Archive for the ‘hindrances’ Category

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What Do You Do With Anger?

April 19, 2010

I feel like saying something. I feel like wagging a finger in someone’s face. I feel like getting a bit loud. I feel like yelling. I feel like…what??? I don’t know. I don’t do anger very well. I try to be very understanding, very forgiving. I try to let go of my wants for the sake of others. We give…for their sakes…but they don’t even have a clue how much we give. And for one of them…that is OK. But the other. I need some acknowledgment. When you work so hard to present as “normal”…whatever the heck that is…it is so easy for the other one to forget who you really are…what you really are…who ALL you really are. It has been building up for some time.

So…what, exactly, DO you do with anger? With frustration? With an inability to get to what you feel you need? An inability to do what you feel you need to do? To process all the stuff you have had to put on hold for the last few years. Talk about healing interrupted! I know it is not totally interrupted, but in so many ways it HAS been.

I have grown in the sense that I have actually been holding it together through all of this. Well…I believe it is my Abba who has really been holding me together. Many times I have reached the end of my proverbial rope and it is my Abba who has kept me going…who is holding me together.

I am human. I have feelings…sometimes very conflicting feelings…depending upon the who and the what. Again…something that tends to be forgotten by the very one I most need to remember that. I am OK…but that does not mean that I do not have those feelings to battle at times. He does, too, and even from some of the same things. We each have our stuff. And then…I have stuff for more than one.

I think it is time to remind someone. I am praying about the how and the when. Do I write it?  Do I speak it? And then there is who should write it or speak it? What “voice” do I use? What will be best heard? Best received? I am not talking about manipulation here…I am talking about practicality. Know your audience. Speak accordingly.

Is it hopeless? Sometimes it feels like it is. Some times…it feels as if things will never change.  It feels as if I will always have to hide a lot of myself. I have to accept that life might just be that way. Can I do that? Can I trust enough for that?

Our living situation is going to change…most likely during this summer/fall…maybe sooner. That will bring a lot of challenges of its own…while also opening up some things for me. How will I handle that? I don’t know yet. I am trying to get prepared for both change…and for no change. I really hope that I do not have to face no change.

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My Place In This World & Coping with Social Situations!

April 6, 2010

I was reminded recently of a Michael W. Smith song called “My Place in This World”. That song has always touched my heart…for I have always struggled to feel as if I really fit in anywhere.

As a daughter of the Most High G-d, I am secure as to my place in my heavenly Abba/Father’s kingdom…of my place in the spiritual realm. Yet…even with that security, there are times when I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything that I even experience some doubts about that. Thankfully, I do regain my perspective and the doubts do pass.

When it comes to this world, though, to the people around me…I rarely feel as if I belong. I almost always feel out of place…as if I am on the outside looking in.

In The Cost of Reality, I share how I used to feel almost all the time. For a huge part of my life I rarely, ever felt comfortable or a real part of a group.  I hated going any place where there were a lot of people I did not know. I was almost panic-stricken the first day of school every year. I was that way with any new place or any new event.

Now I only feel the intensity of it if I get a particular program triggered. However, that does not mean that I feel comfortable around people and social events. I do…but I don’t. I have had to learn how to work my way around these kinds of things. Otherwise, I would be totally isolated.

One thing I do is try to get to events early. When I get there I try to connect with someone who is a part of the event and even offer to help in some way if I am up to it. If nothing else, I learn my way around and help to welcome others that come. By being one of the first ones there, I sort of make myself a part of what is going on. That does not solve it all, but it does make it a whole lot easier.

If I show up after a whole bunch of people are there…I feel lost. Unless I come with another person, or plan to meet another person there, I will typically feel very uncomfortable.  I will be uncertain where to sit…wondering if I am intruding upon some group of friends. I am very aware of cliques.  It seems like, in so many places, you have families and friends who have known one another for a long time. Where do I fit into that?

So…another thing I do is look for someone else who seems to be alone. The other person is usually grateful that I did and we end up having a rather enjoyable time together. I may never see that person again…but for those few hours we enjoyed one another’s company.  I have had many good laughs at tables where none of us women knew anyone else at the table.

