Archive for the ‘ramblings’ Category

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Rambling Thoughts About My Sis and Dreams

May 3, 2008

I still think about my sister off and on.

I am now to the point of finally being able to look at what our relationship might have been like had we not been in an abusive cult family. What would she have been like? What would I have been like? Would we have enjoyed the close sister companionship that I see others enjoying?

It is not a matter of living in the world of “what if”. I think it is valid to think about how things could have been different and to hope for something better to come. Of course, that something better with her will not happen in this world. I have to wait for the world to come.

So, while I am still here…maybe it would not hurt to imagine what our relationship will be like in heaven. Will we giggle together? Will we “ooh” and “ahhh” over the beauty we see around us? Will we show one another butterflies and other beautiful creatures that we see? Will she run up to me all excited because she has found something she wants to show me? Will I wrap my arms around her and give her a warm and loving embrace? So unlike… *tears*

I’m sorry, sis. I wish I had been a better big sister. I wish I had been given the opportunity to be a better big sister. I wish we had been raised in a different family and environment. I wish…

But wishes mean nothing. They are just old dreams that fall to the ground like dead leaves in the Autumn. They are nothing…only meant to be trampled into the ground where they will rot away into nothing. Yet, even in the rottenness, they fertilize and feed a new generation…one that will have nothing to do with the dreams that could not be. They will be encouraged…and spurred onward toward living their dreams…real dreams…dreams that are possible because they are not “cult”.

Those are my rambling thoughts today.

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