hurts. I am in emotional pain.

%d bloggers like this: