Archive for the ‘history’ Category

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Deception- Thoughts in General

July 14, 2020

This blog has a different login from my other ones. It’s like I want to keep my survivor world separate from the rest of my life. But I can’t. Not really. There is always bleed over.

So, why do I keep them separate? Part of it is that there is so much deception in the world and people do not want to believe the kinds of things I have experienced are real. No way do these kinds of things happen. But, yes way. They do. And many are the walking wounded. And the ones who know it is true are often the perpetrators and unsafe people.

Deception, deception. I see the plan playing out in the world today. We are headed to the epic battle between good and evil. Will it happen in our decade? I don’t know. Maybe we will get a reprieve. In the ultimate end… they will lose and evil will be vanquished from the universe.

I just know that watching all that is going on (via real news) with the awareness I have, as well as what I know from my history, is sometimes a bit triggering.

I have worked very hard on shoving that part of my life to the side… of moving on and not really giving it much thought. I even managed to make it through several Octobers without thinking about what really goes on. Oh, I thought about it on a surface level, but not in my gut. I thought about the evil in general, but not the details of the deeds… until last year.

The decorations just get sicker and more depraved each year. And I mourn inside that people could find pleasure in such things. When I described to my therapist the one that set me off so badly last year, she couldn’t believe ANYone would even begin to think that kind of decoration was appropriate.

But see, people don’t believe it is real. We have become so desensitized by the movies and programs and music we watch that it all has a surreal quality. Instead of being sickened by what we see and watch, we shrug it off. Well, many do. There are a lot of us out there who don’t. We can’t because we know the truth. We know it in our psyches and in our bodies. We bear the wounds in our minds and hearts and some of us even bear the physical scars.

I remember getting body memories that caused me to double up in pain. To this day, I don’t remember the original event. It is still buried somewhere in the amnesia. It is as if my own mind is deceiving me by hiding the source… by leaving me with partial amnesia.

But isn’t that what memory suppression is? Isn’t that what splitting is? It is hiding the ugly in an attempt to deceive our conscious selves that all is really OK when it sure the heck is not! So much is about deception. Layer upon layer of deception.

The rituals. The sacrifices. The trafficking. The photos and the filming. The babies. The children. The animals. All used in so many sick and demeaning ways. But some of it was deceptive… sets with actors and effects. Which was real and which was not? To the child… it was ALL real. It did not matter if he/she killed a real baby or if it was staged and fake. To the child, it was real and so was the trauma. What we experienced was real, even if the cause was faked in some instances. And, in oh so many instances, they were definitely not faked. Evidence has been found to show otherwise, especially from the wannabe’s.

Deception. The biggest tool of our spiritual adversary who controls all the pawns at the top who think they are going to win. Ha! They are just being used and are just as deceived as the ones they deceive. And maybe even more so for they believe they know the truth, but they don’t. They are living a lie. The very deceivers themselves are deceived!

And yet, in spite of all I have experienced and all I have been through, I cannot and I do wish evil on anyone. I wish them to be set from their bondage to evil and to the evil one. I wish them to know the very real freedom and joy of serving the One True God. I wish they would know His love and the touch of His Spirit. I wish they would know His peace.

I refuse to allow evil to win in my life. I am moving forward and taking a leap of faith, trusting God is leading me. I am going to be fairly transparent with some people I hope to work with. I could lose everything or I could gain a huge gift. Which will it be? Only God knows. But I think it will be the latter and that I am moving according to His leading. If I am wrong, I will still lean on Him, my Deliverer who has set me free from so many things.

I feel as if I have to be a bit deceptive because I cannot be transparent with just anyone about my real history. I have to keep it partially hidden from the world just as it is partially hidden from me in the veil of remaining amnesia. I have often wished I could share like they do in the conferences (which I do not attend). But that is not me. I will settle for this blog and for some one on one in person sharing.

Deception. So much is wrapped around and wound up in deception. Other than what I have to hide to stay “safe”, I hate deception. I hate hiding. But if I can be at least somewhat open with just two or three, well… that is a huge gift.

I believe this jpg from another site sums it up well. I would add not to waste it on the dangerous. Be wise.

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Expectations of Life

July 22, 2008

So many times, life just does not turn out like we think it will. Or like we hope it will. Shoot, I found out that even my history is not what I thought it was. How bizarre is that? To realize that what I remember as my life was a farce…an implanted lie!

There is one thing, though, that I know is not a lie. My heart connection with Yahweh God. That has always been real and continues to be real. He has been with me throughout it all. He knows the truth and is able to show me what I need to know. He has guided me on my healing journey all of my life. I can look back and see His hand there, with me behind the scenes.

Without Him, I would not have been able to survive. Without Him, I could not do life today. It is that simple. I simply could not do it. He is good to me. I look forward to going home to be with Him forever. In the meantime, I will tough it out here in this life…with Yeshua/Jesus by my side and His Ruach/Spirit dwelling within me.

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Answer to ? About Seeking Out My History

February 17, 2008

This question was posted:

what do you mean… seek out your history? and why?

rose

Hi, Rose, you ask a good question. I am partially amnesic. It is something that will be coming out more and more as write this blog, but I will start with the most blatant part of it that I see. I don’t remember my younger sister.

You see, I have a sister who is 8 years younger than I am. I lived in the same house with her for at least 10 years. Yet, I can count on one hand the number of real memories I have of her. I have very clear memories of photos of her, but that is not the same thing. I even have a set of photos I took of her at a special event; and yet, try as I might, I can only get hazy bits of memory about that event. Looking at the pictures does not evoke any real sense of being there. Nor does looking at any of the other pictures I have of her.

I don’t recall when it suddenly struck me that she was gone from my consciousness. All I know is that I was an adult and had been away from home for quite awhile. I do have one memory of being with her once when I was visiting after I had moved away, but that is about it. What I remember of our conversation was very telling and very sad.

I also came to another realization one day. As I was looking at the photo albums my parents had it suddenly struck me that all of my younger childhood memories were just the photos in the albums. There are no moving pictures…just still shots. Almost all are from the third person perspective, as if I was there as an observer looking at myself instead of experiencing it as a participant, being myself. My mother had told me stories about the photos many times over the years. Somehow, my mind had taken the stories and the photos and created “memories”.

Both of these realizations came as a bit of a shock to me, but I know I must have been ready for it. I know that God allows things to be revealed as I am ready for it.

So, for me, I had to let go of what I used to think was my history and start seeking what my history really is. I have asked the One who knows all about it…God…to lead me in this adventure. And that is exactly what it has been…an adventure! It has also been incredibly hard and led me to remember things that rocked my life.

I don’t know the details of what is left buried inside, but I do have the overall big picture now. I have also read enough information on what I have uncovered about myself and met enough other people with similar backgrounds that I don’t think there will be too many surprises to come.

I cannot really force any memories to surface. So, what I mean by “seeking” is that I try to be open to what comes up. I try to have an open heart and open mind.

I hope this answers your question!

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