Archive for the ‘letting go’ Category

h1

Seeing Deceptions

September 15, 2016

Seeing so much deception in the world can be very disheartening. Yet, there is an upside to it, too. Yep, an upside. It makes me more grateful than ever that I can see as clearly as I can. Am I saying I cannot be deceived? No. But I am saying that I know the One who is never deceived and He gives me insight as to what is really going on in the world.

I am grateful for the Creator’s Word…both the written and the Living. I am grateful for His Spirit that lives inside me, leading me and guiding me even when I am not aware of it and helping me to understand His written word…the bible. I am grateful for His Messiah who took care of the problem of darkness within me…my own evil and propensity to do wrong things.

There are those who have wronged me in the past. I have forgiven them. There are those who, I believe, are wronging me in the present. I forgive them. Does that mean I am unaffected? No. But the effects are lessened by the understanding the Spirit gives me.

When I look at the world through the eyes of my Creator, I see a lost world. The greatest darkness and deception are not from those in the world toward the rest of us. No, it is a deception that the deceivers themselves are caught up in. And that causes me to pity them.

Those attempting (and being very successful with many) to deceive us are themselves deceived. They do not see the Truth about the bigger plan our Creator has for this world. They think they are gaining power and have wealth to make them better than the rest of us, but they only have and do what they are allowed by our Creator to have and do.

Our Creator has a bigger plan of redemption for this world. He will make it brand new. But before that time, there will continue to be a battle between Light and dark, between Good and evil, between our spiritual adversary and us. But I know who wins. In the end, it is US through the Spirit of our Creator. Messiah has ALREADY won the battle over death and sin, but we need to walk that out in our lives.

I truly wish I did a much better job of that, but I am entrusting my spiritual well-being to my Creator. He knows my frame and that I am merely dust. Yet, He takes that dust and raises up out of it human beings made in His image. He makes beauty and love and all good things possible.

I cannot choose what happens to me in life, but I CAN choose my response to it. And I choose to worship my Creator and to walk in His ways as best I can out of love and gratitude and respect for Who He is.

So, when I see all the deceptions and I am tempted to be frustrated…or worse, afraid…I look to Him. I am comforted by the prophecies where He has spelled out for us what has happened, is happening now and will happen. I do not need to fear the future. He holds that in His capable hands. I need not fear the now, for He is working something good out of it.

I see the Light shining in the midst of the darkness. I see Messiah Yeshua (Jesus) coming. I also see a time of great trouble on the horizon before He comes back. But I know I am OK in the here and now. And I will be OK in the midst of the coming troubles because He will be here with me. Yeshua promised to never leave or forsake us and He is not a liar.

h1

What is healing…

December 4, 2012

I am not really sure what healing looks like. I think it is different for each person. After years of looking at it, I still don’t have a solid definition, but I can share with you some things that sure look like healing for me.

Healing Is

Healing is being able to laugh…even in the midst of pain.

Healing is being able to cry…even when others are around.

Healing is being able to somewhat identify what I am feeling,
and hopefully…even being able to have an idea of WHY I am feeling it.

Healing is knowing when I need to decompress,
being able to identify safe places to decompress,
and then…doing it.

Healing is being able to sense whether a person or place is safe
And then being able to keep myself safe.

Healing is being able to find joy in life.

Healing is being able to see good things…even when bad things are happening.

Healing is being able to have gratitude for what I do have
rather than bemoaning what I don’t.

Healing is being able to be productive in some way every day
even if I am the only one who recognizes it.

Healing is being able to take a step forward,
no matter how tiny
and even if it is only in my heart.

Healing is being able to face some aspect of my past…without completely crumbling.

Healing is being able to recognize that some part of my history,
no matter how small or big,
no longer has a hold on me.

Healing is being able to make plans…and know that they might actually happen!

Healing is being able to say that I made it through
another minute,
another day,
another hour,
another week,
another month,
another year,
another anniversary,
another flashback,
another body memory,

Healing is having the freedom to fully unleash my creativity and
sing again,
play music again,
write again,
talk again,
share again.

