Archive for the ‘losses’ Category

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Feeling Blue

July 25, 2009

I am feeling a bit blue today. There are a number of things I could probably point to…but the overriding one…I think…is that I found out today that someone I loved and cared about very much died back in February. No…he wasn’t a cult survivor and his death was not cult related. He had leukemia with other complications. I knew it was coming. In fact, I figured that it had probably already happened…given how long it had been since I had talked with him.

So, I am feeling blue. This man was really supportive of me…of everyone he met really. I believe I have closure…so that is not an issue. I’m just sad…and grateful that I will see him again. It is difficult not being able to keep up with people…but there is only so much one can do in this life without getting bogged down. I feel comfort knowing where he is…and that I will someday join him. That will have to do right now.

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PTSD, Grieving and Broken Dreams Rambling

September 5, 2008

I have not been able to come and write here for a bit. I have had so many things on my plate that it feels overwhelming. It does not help that we are going into a time of year that tends to be difficult for me. September and October are selection and preparation months in the cult for what happens at the end of October.

My mind and heart are just filled with things I need to get out, but I will probably just be ramblings. Writing as it comes to me.

I am grieving over so many things right now. Dreams we had when we moved here that have been dashed and shattered. Struggling to improve our living situation to no avail. Friendships I have had to walk away from due to communication that just seems to fail over and over.

There are times when I feel very alone. I know I am not. I have Yahweh God first and foremost and I have my husband and son. The rest of my family lives very far away. The cost of gas and the time involved with trying to improve our living situation has effectively isolated us from being able to invest in any real friendships…not that I connect very easily to others anyway. Everyone lives so far away. I long for an in person friend to do things with…another couple to get together with. Being forbidden to openly share with some people about our lives and about my past has also hindered us a lot.

We have been deeply wounded since moving here…in ways we would have never imagined. It has also come from sources we would never have dreamed. This is the time of year that I was seeing a therapist two years ago who accessed my programming and used me. Boy did I learn a lot from that one.

The days are getting shorter. There is so much I want to do…and so much I need to do…and I feel so hindered. I miss having a table on which to spread things out to work on. I miss having a bedroom. I miss having a bed that is not also my couch. I don’t mind sleeping on a couch, but this couch has to be folded out into a bed for two…much more awkward. Plus, I have to roll up our bedding every morning to make it back into a couch. So there is the hassle at night when I am already tired and cannot just fall into bed. I also cannot get up in the morning and just go sit in a chair somewhere.

I have always struggled with sleeping on a bed in the daytime and now the bedroom and living room area boundaries are blurred. I am sure that is not helping my PTSD. Neither is the lack of privacy. I miss having the privacy for adult conversations and other adult stuff.

I miss having some kind of room that I can go into when I need to cry…or for a phone call…or to do art work (especially much needed therapeutic artwork). I am constantly stuffing my emotions and hiding what I am really feeling and how I am really doing. It is very draining.

I miss being able to ride my motorcycle. Someone actually asked to buy it and I just cried. I am not selling it at this point. Selling it would mean another lost dream…two, actually. The dream of being able to ride again and the dream of being able to afford for us to go places and have fun on the motorcycles, since it is less expensive. Even if we cannot afford to go do something, the rides alone are great therapy and great fun. I have missed them. This is especially hard when there are soooooooo many motorcyclists around here.

I even miss being able to call my parents to ask them things…or see how they are doing. But that is just not safe to do. I have received no indication that anything has changed in regards to how they perceive me.

I am fighting tears even as I write this. I know that I can trust Yahweh. He never said life would easy. In fact, Yeshua/Jesus said the opposite. I have run into opposition for many things…some of it simply my own humanness…and some of it more sinister. I choose to keep serving and loving Yahweh…there is no other. He is the One True God…the Creator of everything. It is to Him that I take my tears and my heartaches. It is from Him that I receive some comfort and solace.

Well, I am going to wrap this up for now. I will come back when I can. I hope this feeling of being overwhelmed stops soon.

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Losses and Grieving

August 25, 2008

The last few weeks I have been doing some grieving. I am not sure that I even recognized it consciously as that. The last week and a half, however, it has reached such a level that I can no longer deny that it is grief.

