Archive for the ‘prayer’ Category

h1

Gaining clarity–

September 12, 2021

My husband prayed for me beneath his tallit. One of the things he prayed was for me to understand what is going on inside. I believe his prayer was answered.

I am constantly pushing into the “enemy’s” territory. Plus, I am finding new freedom as I push forward in my own healing. The enemy does not like that, nor do all the people who are under his spell.

I have a training coming up that will make me more effective. This morning, as I read the preparatory email, I had the overwhelming feeling there was no way I could go through with this. As I thought about it though, it did not make sense. I have already been preparing my clients that I will not be available that week. I certainly have the smarts and abilities to do the training. I took a similar training to get my current certification. I believe I have resolved my laptop zoom issues. So, what is up?

As I thought about the fact there is no logical reason for my being unable to do the training other than this emotional upheaval happening inside of me, it hit me. THEY don’t want me taking it. They also don’t want me having a case manager, a therapist familiar with DID, and a life coach of my own. They want me ineffective…useless. They are sending spiritual forces against me. Well, tough!

Once I figured out I am under spiritual attack, it lifted. The darkness, when exposed to the Light, cannot stand. It is my constant prayer for any darkness within me to be exposed to the Light and driven out. I also pray against the powers of evil and darkness that surround me.

Thank You, Avinu Shebashamayim, for the spiritual warriors You have assigned to me to protect me. You did not give me the privilege of seeing them, but You did give that privilege to someone else. I am strong in You and in You alone. I have no strength of my own. I only have that which Your Ruach HaKodesh gives me. You empower me to do what I do. I leave the results in Your hands. Thank You for covering me with Your wings. Beneath Your wings I am safe and secure and there is NOTHING the enemy can do to hurt me that You do not allow. And what You allow, You use for good and I trust You to get me through whatever comes my way.

h1

What Can I Say?

November 4, 2008

Well, I made it through October. This year was better for me, but not because of the inside. In some ways it was just as hard…maybe even harder. However, I was so aware of a covering being prayed over me. What made this year better was coming from the outside…not so much the inside.

Yes, I felt it on the inside, but I also felt a lot of turmoil at times. It was just different this year…kind of difficult to explain. I am thankful, though. Very thankful.

I have been told that I have a 7 year old, or is he 8 now, praying for me. He is truly a knight in the One True God’s kingdom. He has a history of spiritual interactions. I am honored to have his prayers. I am honored to have many people praying for me. I sure don’t feel that I deserve it, yet I know that those prayers are being answered. Some of it is in ways I can “see” and I am sure that there are also answers that I do not see.

It is late and I really need to get to bed. Just thought I would put a few words out here tonight first.

h1

Fragility, PTSD and Stupidity

August 20, 2008

There are things that I really hate about me. Fragility is one of them. I hate feeling so breakable…so dang fragile. That is how I feel when I see an email coming in and my heart starts racing, wondering what I am going to face within it. I hate not wanting to read it.

I hate feeling like I must read it…when I am fearful of what I might find in the words. It is hard to walk around with questions. It is hard to walk away, wondering what positive thing I might have missed because I was fearful of seeing something negative. So my mind and heart start tossing the possibilities around and my body starts to shake. I hate that my PTSD can sometimes get stirred up so easily. It makes it so much harder to deal with anything.

I am so tired of feeling like I am finally getting things calmed down inside…settled and stabilized…and all it takes is an email notification to set everything off again. It makes me want to block emails. Yet, I cannot really do that, either. I am, forever, the optimist…always hoping that things will work out. Maybe I am just plain stupid? I don’t know. Is it dumb to keep hoping? and praying? Am I a glutton for punishment? Maybe I am masochistic? I don’t know.

My thoughts and feelings whirl around inside. Wondering. Hoping. Fearful. Everything gets all stirred up. Will there be a blast of anger? Will there be an olive branch? Will there be more tearful hurts expressed? Will there be some sort of understanding? Will it look as if it is a response to something I did not write, do not believe, etc.? Will what is written lift me up? Or slam me to the ground? Do I take a chance on reading it? Do I take a chance on not reading it?

I hate being stuck between two hard places. I hate having to decide whether to read or not. I hate facing another possible misunderstanding that I know I just cannot fix. I give up. If that makes me weak…OK. If that makes me a quitter and a runner…OK. I can live with that. Even if it makes me a b***ch…I can live with that. What I am only matters in God’s heart. Right now, I just want the shaking to stop…and I don’t want to med up.

I cannot fix things. No matter how hard I try…there are some things I just cannot fix…and I just cannot emotionally handle persisting. I have to walk away…for everyone’s good. I don’t want to inflict more pain on top of what I am told I have already inflicted. I would rather run the other way and leave us all to run to Him and let Him sort things out.

I just cannot keep trying.
I am broken.
I am fragile.
I am at a loss.
No blame.
No games.
Just reality.
My reality.
I just want peace…even if that peace means separation.

I am learning that some things just may not be worth fighting for.
Sometimes…the cost is just too dang high.
*sigh*

Abba, please take this shaking away. I just don’t know how much more my body and emotions can handle. I give it to You…the only One who can fix some things. Please forgive me for trying to fix it myself. Forgive my stupidity and my audacity. Forgive me for going where even angels may wisely fear to tread. Forgive me for thinking that I could somehow set things right. Forgive me for my mistaken sense of duty…and for my mistaking it for loyalty and love. Forgive me for hurting others in the process of acting out of my own apparently misguided sense of what it means to be friends. Forgive me for presuming to think that I know what real friendship is…and real sisterhood. I need You to teach me the truth about all of those things. Please take my tears and use them to water something good. Please make something good grow.

h1

Depression…not giving up…not giving in!

June 17, 2008

I have been battling depression for a bit now. Continuing to battle it. I don’t know how long it will last…but I will not give up. I will not give in.

Actually, the last couple of days have been better. I will choose to keep my focus on my heavenly Abba/Father. He is the One who brings healing Shalom.

Thank You, Abba, for being here with me. Thank You for faithful friends who love and accept me as I am. Thank You for being here even when others abandon me…or even attack me. I am so imperfect. Yet, You find ways to use me to encourage others. I thank You for that. I am amazed at that, too. Wow! I am nothing. You are everything…Creator of the universe and deserving of all my love and praise. Thank You for loving me so much!

%d bloggers like this: