Maybe…It’s That I Contacted My Cousin…

I found a cousin on my mother’s side on FaceBook. It is interesting connecting with her. I have never been close to any family members. We always lived really far away from everyone. I would really like to add her to my friends list. Thing is…she most likely has a cult background, too. There is every indication that my family is generational…on both sides. So…do I just add her and trust that all will be OK?

My former therapist noticed something about when people break free from the cults. For some unknown reason, they find that the breaking free goes across and down…to siblings, cousins and children. So…maybe she is free. She did mention that she had been trying to figure out what issues the family had, but that she could never figure it out…that it was always a secret with them.

Could she have broken free without knowing about her past? Could it be they are just leaving her alone? I don’t know. I have no connection with family on either side. I have no real desire to connect with anyone on my father’s side. I got to meet my relatives on my mother’s side more frequently…albeit only a few times.

I don’t really know how to resolve this. I hate to bring up the SRA. Perhaps I should mention my growing up amnesia and see how she responds to that. I so want to connect with my cousins. Right now…she is pretty much it. Even she does not seem to be close to her other cousins. She was not sure where some of them are.

If it were not for my own children and grandchildren, I would just befriend her. She is being very understanding about connecting in private. I am grateful for that.

Injury?…

Paul recently wrote about injury in the context of DID. My mind is swirling so much that I found it challenging to focus on what he wrote. I wish I had copied my reply before kicking it off.

I was injured…methodically…repeatedly…starting when I was a little girl…although I don’t think I ever thought of using the word “injure”. Perhaps that was because it was mostly non-physical. My injuries were mostly in the “heart” and mind…the internal stuff that no one really sees.

Although I feel very injured…I don’t remember ever putting that word to it. No…I used words like “defective”, “less than”, “not good enough”, “failing” and “broken” and phrases like “what’s wrong with me?” Injured…hm.

So…now I have a question:  Was the DID that resulted from the injury also an injury in itself? I don’t know. It was a coping mechanism…self-defense…a way to survive otherwise unsurvivable horrors.

These are just some thoughts rambling through my brain today.

EDITING IN:

Here is some of I wrote at Paul’s post. It gives an idea of how what he wrote first hit me:

Good vs bad. Helpful vs. hurtful. Needed vs. needing to be discarded. What is DID? As I read your post here I think of how I was so injured
growing up…injured to the point of developing DID in order to “survive”. I still feel injured.

Injury causing DID in the beginning. DID causing further injury later in life as it no longer fully helps and starts to actually hinder real functionality.

Seriously…my brain feels very non-functioning right now. DID? I don’t know. I want to cry. I think the idea of injury touches me deeply. I
have never…that I know of…ever used the word “injury” to describe anything that happened to me in regard to DID or even PTSD. Wow!

Injury. I was injured. It caused DID. Is the DID actually an injury in itself? I don’t know. It seems more like it was the bandage that was applied to try to keep the injury from getting worse.

Sorry…I don’t even know if I am making sense. I want to understand what you wrote, but all I can offer is how it effected me…what I internalized and am trying to share back. I want to cry. What else is new lately?

My Healing Art Blog…

I put my first piece of artwork up on my Healing Art Blog. Not that it is my first piece of art ever…just the first healing art piece that I am putting up. I hope to add more pieces over time.

I am uncertain whether to simply put them up and let them stand-alone. Or…to add notes to them. I could share mediums and methodology. I could share what was going on inside when I did them (if I remember, that is). I could share what I was hoping to accomplish and anything else that comes to mind. Or…I can just let them stand-alone.

I could really use some feedback on that.

In the sidebar on the right is the link to my Healing Art blog…if anyone is interested. I am thinking of starting one with poetry, too. Any thoughts on that? Any interest?

Questions and a Log House

I am going away tomorrow. I am getting nervous. I will be alone…in a rural area. Granted…just down the drive…right before the street…is a family I know. (The two properties are connected in more ways than one.) And the woman who lives with her family in that house knows I am a survivor…but she doesn’t understand what all that means.

I am nervous. I will be away from what is familiar in an unfamiliar place. Yes…I have been there before and have even helped in some of the finishing of the logs and such. BUT…it is not “home”. I am not that familiar. The root of familiar is the same as the root for family. We live with our families. We know our families. We live in our homes. We are familiar with our homes.

Even though I am not really “comfortable” in my little RV…I am comfortable. I know…that sounds contradictory…but familiarity is comforting. That is why children of alcoholics and dysfunctional parents oftentimes end up marrying spouse who are similar…even when they swear they won’t. Their spouses may manifest their dysfunction in some different way…but it is still there.

I am a cult survivor. Alone in a rural area has not exactly turned me on. Then again…sometimes I just have to adjust…and continue to trust the Creator. Yeshua has protected me in so many ways and my location is not a hindrance to Him one bit.