It has been slowly building and it now feels as if it is coming to a head. Or perhaps I should write that it IS at a head. My heart feels strained and the last few days have been ones of wanting to cry…a lot.

I am grieving for friends who are going through health struggles, grieving for losses in friendships, grieving for losses in things I was hoping I could do, grieving for those I love who have been hurt and betrayed by those they (and I) love, grieving over incidents past and present, etc. The list just goes on.

Sometimes, it is really hard to know what to do with all the grief. It seems like it is just one more thing on top of another. I cannot handle it all. I have to give it to the One who can…my heavenly Abba. He is helping me to get my priorities straight…and to know what to hang onto and what to let go of. He is helping me to learn how to grieve…in a healthy way.

I always struggle with letting some things out…especially anger. I am angry over some of the things that are causing me grief. This is especially the case when the things that have happened are senseless…when there is no reason they should have happened other than someone was being heartless or insensitive. Then again, how many times have I been insensitive? If I want others to be forgiving of me, I must be forgiving of them.

Sometimes, though, things happen simply out of meanness or selfishness. Those are harder for me to deal with…and, ironically, harder to express anger over. I feel so helpless sometimes when I see what happens to others…and to me…and I feel helpless to do a darn thing about it. I think helplessness, perhaps, makes me feel the angriest.

I feel so powerless to do anything to change anything. People are hurt. They even die…and I can do nothing to make it any better. That is what it feels like anyway.

I think I am rambling here, so I am going to bring this post to a close.

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Disappointments & Perspective

August 9, 2008

Sometimes it just feels like life dumps on you. Disappointments pile up. Lost dreams. Betrayals. Hurts. Sickness. Lost jobs. Lost friends. Feelings of abandonment. It can be really hard to keep a right perspective about things.

I guess one of those right perspectives is that everyone goes through stuff. There is nothing that I can experience that someone else…in fact many someone elses…have not also gone through. Sometimes it seems like there is an inequality about how much stuff gets dumped on us. It seems like some people get a whole lot more than others. But is that really true? I don’t know.

I do know that there can be many things that we don’t see on the outside. There can be many pains and hurts and burdens that only the person going through it really knows about.

I seriously doubt that there is anyone who has not felt the sting of being hurt by a friend…or who has not been disappointed by a family member. Who has never lost a job? Or never gotten sick? There are some who have never felt the sting of the death of a loved one…but I daresay that most of us have, especially if we are “older”. Some, sadly, have experienced that at a very young age.

I need to keep my trials in perspective. I am not being beaten…currently. I am fairly healthy…as in I have no life threatening or serious persistent health problems. I am not starving…I have food to eat. I have shelter…I am not living in a cardboard box or under an overpass…or in a refugee camp. I am not being tortured or raped for my spiritual beliefs. Hmmm…maybe I don’t have it so bad after all?

There are hurts in life. Everyone has them. I must learn to work through them and move on. I don’t know if that is more of a challenge than it is for most folks because of what I have gone through as a survivor…or not. I guess we can all struggle with letting go of things.

I know that, for me, I am challenged right now to work through something. It is one of those situations where I don’t know if I can fully delve into the deep emotions connected with this until I move away from the whole place where it happened. Right now, I have to stay connected to that place and I think it is making it harder for me to work through it.

However, I won’t give up trying. I need to work through the anger. Those deep emotions keep getting triggered inside…bringing tears to the surface. I need to work through this so that a root of bitterness does not grow. I don’t want to hate…yet I feel the anger pushing to the surface and I find myself tempted to say “I hate”. I really don’t want to go there. I want my heart to be free…not locked in a prison of hatred and bitterness.

Nope…I don’t want to go there. I must find a way to work through…and truly forgive.

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Expressing Anger

August 6, 2008

It feels as if it has been forever since I have been able to come here to write. There are some things that have kept me away from my keyboard. The last few days I have been thinking about anger. What do you do when you cannot safely express anger at the offending person?

I would really love to hear others’ thoughts on this. You can comment anonymously.