Healing is being able to give without manipulation
and receive without manipulation
even more importantly… recognizing the difference.

Healing is being to allow myself to truly love
and open myself to the potential for heartache without fear,
knowing that I can rise above anything that happens.

Healing is allowing myself to trust others
and being trustworthy myself.

Healing is giving myself permission to live life to the fullest
without thinking much about healing or hurting or my history.
It is allowing myself to temporarily “forget” that I even have an abusive history.

Healing is knowing that I was a victim who dared to survive
and am now a survivor who dares to thrive.

Healing is being able to put words to my experiences,
words like
“rape”
and “sexual abuse”
and “incest”
and “satanic ritual abuse”.
And healing is to put them without capital letters because
I am bigger and taller and stronger than they are
and I refuse to give them capital letter power in my life.

Healing is being able to cry and know that I am OK
and everything will be alright.

Healing is being able to see my Creator’s love for me
even when I know I don’t deserve it.

Healing is being able to see His hand in my life…even during the most awful of experiences.

Healing is being able to see His protection and how He got me through.

I may think of more things to add to that list. As I do, I may edit

h1

Living Life in the Face of Nastiness…

March 30, 2012

There are people in life who are simply nasty. They are mean, disrespectful and really don’t care how what they do affects others. When confronted with such people, we have choices to make. We can either react to them, wherein we lose ourselves by allowing them to control our lives and determine how we will live. Or, we can respond to them, wherein we maintain our own autonomy and integrity and choose how we shall live. I prefer the latter. That is my choice.

When I am confronted by nasty negative people I choose to remember that I, too, have had my “moments” of being nasty or ugly. It may not have been intentional. I may not have even been aware of how I was coming across. Or, I may have realized it as it was happening, but did not know how to “fix” it. Or maybe there was no fix…the damage was already done. Any way you look at it, I have had a negative impact on others at times in my life. So, I believe it is worthwhile to remain humble toward others, recognizing that I am certainly not perfect, either!

I also try to remember that everyone is the way they are for a reason. For good or bad, we have all had negative and positive experiences in life that have helped to shape us into what we are today. Sometimes, the balance between positive and negative was fairly even overall. But for some of us, one heavily outweighed the other.

For those whose positive experiences heavily outweighed the negative it can be difficult to understand those of who whose lives were the opposite. We may fumble where they do not. We may react to things that do not faze them one bit. I think it is good when each person can believe another’s story and try to imagine living in that reality. It can help us to be more empathetic toward others.

For those of us who weigh heavily on the negative, and some even in the extreme, it can be difficult to imagine life without that. We see the way others live and struggle to comprehend how they can do that. It just isn’t even on our radar.

Thankfully, though, there can be some good experiences even in the midst of craziness and evil, that give us some positive skills for life. For me, knowing my Creator made a HUGE difference. It is part of what helped to shape me and, I think, to temper how the abuse affected me.

I still deal with the physical effects of trauma brain and I can still experience flashbacks that are part of PTSD and getting  triggered.  However, I have learned over the years how to cope and work around the aftereffects. I know what I can do and what I cannot do and I no longer feel guilt or shame over what I cannot do…even when others do not understand. It is frustrating at times when people look less favorably upon me for what I cannot do. They cannot comprehend how even the simplest of things can be overwhelming at times. But I have learned to live with that and simply accept that there are things they simply do not know and, even if they did, might not be able to understand.

Life is good…even when it is hard. I am OK with that. My heavenly Abba/Father/true Daddy walks with me. So does my Messiah…Yeshua. Their Ruach/Spirit lives within me and that strengthens and comforts me…especially when life is hard.

I refuse to give up. I refuse to hold grudges. I refuse to not forgive. I choose to walk in freedom with my head held high…even when I am shaking inside.

h1

Parents…a Love/Hate Affair…

December 21, 2010

There is a drawing I did back in 2005 that so reflects how I feel right now. You can see it here:  Always Out of Reach.

My parents are one of several reasons I have not been writing here for a while.  Some of those reasons are good ones…I have been baking, shopping and wrapping. Others are not so good…I have been struggling in my living situation even more with the early onset of cold weather and snow and I have been emotionally drained from trying to deal with my parents. Yeah…my parents.

