Archive for the ‘multiples’ Category

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Interesting Developments…

September 11, 2021

Life is certainly interesting. My new job is part time, but has elements that can be rather stressful. I did not realize in what ways that might effect me. I knew, having CPTSD, that stress is felt more intensely than with regular folks, but it turns out there are other ways stress can effect me.

I have often said I am totally fine with being partially amnesic. I know enough about what is in there and I am really not interested in going there. What I did not consider is that I am putting a cap on my memory. Even though I am not “consciously” trying to do it, I AM spending energy on keeping it buried. It is happening automatically.

My job runs the gamut from very easy days to very stressful ones. Hopefully they all balance out with the average day being just right. The last couple of months I have had challenges that have made them extra stressful, especially one month in particular. There has been a huge learning curve, but I think I have managed to handle that fairly well. All things considered, I love my job and believe I am good at it.

What I did not consider is that the energy I have apparently been using to keep a cap on my memories got switched over to doing the stressful parts of my job. This allowed some things to start happening. I began to notice triggers and get flashbacks. None of them were the gut-wrenching kind, but they were noticeable nonetheless. Something is clearly happening. It did not hit me until yesterday about how the stress was causing the energy shift and how that might impact my memory burial.

For about a month I have been walking around with a knot in my gut. I felt as if I had lost my equilibrium and was struggling to get it back. Physically, I was doing fairly well. The EBV does not seem to be getting triggered, but I have been feeling tired and as if I was treading water and could not get back to swimming or back to shore. What was up with this? And then it hit me that I had been using energy to keep the memories down and now they were starting to pop up due to the energy diversion.

I very much believe in timing, that things happen when the time is best for them to happen, even when it does not feel like the best time.

This is not just about memories. It is also about whether or not I still have splits. My former therapist, D, tells me it is not unusual to feel as if one is totally integrated or blended and then discover there are more splits. This can happen even after decades. I know the level of the group most likely meant layer upon layer and level upon level of programming and, yes, splits.

For awhile now, I have had soft indicators of there possibly being more parts of me still separate. For starts, I don’t ever remember Dar blending. It is like she just went quiet. I assumed (hoped) she had blended, but did not see it happen like I did with all the others. I love all of me, but admit I miss Dar the most. For whatever reason, she was not triggered by the mom.

Then there are the buried memories. Although one can be integrated and still have buried memories (which I now question), the fact is I have not gained memories with integration. I gained memories with splits being healed and processing, but integration and blending did not bring more memories as is often the case. I have always wondered about that. Why are they still buried? Is someone holding them?

Lately, this has been on my mind a lot more. Do I have children who are holding the horror and need to be healed? I would never want to remain amnesic at the cost of some child part of me not being able to receive the love and healing so greatly deserved. So I have always been open to the possibility of there being more.

Over the last few months (since starting my job), I have been experiencing soft indicators. The sense of “coming to”, even though I was totally aware the whole time. No actual lost time, but still that sense of “coming to”. The triggers and flashbacks make me wonder if someone is remembering. And then there is the eating. I worked hard to lose the extra weight I was carrying and now I find myself eating just to eat. It feels as if I am eating emotionally, but with no real reason to. Is someone “else” eating emotionally and putting the weight back on? (That really needs to stop!)

What or who is holding the memories? I have been longing for some time for someone safe who can handle my sharing what I do remember and the bits and pieces that are also coming up with the triggers. I thought I had someone, but nope. Scared him off before we could even meet. But now things are changing and I am moving forward. Things are coming together.

I have been loosely connected to a domestic violence shelter and group. They have a sub organization that deals specifically with sexual violence, including trafficking. Through that connection, I have come to know some of the women who work there. I now have my own case manager from the sub part of the organization. She knows of a therapist who actually has clients with DID. She is not versed in ritual abuse, but did tell my case manager she believed she could be that person to help me process memories.

I have been meeting with my case manager for about a month and really appreciate it. I have my first appointment with the therapist in a couple of weeks. Yes, I have been nervous. The knot in my gut got worse when I made the appointment. I can sense something is happening inside and truly believe it is time to look at some things. I cannot ignore them any longer.

