Archive for the ‘mistakes’ Category

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Fragility, PTSD and Stupidity

August 20, 2008

There are things that I really hate about me. Fragility is one of them. I hate feeling so breakable…so dang fragile. That is how I feel when I see an email coming in and my heart starts racing, wondering what I am going to face within it. I hate not wanting to read it.

I hate feeling like I must read it…when I am fearful of what I might find in the words. It is hard to walk around with questions. It is hard to walk away, wondering what positive thing I might have missed because I was fearful of seeing something negative. So my mind and heart start tossing the possibilities around and my body starts to shake. I hate that my PTSD can sometimes get stirred up so easily. It makes it so much harder to deal with anything.

I am so tired of feeling like I am finally getting things calmed down inside…settled and stabilized…and all it takes is an email notification to set everything off again. It makes me want to block emails. Yet, I cannot really do that, either. I am, forever, the optimist…always hoping that things will work out. Maybe I am just plain stupid? I don’t know. Is it dumb to keep hoping? and praying? Am I a glutton for punishment? Maybe I am masochistic? I don’t know.

My thoughts and feelings whirl around inside. Wondering. Hoping. Fearful. Everything gets all stirred up. Will there be a blast of anger? Will there be an olive branch? Will there be more tearful hurts expressed? Will there be some sort of understanding? Will it look as if it is a response to something I did not write, do not believe, etc.? Will what is written lift me up? Or slam me to the ground? Do I take a chance on reading it? Do I take a chance on not reading it?

I hate being stuck between two hard places. I hate having to decide whether to read or not. I hate facing another possible misunderstanding that I know I just cannot fix. I give up. If that makes me weak…OK. If that makes me a quitter and a runner…OK. I can live with that. Even if it makes me a b***ch…I can live with that. What I am only matters in God’s heart. Right now, I just want the shaking to stop…and I don’t want to med up.

I cannot fix things. No matter how hard I try…there are some things I just cannot fix…and I just cannot emotionally handle persisting. I have to walk away…for everyone’s good. I don’t want to inflict more pain on top of what I am told I have already inflicted. I would rather run the other way and leave us all to run to Him and let Him sort things out.

I just cannot keep trying.
I am broken.
I am fragile.
I am at a loss.
No blame.
No games.
Just reality.
My reality.
I just want peace…even if that peace means separation.

I am learning that some things just may not be worth fighting for.
Sometimes…the cost is just too dang high.
*sigh*

Abba, please take this shaking away. I just don’t know how much more my body and emotions can handle. I give it to You…the only One who can fix some things. Please forgive me for trying to fix it myself. Forgive my stupidity and my audacity. Forgive me for going where even angels may wisely fear to tread. Forgive me for thinking that I could somehow set things right. Forgive me for my mistaken sense of duty…and for my mistaking it for loyalty and love. Forgive me for hurting others in the process of acting out of my own apparently misguided sense of what it means to be friends. Forgive me for presuming to think that I know what real friendship is…and real sisterhood. I need You to teach me the truth about all of those things. Please take my tears and use them to water something good. Please make something good grow.

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Making Mistakes/Second Guessing

May 30, 2008

It is always hard to admit making mistakes. I know it is for me. As much as I want to think of myself as being very open…there are times when I still have to be convinced. But once I can see them…I do own them…at least as best I can. There is NO way that I am going to claim perfection in that…or in any other area!

One thing about mistakes is that I find it so easy to second guess things. I sometimes spend time wondering what I should have done or could have done. I know that many people say we should stay out of the “shoulda, coulda” thing. They call it “shoulding” on yourself. But, actually, I think some of that is healthy.

I believe that I need to look at my mistakes and try to figure out where I went awry. Where did I take that wrong turn? What could I have done differently that might have made it turn out better? I think that I need to look at what I should not have done, as well as what I should have done. In that sense, I believe I can learn from “coulda, shoulda” and do things differently next time.

I do agree that too much of it is unhealthy. It can become an obsession in trying to find answers that may never be able to be found. It can end up in beating myself up.

So many things in life turn out differently than we thought they would; and there are so many reasons for that. We may have misjudged a person…misjudged their character or how they would respond. Or we find ourselves being triggered in ways we did not expect. Or we find out that we don’t know all the facts. Sometimes we are missing a very key bit of info that just totally changes things.

Sometimes, when we do get that bit of info…it is too late to change the situation. The ball is rolling and a course of action has been set in motion. I have had that happen to me…and then just not known how to stop the ball because it has rolled too far. *sigh*

There are times when I just feel really stupid. Over the years, I have had to learn to give myself a break. I grew up having to be “perfect”. It was part of the training. Thankfully, I learned a long time ago to just accept imperfection. Sometimes, though, it can still rear its ugly head…that perfectionism. Then I have to watch out.

I am not perfect. In fact, I am woefully IMperfect. I have to accept that I am going to do and say things that are blow-its…and sometimes they are BIG blow-its! With that acceptance, comes the ability to show mercy to both myself and others. I have found that, when I can accept my own imperfectness, it is a whole lot easier to accept the imperfectness of others. I guess it levels the playing field a bit.

None of us is above or below another. We are all on this walk together. Hopefully, we can all travel arm in arm on this journey. As survivors we have tough issues that can make life really hard. I believe we really need to pull together and support one another. We need to learn from our mistakes and move on. I believe that we need to set healthy boundaries as best we can, while always giving grace to one another. I wish I was farther along in my ability to do this.

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