Archive for the ‘pain’ Category

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Cruelty and Healthy Boundaries…

September 17, 2010

What my mother has done is cruel. I keep trying to empathize and to understand her pain. But not matter how much I empathize…no matter how much I forgive…it still hurts like hell. I am the unwanted daughter. I did not step up to the plate. I did not take over. I stepped out of line. I left. I have no desire to be a princess other than in the One True Creator God’s kingdom.

I will never live up to her expectations. Her expectations (and his) lead to death. I have chosen a different path. If they do not want me…they can forget my son. I was actually willing to let them talk to him on the phone, but if they don’t want me…forget it. That is not being selfish…it is being real. It is not being vindictive…it is setting boundaries…healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are not OK in the cult. My whole life I had no boundaries. I did not know where I ended and other people began. I was trained to be a chameleon…to anticipate others needs/wants. Those in the cult who knew the trigger words and actions could get anything they wanted. NO MORE!!

I was accessed by a “Christian” therapist after we moved here. He had experience with cult clients. Little did I know that he was not only cult himself…but that we had met many years ago. It ends here…and now! I will not kowtow to my parents. I will not kowtow to anyone but my Lord…and He does not ask me to. He lifts my head to look into His eyes so that I can see His healing love.

I hurt. I am angry. I do not deserve to be treated this way. Even IF I had been the worst daughter on the planet…rather than simply and imperfect one…I do not deserve this. I have reached out via email for a year and a half. It has gone nowhere. I tried. My conscience is clear. I have done what I can. It is their loss. They can blame me all they want…but they have a part in this. I am an adult. I will not submit to them or to their control. I will not go back to the way things were.

So I will continue to mourn what was and I will mourn what never was. I will mourn the dream of having a somewhat regular family. I will keep my heart open until there is nothing left…and at that point…I will mourn for what will never be. I have dreams. I have always had dreams. Many of them are just broken dreams…turning to dust beneath my feet. Oh, well.

I have survived. I will survive. Nay…I will thrive! In spite of how hard my life is right now…I have more freedom than I ever did living under their control. The Creator has given me the gift of who I am…all of me. I am His…and no one else’s…no one’s.

I hope we can make peace before she dies…same with him. But if it does not happen…I refuse to beat myself up with guilt that is not mine.

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My Sister

February 16, 2010

My sister had a brave heart. She was beautiful and childlike. She was a fighter who would not give up. She was trapped…caught in an unseen web that was too sticky for her to break free from. They had her where they wanted her.

My sister ran away from one cult family right into the arms of another…but she didn’t know. Neither of us did. At that time, we were both amnesic to our true history.

I wonder…did she ever figure it out before she died? Did she finally remember her childhood abuse…the younger years? Did she remember “everything”…or just the minor “stuff” she used as an excuse to run away?

My sister kept trying…in recovery and out of it. I remember her telling me how she had to fight with the recovery people to get her a counselor. She kept saying she needed one, but they did not want to give it to her…not even in those fancy, high class, expensive recovery places.

Was it because it was being paid for by his parents? After all…counseling might mean that she would remember something…something important…something damning…about them. Maybe she would finally wake up to the truth about her boyfriend and his parents…the family she lived with. Or…maybe she wanted a counselor because she already had an inkling of the truth? I will never know in this life.

This is the time of year that I especially think of my sister…as her birthday approaches in a couple of days. And I wonder about her death…and sometimes, I wonder if she even really died…or if they have her holed up somewhere. It didn’t look like her. And my father would not leave me alone with her. If he had…what would I have done? I don’t know. We weren’t supposed to touch the body…but I think I would have. It did NOT look like her. I had seen her within the last year.

My father said it did, but he had not seen her in years…so far as I know. But then…it is not exactly like I came from a truthful family. Ha! “Family”. What is THAT supposed to be? Not the caricature I grew up with.

It’s funny how everything seemed to be so good…on the outside looking in. All the memories I concocted about growing up seemed so OK…yet I was so not OK.  Stories my mother told me were woven through my mind with photos from the family albums. Childhood. Sure…that was my childhood…only…it wasn’t.

I remember the day I suddenly realized that it was all a lie…a fantasy. It has been so long now that I cannot remember if it was before or after I realized that I could not remember growing up with my sister. It is as if she did not exist…yet I know for fact she was there…in the same house with me.

