Archive for the ‘religion’ Category

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It’s Time…to Write…

October 15, 2010

I need to write. It is time…perhaps even past time. I am fighting tears right now and, I must confess, not doing a very good job of it.

Maybe it is the time of year. Maybe it has to do with my parents (I know there is anger under the surface with that one). Maybe it is what feels like a tenuousness in my living situation (even though I am seeing Yahweh do amazing things). Maybe it is being in contact with a cousin (mother’s side) for the first time in many, many years (we never lived close so I have only met her a few times). Maybe it is my expectation of what may be to come…system wise…when we do finally move into the house (which will be unfinished inside). Maybe it is my age and/or the way this living situation has taken its toll on my health. Maybe it is something I don’t even know about…something that is buried deep inside and whirling around.

I see things I want to do…but cannot. My situation and time, along with my state of emotional/mental health holds me back. I want to contribute in ways that I am simply unable to. I want to keep up with my online friends…and cannot. And all of these things are OK…I know (in my head) that they are. But I struggle in my heart. My online friends…in all of their various places…mean a lot to me. They are a form of support that is precious to me. Yet…as beautiful and precious as they are…they are not enough. They, too, are human and facing challenges of their own. They are not able to always be available…which leads me to the next thing I need to write about.

There is something that has been happening in my spirit over a long time. But lately, well, the only way I know to describe it is that it is almost like a surge. It is as if my heart connection with Yahweh has surged forward. I have been facing some challenges…which I have really tried my best to deal with. Those challenges…like challenges often do…have pushed me toward Him even more. I need His wisdom and His guidance, but mostly…I need to rest in His love.

It seems that my faith gets stretched and my spiritual maturity grows through that. And then it seems like I hit the wall. I am utterly helpless and I find it necessary to fall back upon the childlike aspect of my faith. Yeshua said that we should trust like children do. And so that is what I do…I just fall into His love and trust Him for the things I simply cannot do…or even see.

So I rest in Him, trusting Him and drawing even closer to Him. The strength, maturity and depth from the stretching I went through settles in while He is preparing me for the next stretching session. I stretch. I grow. I rest. Stretch. Grow. Rest. A cycle that is as old as time and yet very much in the present and will continue to be right there in the midst of my future. One long strand tying past to present to future.

There are things in that “maybe” paragraph that I think I need to write about…but I think I will separate them out into different posts.

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What’s Going On…

June 5, 2010

I am not sure what I am feeling. Physically…I feel so-so. I am always a bit up and down when it comes to physical stuff. Mentally…not doing too badly. This is not one of my “space cadet” days. Emotionally…hmmm…how do I describe it? It is almost as if there is an emotion…some kind of feeling…just beneath the surface. I catch glimpses of it now and then, but it is not strong enough to identify it. So, I am left unsure of what I am feeling.

Then it comes on stronger…but not any clearer. It is very frustrating. Same old thing…emotional flashbacks. Or…it could also simply be something inside that needs to come out but my living situation just does not allow for that. I picked up a cloth doll that I need to pack outside because there is just no room in here. Oh, the feeling I felt when I just sat there holding it. It has been sooooooo long. The younger parts of my being need an outlet. I typically curtail them. They want to express and I feel I must say “no”. Sometimes that is VERY hard. It is like they surge forward and I have to fight and explain to them that others would not understand…that it is not safe. Oh, the longing I sometimes feel from them. *sigh*

I hate it when I feel antsy…especially when I am either unsure what to do about it…or don’t have good access to what I need to do about it.  I really need to get to a private place…speaking of which I am so excited about next week. I get to go spend three days all alone in a big log house. Some friends are going away and I am going to spend the time just “being” and going through my art work so I can take photos for the upcoming webinar I am going to do. I have been packing and paying attention to what I need to bring.

The main focus, of course, is going through my art for the webinar. They have huge rooms with lots of floor space. I will actually be able to lay all my art pieces out and see them all so that I can organize them and sort them. They also have some rooms with good outside light coming through the windows. I am hoping to get some good photos that way without having to use flash. We’ll see how they turn out.

My date got changed from August to July, so I really need to get working on it. I do already have a list started of what I want to cover in the webinar. I don’t think it will really take me that long to finish it once I get the art pieces organized and photographed.

Other good news is that progress is being made on a place for us to move to. It will probably be several more months…although I keep hoping it will be sooner. I have made it through this so far, but it has been really hard. It is my hope to get into a bigger place and be able to work more on areas of healing that I am unable to do now. I look forward to doing more healing art…to writing more poetry. I am hoping that the guitars and keyboard are not ruined being in a shipping box in this weather for 4 1/2 years.

I am looking forward to getting back into shape. This living situation has taken its toll on my health, my weight and my overall fitness.

I am looking forward to being able to organize things and find things. I am looking forward to not being paralyzed by being surrounded and closed in upon.

I am looking forward to having PRIVACY!!!!!! To having doors I can shut and be ALONE!!!!! Yes!!!!

I am doing OK overall, although it does not always feel that way. I really have to take things one day at a time. I struggle at times with not living in my head in order to escape the reality of my living situation. That is especially the case when things are tougher…like when I am sick…as I was recently.

I will get through this. I have made it this far. I will make it to the end. I know my heavenly Abba has His plan…His purpose…His timing…for all things. I trust Him.

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Blogrolls…

May 5, 2010

No…not dinner rolls…or the boat rolls…or waves roll…or any other kind of roll. Blog rolls. Every once in a while, I find that I am on someone’s blog roll. It never ceases to surprise me and amaze me. Each time, I think “what on earth do they find in my writings that make them worthy of being put on someone’s blog roll?”

Or I look at my subscriber list. Now…it does not show me who is subscribing. It is just a number. But that number represents real people who think my blog…or a particular post…is worth reading. Again…whenever I happen to look at that part of my stats…I am amazed. Moi? People think moi has something useful to say? Why? It makes me stop and think about why I write.

When I first started blogging, I was sick of the forum scene…not that all forums are bad…they are NOT! In fact, I have experienced some incredible healing in forums. Yet I have also experienced some of the deepest wounding. Plus, forums are limited in their readership. I wanted to be able to share with more people…and, hopefully, get more input. So, I decided to start blogging!

It was my hope…and still is…that when people read here, they find someone who understands…who “gets it”. Someone whose life experiences might not be identical (is anyone’s ever really anyway?)…but someone whose experiences emotionally, and maybe even mentally, are similar.

I hope that you can see someone who keeps on fighting…who keeps on pushing through…even when she wants to give up (like now…but that is another post). I hope that, as I share what works for me…and what does not…it might help you find something that works for you. Or maybe it will help you to not feel so badly if it is not working for you. After all…if it did not work for me either…then just maybe…it is not us. Maybe it is the whatever it is that we were trying that did not work. Or maybe…we just need to work it in a different way and we can help each other to find that way.

I hope that we can learn together. When people comment and share their thoughts, it stimulates dialog. I learn from dialog. I learn from others…which is why I read others’ blogs, too…when I can get to them. My life often makes that difficult, but I do make the rounds when I can. And I always try to find something to comment about in others’ blogs. I do that for two reasons. One is to let them know that they are being read. The other is to affirm them…to encourage them. I know what it is like to write and wonder if anyone is reading…if anyone is “listening”. I know what it is like to share struggles and get…nothing.

So…here I am…amazed again. I just discovered my blog in a blogroll at Crazy-making. I almost have to laugh. The name can sure fit my life at times! Crazy-making. I am working on making it less crazy-making. *smile* I am honored to be included. This blogger is trying to make lists of client bloggers (as opposed to therapist bloggers) and also art bloggers. Very interesting!

It reminds me that I have been wanting to get some of my art work up here…even though I am really not an artist. The focus of my art work is therapy. Believe me…artistry is NOT my talent. My difficulty in getting them up, though, is getting some decent photos of them. I took some  a while back…but I only got some pieces and the quality of the photos is rather poor. I have a much better camera now. It has been a project on my to do list for some time to go some place where I know I can probably get better pics of them. Better lighting. More room.  I need to get that done in plenty of time for me to put something together for an upcoming webinar I am doing on art therapy from a non-artist’s perspective.

Well…that’s it for now. I have lots to do today so I am not sure when I will get back here. It may not be until tomorrow. I hope that everyone reading is doing well. If you are struggling…remember that you are NOT alone! There ARE those who do understand…who do get it…and who do care. Be good to yourself. Also remember that there is a Creator out there who does want to touch your life…who wants to set you free.

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Some Quotes…

May 2, 2010

The Vague Collective…on their blog “The Search for Clarity” has three quotes that I really like. Well…actually she has more than three, but these three are what I want to share right now.

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” – E.E. Cummings So true. It seems like there are so many out there trying to mold us into what they want us to be…which may be entirely different from who we really are. hasatan in the garden tried to mold Adam and Eve into something they were not. His attempts brought sin into the world. He is still trying to mold us. Our parents tried to mold us. Our abusers tried to mold us. Bosses, neighbors, siblings, teachers, etc. …all tried to mold us.

There is only One I want molding me…the Creator of the universe. I want His Ruach/Spirit dwelling within me to mold me. I want Yeshua/Jesus to mold me through what He did for me. I want my heavenly Abba/Father to mold me into the image of His Son…who is an image of Him. I don’t pretend to understand it all. In fact, the more I learn, the more I realize I do NOT know or understand. But I do understand this…Yeshua took on all of my blow-its…all of my ugliness…all of my failures and sinfulness. He paid the penalty so that I would not have to. He opened the door to forgiveness…and freedom. He kept me alive. He keeps me alive. So much of my healing comes from and through Him. He holds me together when I cannot take another step.

As hard as it is…I like being molded into what He created me to be…the me I really am.

“You don’t have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.” – C.S Lewis   I really like this. I am not my body. And just as I am not my body…I am also not the things I have done…or the things that have been done to me. I am a Soul. That Soul is unique to me…it makes me who I am…different from every other Soul that has ever existed. My Soul is eternal. My body will fade away…just as my past will fade away…and all the things I have done or that have been done to me will fade away. I am a Soul! I have a body. I like that.

“Love means to love that which is unlovable; or it is no virtue at all.” – GK Chesterton (…and that includes usselfs!)  I agree with Chesterton and I agree with the Vague Collectives add-on. Love that comes easy isn’t really a virtue. There are times in my life that I have not been very lovable. I am so grateful for those people who loved me anyway. They are the truly virtuous ones!

Thank you, Vague Collective, for these quotes!

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No Pretending…No Hiding…

April 27, 2010

I am not going to pretend that I am not struggling…because I am. I spent a HUGE part of my life pretending.

Pretending I was not effected.

Pretending I was not hurt.

Pretending I was not confused.

Pretending I was not angry.

Pretending I was happy.

Pretending I wanted to live.

Pretending I was OK.

Pretending I did not think I was losing my mind.

Some might call it “hiding”.

Hiding my true feelings.

Hiding what I was going through.

Hiding my hurt and pain.

Hiding my anguish.

Hiding my humiliation.

Hiding my fear and lack of confidence.

Pretending…or hiding. Does it really matter what you call it? I just refuse to play the game any more. However…having said that…I am also not going to check my brain at the door. I am smart. A stupid person would not have survived all of this. While I refuse to play the game…I also refuse to expose myself unnecessarily. Some risks are worth taking…and some are not.

Right now…I need help. I cannot get it in the standard survivor places. For whatever reason, the Ship keeps timing me out. Sometimes I can get on just fine…and stay on. Most of the time, however, I cannot get on or I get kicked off fairly soon after getting on. That makes it impossible for me to use the Ship much for getting or giving support.

I have no therapist. I don’t really have any 3D people who support me fully. I have some who care and who support as they can…but they don’t know the “whole” story…and so are only partially useful.

When I think of 3D support…there is a couple who have started coming to mind…a pastor and his wife. It is interesting because, when I first met them, I had a “feeling” I should talk to them. However, at the time, nothing fell into place for that. There was an uncomfortableness…something was in the way. Since then, I have gotten to know them in a different venue. Over time, we have really connected…something that really took off when I listened to the L-rd and went and prayed for them and talked with them after they had gone through something.

Now…as I am getting desperate for some kind of 3D support, they keep coming to mind. Is G-d telling me that I can trust them? That I can be more open with them and they will at least accept it…even if they don’t understand it? I don’t know. I am not rushing into anything. I am going to keep on praying about it.

My pastor knows my Dx, but there are reasons that he and I just will not work out. Plus…with this guy…I am well connected to his wife. That is even better. There is also another pastor who knows my background, but not my Dx. He is really nice…and very caring…but I am just not prepared at this point to open up further with him, either.

So…what will I do with this? I really don’t know…other than keep praying about it. Desperation always passes eventually…but it is awful while in the midst of it. I just know that I need help…I need support…and they keep coming to mind. It would be so nice to have at least one couple that I could be more open with.

There was another couple that I felt pretty comfortable with. Thing is…he has a rather strong personality. I saw him get miffed about something and he scared me. No…he is not scary and he did nothing wrong. Every person has a right to get angry. But something happened inside that I now have to work through. That makes me kind of sad. He is a really neat guy and was OK for quick hugging…in front of his wife, of course. I really like her and connect with her, but their schedule makes it difficult to get together with them. And if we don’t get together…it is kind of difficult to work through the issue of his becoming scary to me.

So no…I am not doing the greatest. I have been worse, but I have also been a lot better. I won’t pretend that I am not having some rough days. I will keep looking to my Creator. He is the only One who can get me through this. Yeshua will never leave me or forsake me. The Ruach makes me strong.

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Update…of Sorts…Rambling Thoughts

April 18, 2010

So here I am…sitting here with many thoughts going through my head. I think I will share some here…in no specific order.

It is amazing how my heavenly Abba works things out. I recently reconnected by email with an online friend. Then I went to a webinar. During that webinar (which was excellent, by the way), we had the opportunity to respond to what the presenter was sharing about building healthy relationships with others.