As you can see in the picture, nothing has really changed since I have been a young girl. The man who used to be my hero (in what I came to realize was a made up life) is just as unavailable as ever. The game playing still goes on. The manipulation attempts…or maybe…they are not merely attempts, but actually accomplishments…at least on some level…in spite of my attempts to not be drawn in.

Awhile back I phoned my mother. At the end of that call, she admitted that my perception of being pushed aside for my son was accurate. She was being real and she told me that she wanted me to know why that was. She said it was important, but not, apparently, important enough to answer any of my emails following the call.

Writing to my father produced more of the same messy communications as always…or should I say lack of communication. He ignores part of what I say, picking and choosing what he will respond to. His responses do not always make sense because he will quote me out of context. This last email he basically wrote everything I wrote back to me.

My husband had already written him…telling him to piss or get off the pot. Either communicate in a real way and start a relationship or back off. Make a choice. His choice was to parrot what I wrote to him back to me.

So, I wrote him with four things he could do to show me that I can start to believe what he writes to me. I have blocked his email addresses. He can do those things and he can write via my husband. If that happens, then I will consider unblocking his emails, but I am not holding my breath. No longer will my pulse race when I see an email has come into that email account for I will know it is not him.

I did not block my mother, though, so I won’t be surprised if she suddenly starts to write me. It is difficult to predict, but they do like to sort of play tag team at times. I hate to cut her off seeing as how she is dying. However, it does no good to try to connect if she is not truly open to connecting.

When Paul wrote and reminded us of sending in a piece for the 6th Arts Carnival, I started looking through my pieces to see what I might enter. When I saw this one, only two days after telling my father I was blocking his email, well…it just seemed fitting. As I wrote Paul sending him the link and telling him why this particular piece, I found myself tearing up. There is a lot of grief still inside over not having my parents and over never really knowing what it is like to grow up feeling secure, loved and sane. The only love I really remember is the love of Yeshua/Jesus.

h1

Cruelty and Healthy Boundaries…

September 17, 2010

What my mother has done is cruel. I keep trying to empathize and to understand her pain. But not matter how much I empathize…no matter how much I forgive…it still hurts like hell. I am the unwanted daughter. I did not step up to the plate. I did not take over. I stepped out of line. I left. I have no desire to be a princess other than in the One True Creator God’s kingdom.

I will never live up to her expectations. Her expectations (and his) lead to death. I have chosen a different path. If they do not want me…they can forget my son. I was actually willing to let them talk to him on the phone, but if they don’t want me…forget it. That is not being selfish…it is being real. It is not being vindictive…it is setting boundaries…healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are not OK in the cult. My whole life I had no boundaries. I did not know where I ended and other people began. I was trained to be a chameleon…to anticipate others needs/wants. Those in the cult who knew the trigger words and actions could get anything they wanted. NO MORE!!

I was accessed by a “Christian” therapist after we moved here. He had experience with cult clients. Little did I know that he was not only cult himself…but that we had met many years ago. It ends here…and now! I will not kowtow to my parents. I will not kowtow to anyone but my Lord…and He does not ask me to. He lifts my head to look into His eyes so that I can see His healing love.

I hurt. I am angry. I do not deserve to be treated this way. Even IF I had been the worst daughter on the planet…rather than simply and imperfect one…I do not deserve this. I have reached out via email for a year and a half. It has gone nowhere. I tried. My conscience is clear. I have done what I can. It is their loss. They can blame me all they want…but they have a part in this. I am an adult. I will not submit to them or to their control. I will not go back to the way things were.

So I will continue to mourn what was and I will mourn what never was. I will mourn the dream of having a somewhat regular family. I will keep my heart open until there is nothing left…and at that point…I will mourn for what will never be. I have dreams. I have always had dreams. Many of them are just broken dreams…turning to dust beneath my feet. Oh, well.

I have survived. I will survive. Nay…I will thrive! In spite of how hard my life is right now…I have more freedom than I ever did living under their control. The Creator has given me the gift of who I am…all of me. I am His…and no one else’s…no one’s.

