Archive for the ‘love’ Category

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Cruelty and Healthy Boundaries…

September 17, 2010

What my mother has done is cruel. I keep trying to empathize and to understand her pain. But not matter how much I empathize…no matter how much I forgive…it still hurts like hell. I am the unwanted daughter. I did not step up to the plate. I did not take over. I stepped out of line. I left. I have no desire to be a princess other than in the One True Creator God’s kingdom.

I will never live up to her expectations. Her expectations (and his) lead to death. I have chosen a different path. If they do not want me…they can forget my son. I was actually willing to let them talk to him on the phone, but if they don’t want me…forget it. That is not being selfish…it is being real. It is not being vindictive…it is setting boundaries…healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are not OK in the cult. My whole life I had no boundaries. I did not know where I ended and other people began. I was trained to be a chameleon…to anticipate others needs/wants. Those in the cult who knew the trigger words and actions could get anything they wanted. NO MORE!!

I was accessed by a “Christian” therapist after we moved here. He had experience with cult clients. Little did I know that he was not only cult himself…but that we had met many years ago. It ends here…and now! I will not kowtow to my parents. I will not kowtow to anyone but my Lord…and He does not ask me to. He lifts my head to look into His eyes so that I can see His healing love.

I hurt. I am angry. I do not deserve to be treated this way. Even IF I had been the worst daughter on the planet…rather than simply and imperfect one…I do not deserve this. I have reached out via email for a year and a half. It has gone nowhere. I tried. My conscience is clear. I have done what I can. It is their loss. They can blame me all they want…but they have a part in this. I am an adult. I will not submit to them or to their control. I will not go back to the way things were.

So I will continue to mourn what was and I will mourn what never was. I will mourn the dream of having a somewhat regular family. I will keep my heart open until there is nothing left…and at that point…I will mourn for what will never be. I have dreams. I have always had dreams. Many of them are just broken dreams…turning to dust beneath my feet. Oh, well.

I have survived. I will survive. Nay…I will thrive! In spite of how hard my life is right now…I have more freedom than I ever did living under their control. The Creator has given me the gift of who I am…all of me. I am His…and no one else’s…no one’s.

I hope we can make peace before she dies…same with him. But if it does not happen…I refuse to beat myself up with guilt that is not mine.

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Some Quotes…

May 2, 2010

The Vague Collective…on their blog “The Search for Clarity” has three quotes that I really like. Well…actually she has more than three, but these three are what I want to share right now.

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” – E.E. Cummings So true. It seems like there are so many out there trying to mold us into what they want us to be…which may be entirely different from who we really are. hasatan in the garden tried to mold Adam and Eve into something they were not. His attempts brought sin into the world. He is still trying to mold us. Our parents tried to mold us. Our abusers tried to mold us. Bosses, neighbors, siblings, teachers, etc. …all tried to mold us.

There is only One I want molding me…the Creator of the universe. I want His Ruach/Spirit dwelling within me to mold me. I want Yeshua/Jesus to mold me through what He did for me. I want my heavenly Abba/Father to mold me into the image of His Son…who is an image of Him. I don’t pretend to understand it all. In fact, the more I learn, the more I realize I do NOT know or understand. But I do understand this…Yeshua took on all of my blow-its…all of my ugliness…all of my failures and sinfulness. He paid the penalty so that I would not have to. He opened the door to forgiveness…and freedom. He kept me alive. He keeps me alive. So much of my healing comes from and through Him. He holds me together when I cannot take another step.

As hard as it is…I like being molded into what He created me to be…the me I really am.

“You don’t have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.” – C.S Lewis   I really like this. I am not my body. And just as I am not my body…I am also not the things I have done…or the things that have been done to me. I am a Soul. That Soul is unique to me…it makes me who I am…different from every other Soul that has ever existed. My Soul is eternal. My body will fade away…just as my past will fade away…and all the things I have done or that have been done to me will fade away. I am a Soul! I have a body. I like that.

“Love means to love that which is unlovable; or it is no virtue at all.” – GK Chesterton (…and that includes usselfs!)  I agree with Chesterton and I agree with the Vague Collectives add-on. Love that comes easy isn’t really a virtue. There are times in my life that I have not been very lovable. I am so grateful for those people who loved me anyway. They are the truly virtuous ones!

Thank you, Vague Collective, for these quotes!

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Feeling Blue

July 25, 2009

I am feeling a bit blue today. There are a number of things I could probably point to…but the overriding one…I think…is that I found out today that someone I loved and cared about very much died back in February. No…he wasn’t a cult survivor and his death was not cult related. He had leukemia with other complications. I knew it was coming. In fact, I figured that it had probably already happened…given how long it had been since I had talked with him.

So, I am feeling blue. This man was really supportive of me…of everyone he met really. I believe I have closure…so that is not an issue. I’m just sad…and grateful that I will see him again. It is difficult not being able to keep up with people…but there is only so much one can do in this life without getting bogged down. I feel comfort knowing where he is…and that I will someday join him. That will have to do right now.

