Archive for the ‘programming’ Category

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My Place In This World & Coping with Social Situations!

April 6, 2010

I was reminded recently of a Michael W. Smith song called “My Place in This World”. That song has always touched my heart…for I have always struggled to feel as if I really fit in anywhere.

As a daughter of the Most High G-d, I am secure as to my place in my heavenly Abba/Father’s kingdom…of my place in the spiritual realm. Yet…even with that security, there are times when I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything that I even experience some doubts about that. Thankfully, I do regain my perspective and the doubts do pass.

When it comes to this world, though, to the people around me…I rarely feel as if I belong. I almost always feel out of place…as if I am on the outside looking in.

In The Cost of Reality, I share how I used to feel almost all the time. For a huge part of my life I rarely, ever felt comfortable or a real part of a group.  I hated going any place where there were a lot of people I did not know. I was almost panic-stricken the first day of school every year. I was that way with any new place or any new event.

Now I only feel the intensity of it if I get a particular program triggered. However, that does not mean that I feel comfortable around people and social events. I do…but I don’t. I have had to learn how to work my way around these kinds of things. Otherwise, I would be totally isolated.

One thing I do is try to get to events early. When I get there I try to connect with someone who is a part of the event and even offer to help in some way if I am up to it. If nothing else, I learn my way around and help to welcome others that come. By being one of the first ones there, I sort of make myself a part of what is going on. That does not solve it all, but it does make it a whole lot easier.

If I show up after a whole bunch of people are there…I feel lost. Unless I come with another person, or plan to meet another person there, I will typically feel very uncomfortable.  I will be uncertain where to sit…wondering if I am intruding upon some group of friends. I am very aware of cliques.  It seems like, in so many places, you have families and friends who have known one another for a long time. Where do I fit into that?

So…another thing I do is look for someone else who seems to be alone. The other person is usually grateful that I did and we end up having a rather enjoyable time together. I may never see that person again…but for those few hours we enjoyed one another’s company.  I have had many good laughs at tables where none of us women knew anyone else at the table.

I also try to smile a lot at people…just to see how they respond. They ones who light up at my smile, I keep an eye on. If it seems like they are open, I will walk up and talk to them…and find out if they are alone or not. That helps, too.

Sometimes, I just have to focus on what is going on and go through it. If programming is triggered, that is when it is the worst. I just have to accept that I am not in a frame of mind where I can truly trust anyone. I just need to smile, be pleasant and get through it.

Sometimes I experience an impending sense of doom that I cannot connect to any person or place or event. It is just a feeling I walk around with. That, too, makes it difficult in social situations. I keep wondering if I have somehow blown it…somehow said or done something wrong. I have learned that I just have to ride it out if I cannot find a legitimate reason for it.

So, I have all sorts of struggles with social settings…unless I am in the midst of giving it. Yet…I can speak and sing without too much difficulty. Or at least I once could. It has been a long time since I have done it. In fact, since I started realizing the truth about my history and my makeup I have not really pursued it. There is a difference between being up in front of a group and being down within the group. I had a therapist who was the same way. She could teach a class…no problem. But as a student…she was actually rather shy. It is a matter of being in my element.

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What’s In a Song

April 1, 2010

Vodpod videos no longer available.

This song really touches me deeply. It makes me want to cry. Although my life with my ex was not quite like that, there were times when I was afraid of him. But I don’t think that is quite what it is. I think it is the helplessness…the feeling of being trapped. I have felt that way almost all of my life.

Even as an adult, I felt trapped in my relationship with my parents. Moving out sort of helped…although I did end up back at home…where I felt even more trapped.

Getting married did not help, either…at least not the first time.  I was still trapped. I was still enmeshed with my parents…especially my mother. Of course, I am sure it did not help that my first marriage has all the earmarks of a cult arranged marriage…an alliance.

It was not until my second marriage…my non-cult marriage…that things started to change for me.  It took a while, but he provided a bit of a buffer between them and me. I started to be able to be around them and feel more comfortable…which isn’t saying a whole lot since I did not feel all that comfortable anyway.

My parents could control me so well. Hubby kind of interfered with that a little. It would take quite a few words to describe what would go on between us. It was so subtle and between the lines…not something an outsider would easily pick up on. In fact, I was still in the dark in so many ways as to how they were manipulating me. That is the way of the cult…programming…training. And I had been trained well for my job.

I did break free, though. It was a bit hairy as layer after layer of information came up. It was a journey…a process. It was a fight…and well worth it. My son was my biggest motivator. I was fighting to keep him safe.

So this song…I see a woman who is trapped. She could no more leave this jerk than fly. Just like I felt with my parents. I could not separate from them…not truly…not on a deep level. They had me.

But it isn’t just the video…it is the words, too.  Because of You I relate to hiding how I really feel. I grew up that way. Now I can be more real, but for most of life…even my adult life…I had to hide how I really felt…especially with the ex.