I hope we can make peace before she dies…same with him. But if it does not happen…I refuse to beat myself up with guilt that is not mine.

h1

Letter to My Parents

June 24, 2010

Back in July of 2008, I sent my parents an email after my mother left a message on my in-law’s answering machine with a new phone number. I got a one word answer. Thus started some VERY sporadic, mostly terse, email communication with them. I was not really expecting anything…just testing the waters.

Well…here it is almost two years later. I felt it was time to write a summarizing email. I really hate loose ends…so I am tying a knot in one right now.

Here it is:

I really thought a lot about whether or not to write this. It almost ended up being a coin toss…seeing as how that is about how much I believe I mean to either of you.

Oh, I know…I can hear it now…how I am the “big bad daughter” who “used and abused you all those years” and who “lied to you” and who “hurt you deeply”, yada…yada…yada.

Well…I didn’t do all those things and I don’t really buy the whole thing about how “terribly hurt” you. You see…you don’t really behave as if terribly hurt. What you behave like to me is more like you are angry because your covers were pulled and your plan did not work. You did not get what you wanted…and you still aren’t.

You, mom, wrote some real heart things. That actually gave me hope (silly me) that you actually wanted to communicate…for real. Yet, when I answered you…you did not respond. Oh, OK…I get it. You can be “real” and express your “truth” and your “hurt”…but when I do likewise…forget about it.

As for you, dad…all you seem to be interested in is what I remember. The feeling I get is that you just want to debate the validity of my memories. Well…I am not going to share with you…for reasons already previously stated. And even if I were to share with you…I will not debate anything. I know what is true.

Well…if that is all you really you want…that’s OK. The few communications we have had in the last year or so have basically confirmed to me what I had already suspected was most likely the case…that nothing has really changed. Well…that is not entirely true…I have changed. I am no longer the weak woman/child responding to your manipulation cues.

I also know it is not really about me. It is about my son. He is the only one you are really interested in. You don’t want a relationship with me…only him. That is all it has really been about since the beginning.

I know about your plan to move in and gain total access to him while manipulating me and attempting to push me over the edge. Thing is…it didn’t work. I have to admit…you did come close. But you didn’t allow for the Holy Spirit knowing what your plan was and revealing it to me. He is bigger than anything you can come up with. He is the One who thwarted your plan…not me. He is the One who led me to the truth…and to real help.

I can’t vouch for your relationship with our Creator…but mine is real…very real. I have actually seen Him protect me. And others…who knew nothing of the situations I was in…actually saw angels protecting me.

Now…I want you to understand something. I am not angry…although my email may sound like I am. No…it is with something more like resignation and sadness that I write. Sometimes…that is just the way life is.

I pray for you. I hope that you will find real peace and healing as I have. Have I totally arrived yet? Of course not…not until Yeshua/Jesus comes back. But I have come a long way…and I pray for you, too, to find that before you die.

In a way…this email is really about saying “goodbye”…at least for now. I am not really locking the door shut. I am too persistent of a dreamer to do that…in addition to the fact that I believe in honoring you both. I know…you are probably rolling your eyes and choking at that one. It doesn’t matter. The truth is the truth whether you choose to accept it or not.

Anyway…here’s the deal. I will respond to whatever you write…IF…you show me that you really want to communicate and work through some things as a family…and IF…you don’t attack me. I will NOT stand for being attacked. The truth can be spoken in love.

If you don’t want to…I am OK with that…sad…but OK. If you don’t…you are welcome to write me and tell me so…or not. If I don’t hear from you I will simply take it that you are not ready to do that. Perhaps…in the future…you will be. Just remember…none of us knows just how much “future” we really have. Any one of us could go on any day…and with your ages…that is even more likely with you two.

So…yes…this is a sort of “goodbye”…or perhaps more accurately…an “until later”. Ever the optimist…I will keep hoping. As for being a realist…well…I will let my heavenly Abba take care of that.

