Archive for the ‘openness’ Category

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What Do You Do With Anger?

April 19, 2010

I feel like saying something. I feel like wagging a finger in someone’s face. I feel like getting a bit loud. I feel like yelling. I feel like…what??? I don’t know. I don’t do anger very well. I try to be very understanding, very forgiving. I try to let go of my wants for the sake of others. We give…for their sakes…but they don’t even have a clue how much we give. And for one of them…that is OK. But the other. I need some acknowledgment. When you work so hard to present as “normal”…whatever the heck that is…it is so easy for the other one to forget who you really are…what you really are…who ALL you really are. It has been building up for some time.

So…what, exactly, DO you do with anger? With frustration? With an inability to get to what you feel you need? An inability to do what you feel you need to do? To process all the stuff you have had to put on hold for the last few years. Talk about healing interrupted! I know it is not totally interrupted, but in so many ways it HAS been.

I have grown in the sense that I have actually been holding it together through all of this. Well…I believe it is my Abba who has really been holding me together. Many times I have reached the end of my proverbial rope and it is my Abba who has kept me going…who is holding me together.

I am human. I have feelings…sometimes very conflicting feelings…depending upon the who and the what. Again…something that tends to be forgotten by the very one I most need to remember that. I am OK…but that does not mean that I do not have those feelings to battle at times. He does, too, and even from some of the same things. We each have our stuff. And then…I have stuff for more than one.

I think it is time to remind someone. I am praying about the how and the when. Do I write it?  Do I speak it? And then there is who should write it or speak it? What “voice” do I use? What will be best heard? Best received? I am not talking about manipulation here…I am talking about practicality. Know your audience. Speak accordingly.

Is it hopeless? Sometimes it feels like it is. Some times…it feels as if things will never change.  It feels as if I will always have to hide a lot of myself. I have to accept that life might just be that way. Can I do that? Can I trust enough for that?

Our living situation is going to change…most likely during this summer/fall…maybe sooner. That will bring a lot of challenges of its own…while also opening up some things for me. How will I handle that? I don’t know yet. I am trying to get prepared for both change…and for no change. I really hope that I do not have to face no change.

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Being Open About Myself

March 6, 2008

I don’t sign my name on my posts. There is a reason for that. Who I am is not as important as the message I bring. There was a time when I did not let anyone know who I really was…even on survivor forums…for safety reasons. As I share more of my history, it will become more clear as to why that has been a concern.

But lately, things have been changing for me…inside. I believe Yahweh is calling me to be more open. That is one reason I started this public blog. Yet, I do not put it on the blogger list. You will not find it in a google search; but I do appreciate anyone who puts the link on their page. There are ways to get here, obviously, since you are reading this! **smile** Whoever is supposed to read this blog…will! **GRIN**

I realize that the more open I am about my history and my life thoughts, the greater the likelihood that someone who knows me may suddenly think “Oh my gosh…I think I recognize who this is! Why I even talk to her and see her in person!” Or, “Wow! I recognize her writing. I know her from a forum!” Of course, I have invited a lot of my forum friends to come and read anyway, so they DO have an idea of who I am.

This blog is not really about who I am, though, but more about what Yahweh/God has done in my life. I would not be alive today. I would not be functioning even as well as I do…if it were not for Him. He has protected me in ways that are just amazing to me. I have survived generational cult abuse. And yes, I realize that the more I share, the more there is a likelihood that someone who is active in the cult might figure out who I am. But I figure, the group already knows where I am anyway. I have tangled with cult active therapists, both online and offline. It was very hard to deal with…but you know what? I am STILL standing!!!

Yahweh is my God. He is my protector. He is bigger than they ever could hope be. I will obey Him and write here and trust Him to take care of me and of those I love. Nothing happens by accident. I will trust Him to walk me through whatever comes down the road.

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