Archive for the ‘invisibility’ Category

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What Do You Do With Anger?

April 19, 2010

I feel like saying something. I feel like wagging a finger in someone’s face. I feel like getting a bit loud. I feel like yelling. I feel like…what??? I don’t know. I don’t do anger very well. I try to be very understanding, very forgiving. I try to let go of my wants for the sake of others. We give…for their sakes…but they don’t even have a clue how much we give. And for one of them…that is OK. But the other. I need some acknowledgment. When you work so hard to present as “normal”…whatever the heck that is…it is so easy for the other one to forget who you really are…what you really are…who ALL you really are. It has been building up for some time.

So…what, exactly, DO you do with anger? With frustration? With an inability to get to what you feel you need? An inability to do what you feel you need to do? To process all the stuff you have had to put on hold for the last few years. Talk about healing interrupted! I know it is not totally interrupted, but in so many ways it HAS been.

I have grown in the sense that I have actually been holding it together through all of this. Well…I believe it is my Abba who has really been holding me together. Many times I have reached the end of my proverbial rope and it is my Abba who has kept me going…who is holding me together.

I am human. I have feelings…sometimes very conflicting feelings…depending upon the who and the what. Again…something that tends to be forgotten by the very one I most need to remember that. I am OK…but that does not mean that I do not have those feelings to battle at times. He does, too, and even from some of the same things. We each have our stuff. And then…I have stuff for more than one.

I think it is time to remind someone. I am praying about the how and the when. Do I write it?  Do I speak it? And then there is who should write it or speak it? What “voice” do I use? What will be best heard? Best received? I am not talking about manipulation here…I am talking about practicality. Know your audience. Speak accordingly.

Is it hopeless? Sometimes it feels like it is. Some times…it feels as if things will never change.  It feels as if I will always have to hide a lot of myself. I have to accept that life might just be that way. Can I do that? Can I trust enough for that?

Our living situation is going to change…most likely during this summer/fall…maybe sooner. That will bring a lot of challenges of its own…while also opening up some things for me. How will I handle that? I don’t know yet. I am trying to get prepared for both change…and for no change. I really hope that I do not have to face no change.

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Tara #4

February 4, 2009

The fourth episode of United States of Tara did not have her switching. We saw no sign of her alters until the very end…and that was interspersed with a scene of Tara and her sister, so it appeared to be more of just showing something about Alice rather than a current switch.

There was an incident that appears to have been done by an alter. I say “appears” because I am not convinced that it necessarily is an alter of Tara’s. Supposedly, “she” did it because she is the only one with a key. Yeah, right. How many times has someone been accused because they were the only ones with a key and then, when the real culprit comes to light, it’s “Oh yeah, I forget that he/she also had a key”?

It could have been done by a former lover (or even a current one who’s angry for some reason). It could have been done by someone who knew Tara would be blamed and took advantage of that…someone who could have even “borrowed” her key? Hey, this is TV, after all. This is not a documentary, which I hope people keep in mind. Although the show is about something real…Dissociative Identity Disorder…the story line is fictional.

I so feel for her in thinking that she has finally found a friend, only to have that friend insist on meeting one of her alters. How disrespectful. She shared her heart with this woman…only to have her do this to her…and in front of her sister, no less. This woman and her sister end up talking about her as if she is not even there. Invisibility. That is painful. Betrayal…that, too, is painful.

I felt rather emotional at the end of this episode. At first, I could not figure it out, but now I think I know what is going on. Tara’s life is radically different from mine on just about every level. However, there are some things I relate to her on. The incidents are different. The people are different. Yet, the pain is the same. I relate to the struggle…to the confusion.

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