Go with G-d…the L-rd and Creator of the Universe…YHWH…Abba, Yeshua/Jesus and Holy Spirit.

love,

(first name)
h1

Poem and Filing a Complaint

April 22, 2010

I wrote this in November, 2009. At the time, I was seriously working on a complaint against KB…the unethical therapist I wrote about previously in my blog. I ended up putting the complaint aside…not because I did not think I could win. Actually, I probably could. I have the benefit that she was not actually my therapist…having had only one phone call with her. Most of my interaction was through her online forum with a few emails. She did things that are easier to prove than if I were actually a client.

No…I pulled back because I figured it was not worth it. At first, I drove myself because I knew others were filing against her. I felt that I had to do this to help keep her from hurting others. I was told that Ross, too, had filed against her on behalf of some of her former clients. Again…I pushed myself, figuring that I would add my voice…you know…weight in numbers.

Then I got to thinking about it. I was paying a price in trying to write it up. It had to be done carefully. I am a very busy person with enough of my own stuff on my plate. As survivors, we each have to learn to protect ourselves. I cannot be a protector for others. I can support them. I can point out what to watch for…which is why I wrote the article on internet safety for Many Voices. The longer version is on my blog starting here.

I want to help others find ways to stay safe…even from unscrupulous therapists…through my blog…through articles…through being here to answer questions. KB will answer to G-d someday for all she has done…just as I will for all I have done in my life. I pray that she gets it together and stops hurting people. I know who I am. I know the truth. So does she and so does G-d. For now…that is enough.

Anyway…part of what I was experiencing, too, was a taking back of who I am. This poem is part of that process.

Flower

I am Flower!

Standing tall.

Standing strong.

Bending in the wind,
but not breaking.

I am Flower.

Speaking truth.

Offering peace.

Sharing hope.

I am Flower.

The delicate scent of my joy
may be temporarily
misplaced by the storm,
but it always returns
to be wafted along
upon gentle breezes.

I am Flower!

Beautiful.

Delicate.

Enduring.

I am Flower.

Blooming.

Growing.

Healing.

I am Flower!

©2009

h1

What Do You Do With Anger?

April 19, 2010

I feel like saying something. I feel like wagging a finger in someone’s face. I feel like getting a bit loud. I feel like yelling. I feel like…what??? I don’t know. I don’t do anger very well. I try to be very understanding, very forgiving. I try to let go of my wants for the sake of others. We give…for their sakes…but they don’t even have a clue how much we give. And for one of them…that is OK. But the other. I need some acknowledgment. When you work so hard to present as “normal”…whatever the heck that is…it is so easy for the other one to forget who you really are…what you really are…who ALL you really are. It has been building up for some time.

So…what, exactly, DO you do with anger? With frustration? With an inability to get to what you feel you need? An inability to do what you feel you need to do? To process all the stuff you have had to put on hold for the last few years. Talk about healing interrupted! I know it is not totally interrupted, but in so many ways it HAS been.

I have grown in the sense that I have actually been holding it together through all of this. Well…I believe it is my Abba who has really been holding me together. Many times I have reached the end of my proverbial rope and it is my Abba who has kept me going…who is holding me together.

I am human. I have feelings…sometimes very conflicting feelings…depending upon the who and the what. Again…something that tends to be forgotten by the very one I most need to remember that. I am OK…but that does not mean that I do not have those feelings to battle at times. He does, too, and even from some of the same things. We each have our stuff. And then…I have stuff for more than one.

I think it is time to remind someone. I am praying about the how and the when. Do I write it?  Do I speak it? And then there is who should write it or speak it? What “voice” do I use? What will be best heard? Best received? I am not talking about manipulation here…I am talking about practicality. Know your audience. Speak accordingly.

Is it hopeless? Sometimes it feels like it is. Some times…it feels as if things will never change.  It feels as if I will always have to hide a lot of myself. I have to accept that life might just be that way. Can I do that? Can I trust enough for that?