I have my list of things to make sure I bring. I hope I have not left anything off. The most important things, of course, are my laptop and my art pieces. That is why I am going there. But I know it won’t be the sum total of what I do there. I don’t want to be “busy”. I want to just “be”…to rest with no demands…no interruptions…whether that resting be reading, praying, napping, just sitting…whatever.

All alone in a log house…a large log house. Talk about ambiance. I should get some pictures of that, too.  I know they want some, but I am not sure what they want. I’ll try to remember to ask before they leave.

I will be bringing my comfort foods and the things I want to eat. I not only do not want to put them out for food (I am staying for free), but it is also nice to know what to expect. I don’t want to have to wonder where the boundaries are…so I am bringing my own. It is easier for me that way.

Earlier today…I started to sense hurt inside again. Could it be that my system is looking ahead to having the privacy to feel pain and express pain? No holds barred? It’s certainly possible.

I leave tomorrow evening. It is time to go to bed. I might get a little bit of reading time in. It depends on how long it takes hubby to get to bed.

Good night, everyone!

I hope I don’t forget anything.

Evaluating Connections

I’ve been taking a look at my life and at my connections to other people. I think it is time to take a look at what connections are strong and what ones are weak…and why. Which ones build up and which ones tear down…in either direction.

I don’t want to be someone who tears anyone down, even inadvertantly. Nor do I wish to be torn down…naturally. I don’t want to be someone who disappoints others, either. Realistically, though, that is going to happen…the disappointment anyway. I certainly don’t set out to tear anyone, although, that does not mean that someone cannot “perceive” it that way.

I only have so much time and energy and I am realizing that I am not spending enough of what I do have with the One person who means the absolute most to me…or who should mean the most anyway. If time spent is an indication of priorities, then this One does not have the right priority in my life.

That is a lot of what I am working on right now. I have to spend time doing life. There is no way around that. However, I also need to take time with my Creator…Yeshua/Jesus. The more I do that, the easier it gets to make it through life. Notice…I did NOT write “easy”. Nope, life is very difficult for me, especially with my living situation. I just know that, without Him, I am dust. I just cannot do this life. It keeps throwing me too many curve balls and those closest to me are simply not enough to keep me going…not in this situation.

So…back to friendships…to heart connections. Who tears me down? Who lifts me up? Am I tearing anyone down, however subtly or inadvertantly? Am I lifting others up? Who gives me strength? Who drains me? Is there anyone I should try to reconnect with? Is there anyone I should let go of? Who can I best support? Who should I not try to support? Who helps me grow? Who hinders my growth? Who can I help grow? Whose growth do I hinder?

These are some of the questions I am asking the Holy Spirit to show me the answers to. They are too big for me to answer myself, however, I need to be open to receive the answers. I need to be open to whatever those answers are. Perhaps, some of those answers may help to make life less overwhelming?

Victims and Letting Go

I am not sure where this is going to go. I am puzzled by something and am not sure how to express it. It has to do with being hurt…and expressing that hurt. It seems that, to some, if you express hurt, it automatically means that you are “acting like a victim”. I guess I just don’t get that.

I mean…can’t one be hurt without being a “victim”? Hmmm…I think I will go look up the word and see what good old Webster’s has to say about it. This is what it says at the online Merriam-Webster dictionary site:
victim

Main Entry:

vic·tim

Pronunciation:

\ˈvik-təm\

Function:

noun

Etymology:

Latin victima; perhaps akin to Old High German wīh holy

Date:

15th century

1: a living being sacrificed to a deity or in the performance of a religious rite2: one that is acted on and usu. adversely affected by a force or agent (the schools are victims of the social system): as a (1): one that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions (a victim of cancer) (a victim of the auto crash) (a murder victim) (2): one that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment (a frequent victim of political attacks) b: one that is tricked or duped (a con man’s victim)

Hmm…I guess that, technically, if someone experiences hurt from some source, that makes them a victim. However, I also notice that the examples given here seem to be pretty serious. So, maybe, it does not really apply to smaller hurts? I don’t know.

I guess another question is…is being a “victim” a bad thing? Hmm…let me restate that another way. Obviously, no one would say that being hurt is a good thing! I guess what I am asking is this:
If a person is hurt…and expresses that hurt…is that bad? Is that playing the victim role? Or is it simply expressing a truth about how/what they are feeling? Expressing their perspective? Is there a “right” or “wrong” in this? Feelings are what they are. Perspectives are what they are. Isn’t it possible for people to have differing perspectives and feelings and yet both be “right”? Or even both be “wrong”?

I guess another related question would be this:
If more than one person is hurt…and they all express their hurt…is only one being a “victim”? Does only one person have the “right” to be a “victim”?

Oy vey, this is getting complicated. I guess it would help to explain what has triggered this pondering. I had someone say that I was acting “like a victim” in regards to something. I am not quite sure I understand what this person means. If we follow the definition of being adversely effected, perhaps everyone involved could be considered a victim? So, if this person expresses hurt…isn’t that also acting “like a victim”? I have to admit that I am a bit confused by all this.