Even now I struggle at times with being open. That is mostly because I just don’t think people would be able to understand the depths of what I go through and what I feel…especially when I get triggered. That is when I hide the most. I am slowly opening up more. It depends on who I am with. And it depends a bit upon who I am, too.

Working on freedom hasn’t been easy. I am still working on it. Healing is hard.  So is being open. Being open is also a gamble. I just keep inching my way there…and then pulling back…observing. Some day…

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Determination and Lies

August 13, 2008

There is another side to determination that I have observed. It puzzles me, but I guess it is a part of the abuse we survived. Some are determined to keep going back to the abuse. It is as if they are locked into it. Why?

I guess a lot of it is the lies we were told by our abusers. They told us we deserved it. I know I believed that one for a long, long time. Whatever happened to me that was negative, I believed that I deserved it…or that it was my lot in life…my destiny. Yikes! I had to recognize that lie for what it was before I could start to walk in the truth that it was OK to set boundaries…OK to say “no”.

Sometimes the programming can run very, very deep. Every time a survivor does try to break free, something is triggered, slamming them right back into things. I know I experienced that, too. I would take those baby steps toward health and someone would say just the right thing to slam me backward. It took years of working through things…of Yahweh showing me what I had to do…every little step of the way…for me to really start breaking free from that. I am so thankful that He was there for me…showing me truth when there was, literally, no one around to show it to me.

I learned that I did not need to keep running back to the things that caused me pain. Wow! What an incredible thing to learn! What an incredible thing to walk through! What a very long time it took to accomplish it. I think I may still be learning that one. Of course, there is a difference between choosing to not walk back into something and running away from it. Sometimes, there are hard things in life that we just need to face and walk through. It can be hard to know the difference between what we need to stick with working through and what we really need to stay away from.

I hope that I will continue to grow in learning about these things…continue to grow into more and more freedom. I also hope that I will never allow something to take that freedom from me. I want to move forward…not backward.

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God is Good and Calling Home

July 20, 2008

Life is good. Yahweh God is good. He is what makes life good. Otherwise, there really isn’t much this world has to offer to me. I see what is happening all around me. Things are coming to a head and we had all better be ready. I mean ready in the spiritual sense because I really don’t believe there is much we can do in the physical.

This world is running on a plan. Evil has a plan, and it will appear to work for awhile. Then it will fail. Yahweh God, who made all things, will always be the ultimate victor. He is more powerful than anyone, or anything, on this earth. Count on it! I eagerly await Yeshua/Jesus’ return.

My family wants me to reconnect with them. Call “home”. Check in. It is not going to happen. If it does, it will be on my terms, not theirs. Until Yahweh God makes it very clear that I am to call them, I won’t. Period. End of subject.

I have just gone through about a month of reconnect programming being triggered with several days this week being the strongest. Well, it did not work. Yahweh God is protecting me. He has shown me His protection, even to the point of sending angels (seen by someone else).

The one time I did get accessed, by a local therapist, it was because I was confused about what I was hearing inside. I saw the danger signs but did not properly interpret them. Still, He was there with me. He allowed me to realize what happened and taught me through it. I am wiser now. He turned it around for my good. Nothing happens without His either causing it or allowing it. I choose to trust Him for whatever happens…good or bad.

Several times He has clearly given me directions to keep me safe. I will keep on listening to Him and learning to hear Him better. If I am taken, He will use it somehow for my ultimate good, like teaching me. He will show Himself strong in me.

I will NOT fear!

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Triggers…Ack!!!

April 10, 2008

It is no fun being triggered. That is a no brainer! I mean…heck…it goes without saying, right?

I feel as if I have been slammed back into my early recovery time. Well, not early recovery as a whole, early recovery as in the alcohol time. I was in recovery for a few years before I started to drink again and then realized that I needed to look at alcohol, too.

I don’t know if it is programming…and music was used for programming? Or if it is just the typical stuff of having had a problem with drugs and alcohol…if it is that “I want to change the way I feel” kind of thing going on. It can be hard to say. I just know that there are certain types of music, certain songs, that just pull me back to a time I don’t want to relive. And Saturday morning, I was in a place with that kind of music…feeling myself getting pulled into it. Along with it comes the feelings, the desires, the draws, the pulls, etc. I feel crazy inside.

I also feel rushed. I have been wanting to come and write, but I have been so busy…too busy in fact. It is overwhelming. And on top of all the busyness, I have been slammed into the past, struggling with some old issues, dealing with sickness in the family, etc. I feel as if what I am writing here is rather rushed… but oh, well. It is the best I can do right now. Ack!!! *smile*

I also feel kind of ticked off at my t right now…but that is a different subject that I am not prepared to get into at the moment. Maybe later when I have more time. It is actually good for me to feel anger. I know that he will be proud of me when he reads the email I sent telling him that I am angry with him. It does not say much…just that I am angry. With him.

Well, I gotta run. Got a lot to get done. I am going to try to get back here sooner.

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