Archive for the ‘praying’ Category

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Trying times…

March 26, 2020

These are trying times. No doubt about it. They can also be triggering. It is easy to feel trapped rather than restful. To feel fearful and uncertain rather than resting in the Creator. I am sure some of us have programming that can easily get triggered during times such as these.

It is time to make sure we take good care of ourselves. Know your grounding tools. If you have not already, develop your skills to handle being triggered. Learn to recognize when a trigger might be coming on so you can stop it before it takes full hold.

You can do this. We can do this. This is nothing compared to what you have already survived! Reach out to the people in your life you know are safe. It is OK to be nervous. It is not OK to allow fear to run (and ruin) your life.

My prayers are with all survivors, especially during these times. Use this at home time to read and rest and pray and nurture yourself and those around you. It is still allowable to take walks in most places so long as you keep your distance from others. Enjoy the sunshine and the fresh air. Have a balcony or a back yard? Enjoy them! Listen to music. Sing along! This will not last forever!

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Each Day Moving Forward…

September 15, 2010

I don’t know how much time we have left in this world. I watch it getting worse and worse…and then I wonder…how serious are my problems…really. I do my best when I walk in the truth that this is NOT my real Home. My real Home comes after this world passes away. This is merely a shadow of what is to come…and for some of us…it is a very dark shadow.

Yet…the Creator has come to bring light into this darkness. He has come to bring love and healing…and a challenge. Recognizing who He is and choosing to follow Him comes with a price. There are those who reject Him and there are some who will reject me, also. Some will reject me because I am a broken imperfect person, but there are some who will reject me because I follow Him…because I will not compromise truth.

Personally…I don’t really think that most people are really rejecting Him. I think they are rejecting the caricature and false image of Him that has been taught in so many places and groups. It really makes me sad when I see how He is portrayed as something/someone He is not. So many people miss out on the blessing of really knowing Him because they have never been introduced to the REAL Him!

Another thing that makes a real difference in my life is when I sit with the One who made me…the One who knows me best…the One who became man and gave of Himself for me. That is one of the challenges of my living situation. I have not had any regular time alone to just sit with Him. But then I have to ask myself…how much do I really love Him? When we really love someone…don’t we make time to be with that person?

As I sit here I recognize that I really do not do all I can to spend time with Him…listening for His voice…reading and learning of Him…focusing my heart upon Him…drawing closer to Him. There are things in my life that make it harder to do all of that…things I can do nothing about. I can’t do much about my brain being in a fog…or about feeling a bit dizzy at times. I can’t do much about being unable to focus…about my mind swirling around. However, do I make the best use of the little snippets of time I have alone? He is my Creator. He loves me so much and has been here for me in so many ways. Do I really appreciate that? Do I show that appreciation?

It has been so long since I have lived in a situation that allowed me to spend regular time with Him and in His written words to me. Yet…I do talk to Him a lot. In fact, I am talking to Him even as I write these words. And He does speak to my heart. As I sit here thinking that I am failing to really do all I can to draw close to Him, He just puts His arms around my heart and reassures me that it is not about performance. It is about loving Him…and I do love Him…so much more than I can ever express.

I cannot show my love for Him in the same ways that others can, but why should I? I am not them! I am His unique creation…made in His image and filled with His Spirit. So I show my love for Him in ways that are uniquely gifted to me. Sometimes…loving Him can simply mean that I honor Him by not giving up. I keep fighting. I keep trying to do the right thing…even when I fall upon my face time after time. I aim at taking good care of this body that He has given me.

Hm…I just took a break to fold some clothes before I wrap up this post. I am listening to some beautiful music being played on PBN. Suddenly, I realized something. Sometimes the music in our lives is loud and we are dancing and singing to it. Other times it is a steady stream in the background. We are not focused on it, but it is there nonetheless.

It is the same in my life with the Creator. Sometimes I am focused directly and intently upon Him. He and I are dancing and singing and openly communicating. But oftentimes, He is the spiritual background music of my life…the love that is always there…the presence that is always with me…even when I am not really focusing directly on Him.

I want to have Him more up front in my life. Yet I am also grateful that He is faithful to never leave me or abandon me…even when He is not the upfront focus…even when flashbacks seem more real…even when my brain is too foggy to focus on anything…even when I cannot read His word…even when confusion seems to be reigning.

