The Puppet Master

Who are you and who am I?
You worked so hard to blur the lines
to splinter me into a thousand pieces
and, yet, become one with you.
You! Who are you?
Who the heck are you?
Do you even know
as you do your master's bidding?
I feel the pain inside me
wanting to come out,
but that is not all I see.
I also see the pain inside you,
the pain you try to hide
behind, "I don't remember doing that".
You triggered my programming
every chance you got.
You pushed me hard to make me break
in order to keep you safe.
You never could get that I did/do love you
in spite of all you have done.
I know you are broken.
Do you?
Are you as painfully aware of your brokenness 
as I am of mine? 
Or am I the first generation?
I have prayed for you to find freedom
as I have done,
for your bonds to be released
as mine have,
for your heart and spirit to heal
as have mine.
I am not there, yet, 
and won't be until the end.
But I am not what I was.
I am no longer a puppet
to be used for their purposes,
for your purposes.
You cannot pull my strings anymore
for they have been cut,
severed,
burned,
gone!
I no longer respond to the cues,
to the unspoken (and spoken)
requests hiding behind your (and their) words and actions.
No more acts.
And though I'm still not fully healed
from the blood that was shed
or the acts committed
I will continue to grow.
I am strong in the Creator,
not the one you tried
to make Him out to be,
the real One.
All glory to the One True God!

The Puppet Master

Who are you and who am I?
You worked so hard to blur the lines
to splinter me into a thousand pieces
and, yet, become one with you.
You! Who are you?
Who the heck are you?
Do you even know
as you do your master's bidding?
I feel the pain inside me
wanting to come out,
but that is not all I see.
I also see the pain inside you,
the pain you try to hide
behind, "I don't remember doing that".
You triggered my programming
every chance you got.
You pushed me hard to make me break
in order to keep you safe.
You never could get that I did/do love you
in spite of all you have done.
I know you are broken.
Do you?
Are you as painfully aware of your brokenness 
as I am of mine? 
Or am I the first generation?
I have prayed for you to find freedom
as I have done,
for your bonds to be released
as mine have,
for your heart and spirit to heal
as have mine.
I am not there, yet, 
and won't be until the end.
But I am not what I was.
I am no longer a puppet
to be used for their purposes,
for your purposes.
You cannot pull my strings anymore
for they have been cut,
severed,
burned,
gone!
I no longer respond to the cues,
to the unspoken (and spoken)
requests hiding behind your (and their) words and actions.
No more acts.
And though I'm still not fully healed
from the blood that was shed
or the acts committed
I will continue to grow.
I am strong in the Creator,
not the one you tried
to make Him out to be,
the real One.
All glory to the One True God!

A Poll For You Regarding My Poetry…

I have never done a poll before. I hope this turns out alright! My poetry blog can be here.

 

Formatting Poetry…

I wrote to WordPress Support about formatting poetry. A really nice guy named Jose got right back to me! He gave me this link for getting those alternating indenting lines. Here is the link he gave me: Writing and Formatting Poetry

The poetry formatting page tells me to use the “Preformatted” setting on the drop down menu. I was able to get it to work, but I really need to play around with it a bit more to see what all it can do.

Then I asked him about font styles. He sent me these two links to explore with: Typetester and Font Size and Color. Typetester shows what fonts look like. It will even give you CSS coding…which, of course…does me NO good since I am clueless when it comes to CSS.

Font Size and Color works with HTML and the options already present on our editor. That is a bit more workable. However, don’t expect anything fancy over on the poetry page just yet. So far, my experience with font style is that I have to add HTML for every single paragraph! And how much do you want to bet it will be every single line if I indent? Yikes! (Actually…I have no idea. Perhaps, it WILL be easier. I sure hope so!

I will have to play and experiment…when I have time…something which is in limited supply right now.

More Poetry and Art Up…

I have been adding more and more art pieces here: A Survivors Healing Art.

Then I decided to put up a couple more poems, too, here: A Survivors Poetry I have been neglecting my poetry blog, but would like to get some more poems up. I have so many of them.

I Have Decided…

I am thinking of going through my art blog and putting my art pieces in date order. That means that I will be inserting some of them. When I do, though, I will post here with the links so that people can find the new ones. Actually, what I will probably do is post them in the current and then change the posting date to get them in order. I don’t know. Do I sound confused? *laughing*

Anyway, I put up another piece of art and some poems. 1730 — Betrayed

As I Lay Me Down to Sleep

For Me…For Him

Who Gets Me Through?