Oh, well. There are some things that I may never understand…and I really don’t think I need to understand everything in order to live a somewhat emotionally healthy life. I think it is important to know what to let go of and what to hold on to. I am choosing to let go of this one. It is too complicated for me.

Expressing Anger

It feels as if it has been forever since I have been able to come here to write. There are some things that have kept me away from my keyboard. The last few days I have been thinking about anger. What do you do when you cannot safely express anger at the offending person?

I would really love to hear others’ thoughts on this. You can comment anonymously.

I had something happen early in 2006. It was an incident that scared the heck out of me. I was backed into a corner, figuratively speaking, and interrogated for about an hour. I am proud of how well I did. I held my own pretty well. However, I had to use restraint for fear that it might cost someone else his job.

It was terrifying, angering, triggering. I still see the person who did this, on occasion…not by choice. Life circumstances bring us together, along with the woman who was also there when it happened. It is usually from a distance within a group and there are polite exchanges, nods and smiles…all very innocuous…as if nothing had happened.

I am pretty sure that they…both him and her…were afraid of my diagnosis. I wish they had asked me about it. Instead they asked someone behind my back. Grrrr! Even if the end result had been the same, it could have been handled differently.

Sometimes, I picture in my mind going into his office, and bringing her in, too. I want to tell them I forgive them, but to please not do that to anyone again. I was treated as if I were a criminal trying to hide something. I was made to feel as if I had been deceptive.

Other times, I want to corner him and really lay into him. How dare he treat me like that! I want to tell him what I really think…that he may be cult and that he is not fooling me and a whole host of things that run through my head. Obviously…that would NOT be a good idea to try out for real!

The other person was also accused of hiding something, but he managed to keep his job. What were we “hiding”? My cult background. There was nothing to disclose! It made no difference. It did not effect my ability to do what they asked me to do there. The group was not in any danger. Yet, it did not matter. I lost. I lost something that I was really feeling good about doing…all because someone there got wind of my background and got scared.

I cannot go to them and express my anger over what happened, although, in my mind, I sometimes do. So, what do I do with it? I will do fine for a while. Then something triggers it to the surface again and I find myself making comments of a type that I really don’t like to think of as coming from my heart. I realize that there is something still in there.

I do not want a root of bitterness to grow within me. I have chosen to forgive and, every time it comes up, I say it again…”I choose to forgive him/them.” It is mostly him because I think she just pretty much followed his lead. I forgive her for following him. I forgive the group for giving him so much power and authority.

Overall, I believe in the group they work for and don’t want to make waves for the group or friends who work there. Still, I am left with this anger and hurt that keeps coming up. The PTSD part of it at least is gone…other than the anger that sometimes gets stirred up. When it first happened, the PTSD was awful. It had just finally started to settle down from something else when this happened.

So, what do I do with this anger? How do I express it? That is what I think I need to work on now. I would love to hear from others what their thoughts are.

Answer to ? About Seeking Out My History

This question was posted:

what do you mean… seek out your history? and why?

rose

Hi, Rose, you ask a good question. I am partially amnesic. It is something that will be coming out more and more as write this blog, but I will start with the most blatant part of it that I see. I don’t remember my younger sister.

You see, I have a sister who is 8 years younger than I am. I lived in the same house with her for at least 10 years. Yet, I can count on one hand the number of real memories I have of her. I have very clear memories of photos of her, but that is not the same thing. I even have a set of photos I took of her at a special event; and yet, try as I might, I can only get hazy bits of memory about that event. Looking at the pictures does not evoke any real sense of being there. Nor does looking at any of the other pictures I have of her.

I don’t recall when it suddenly struck me that she was gone from my consciousness. All I know is that I was an adult and had been away from home for quite awhile. I do have one memory of being with her once when I was visiting after I had moved away, but that is about it. What I remember of our conversation was very telling and very sad.

I also came to another realization one day. As I was looking at the photo albums my parents had it suddenly struck me that all of my younger childhood memories were just the photos in the albums. There are no moving pictures…just still shots. Almost all are from the third person perspective, as if I was there as an observer looking at myself instead of experiencing it as a participant, being myself. My mother had told me stories about the photos many times over the years. Somehow, my mind had taken the stories and the photos and created “memories”.

Both of these realizations came as a bit of a shock to me, but I know I must have been ready for it. I know that God allows things to be revealed as I am ready for it.

So, for me, I had to let go of what I used to think was my history and start seeking what my history really is. I have asked the One who knows all about it…God…to lead me in this adventure. And that is exactly what it has been…an adventure! It has also been incredibly hard and led me to remember things that rocked my life.

I don’t know the details of what is left buried inside, but I do have the overall big picture now. I have also read enough information on what I have uncovered about myself and met enough other people with similar backgrounds that I don’t think there will be too many surprises to come.

I cannot really force any memories to surface. So, what I mean by “seeking” is that I try to be open to what comes up. I try to have an open heart and open mind.

I hope this answers your question!