Archive for the ‘rant’ Category


What Do You Do With Anger?

April 19, 2010

I feel like saying something. I feel like wagging a finger in someone’s face. I feel like getting a bit loud. I feel like yelling. I feel like…what??? I don’t know. I don’t do anger very well. I try to be very understanding, very forgiving. I try to let go of my wants for the sake of others. We give…for their sakes…but they don’t even have a clue how much we give. And for one of them…that is OK. But the other. I need some acknowledgment. When you work so hard to present as “normal”…whatever the heck that is…it is so easy for the other one to forget who you really are…what you really are…who ALL you really are. It has been building up for some time.

So…what, exactly, DO you do with anger? With frustration? With an inability to get to what you feel you need? An inability to do what you feel you need to do? To process all the stuff you have had to put on hold for the last few years. Talk about healing interrupted! I know it is not totally interrupted, but in so many ways it HAS been.

I have grown in the sense that I have actually been holding it together through all of this. Well…I believe it is my Abba who has really been holding me together. Many times I have reached the end of my proverbial rope and it is my Abba who has kept me going…who is holding me together.

I am human. I have feelings…sometimes very conflicting feelings…depending upon the who and the what. Again…something that tends to be forgotten by the very one I most need to remember that. I am OK…but that does not mean that I do not have those feelings to battle at times. He does, too, and even from some of the same things. We each have our stuff. And then…I have stuff for more than one.

I think it is time to remind someone. I am praying about the how and the when. Do I write it?  Do I speak it? And then there is who should write it or speak it? What “voice” do I use? What will be best heard? Best received? I am not talking about manipulation here…I am talking about practicality. Know your audience. Speak accordingly.

Is it hopeless? Sometimes it feels like it is. Some times…it feels as if things will never change.  It feels as if I will always have to hide a lot of myself. I have to accept that life might just be that way. Can I do that? Can I trust enough for that?

Our living situation is going to change…most likely during this summer/fall…maybe sooner. That will bring a lot of challenges of its own…while also opening up some things for me. How will I handle that? I don’t know yet. I am trying to get prepared for both change…and for no change. I really hope that I do not have to face no change.


Insurance Company Rant

March 12, 2008

Insurance companies! They tell you that you have plenty of coverage. But then they make your therapist check in with them so often just to get more visits authorized! And he does not get paid for that extra time. I am paying for the insurance, yet someone has to fight/go through hoops in order for me to use it!! ARGGG!!!!

With my background, single sessions are like putting bandaids on a gushing wound. I cannot just waltz in the door and take down all the walls I have up to contain the effects of the abuse so that I can function somewhat “normally” (whatever the heck THAT means) in life, go deep to get at the root issues and then slam those walls back into place so that I can go back out that door and do “life”…all in less than one hour!

It takes time to get those walls down…time to go deep…time to pull it all back together again to face life outside of that “safe” room. So, my t (therapist) asked my insurance company how to bill for some double sessions. Turns out you have to do a phone review (which he does not get paid for) to get them. Now, I can’t really fault them for that. They want to know what is up that I need this special consideration. I do understand that.

But then they only authorize enough sessions so that within about a month and half, he is having to ask for more sessions. What is up with that? It does not take a degree in anything to figure out that abuse that has run through childhood and into adulthood and marriage is not going to get “fixed” in a month and a half!! Duh!!!

Going to single sessions is like putting a bandaid on the issues. I don’t want bandaids! I want to do serious work! I do NOT want to be t (therapy) the rest of my life!! I want to work hard and move on!! You would think that is what my insurance company would want, too, right? Well, I doubt it. I think they just want to pay as little out as possible. And I can appreciate that, too. I really can.

However, having to constantly see the small number of visits approved and my t having to jump through hoops just to get those is DEPRESSING!! That only makes things worse…not better!! Are they wanting to help me or hinder me???

I talked to a Case Manager (CM) on the phone. She was wondering if I should consider medication. What for? I am not consistently depressed…although this insurance thing is contributing to some depression. I have something natural that works on an as needed basis. It makes no sense to get onto an antidepressant when I am not consistently depressed. In addition, there are times when you SHOULD feel depressed…or bummed out…or whatever. It is natural to feel that way sometimes!

Not only that, but the only antidepressant that I could find in the past that worked for me without having bad side effects, is no longer on the market! I am not going to risk my sanity and mental wellbeing to try more drugs…especially ones that can make me feel crazy and suicidal! Nope…that is counterproductive!

Then the CM asks me about intensive programs. I have a whole list of reasons for not doing one of those…starting with there are very few that really deal with the type of abuse I have gone through! Add to that no transportation, no gas money and the fact that I am responsible for the care of another person during the day. I already struggle to make copays…how much more of a copay would an intensive program be???

Plus, even if all that were in place…I have been betrayed already by two t’s who had the right experience. It is something to write about separately…but I will say that I have friends who think it is a miracle that I even go to a t now. I would be terrified to go to an intensive program and even more so if it was overnight.

I am not sure that it would really do that much good anyway. There are no quick fixes. Intensive programs, from what I have seen, are more for stabilization…or for when flashbacks become so intrusive that they make a person unsafe or unable to function. My flashbacks are annoying, but they do not make me unsafe. I do go through very short periods of having difficulty functioning, but not enough to warrant an intensive program…at least not at this point. And even if it were the case…would I be able to trust enough to go to one? That is a HUGE question for me!!

Right now I go to a t who has NO experience working with SRA clients. He has no real knowledge of programming. He cannot access me. I feel safe with him…and he is good and accepting and very open. He is just what I need right now. Plus, if he really gets stuck, he has my CA t to call for some wisdom. She has the experience and I trust her, having worked with her for several years before moving here.

It also does not help that I was retraumatized three times since moving here, twice by therapists! I am doing pretty darn good for all I have been through. I have been slammed and I refuse to give up! I keep fighting and pushing forward! I just want my insurance company to honor me in that fight and work WITH me, not AGAINST me!

Is that really too much to ask???

I don’t know.

Maybe it is. **sigh**

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