I also try to smile a lot at people…just to see how they respond. They ones who light up at my smile, I keep an eye on. If it seems like they are open, I will walk up and talk to them…and find out if they are alone or not. That helps, too.

Sometimes, I just have to focus on what is going on and go through it. If programming is triggered, that is when it is the worst. I just have to accept that I am not in a frame of mind where I can truly trust anyone. I just need to smile, be pleasant and get through it.

Sometimes I experience an impending sense of doom that I cannot connect to any person or place or event. It is just a feeling I walk around with. That, too, makes it difficult in social situations. I keep wondering if I have somehow blown it…somehow said or done something wrong. I have learned that I just have to ride it out if I cannot find a legitimate reason for it.

So, I have all sorts of struggles with social settings…unless I am in the midst of giving it. Yet…I can speak and sing without too much difficulty. Or at least I once could. It has been a long time since I have done it. In fact, since I started realizing the truth about my history and my makeup I have not really pursued it. There is a difference between being up in front of a group and being down within the group. I had a therapist who was the same way. She could teach a class…no problem. But as a student…she was actually rather shy. It is a matter of being in my element.

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Triggers and Blow-ups and Talking About Things

March 26, 2010

We had a blow up at our home this morning. It was nobody’s fault and both of our faults. It was scary for me…as major disagreements typically are. Thankfully, we don’t have them very often. In fact, you could almost say they are rare, even with the increase due to our living situation. It is pretty amazing…truly a G-d thing.

BUT…back to this morning. Even though I KNOW that he is totally committed and would never leave…the fear hits when he walks out the door. Is he going outside to work on something? Or is he going to leave? Mind you…he has never left…but the fear still comes up.

I prayed a lot this morning…for wisdom…to be changed…to understand…for us. The whole thing felt overwhelming and I felt helpless…and maybe even a bit of hopelessness started to creep in there, too. The good thing is that we were able to have a good talk later. We have very little privacy which means that we cannot typically get things out in a timely manner. So things build up. That does not help.

Hopefully, our living situation will change within the next few months…at least before the next winter. That will help a LOT…but it won’t solve everything. It will give us privacy to talk. Privacy for me to work more on my healing. Privacy for us to work more on being a husband and wife. (That brings up a lot of mixed emotions…but more about that in another post.) It will be easier on our son, too…and just all the way around.

Everyone who knows our situation has told me that there is NO way they could have done it.  Well…we can’t, either. As I said…it is a G-d thing. It is only with the grace and mercy of Yahweh who gets us through that we are able to do it.

Anyway…I was able to share how I had been triggered in a huge way yesterday. He knew about the previous one, but not this one. It is good that he knows…that he is able to understand…at least somewhat. The fact that I could even talk about it so soon is a miracle. I guess it shows that I am farther along than I thought.

I am definitely better today. It is good that I was able to explain how and why I got triggered and why it is next to impossible to talk about when it happens. It is really difficult to share when I feel as if I am in a lose/lose…not that he makes it so…but that is how I hear it…how I experience it.

So many times, he can say something and I hear it totally differently than he meant it. And that goes both ways. Although he is not a ritual abuse survivor…he does have his own stuff. His father was abusive and his parents eventually divorced.  My parents stayed together and both were perpetrators. So much for family stability!

Triggers can happen in so many ways…like the way I start to feel like a small child when I get really sick or if I am physically hurt. I am there. I don’t lose continuity, but I am emotionally oftentimes like a child who is struggling to behave like an adult. Which brings me to another part of our living situation. I have to hide that I am triggered. There is no safe place to just emote and let it out. So I struggle not only with being triggered, but also with feeling like I have to hide it. This, too, we talked about this morning. It does not change anything…but it is good to at least talk about it.

In spite of the rough start…today was a good day.

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PTSD, Grieving and Broken Dreams Rambling

September 5, 2008

I have not been able to come and write here for a bit. I have had so many things on my plate that it feels overwhelming. It does not help that we are going into a time of year that tends to be difficult for me. September and October are selection and preparation months in the cult for what happens at the end of October.