I had something happen early in 2006. It was an incident that scared the heck out of me. I was backed into a corner, figuratively speaking, and interrogated for about an hour. I am proud of how well I did. I held my own pretty well. However, I had to use restraint for fear that it might cost someone else his job.

It was terrifying, angering, triggering. I still see the person who did this, on occasion…not by choice. Life circumstances bring us together, along with the woman who was also there when it happened. It is usually from a distance within a group and there are polite exchanges, nods and smiles…all very innocuous…as if nothing had happened.

I am pretty sure that they…both him and her…were afraid of my diagnosis. I wish they had asked me about it. Instead they asked someone behind my back. Grrrr! Even if the end result had been the same, it could have been handled differently.

Sometimes, I picture in my mind going into his office, and bringing her in, too. I want to tell them I forgive them, but to please not do that to anyone again. I was treated as if I were a criminal trying to hide something. I was made to feel as if I had been deceptive.

Other times, I want to corner him and really lay into him. How dare he treat me like that! I want to tell him what I really think…that he may be cult and that he is not fooling me and a whole host of things that run through my head. Obviously…that would NOT be a good idea to try out for real!

The other person was also accused of hiding something, but he managed to keep his job. What were we “hiding”? My cult background. There was nothing to disclose! It made no difference. It did not effect my ability to do what they asked me to do there. The group was not in any danger. Yet, it did not matter. I lost. I lost something that I was really feeling good about doing…all because someone there got wind of my background and got scared.

I cannot go to them and express my anger over what happened, although, in my mind, I sometimes do. So, what do I do with it? I will do fine for a while. Then something triggers it to the surface again and I find myself making comments of a type that I really don’t like to think of as coming from my heart. I realize that there is something still in there.

I do not want a root of bitterness to grow within me. I have chosen to forgive and, every time it comes up, I say it again…”I choose to forgive him/them.” It is mostly him because I think she just pretty much followed his lead. I forgive her for following him. I forgive the group for giving him so much power and authority.

Overall, I believe in the group they work for and don’t want to make waves for the group or friends who work there. Still, I am left with this anger and hurt that keeps coming up. The PTSD part of it at least is gone…other than the anger that sometimes gets stirred up. When it first happened, the PTSD was awful. It had just finally started to settle down from something else when this happened.

So, what do I do with this anger? How do I express it? That is what I think I need to work on now. I would love to hear from others what their thoughts are.

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"Don’t Know What to Think" or "Losses vs. Changes"

June 18, 2008

I really don’t know what to think. During some recent events, I had someone that I had previously trusted very deeply write some things to me that really caught my attention. There was something about the wording that “felt” almost as if this person were trying to tap into my programming on some level. I truly doubt that it was a conscious thing. Nonetheless, I kept getting that feeling.

As I looked at what was happening…the circumstances surrounding the “conversation”…there were things that just were not adding up. There were things that were not making sense. I am sure that it did not help that I got a dream later on where there was an element in the dream that seemed to relate a bit to what it felt like this person was trying to do.

I hate to think it, let alone write it, but I have to admit that I am a bit wary of that person now. It is someone I have loved for a long time…and considered to be a friend for a long time. I still love this person. That will not change. I would like to think that we are still friends, however, I would say that the nature of our relationship has changed to the degree that I am not sure that “friend” is a label that still applies. That would have to come from both sides and since there is no communication going on right now…well, that does make it kind of difficult for it to be anything.

I guess you could say that I am going through a kind of grieving right now. There are huge changes in the air and I am facing even more “losses”. So, I am feeling the loss of what I thought was a friendship, as well as some possible future losses.

In reality, I really should think of it just as changes…not losses. However, it “feels” like losses. Life always brings changes…all kinds of changes…including changes in our connections with others. New ones come in…old ones move on. My connections with more than one person have changed recently…for different reasons. Some of it is just the natural course of life. Some of it is from choices…theirs or mine or both. Some of it is necessary. *sigh*

One thing never changes…Yahweh. His love is constant. His presence is constant. I cannot hide from Him…nor can anyone else hide me from Him. He is always there…loving me…even when I struggle to love myself…even when I struggle to receive love from others…even when others struggle to give love to me. He is always there.

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