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Life Is Hard Enough

January 30, 2009

Life is hard enough without having people make assumptions about you. How many times do we make assumptions about the people we meet? How many times do we presume to know what they are thinking or feeling? To know where they are coming from? I wonder how many blessings we miss out on because we don’t allow others to simply be themselves.  I hate to think of how many times I may have done that to others.

We all come from different places…yet we also all have some similarities. All of us were created by the same God…Yahweh. All of have to live life and, at some point, we will all leave this life. All of us have been hurt by others in one form or another and all of us have hurt others in some way.

We live in a fallen world and life is tough enough to live. We need to love and support one another…not poke fun and take advantage of. We need to receive compassion and we need to give compassion. We don’t need labels and name calling. Let us love one another with the love of our Creator.

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Heart of Stone

July 3, 2008

I hate doing hard things. But I am willing to do them and, with Yahweh God’s help, I do actually do them. Some seem to think, though, that my doing of hard things must mean that I have a heart of stone. That I have no feelings. Or that I do not care about others.

Well, one thing I have learned is that I cannot change others’ perspectives. Nope. It is just not possible. I can speak the truth as best I can; but ultimately, they will believe what they choose to believe. Sadly, that may be based more upon what is convenient and less upon the actual truth.

Truthfully, that hurts! It hurts to be shut out by those I love. It hurts to be pushed away from someone I was loyal to…someone I defended…someone I stood up for.

It also hurts to try and communicate with someone and have them respond to things I never wrote while ignoring some of the things I did write. It hurts to be accused of doing the very things that person is doing to me. It also hurts to have someone I trust write things to me that seem almost as if they are deliberately trying to trigger me. And it hurts to be pushed away by someone I stood up for and remained loyal to.

Why do all these things hurt? Well…some of it is how I feel myself. I won’t deny that. However, there is something much bigger going on. Each one’s behavior reflects things they are experiencing and going through. So, I also hurt for them. Yeah, there is a part of me that wants to be angry for myself…oh poor me. But what I am experiencing is nothing compared to what they must be having to live with.

Each one of us is the way we are for a reason. Good things have happened. Bad things have happened. They all impact us. They all contribute to us being the way we are…to our reacting to things the way we react. So…are we just automatons? Is there no hope of being changed? Of being able to see truth and learn new ways to respond to things? I believe there IS hope.

For me, the key to being changed is to allow Yahweh God to change me. I cannot change myself. I can make decisions to change. I can take steps in that direction. I can even accomplish quite a bit at times. However, there are some things that I simply cannot change.

The really deep, hard things…I must have help with. I must have Yahweh’s help. He sent me His Son, Yeshua/Jesus, as my first line of help. Then He sent His Spirit to live within me as another help…a huge help. He also sends me the information I need and the people to walk alongside of me…to help support me.

Ultimately, though, He is the One who changes me. I must co-operate…but He does the changing. He does for me what I am unable to do for myself. He is the helper of the helpless and there are so many areas in which I am helpless.

Yahweh God is my only real hope.

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Hard days

May 14, 2008

This is one of those days when I just want to cry. There are people I love…but I don’t think they will ever know it. They will never see the tears I shed over them. They will never see how my heart breaks over their woundedness and how much I care about them.

I had a friend recently point out to me that loving someone has nothing to do with agreeing with them. Loving someone does not mean that you do not say hard things to them. That friend was so right.

Oh, how I have wrestled with not wanting to say hard things to those I love…and yet, sometimes I simply must. I simply have no choice. And saying those hard things does not mean that I do not love them. In fact, sometimes I say the hard things because I love them!

I wish that I was perfect…that I could do and say everything perfectly! I wish that all my interactions could be done well…with just the right words. And how I fail so miserably! I am feeling that failure now. And I want to cry.

It almost seems as if I don’t know how to convey my heart anymore. Although, if I listen to one person…I get the idea that I have not been conveying my heart very well for a while. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I certainly never set out to hurt anyone. But, I do hurt others. In my own woundedness…in my own humanness, yes, I can hurt others. But it is NEVER my intention to do so.

I am faced with trying to think my way through whether or not I should just shut up entirely. But, somehow, keeping my relationships on a superficial level is just not for me. If I am going to do that…why have them at all? I want deep friendships! Friends who will say hard things and hear hard things. It does go both ways.

But, above all, I want friends who love. Sometimes love is really hard to hear…difficult to convey…especially in the written word. I wish I was better at it. The messages I have been getting lately cause me to wonder. They are mixed. Some really get the love I have for them. Others are saying the opposite. So, I wonder, what is truth? Maybe both are! Maybe it has to do with how others “hear” me. Or it has to do with different personality mixes. I don’t know.

I just know that this is one of those days when I want to cry.

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