Our living situation is going to change…most likely during this summer/fall…maybe sooner. That will bring a lot of challenges of its own…while also opening up some things for me. How will I handle that? I don’t know yet. I am trying to get prepared for both change…and for no change. I really hope that I do not have to face no change.

h1

My Sister

February 16, 2010

My sister had a brave heart. She was beautiful and childlike. She was a fighter who would not give up. She was trapped…caught in an unseen web that was too sticky for her to break free from. They had her where they wanted her.

My sister ran away from one cult family right into the arms of another…but she didn’t know. Neither of us did. At that time, we were both amnesic to our true history.

I wonder…did she ever figure it out before she died? Did she finally remember her childhood abuse…the younger years? Did she remember “everything”…or just the minor “stuff” she used as an excuse to run away?

My sister kept trying…in recovery and out of it. I remember her telling me how she had to fight with the recovery people to get her a counselor. She kept saying she needed one, but they did not want to give it to her…not even in those fancy, high class, expensive recovery places.

Was it because it was being paid for by his parents? After all…counseling might mean that she would remember something…something important…something damning…about them. Maybe she would finally wake up to the truth about her boyfriend and his parents…the family she lived with. Or…maybe she wanted a counselor because she already had an inkling of the truth? I will never know in this life.

This is the time of year that I especially think of my sister…as her birthday approaches in a couple of days. And I wonder about her death…and sometimes, I wonder if she even really died…or if they have her holed up somewhere. It didn’t look like her. And my father would not leave me alone with her. If he had…what would I have done? I don’t know. We weren’t supposed to touch the body…but I think I would have. It did NOT look like her. I had seen her within the last year.

My father said it did, but he had not seen her in years…so far as I know. But then…it is not exactly like I came from a truthful family. Ha! “Family”. What is THAT supposed to be? Not the caricature I grew up with.

It’s funny how everything seemed to be so good…on the outside looking in. All the memories I concocted about growing up seemed so OK…yet I was so not OK.  Stories my mother told me were woven through my mind with photos from the family albums. Childhood. Sure…that was my childhood…only…it wasn’t.

I remember the day I suddenly realized that it was all a lie…a fantasy. It has been so long now that I cannot remember if it was before or after I realized that I could not remember growing up with my sister. It is as if she did not exist…yet I know for fact she was there…in the same house with me.

So many things are buried in the mists of amnesia with a tiny flash of a snippet here and there that blazes through so fast that I can barely figure out what just went by. Yet…those flashes ARE there. And I do have the photographs. My sister was there. Some of the photos I took…yet, I can barely see anything beyond the photos themselves. Whatever I see is more like a surreal picture in my mind.

She died on my birthday. At least…I am told she died. I saw what was supposed to be her body…but it sometimes haunts me to this day. I know she was becoming “inconvenient”. I would not put it past them to agree behind closed doors while pretending to hate each other to me. Two families…warring for her body. It was sick. It was insane. It was my sister.

I will never get the chance to get to know her. Her living…except for the few times in the later years when I finally did meet up with her…is buried deep within. What I do remember makes me wonder if I really want to remember the rest. I don’t know. Maybe I should just create a life with her just like I created a life of my own? No…I want to honor her by remembering the truth…if I can.

h1

Evaluating Connections

September 29, 2008

I’ve been taking a look at my life and at my connections to other people. I think it is time to take a look at what connections are strong and what ones are weak…and why. Which ones build up and which ones tear down…in either direction.

I don’t want to be someone who tears anyone down, even inadvertantly. Nor do I wish to be torn down…naturally. I don’t want to be someone who disappoints others, either. Realistically, though, that is going to happen…the disappointment anyway. I certainly don’t set out to tear anyone, although, that does not mean that someone cannot “perceive” it that way.

I only have so much time and energy and I am realizing that I am not spending enough of what I do have with the One person who means the absolute most to me…or who should mean the most anyway. If time spent is an indication of priorities, then this One does not have the right priority in my life.

That is a lot of what I am working on right now. I have to spend time doing life. There is no way around that. However, I also need to take time with my Creator…Yeshua/Jesus. The more I do that, the easier it gets to make it through life. Notice…I did NOT write “easy”. Nope, life is very difficult for me, especially with my living situation. I just know that, without Him, I am dust. I just cannot do this life. It keeps throwing me too many curve balls and those closest to me are simply not enough to keep me going…not in this situation.