I also referred myself to a partner organization to get my own coach. I am a peer recovery coach, which is basically a life coach with an emphasis on recovery from substance issues. Although I do not feel I need one for the recovery aspect of it, I do need one for the rest of my life which is getting very chaotic, especially with the job and the soft indicators and the triggers and flashbacks. So next week, I finally have an appointment to meet with my coach and to do an intake for federal level grants. I hear that intake is pretty intensive and we will see how it goes. Can I handle it? Will I even be able to answer the questions?

On top of all that, I had a dream yesterday morning about an attempted accessing. Where that came from I don’t know. A program attempting to scare me away from getting help and moving forward? I would not be surprised in the least. I recently had a very strong program kick in designed to keep me away from support. It caused me to misinterpret people and keep me from feeling connected. It took a lot to break that one. The prior programs were easier to break.

So, it will be interesting to see what develops. Will Dar resurface? Will child parts come forward? I have had a desire to sleep with a stuffy. Where did that come from? There is a tiny little stuffy bear I used to be able to carry in my purse. I have not seen it for years. All of a sudden I keep seeing it in my mind and it is frustrating. I keep feeling as if I should be able to put my hand right on it, but I have no idea where it is. Did I give it to some child who needed one? I tend to not think so, but I cannot find it anywhere.

Since I only have soft indicators and nothing definitive of still having DID, I have decided to proceed as if I still do. I talk to my system (in case any part of me is still separate). I plan on getting another tiny stuffy. The likelihood of finding one just like the bear? No clue. I hope I can find something suitable because it seems as if it someone may need it.

I certainly did not expect to be in this place again, but here I am. It is all in Creator’s hands. I am open and willing to do the work. In the meantime, my bosses know what is going on and they know I am maxed out client wise. I am part time for a reason and they are very supportive of me. I am very grateful. And the knot in my stomach? It went away after talking with my bosses. I still feel a bit nervous, but nothing like I was. I hope it stays that way. I think being clear about the boundaries I need to have is really helping.

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What Is Healing?

March 16, 2013

When I first started out on this last leg of my healing journey…the awareness of DID and the realization of some of what had happened to me (which was an “aha-now I understand” time)…I had an idea in mind of what healing looked like. For me, it meant that my hard work (with G-d’s help) was somehow going to reverse all that had been done to me and there would be a complete merging which I called “integration”. I looked at it like a broken bone or a sickness. I wanted to be restored to the condition prior to the break of illness…or to be made even better. After all, they say a broken bone that heals is stronger in the area of the break and will never break exactly there again. I wanted to be like pre-DID and trauma.

Looking back, I would have to say that I was pretty naive, but not in a bad way. I believed what I needed to believe in order to start the journey and do what needed to be done. There were things I did not yet understand about DID and how abuse affects the brain. There were also implications in my view of healing that I did not fully think through…implications that would later change my view of healing…and again…not in a bad way.

Initially, my goal was simply to work on whatever needed to be worked. If I needed to face a memory…so be it. If I needed to reach out to an insider…so be it. Whether it was writing, listening, sharing, art…I did it. I believed that if I just kept doing what I was doing that integration/merging would occur naturally. It would not have to be forced. And it pretty much did happen that way. As I focused on healing, integration and merging seemed to happen almost seamlessly and without any real effort. Some of it happened in huge chunks during several days I spent with a counselor at her home. I stayed with her twice and through days of prayer and working with insiders massive amounts of integration/merging happened.

Over time, I came to realize that not all of healing is as simple as that. Now, I believe that a huge part of healing is to simply live my life…enjoying it as best I can…and seeing the beauty around me in addition to seeing what is evil in the world. I walk in the Spirit of the Creator, trusting Him to show me whatever I need to see and to help me with whatever I need help with. He has always been my greatest Healer…my best therapist. And He has helped me see that my idea of what healing looks like was very faulty.

I know the Creator can do anything and I believe He could even make it like nothing had happened…but that is not real. Like so many others, I had to come to terms with a childhood I simply never had. It was not just a matter of putting the brain back to how it was originally created. All my childhood experiences shaped and affected my brain. Removing the effects of the negative experiences does not replace them with the positive effects of the good things that never happened!