He is good. He is love. He is my true Abba…and my L-rd. His Spirit lives with me. Because of Him…I can live each day moving forward…even when it does not feel as if I am moving forward.

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What Do You Do With Anger?

April 19, 2010

I feel like saying something. I feel like wagging a finger in someone’s face. I feel like getting a bit loud. I feel like yelling. I feel like…what??? I don’t know. I don’t do anger very well. I try to be very understanding, very forgiving. I try to let go of my wants for the sake of others. We give…for their sakes…but they don’t even have a clue how much we give. And for one of them…that is OK. But the other. I need some acknowledgment. When you work so hard to present as “normal”…whatever the heck that is…it is so easy for the other one to forget who you really are…what you really are…who ALL you really are. It has been building up for some time.

So…what, exactly, DO you do with anger? With frustration? With an inability to get to what you feel you need? An inability to do what you feel you need to do? To process all the stuff you have had to put on hold for the last few years. Talk about healing interrupted! I know it is not totally interrupted, but in so many ways it HAS been.

I have grown in the sense that I have actually been holding it together through all of this. Well…I believe it is my Abba who has really been holding me together. Many times I have reached the end of my proverbial rope and it is my Abba who has kept me going…who is holding me together.

I am human. I have feelings…sometimes very conflicting feelings…depending upon the who and the what. Again…something that tends to be forgotten by the very one I most need to remember that. I am OK…but that does not mean that I do not have those feelings to battle at times. He does, too, and even from some of the same things. We each have our stuff. And then…I have stuff for more than one.

I think it is time to remind someone. I am praying about the how and the when. Do I write it?  Do I speak it? And then there is who should write it or speak it? What “voice” do I use? What will be best heard? Best received? I am not talking about manipulation here…I am talking about practicality. Know your audience. Speak accordingly.

Is it hopeless? Sometimes it feels like it is. Some times…it feels as if things will never change.  It feels as if I will always have to hide a lot of myself. I have to accept that life might just be that way. Can I do that? Can I trust enough for that?

Our living situation is going to change…most likely during this summer/fall…maybe sooner. That will bring a lot of challenges of its own…while also opening up some things for me. How will I handle that? I don’t know yet. I am trying to get prepared for both change…and for no change. I really hope that I do not have to face no change.

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Trying to See

August 15, 2008

I have been doing a lot of thinking…a lot of soul searching…and a lot of praying. It has caused me to look back over the last few months of posts I have made here…trying to see what I wrote with new eyes. I have become aware of the fact that a couple of persons are upset about some things I have written…persons that, as far as I knew, were no longer reading here. It was not my intent to upset anyone.

Something happened a couple of months or so ago that I have written about here…without naming names or places or giving any identifying information. I have written some of my thoughts and feelings and perspectives on it…just as I write my thoughts and feelings about all sorts of things that have happened in my life.

Since I have become aware that at least one of these persons has been continuing to read, and of the resulting feelings of upset, I figured that I really should take a look at what all I have written here since the whole thing happened.

Was what I wrote inappropriate? I don’t know…I don’t think so. If I had identified the persons involved, or made it obvious to others who they were, then yes, most definitely it would have been wrong. Still…if someone is that upset…I need to take a look at it. One can be “technically” right and yet “morally” wrong.

There are almost 50 posts that have been made since it happened. Of those posts, I could only find direct references to what happened in about a half dozen posts. I have not deleted any.

There are about a dozen other posts addressing some other topics. When I wrote about those topics, I drew from all sorts of things I have experienced over the years, including the incident these persons are referring to. So, yes, there are some references, most pretty vague, that consist of anywhere from one sentence to a handful of sentences, within these other topic posts. Even as I reread them, they did not bring the incident to mind for me…other than the few sentences here and there. I know that the incident was not foremost in my mind at the time that I wrote them.

Until the other day, I had not written directly about it for over a month and indirectly only once that I can find. I am saddened that anyone is upset by what I write…especially when I actually wrote so little about it. Unless something happens to trigger my thoughts and feelings in that direction, I see no reason to write about it specifically any more.

That does not mean that there may not be aspects of it that won’t get written about simply because life is like that. One thing overflows into another. There are many common experiences and feelings among people in general and among survivors in particular. It would be difficult to write about much of anything without someone seeing themselves in it somewhere. I often see myself in what others write.

I don’t really know what more I can do.

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