Archive for the ‘Mother’s Day’ Category

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Un-Mother’s Day…Might Trigger

May 9, 2010

Today is Mother’s Day. It is a day of cards and flowers and cute poems about sweet mothers. If you grew up with a sweet mother that is fine. But what if your mother was not so sweet? Or worse…what if your mother was an abuser?

For years…even before I started remembering some things, I would struggle around Mother’s Day. I would read card after card trying to find something that I could honestly give her. I looked for things that simply wished her a nice day. When I would read cards about how wonderful mom was and how she was always there for me, I would just about choke.

I made this today for all those for whom “Mother’s Day” is NOT a joyful day…for those for whom it is a day filled with painful remembering and longing for the mother they wish they had and never did. It is for those who are still trying to heal from the wounds inflicted by their mothers. It is not really meant to send so much as it is to express a truth that you do not see expressed in the greeting card store.

I understand that my mother was wounded herself. I get that. She did what she was trained to do…and so did I. Then, by the grace of G-d, I broke free.  I hope that she breaks free someday, too. In the meantime, she does not seem to want anything to do with me.

This card…although I, personally, would never send it to her, speaks the truth.  I left it as a small thumbnail because it might be triggering to some people. However, if you click on it, you will see a larger image.

I hope that those of you who have been abused find peace. I hope you keep working on your healing and never give up. Don’t let your abusers win! Heal…in spite of them!

Oh…and Father’s Day is coming. I’ll be thinking about that one, too.

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Update…of Sorts…Rambling Thoughts

April 18, 2010

So here I am…sitting here with many thoughts going through my head. I think I will share some here…in no specific order.

It is amazing how my heavenly Abba works things out. I recently reconnected by email with an online friend. Then I went to a webinar. During that webinar (which was excellent, by the way), we had the opportunity to respond to what the presenter was sharing about building healthy relationships with others.

Well, in the process, someone else there really related to what I was sharing. So, I gave out one of my emails…not the one I typically use with the aforementioned friend. The woman I met on the phone at the webinar wrote to me and I recognized her email addy. It was my friend! We actually got to “meet” on the phone and did not even know it because we were using screen names that were different from when we had met before. The funny thing, too, is that we knew each other by at least two other screen names each. Know we have a third! We were both excited to reconnect in two ways!

I am thinking about the webinar I am planning on doing. What artwork will I use? How will I get decent photos of the pieces? What will I share? I am looking forward to writing something up and picking out the pieces. I am excited about doing the webinar and hope I can be ready by August…given the unknown of my living situation between now and then.

I am thinking of mother’s day…of father’s day…of my parents. My “relationship”, which is pretty much non-existent, was part of what I shared about in the webinar. The ball is in their court and I am waiting…patiently…for his eventual response. Truth be told, most of the time I don’t even think about it.

However, Kitty (the presenter) shared something called DARVO. Boy, did that describe my family. D is for Deny, which is the first thing the abuser does when confronted. Then…they Attack…which is A. RVO is for Reverse Victim and Offender. By attacking me, when I confronted my parents, I became the “offender” and they the “victims”. I was “hurting them” with what I was saying. I also related to the fact that Kitty, when talking about denial, used the phrase “I don’t remember”. That is EXACTLY what my father said…”I don’t remember doing those things.” Boy, did I relate.

I am thinking of my my marriages…and the vast difference between the two…and the similarities, too. After all, I was in both of them and I have issues. How my husbands responded to my issues is different. And yet…there are times when my current husband can set me off.

I am thinking about sexuality…but that is a whole other post.

I am thinking about my sister, my birthday and her death. She died on my birthday…while I was regaining cult memories. Her death was odd…the manner, the timing. Everything about it and about what happened afterward was just plain wierd…and had the earmarks of cult.  Why was I stronger? Why did I get out? Why am I free? Is she even really dead? Or do they have her somewhere. So many questions…ones that I doubt I will get answers for before I stand before my Creator at the end of time.

I think about my sister…how young she was…how she was living on extended time as a hard core alcoholic and bulimic. I think about the cult family she was living with and how they treated her. I think about her boyfriend who never married her…which was good in the end. I might never have even known she was dead if his parents could have been able to claim her body. I think of their attempts to manipulate me…and of my parents’ attempts.

And I wonder if my parents think of her…and what they think of her. I wonder if they really even think of me…or is it still all just about my son?

I think about the art I want to do…and have no place or privacy to do. I long to do my art…to get back to processing things…whether by art or by writing…by poetry, journaling or blogging.

It has been difficult to find uninterrupted time in my busy days to write here. I feel as if there is so much inside to write about…and yet it is difficult to actually write. I feel as if I am just rambling in my thoughts…rambling in my brain and rambling on “paper”.

Ah, well. Sometimes it is good to just get the rambling out. Maybe it will only make sense to me. That is OK. I know my online friends won’t mind. They are very forgiving. Perhaps more thoughts of substance will come another time. For now…I will live in today…one day at a time. And I will love the people in my life today…each and every day. They are gifts for a time and I cherish them.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring…what joys or what sorrows…what new memories will be made or what old ones I will be reminded of. I do know Who holds me together and Who will always be with me…no matter what…my heavenly Abba, my Creator. I choose to walk. I choose to trust. Whatever comes with each new day…I will be given whatever I need to handle it.