I also realized that all those things that did happen a part of what make who I am today. And even with all my foibles and what I perceive as “weakness” and “brokenness”, I am a pretty awesome person. I am a walking miracle and I am doing pretty darn good considering all I have been through. So, part of healing is also accepting imperfect functionality.

So…maybe…healing is not about restoration (like a broken leg). Maybe it is more about learning to live as I am and celebrating the me I have become and the me I am becoming. Maybe it is more about giving myself the freedom to enjoy life now…without guilt and with less and less impact coming from the past. It is about accepting imperfect functionality. (What is “perfect”, anyway?) It is about learning not to compare myself to others…not my abilities, my weaknesses or my strengths. Every one of us has abilities of some kind; we just don’t all have the same ones. We all have weaknesses and we all have strengths, regardless of how healed or broken we are. It is about not comparing my healing journey to another’s. We all walk on different paths.

I know I still have more to learn, but I carry one thing with me on my learning/healing journey…one very important thing. I know the Creator of all things and I know who I am in my Creator. I know I can trust Him to continue to lead me. Whatever is ahead, He will help me to face it.

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How a Webinar Is Done…

August 19, 2010

A webinar is an online seminar. Instead of going to a physical place, you sign in to an online site…from the comfort of your own home. That is nice because you don’t have to be concerned about traffic or getting there on time. You also get to have handy whatever you need to help you keep grounded…or to get grounded if something in the webinar triggers you. All those who are signed up will receive an email with the site address and the log in. Via that site, you get to watch the slides used by the presenter.

A second email invites everyone to the webinar conference call. The email includes a phone number with a sign in code. That connects everyone in a single call. Those listening mute their phones while the presenter is speaking to cut down on background noise. There are times given for feedback or questions. Most presenting sites also have call in or microphone capability. Not each site is equal in its quality or features, though. Therefore, Survivorship has chosen to use one site’s call-in software and another site’s presenting software.

So, you receive two emails…one with the call-in information and one with the link for the log-in to see the slides. It is a very interesting experience. Oh…and another thing. There is a side chat window for those who have difficult with speaking on the phone. It is possible to ask the presenter questions there.

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Injury?…

July 4, 2010

Paul recently wrote about injury in the context of DID. My mind is swirling so much that I found it challenging to focus on what he wrote. I wish I had copied my reply before kicking it off.

I was injured…methodically…repeatedly…starting when I was a little girl…although I don’t think I ever thought of using the word “injure”. Perhaps that was because it was mostly non-physical. My injuries were mostly in the “heart” and mind…the internal stuff that no one really sees.

Although I feel very injured…I don’t remember ever putting that word to it. No…I used words like “defective”, “less than”, “not good enough”, “failing” and “broken” and phrases like “what’s wrong with me?” Injured…hm.

So…now I have a question:  Was the DID that resulted from the injury also an injury in itself? I don’t know. It was a coping mechanism…self-defense…a way to survive otherwise unsurvivable horrors.

These are just some thoughts rambling through my brain today.

EDITING IN:

Here is some of I wrote at Paul’s post. It gives an idea of how what he wrote first hit me:

Good vs bad. Helpful vs. hurtful. Needed vs. needing to be discarded. What is DID? As I read your post here I think of how I was so injured
growing up…injured to the point of developing DID in order to “survive”. I still feel injured.

Injury causing DID in the beginning. DID causing further injury later in life as it no longer fully helps and starts to actually hinder real functionality.

Seriously…my brain feels very non-functioning right now. DID? I don’t know. I want to cry. I think the idea of injury touches me deeply. I
have never…that I know of…ever used the word “injury” to describe anything that happened to me in regard to DID or even PTSD. Wow!

Injury. I was injured. It caused DID. Is the DID actually an injury in itself? I don’t know. It seems more like it was the bandage that was applied to try to keep the injury from getting worse.

Sorry…I don’t even know if I am making sense. I want to understand what you wrote, but all I can offer is how it effected me…what I internalized and am trying to share back. I want to cry. What else is new lately?

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