I wonder of I should put my poems in date order? Any thoughts?

More Poetry…

I put up a couple more poems on my poetry blog: A Survivor’s Poetry. You can also find the link in the right hand sidebar. I will try to put up more as I can. My main focus right now, though, is working on my art webinar presentation.

About the theme…and other stuff…

OK…the other theme was driving me nuts. I could not get the background light enough without washing out some of the text…and I could not adjust the color of the text. So…I am trying this one out for a while. It is called “Neat”. I don’t really have time to mess with themes any more right now.

On other lines of thought…I started a poetry blog. It has a real original title…NOT! But at least I am pretty consistent! A Survivor’s Poetry. You can either click on the link here or you can find the link at the top of the RSS blog links in the right hand column. I can appreciate that there are some who might only want to read poetry…or only look at art…so, I made a blog for each.

My computer goes back soon. I don’t really like it, but I also don’t like the idea that I might not be to get it turned on one of these days. *sigh* I don’t know if they will fix it or not. One guy told me they will send a check for sure. Another guy said the first guy had no right to say that…that they might be able to fix it…or send an entirely different PC. I don’t mind fixing…but I am not thrilled with a different PC unless it is the same kind or better.

I am tired. I am grieving. This grieving has to do with my ex. Not that I am grieving him…but as I see his family on FB interacting with my first marriage sons…well…I am just so aware of losing not just a spouse…but a whole family. I know it had to be…in my head. But in my heart…it is another story. There is a part of me who wants to say “hello”, but I was so vilified and lied about that I don’t really dare. I have regained some connections…partially…but not all…which is actually probably a good thing.

I am continuing to work on getting my art into jpeg format. The motivation is the Webinar I am doing in August. But this is also good for me…to have all my pieces sorted through and categorized and numbered. The Webinar is being done by Survivorship. I will put a link in the sidebar. The Webinars are being done as a community service and also to raise funds for ongoing Survivorship services.

As for my parents…still no word. Such is life.

As I Lay Me Down to Sleep

As I Lay Me Down to Sleep

As I lay me down to sleep
flashbacks in the mind release.
Pushing forward, images come
as I fight to not come undone.
My body tenses; I cannot breathe,
overwhelmed by what I “see”.
Morphing one image into another,
with silent screams of “no” in my head,
I try to be open to history’s unveiling,
fighting the urge to let the mists return.
But slowly it slips away from me again.
And in the morning I awake
with a new reality like a distant dream.
Is anything ever what it seems?

June 28, 2010

Poem and Filing a Complaint

I wrote this in November, 2009. At the time, I was seriously working on a complaint against KB…the unethical therapist I wrote about previously in my blog. I ended up putting the complaint aside…not because I did not think I could win. Actually, I probably could. I have the benefit that she was not actually my therapist…having had only one phone call with her. Most of my interaction was through her online forum with a few emails. She did things that are easier to prove than if I were actually a client.

No…I pulled back because I figured it was not worth it. At first, I drove myself because I knew others were filing against her. I felt that I had to do this to help keep her from hurting others. I was told that Ross, too, had filed against her on behalf of some of her former clients. Again…I pushed myself, figuring that I would add my voice…you know…weight in numbers.

Then I got to thinking about it. I was paying a price in trying to write it up. It had to be done carefully. I am a very busy person with enough of my own stuff on my plate. As survivors, we each have to learn to protect ourselves. I cannot be a protector for others. I can support them. I can point out what to watch for…which is why I wrote the article on internet safety for Many Voices. The longer version is on my blog starting here.

I want to help others find ways to stay safe…even from unscrupulous therapists…through my blog…through articles…through being here to answer questions. KB will answer to G-d someday for all she has done…just as I will for all I have done in my life. I pray that she gets it together and stops hurting people. I know who I am. I know the truth. So does she and so does G-d. For now…that is enough.

Anyway…part of what I was experiencing, too, was a taking back of who I am. This poem is part of that process.

Flower

I am Flower!

Standing tall.

Standing strong.

Bending in the wind,
but not breaking.

I am Flower.

Speaking truth.

Offering peace.

Sharing hope.

I am Flower.