So…back to friendships…to heart connections. Who tears me down? Who lifts me up? Am I tearing anyone down, however subtly or inadvertantly? Am I lifting others up? Who gives me strength? Who drains me? Is there anyone I should try to reconnect with? Is there anyone I should let go of? Who can I best support? Who should I not try to support? Who helps me grow? Who hinders my growth? Who can I help grow? Whose growth do I hinder?

These are some of the questions I am asking the Holy Spirit to show me the answers to. They are too big for me to answer myself, however, I need to be open to receive the answers. I need to be open to whatever those answers are. Perhaps, some of those answers may help to make life less overwhelming?

h1

Being Stretched, PTSD and Letting Go

September 6, 2008

Life can be very stretching. I simply cannot do it without the help of my Creator. I can’t. If that makes me “weak” in some people’s eyes…oh well. I think the strongest people are the ones who are able to admit their weakness. I am weak. I am fragile. I am learning how to take better care of myself.

I am learning how to let go of things…and yes, even people…when trying to hang onto them results in my becoming even more fragile. When I see myself becoming less functioning, when I see my PTSD rising, I need to pay attention. I used to think so many things and people were worth fighting for. Now, I am learning to choose my battles more wisely. I am learning to entrust things and people more into Yahweh God’s hands. I am learning.

My whole life I have been paying the price for other people’s actions…for their cruelty and their abuse. Although no one is abusing me now, I am still fragile enough that I can end up paying the price for the things others do and say. I am learning how to take better care of myself…not in anger…but actually in love. Love for myself and for the other person. Above all…love for the One who made me.

Many years ago, God strongly impressed upon me that He has given me a gift…it is the gift of who I am in Him. I am responsible for taking good care of that gift. I am learning how to better do that. At that time, it meant setting a boundary that would have long lasting consequences. Today, it means continuing to learn what boundaries I need to set and how to keep them.

It also means learning what I can and cannot do. Sometimes, my expectations of myself are not realistic. I need to learn how to know what God’s expectations are of me…not my own…and certainly not others’. I answer to God alone…as will each of us. I am not here to judge another…nor are they here to judge me.

As much as is possible, I want to live in peace with all. However, sometimes it is not possible…and it is OK to acknowledge that. God tells us to live in peace with all so much as it is in our power to do so. I have learned that it is not in my power to live in peace with all. I can be OK with that.

h1

Weight Lifting

August 17, 2008

Today has been a good day. The sun is out. I made it to church and really enjoyed it. My spirits are better than they have been for awhile. I have really been struggling and wrestling with some things lately.

I am not sure I can adequately describe it, but I have been starting to feel almost as if a weight is lifting off my heart and off my soul. I am starting to feel lighter somehow.

Perhaps it is because I am finally coming to the point of letting some things go. I am taking them…and in my mind…I am picturing myself holding them in my hand. I reach my hands out to my heavenly Daddy and give them to Him. I know that He will take very good care of them. I find that thought very comforting.

Slowly, but surely, Yahweh God is moving me forward…one foot in front of the other. One heartbeat after another. I have been seeking Him more and really trying to listen for His voice…trying to understand His ways and what He is saying to my heart. I am grateful that He is always there for me. I love Him.

h1

Victims and Letting Go

August 14, 2008

I am not sure where this is going to go. I am puzzled by something and am not sure how to express it. It has to do with being hurt…and expressing that hurt. It seems that, to some, if you express hurt, it automatically means that you are “acting like a victim”. I guess I just don’t get that.

I mean…can’t one be hurt without being a “victim”? Hmmm…I think I will go look up the word and see what good old Webster’s has to say about it. This is what it says at the online Merriam-Webster dictionary site:
victim

Main Entry:
vic·tim Listen to the pronunciation of victim
Pronunciation:
\ˈvik-təm\
Function:
noun
Etymology:
Latin victima; perhaps akin to Old High German wīh holy
Date:
15th century
1: a living being sacrificed to a deity or in the performance of a religious rite2: one that is acted on and usu. adversely affected by a force or agent (the schools are victims of the social system): as a (1): one that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions (a victim of cancer) (a victim of the auto crash) (a murder victim) (2): one that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment (a frequent victim of political attacks) b: one that is tricked or duped (a con man’s victim)

Hmm…I guess that, technically, if someone experiences hurt from some source, that makes them a victim. However, I also notice that the examples given here seem to be pretty serious. So, maybe, it does not really apply to smaller hurts? I don’t know.