I hope this post makes sense to others and that it helps someone else. I know it helps me to get things out. I wish I could write more…but I am keeping someone else awake. This is my best uninterrupted time…but it is also not my free time.  There is a weight hanging over me. *sigh* Maybe I can write more tomorrow. We will see.

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More Thoughts on Mothers’ Day

May 10, 2009

Mother’s Day always holds mixed feelings for me. There are many things I regret about the way I have parented my sons. I really sought out to be a great mom. All I had to go on when my first child was born was that I knew the way I was raised was not good. I really wasn’t sure what was good. So, I read books on parenting…and I prayed.

It’s kind of funny how my ex, when we were married, used to always buy things for the boys to give me for this day. He always made a big deal out of it. Yet, he also disrespected me incredibly to them. What a mixed bag. Of course, after the divorce, it all came to a stop…the Mother’s Day stuff, I mean, not the disrespecting. That just kept going.

I love it when I get a call from my older ones, but they don’t always remember to do it. I typically try to just shrug it off. After all, I was no prize of a mom myself. But there are some things I did do. I loved them. I stood by them. While I did not tell them the whole truth, I did try to be truthful in what I did tell them. I didn’t play head games with them like their father did when he lied to them.

And then there is my own mother. How close can we be in a generational cult family? I am in extremely limited contact with her…via email only. I actually made a photo card with wording that I emailed to her. Nothing about Mother’s Day specifically…or about her birthday, which is also close by. But I did want to wish her a good day. I am trying to reach out to my parents, but I am very cautious as I don’t really think anything has changed. I guess I mostly just want them to know that I am not totally closed to them…should they actually wake up and desire some healing. I don’t know…it is rather mixed up for me right now. I just want to do what’s right…what is honorable…without compromising my safety. That is not always an easy thing to determine.

So, I will just keep praying and seeking Yahweh for what the safest and best thing to do is according to His will and purpose for me here on this earth. I have seen Him protect me in supernatural ways. I must keep trusting Him for that while not being needlessly foolish. (Some foolishness, sadly, might come naturally.)

So, there you have it…some more thoughts on Mothers’ Day.  I guess I will always grieve over what I could have had…over what I did have…over what I could have been…over what I have been…over what I wish I could be…over what I am. I will also keep seeking to grow and allow my Abba to change me into what He has created me to be. In the end, maybe I will become a better wife, mother and grandmother. I sure hope so.

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Mother’s Day and Changes

May 11, 2008

This is typically a difficult day for me. There are several reasons. I know it is difficult for many others, too. My mother’s birthday is close to this day and on some years, even falls upon this day. I love my mother. I wish we could be close…but that is just not possible. She is not emotionally safe for me. Neither is my father. And they may not be physically safe, either. I don’t really know. But now that I know what I know…I may be considered a threat to them…at least in their eyes. I wish them no harm. I just want to live in peace with others so much as it is in my power to do so.

In fact, my desire to live in peace is causing me to think about making some changes in my life. I have been sensing that Yahweh has been calling me to do this and I have been dragging my feet. Oh, there is always something that comes up that seems like a good reason to wait. But now I am seeing the folly of waiting. If I am supposed to change something…it is best to do it right away. Otherwise…there just might be some consequences as Yahweh allows some things to happen to nudge me in the direction He wants me to go.

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Working Through Things and Parent’s Days

May 9, 2008

Sometimes it can be really hard to work through some things. It is like, no matter which way we turn, no matter how we look at it, it is going to be hard. There is going to be pain.

I had a flashback last night…totally unexpected…at least the timing of it was. The nature of the flashback was actually pretty predictable…given my family history. But no one likes to remember things that make them feel badly…or that might put them in a bad light. But that is the nature of the cult.

I am struggling a bit to allow the memories to flow freely. That is always a challenge. I know that I could not face the hidden memories without Yahweh’s help. Nope…just could not do it.

This coming weekend is Mother’s Day. I don’t like Mother’s Day. It is a painful day for many and, for others, it is a cop out. It is very commercialized. Ick!

For many, it is painful as they remember lost children, or children they never were able to have. Or as they remember painful childhoods. For some, their mothers were abusive. For some, their mothers died when they were very young. For others, they feel guilty because they know they were not the kind of mother they could have been…or should have been. Some are estranged from their children…through no fault of their own…and this is just a very painful reminder. And for some, it is the only time of year that they are really acknowledged…and this day just rubs in the hurt of that as they wonder how sincere their children are really being.

Some people use it as a cop out. They figure that they are doing OK so long as they at least remember to do something nice for Mom one day a year. If a mother is truly a good mother, she deserves more than one day a year. We should all be expressing our gratitude to good mothers a whole lot more often than one day a year. Don’t do something on one day because it is expected. Surprise her! And, if a mother is a horrible mother, then why should anyone feel pressured to do something nice for her?

*sigh* I don’t know. I just know that I don’t like this time of year. I don’t like Mother’s Day and I don’t like Father’s Day…same reasons.

Don’t get me wrong. There are many unsung heroes out there known as mothers and fathers. They do deserve to be honored and acknowledged and treated special…but it should be all year…not just on one day. And for those of us who are unable to have a real and loving relationship with our mothers (and fathers), well, we should not feel pressured to do something nice for them just because it is “Mother’s Day” or “Father’s Day”.

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