The delicate scent of my joy
may be temporarily
misplaced by the storm,
but it always returns
to be wafted along
upon gentle breezes.

I am Flower!

Beautiful.

Delicate.

Enduring.

I am Flower.

Blooming.

Growing.

Healing.

I am Flower!

©2009

What to Do With Anger?

I am writing. I have a poem I have been working on that I hope to finish in the next day or two at most. Tomorrow I am busy, but on Wednesday at least, I hope to finish it and give it to the one I need to communicate with. I think a poem might help get the message across in a somewhat neutral way. I hope. It is a “group” effort and I will post it here on the blog when I am done.

For me, I try to use anger as a catalyst. I try to find creative ways to express it…even when I find myself limited by my situation. I can only go so long feeling as if I am trapped in someone else’s schedule…forced to live in an environment that is so not suited to what I have been created to need. It is only my Abba who sustains me/us.

I will keep on hoping for change…and for it to be fairly soon. Right now, there are no signs of anything happening and we have no control over it. We have to trust our heavenly Abba. I know that a few of you readers know who I really am and you can see from what I write in other places what is going on…or not going on as the case may be.

Trust…it is all about trust. A lot of that trust has to do with knowing that my Abba will bring me through this…all of me. I hope to write more tomorrow or Wednesday.

I Feel – Poem

In Triggers and Blow-ups and Talking About Things, I wrote about feeling like I have to hide. The following poem, written in February of 2009, reflects some of that feeling.

I Feel

Trapped. Trapped. Deep inside.
It feels like I have to hide.

The very truest part of me
is tied into a box you see,
always remaining on the shelf,
always covering my core self.

Some are living their lives outside
in a world so vast and wide.
There are others who are caught
in space internal – the land of naught.

A puzzle with pieces you can’t see,
you’ll never meet the whole of me.
With pieces not allowed to show,
I’ve pieces with no place to go.

It feels like I have to hide.
Trapped. Trapped. Deep inside.

copyrighted 2009

never…ever…give up

This was written on January 28, 2009.

never…ever…give up

jump here, jump there,
always play the game
life will never, never,
ever be the same

forget your dreams
forget your heart
just keep plugging along
forget your soul
forget your mind
this life is just a song

don’t be such a dreamer
wishing for something more
you’re stuck inside forever
you’ll never make the score

your wings are clipped
your mind has slipped
you’ll never learn to soar
your life is slight
not wrapped too tight
there’s never anything more

but you don’t have
to believe the lies
they tell you
to your face
pick up the salve
and break the ties
it’s your due
win the race

so take your feet
and stay the course
freedom’s no small feat
stay in the race
run to the Source
you’ll someday see His face

you were made for freedom
despite what they might say
He came to set you free
He came to make a way

so hold on tight
and don’t let go
the day’s not finished yet
He will make right
and them He’ll show
before the Son has set

never…ever…give up!

copyrighted

The Cost of Reality

The Cost of Reality

I reach out my hand.
Can you even begin to see
or understand
how very hard it is for me
to be in your world?

Can you sense the shaking
and trembling inside
as I wonder when and how
I am going to stumble?
When I will say or do
something that
makes me look stupid?
When my amnesia and
abuse effected mind will
trip me up?

Do you realize how hard it is
for me to try and look
“normal”?
To try and look as if I am
comfortable and OK
in your world?

Are you aware that I am not even
really IN your world?
That I struggle in a world
all my own?

Do you know how hard it is
to trust
that you are really
what I see?
That there is not something
else going on?

Do you have any idea
how much energy it takes
to be bravely hopeful
and always vigilant?
To wonder if
your friendship
is the “real deal”
or just another setup?
To be ever watchful
for the cue
that lets me know
that you might be
betraying me?
Or that your actions and words
are only out of
some sense
of duty?

Do you know how much
I HATE
feeling the way I do?
How much I HATE
knowing that I will always be
suspicious…even if only
subconsciously?

Do you understand the
cost
to me when I persist in trying to
trust you?
When I persist in trying to
let you in?
Do you know how much my
not walking away says
about how much I
value
your friendship?
I hope you do.

copyrighted April 12, 2009

I am grateful that I am not consciously aware of this as much anymore. Still, it does come up. It is difficult for me to make real friends in person. Although I am thankful for the ones I do have, my reality is that I still hide much of myself… even from them.