My mind and heart are just filled with things I need to get out, but I will probably just be ramblings. Writing as it comes to me.

I am grieving over so many things right now. Dreams we had when we moved here that have been dashed and shattered. Struggling to improve our living situation to no avail. Friendships I have had to walk away from due to communication that just seems to fail over and over.

There are times when I feel very alone. I know I am not. I have Yahweh God first and foremost and I have my husband and son. The rest of my family lives very far away. The cost of gas and the time involved with trying to improve our living situation has effectively isolated us from being able to invest in any real friendships…not that I connect very easily to others anyway. Everyone lives so far away. I long for an in person friend to do things with…another couple to get together with. Being forbidden to openly share with some people about our lives and about my past has also hindered us a lot.

We have been deeply wounded since moving here…in ways we would have never imagined. It has also come from sources we would never have dreamed. This is the time of year that I was seeing a therapist two years ago who accessed my programming and used me. Boy did I learn a lot from that one.

The days are getting shorter. There is so much I want to do…and so much I need to do…and I feel so hindered. I miss having a table on which to spread things out to work on. I miss having a bedroom. I miss having a bed that is not also my couch. I don’t mind sleeping on a couch, but this couch has to be folded out into a bed for two…much more awkward. Plus, I have to roll up our bedding every morning to make it back into a couch. So there is the hassle at night when I am already tired and cannot just fall into bed. I also cannot get up in the morning and just go sit in a chair somewhere.

I have always struggled with sleeping on a bed in the daytime and now the bedroom and living room area boundaries are blurred. I am sure that is not helping my PTSD. Neither is the lack of privacy. I miss having the privacy for adult conversations and other adult stuff.

I miss having some kind of room that I can go into when I need to cry…or for a phone call…or to do art work (especially much needed therapeutic artwork). I am constantly stuffing my emotions and hiding what I am really feeling and how I am really doing. It is very draining.

I miss being able to ride my motorcycle. Someone actually asked to buy it and I just cried. I am not selling it at this point. Selling it would mean another lost dream…two, actually. The dream of being able to ride again and the dream of being able to afford for us to go places and have fun on the motorcycles, since it is less expensive. Even if we cannot afford to go do something, the rides alone are great therapy and great fun. I have missed them. This is especially hard when there are soooooooo many motorcyclists around here.

I even miss being able to call my parents to ask them things…or see how they are doing. But that is just not safe to do. I have received no indication that anything has changed in regards to how they perceive me.

I am fighting tears even as I write this. I know that I can trust Yahweh. He never said life would easy. In fact, Yeshua/Jesus said the opposite. I have run into opposition for many things…some of it simply my own humanness…and some of it more sinister. I choose to keep serving and loving Yahweh…there is no other. He is the One True God…the Creator of everything. It is to Him that I take my tears and my heartaches. It is from Him that I receive some comfort and solace.

Well, I am going to wrap this up for now. I will come back when I can. I hope this feeling of being overwhelmed stops soon.

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Therapy and Moving On

August 13, 2008

T went really well today. I feel like I accomplished more than I have for awhile. I got in touch with some feelings that I have been needing to get in touch with. He gave me an assignment. I have to answer a question. I have no idea what I will answer. It is one of those things where you have to seek the answer…as in I need to pray and ask for help.

I think I also made a decision today…to find a way to get out of here. Being in this place is holding me back in some things…and not just me. It is time. We did what we came here to do. It is time to move on…or perhaps…to move back. I don’t know. Where are we supposed to be? We are praying for wisdom on that one.

I want to be in a place where I don’t have to couch what I say to others. Where I don’t have to be concerned about someone else’s job…although he says not to be concerned. He says to be me. Yet, that is hard. I don’t really feel much freedom to be “me”…not here…and maybe not anywhere. Well, there is one place where I think I would feel it…but he does not want to go there. It would take an act of God…literally. So, I must let go of that desire. Although, I still hope it will happen…but I must not set my heart upon it. I must let go of that dream. If it is meant to be…He will bring it back…in reality instead of in my heart.

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