I guess another question is…is being a “victim” a bad thing? Hmm…let me restate that another way. Obviously, no one would say that being hurt is a good thing! I guess what I am asking is this:
If a person is hurt…and expresses that hurt…is that bad? Is that playing the victim role? Or is it simply expressing a truth about how/what they are feeling? Expressing their perspective? Is there a “right” or “wrong” in this? Feelings are what they are. Perspectives are what they are. Isn’t it possible for people to have differing perspectives and feelings and yet both be “right”? Or even both be “wrong”?

I guess another related question would be this:
If more than one person is hurt…and they all express their hurt…is only one being a “victim”? Does only one person have the “right” to be a “victim”?

Oy vey, this is getting complicated. I guess it would help to explain what has triggered this pondering. I had someone say that I was acting “like a victim” in regards to something. I am not quite sure I understand what this person means. If we follow the definition of being adversely effected, perhaps everyone involved could be considered a victim? So, if this person expresses hurt…isn’t that also acting “like a victim”? I have to admit that I am a bit confused by all this.

Oh, well. There are some things that I may never understand…and I really don’t think I need to understand everything in order to live a somewhat emotionally healthy life. I think it is important to know what to let go of and what to hold on to. I am choosing to let go of this one. It is too complicated for me.

h1

True and Real Friendships

June 10, 2008

It can really be hard to let a friend go. But, sometimes, that is exactly what we need to do. Let them go, trusting that, maybe…someday…they will return to us.

True friends love through thick and thin. They don’t let conflict destroy the friendship, even though they may need to part for a time. I continue to love and hold in my heart friends that I am separated from. I pray for them.

The separations are due to a variety of reasons. With some of them it is because of their cult connections. They are simply not safe for me to be in contact with. Yet, my heart grieves for them and longs for them. I want to call them or try to contact them. I have at least one sister-friend who I don’t know for sure is cult connected, but something in my spirit keeps telling me to stay away…keeps saying that she most likely is. *sigh*

That is so like the cult…to make sure your closest friends are part of it. It keeps you connected and in contact. Yet, I love them all. I miss them. I know their struggles. I have shared some of their struggles…walked with them…arm in arm. They are my sister-friends and I miss them so much. *tears* One even triggered suicide programming. I think it was an alter that did it, not the host, but even so, I had to separate from her as I was spiraling out of control in my friendship with her.

I do have some friends I am separated from due to conflict…but I will always love them. I will hope and pray that enough healing comes for a reconciliation. But if not, that is OK. I do not consider them to be enemies. I know who the true enemy is…and it is not human.

I am known for my loyalty. Perhaps I am, at times, too loyal for my own good. I don’t walk away from a true friend easily. I can leave an acquaintance and not look back even once; but a true friend…no, that is not so easily accomplished. But I let them go when they need to be let go…with a grieving, yet hopeful, heart.

I do not connect easily, but once I do…it is usually a deeper connection. I think that is one reason that phone connections are harder than online ones. It is easier to go deeper in friendships when there is an in person, or at least a voice, connection. When it is just the written word, it is easier to think in terms of black words on a white page rather than skin tones and warm hands.

Real friendships are ones where we can share the things that bother us…the things that hurt us…even when it is the other one causing it. Real friends listen and weigh things out. They seek to believe the best about one another and don’t presume motive. They ask questions and listen for answers…with open hearts. I value the real friendships I have. They are iron sharpening iron…unafraid to be challenged and not wanting to be flattered. True friends will tell the truth, in love. As one person shared with me…they will put your tag back inside the back of your blouse…the same tag that everyone noticed, but did nothing about.

%d bloggers like this: