This blog has a different login from my other ones. It’s like I want to keep my survivor world separate from the rest of my life. But I can’t. Not really. There is always bleed over.
So, why do I keep them separate? Part of it is that there is so much deception in the world and people do not want to believe the kinds of things I have experienced are real. No way do these kinds of things happen. But, yes way. They do. And many are the walking wounded. And the ones who know it is true are often the perpetrators and unsafe people.
Deception, deception. I see the plan playing out in the world today. We are headed to the epic battle between good and evil. Will it happen in our decade? I don’t know. Maybe we will get a reprieve. In the ultimate end… they will lose and evil will be vanquished from the universe.
I just know that watching all that is going on (via real news) with the awareness I have, as well as what I know from my history, is sometimes a bit triggering.
I have worked very hard on shoving that part of my life to the side… of moving on and not really giving it much thought. I even managed to make it through several Octobers without thinking about what really goes on. Oh, I thought about it on a surface level, but not in my gut. I thought about the evil in general, but not the details of the deeds… until last year.
The decorations just get sicker and more depraved each year. And I mourn inside that people could find pleasure in such things. When I described to my therapist the one that set me off so badly last year, she couldn’t believe ANYone would even begin to think that kind of decoration was appropriate.
But see, people don’t believe it is real. We have become so desensitized by the movies and programs and music we watch that it all has a surreal quality. Instead of being sickened by what we see and watch, we shrug it off. Well, many do. There are a lot of us out there who don’t. We can’t because we know the truth. We know it in our psyches and in our bodies. We bear the wounds in our minds and hearts and some of us even bear the physical scars.
I remember getting body memories that caused me to double up in pain. To this day, I don’t remember the original event. It is still buried somewhere in the amnesia. It is as if my own mind is deceiving me by hiding the source… by leaving me with partial amnesia.
But isn’t that what memory suppression is? Isn’t that what splitting is? It is hiding the ugly in an attempt to deceive our conscious selves that all is really OK when it sure the heck is not! So much is about deception. Layer upon layer of deception.
The rituals. The sacrifices. The trafficking. The photos and the filming. The babies. The children. The animals. All used in so many sick and demeaning ways. But some of it was deceptive… sets with actors and effects. Which was real and which was not? To the child… it was ALL real. It did not matter if he/she killed a real baby or if it was staged and fake. To the child, it was real and so was the trauma. What we experienced was real, even if the cause was faked in some instances. And, in oh so many instances, they were definitely not faked. Evidence has been found to show otherwise, especially from the wannabe’s.
Deception. The biggest tool of our spiritual adversary who controls all the pawns at the top who think they are going to win. Ha! They are just being used and are just as deceived as the ones they deceive. And maybe even more so for they believe they know the truth, but they don’t. They are living a lie. The very deceivers themselves are deceived!
And yet, in spite of all I have experienced and all I have been through, I cannot and I do wish evil on anyone. I wish them to be set from their bondage to evil and to the evil one. I wish them to know the very real freedom and joy of serving the One True God. I wish they would know His love and the touch of His Spirit. I wish they would know His peace.
I refuse to allow evil to win in my life. I am moving forward and taking a leap of faith, trusting God is leading me. I am going to be fairly transparent with some people I hope to work with. I could lose everything or I could gain a huge gift. Which will it be? Only God knows. But I think it will be the latter and that I am moving according to His leading. If I am wrong, I will still lean on Him, my Deliverer who has set me free from so many things.
I feel as if I have to be a bit deceptive because I cannot be transparent with just anyone about my real history. I have to keep it partially hidden from the world just as it is partially hidden from me in the veil of remaining amnesia. I have often wished I could share like they do in the conferences (which I do not attend). But that is not me. I will settle for this blog and for some one on one in person sharing.
Deception. So much is wrapped around and wound up in deception. Other than what I have to hide to stay “safe”, I hate deception. I hate hiding. But if I can be at least somewhat open with just two or three, well… that is a huge gift.
I believe this jpg from another site sums it up well. I would add not to waste it on the dangerous. Be wise.
Everyone wears masks. It is called “propriety” and “a proper time and place”. It is not appropriate…nor is it safe or healthy…to share everything about ourselves with everyone else, anywhere and anytime.
Yet, we all do need someone and some time in which we can share the deeper things of our hearts. We need a safe place to land when we are struggling…someone with whom we can take the masks off. We need someone who will accept us and cheer us on in the struggles of life.
It is not that we need to share and reveal everything about ourselves to a single person. That could overwhelm them…especially if we are extreme abuse survivors. But we do all need someone safe with whom we can share the things that are most on our hearts, the things we most struggle with, our challenges, our joys, our fears, our growth, our victories, the things we have overcome, the positive steps taken, the stumbling we have done. We need someone who will not judge and who will love us as we are and cheer us on in our healing journey.
Sometimes, we cannot share our growth or our victories because it would mean sharing what we needed to have victory over…or sharing what we grew out of. It would mean sharing the darker sides of ourselves. We all have one…a darker side…the part of us we don’t really want anyone to know about. And yet, don’t we all wish that we had someone with whom we could share that darker side who would accept us and even love us anyway?
Not everyone is safe to share with. We must be cautious. We must take care to feel a person out…to not overwhelm them. We also have to recognize that sharing can kick off the old “don’t share” programming. We need to be safe when we share…prepared for the potential aftermath, especially if the one we are sharing with isn’t aware of the possible ramifications sharing can bring.
In all of this…there is a question I ask myself. While I long for someone with whom I can take my masks off…am I willing to be that someone for another person? Am I…can I…be safe to share with? Will I accept and love without judgment? Will I hold close to my heart what is shared with me…never sharing it with anyone else without permission? Am I willing to be for others what I need others to be for me?
I am not going to pretend that I am not struggling…because I am. I spent a HUGE part of my life pretending.
Pretending I was not effected.
Pretending I was not hurt.
Pretending I was not confused.
Pretending I was not angry.
Pretending I was happy.
Pretending I wanted to live.
Pretending I was OK.
Pretending I did not think I was losing my mind.
Some might call it “hiding”.
Hiding my true feelings.
Hiding what I was going through.
Hiding my hurt and pain.
Hiding my anguish.
Hiding my humiliation.
Hiding my fear and lack of confidence.
Pretending…or hiding. Does it really matter what you call it? I just refuse to play the game any more. However…having said that…I am also not going to check my brain at the door. I am smart. A stupid person would not have survived all of this. While I refuse to play the game…I also refuse to expose myself unnecessarily. Some risks are worth taking…and some are not.
Right now…I need help. I cannot get it in the standard survivor places. For whatever reason, the Ship keeps timing me out. Sometimes I can get on just fine…and stay on. Most of the time, however, I cannot get on or I get kicked off fairly soon after getting on. That makes it impossible for me to use the Ship much for getting or giving support.
I have no therapist. I don’t really have any 3D people who support me fully. I have some who care and who support as they can…but they don’t know the “whole” story…and so are only partially useful.
When I think of 3D support…there is a couple who have started coming to mind…a pastor and his wife. It is interesting because, when I first met them, I had a “feeling” I should talk to them. However, at the time, nothing fell into place for that. There was an uncomfortableness…something was in the way. Since then, I have gotten to know them in a different venue. Over time, we have really connected…something that really took off when I listened to the L-rd and went and prayed for them and talked with them after they had gone through something.
Now…as I am getting desperate for some kind of 3D support, they keep coming to mind. Is G-d telling me that I can trust them? That I can be more open with them and they will at least accept it…even if they don’t understand it? I don’t know. I am not rushing into anything. I am going to keep on praying about it.
My pastor knows my Dx, but there are reasons that he and I just will not work out. Plus…with this guy…I am well connected to his wife. That is even better. There is also another pastor who knows my background, but not my Dx. He is really nice…and very caring…but I am just not prepared at this point to open up further with him, either.
So…what will I do with this? I really don’t know…other than keep praying about it. Desperation always passes eventually…but it is awful while in the midst of it. I just know that I need help…I need support…and they keep coming to mind. It would be so nice to have at least one couple that I could be more open with.
There was another couple that I felt pretty comfortable with. Thing is…he has a rather strong personality. I saw him get miffed about something and he scared me. No…he is not scary and he did nothing wrong. Every person has a right to get angry. But something happened inside that I now have to work through. That makes me kind of sad. He is a really neat guy and was OK for quick hugging…in front of his wife, of course. I really like her and connect with her, but their schedule makes it difficult to get together with them. And if we don’t get together…it is kind of difficult to work through the issue of his becoming scary to me.
So no…I am not doing the greatest. I have been worse, but I have also been a lot better. I won’t pretend that I am not having some rough days. I will keep looking to my Creator. He is the only One who can get me through this. Yeshua will never leave me or forsake me. The Ruach makes me strong.
I feel like saying something. I feel like wagging a finger in someone’s face. I feel like getting a bit loud. I feel like yelling. I feel like…what??? I don’t know. I don’t do anger very well. I try to be very understanding, very forgiving. I try to let go of my wants for the sake of others. We give…for their sakes…but they don’t even have a clue how much we give. And for one of them…that is OK. But the other. I need some acknowledgment. When you work so hard to present as “normal”…whatever the heck that is…it is so easy for the other one to forget who you really are…what you really are…who ALL you really are. It has been building up for some time.
So…what, exactly, DO you do with anger? With frustration? With an inability to get to what you feel you need? An inability to do what you feel you need to do? To process all the stuff you have had to put on hold for the last few years. Talk about healing interrupted! I know it is not totally interrupted, but in so many ways it HAS been.
I have grown in the sense that I have actually been holding it together through all of this. Well…I believe it is my Abba who has really been holding me together. Many times I have reached the end of my proverbial rope and it is my Abba who has kept me going…who is holding me together.
I am human. I have feelings…sometimes very conflicting feelings…depending upon the who and the what. Again…something that tends to be forgotten by the very one I most need to remember that. I am OK…but that does not mean that I do not have those feelings to battle at times. He does, too, and even from some of the same things. We each have our stuff. And then…I have stuff for more than one.
I think it is time to remind someone. I am praying about the how and the when. Do I write it? Do I speak it? And then there is who should write it or speak it? What “voice” do I use? What will be best heard? Best received? I am not talking about manipulation here…I am talking about practicality. Know your audience. Speak accordingly.
Is it hopeless? Sometimes it feels like it is. Some times…it feels as if things will never change. It feels as if I will always have to hide a lot of myself. I have to accept that life might just be that way. Can I do that? Can I trust enough for that?
Our living situation is going to change…most likely during this summer/fall…maybe sooner. That will bring a lot of challenges of its own…while also opening up some things for me. How will I handle that? I don’t know yet. I am trying to get prepared for both change…and for no change. I really hope that I do not have to face no change.
We had a blow up at our home this morning. It was nobody’s fault and both of our faults. It was scary for me…as major disagreements typically are. Thankfully, we don’t have them very often. In fact, you could almost say they are rare, even with the increase due to our living situation. It is pretty amazing…truly a G-d thing.
BUT…back to this morning. Even though I KNOW that he is totally committed and would never leave…the fear hits when he walks out the door. Is he going outside to work on something? Or is he going to leave? Mind you…he has never left…but the fear still comes up.
I prayed a lot this morning…for wisdom…to be changed…to understand…for us. The whole thing felt overwhelming and I felt helpless…and maybe even a bit of hopelessness started to creep in there, too. The good thing is that we were able to have a good talk later. We have very little privacy which means that we cannot typically get things out in a timely manner. So things build up. That does not help.
Hopefully, our living situation will change within the next few months…at least before the next winter. That will help a LOT…but it won’t solve everything. It will give us privacy to talk. Privacy for me to work more on my healing. Privacy for us to work more on being a husband and wife. (That brings up a lot of mixed emotions…but more about that in another post.) It will be easier on our son, too…and just all the way around.
Everyone who knows our situation has told me that there is NO way they could have done it. Well…we can’t, either. As I said…it is a G-d thing. It is only with the grace and mercy of Yahweh who gets us through that we are able to do it.
Anyway…I was able to share how I had been triggered in a huge way yesterday. He knew about the previous one, but not this one. It is good that he knows…that he is able to understand…at least somewhat. The fact that I could even talk about it so soon is a miracle. I guess it shows that I am farther along than I thought.
I am definitely better today. It is good that I was able to explain how and why I got triggered and why it is next to impossible to talk about when it happens. It is really difficult to share when I feel as if I am in a lose/lose…not that he makes it so…but that is how I hear it…how I experience it.
So many times, he can say something and I hear it totally differently than he meant it. And that goes both ways. Although he is not a ritual abuse survivor…he does have his own stuff. His father was abusive and his parents eventually divorced. My parents stayed together and both were perpetrators. So much for family stability!
Triggers can happen in so many ways…like the way I start to feel like a small child when I get really sick or if I am physically hurt. I am there. I don’t lose continuity, but I am emotionally oftentimes like a child who is struggling to behave like an adult. Which brings me to another part of our living situation. I have to hide that I am triggered. There is no safe place to just emote and let it out. So I struggle not only with being triggered, but also with feeling like I have to hide it. This, too, we talked about this morning. It does not change anything…but it is good to at least talk about it.
I hate being treated like a criminal…like I’ve done something wrong, when I have not.
I hate it when someone starts asking questions and fishing instead of just coming out and sharing what they know and giving me a chance to respond to it.
I hate it when someone says that I told someone else something about myself, but they won’t tell me who I supposedly said it to or exactly what was said, so that I can have some sort of context and be able to clear it up.
I hate being treated as if I am hiding something when I am not…or as if I am being dishonest, when I am not.
I hate it when people get on power trips and treat others like they are insignificant and unimportant. We are ALL important in Yahweh/God’s eyes…and should be to each other.
I hate being pitied.
I hate being looked down on.
I hate being considered “less than”.
I hate it when someone behaves like a jerk.
I hate it when, instead of having a dialog, I am interrogated…with many obvious tactics.
I hate being treated like dirt.
I hated being raped and used.
I hated being treated like an object.
I hated being forced into doing things I did not want to do.
I have not had the time to check out every single page on each site. However, what I have checked out seems to be pretty good. Always read with a discerning heart. Ask the One True God to show you what is from Him and what is not.
A Survivor's Thoughts on Life 