So many things are buried in the mists of amnesia with a tiny flash of a snippet here and there that blazes through so fast that I can barely figure out what just went by. Yet…those flashes ARE there. And I do have the photographs. My sister was there. Some of the photos I took…yet, I can barely see anything beyond the photos themselves. Whatever I see is more like a surreal picture in my mind.

She died on my birthday. At least…I am told she died. I saw what was supposed to be her body…but it sometimes haunts me to this day. I know she was becoming “inconvenient”. I would not put it past them to agree behind closed doors while pretending to hate each other to me. Two families…warring for her body. It was sick. It was insane. It was my sister.

I will never get the chance to get to know her. Her living…except for the few times in the later years when I finally did meet up with her…is buried deep within. What I do remember makes me wonder if I really want to remember the rest. I don’t know. Maybe I should just create a life with her just like I created a life of my own? No…I want to honor her by remembering the truth…if I can.

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Rambling Thoughts About My Sis and Dreams

May 3, 2008

I still think about my sister off and on.

I am now to the point of finally being able to look at what our relationship might have been like had we not been in an abusive cult family. What would she have been like? What would I have been like? Would we have enjoyed the close sister companionship that I see others enjoying?

It is not a matter of living in the world of “what if”. I think it is valid to think about how things could have been different and to hope for something better to come. Of course, that something better with her will not happen in this world. I have to wait for the world to come.

So, while I am still here…maybe it would not hurt to imagine what our relationship will be like in heaven. Will we giggle together? Will we “ooh” and “ahhh” over the beauty we see around us? Will we show one another butterflies and other beautiful creatures that we see? Will she run up to me all excited because she has found something she wants to show me? Will I wrap my arms around her and give her a warm and loving embrace? So unlike… *tears*

I’m sorry, sis. I wish I had been a better big sister. I wish I had been given the opportunity to be a better big sister. I wish we had been raised in a different family and environment. I wish…

But wishes mean nothing. They are just old dreams that fall to the ground like dead leaves in the Autumn. They are nothing…only meant to be trampled into the ground where they will rot away into nothing. Yet, even in the rottenness, they fertilize and feed a new generation…one that will have nothing to do with the dreams that could not be. They will be encouraged…and spurred onward toward living their dreams…real dreams…dreams that are possible because they are not “cult”.

Those are my rambling thoughts today.

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Darkness to Sunshine to Darkness

April 17, 2008

Yep, the sun is shining outside. It is a beautiful day dawning.

Yet, I can feel the darkness closing in again..inside. The pain is back. Oh, well. I wish the sunshine had lasted longer, but at least I did get some much needed warmth and light! Yep…that is me…always trying to see the positive side of things.

Most of the time it feels as if I am living in shades of gray…like the twilight times of day…with periods of darkness…like the night. Oh, the sun does peak out for moments at a time. It is not that I never experience times of joy and light. It is just that those times are sporadic and short lived.

The twilight always comes back and with it…the darkness eventually comes in like a flash flood. There is rarely a warning…it just hits with sudden force…knocking me flat. It is in those times of intense emotional pain that it feels the darkest. It is in those times that the struggle is the greatest. It is in those times that I am even more grateful for Yeshua/Jesus. I can honestly say that, if it were not for Him in my life…if it were not for Him holding me close to His heart…I would not be able to live this life. It is only through His Spirit that I can get through this. I am so thankful to be a daughter of Yahweh…so thankful that I belong to Yeshua.

Life is hard. I am not going to pretend it is not. That is not what being a follower of Yeshua is about. In fact, He told us that we would have trials and tribulations, especially if we are His followers. I have seen that in my own life. Yet, I love Him and, with His strength, I will never give that love up.

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My Heart Hurts

March 19, 2008
My


heart


hurts!


What more can I say? Some days, my heart just plain hurts. That is life. There is nothing to do but to turn to my Abba and ride it out. I know that His love for me is beyond incredible. That does comfort me, but it does not take away the pain.

So, I will wait upon Him and ride it out. I know in Whom I have believed and He has promised to never leave or forsake me. He is here with me now and will help me through this! He is faithful and true!

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