Well, in the process, someone else there really related to what I was sharing. So, I gave out one of my emails…not the one I typically use with the aforementioned friend. The woman I met on the phone at the webinar wrote to me and I recognized her email addy. It was my friend! We actually got to “meet” on the phone and did not even know it because we were using screen names that were different from when we had met before. The funny thing, too, is that we knew each other by at least two other screen names each. Know we have a third! We were both excited to reconnect in two ways!

I am thinking about the webinar I am planning on doing. What artwork will I use? How will I get decent photos of the pieces? What will I share? I am looking forward to writing something up and picking out the pieces. I am excited about doing the webinar and hope I can be ready by August…given the unknown of my living situation between now and then.

I am thinking of mother’s day…of father’s day…of my parents. My “relationship”, which is pretty much non-existent, was part of what I shared about in the webinar. The ball is in their court and I am waiting…patiently…for his eventual response. Truth be told, most of the time I don’t even think about it.

However, Kitty (the presenter) shared something called DARVO. Boy, did that describe my family. D is for Deny, which is the first thing the abuser does when confronted. Then…they Attack…which is A. RVO is for Reverse Victim and Offender. By attacking me, when I confronted my parents, I became the “offender” and they the “victims”. I was “hurting them” with what I was saying. I also related to the fact that Kitty, when talking about denial, used the phrase “I don’t remember”. That is EXACTLY what my father said…”I don’t remember doing those things.” Boy, did I relate.

I am thinking of my my marriages…and the vast difference between the two…and the similarities, too. After all, I was in both of them and I have issues. How my husbands responded to my issues is different. And yet…there are times when my current husband can set me off.

I am thinking about sexuality…but that is a whole other post.

I am thinking about my sister, my birthday and her death. She died on my birthday…while I was regaining cult memories. Her death was odd…the manner, the timing. Everything about it and about what happened afterward was just plain wierd…and had the earmarks of cult.  Why was I stronger? Why did I get out? Why am I free? Is she even really dead? Or do they have her somewhere. So many questions…ones that I doubt I will get answers for before I stand before my Creator at the end of time.

I think about my sister…how young she was…how she was living on extended time as a hard core alcoholic and bulimic. I think about the cult family she was living with and how they treated her. I think about her boyfriend who never married her…which was good in the end. I might never have even known she was dead if his parents could have been able to claim her body. I think of their attempts to manipulate me…and of my parents’ attempts.

And I wonder if my parents think of her…and what they think of her. I wonder if they really even think of me…or is it still all just about my son?

I think about the art I want to do…and have no place or privacy to do. I long to do my art…to get back to processing things…whether by art or by writing…by poetry, journaling or blogging.

It has been difficult to find uninterrupted time in my busy days to write here. I feel as if there is so much inside to write about…and yet it is difficult to actually write. I feel as if I am just rambling in my thoughts…rambling in my brain and rambling on “paper”.

Ah, well. Sometimes it is good to just get the rambling out. Maybe it will only make sense to me. That is OK. I know my online friends won’t mind. They are very forgiving. Perhaps more thoughts of substance will come another time. For now…I will live in today…one day at a time. And I will love the people in my life today…each and every day. They are gifts for a time and I cherish them.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring…what joys or what sorrows…what new memories will be made or what old ones I will be reminded of. I do know Who holds me together and Who will always be with me…no matter what…my heavenly Abba, my Creator. I choose to walk. I choose to trust. Whatever comes with each new day…I will be given whatever I need to handle it.

I hope this post makes sense to others and that it helps someone else. I know it helps me to get things out. I wish I could write more…but I am keeping someone else awake. This is my best uninterrupted time…but it is also not my free time.  There is a weight hanging over me. *sigh* Maybe I can write more tomorrow. We will see.

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never…ever…give up

March 26, 2010

This was written on January 28, 2009.

never…ever…give up

jump here, jump there,
always play the game
life will never, never,
ever be the same

forget your dreams
forget your heart
just keep plugging along
forget your soul
forget your mind
this life is just a song

don’t be such a dreamer
wishing for something more
you’re stuck inside forever
you’ll never make the score

your wings are clipped
your mind has slipped
you’ll never learn to soar
your life is slight
not wrapped too tight
there’s never anything more

but you don’t have
to believe the lies
they tell you
to your face
pick up the salve
and break the ties
it’s your due
win the race

so take your feet
and stay the course
freedom’s no small feat
stay in the race
run to the Source
you’ll someday see His face

you were made for freedom
despite what they might say
He came to set you free
He came to make a way

so hold on tight
and don’t let go
the day’s not finished yet
He will make right
and them He’ll show
before the Son has set

never…ever…give up!

copyrighted

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Thinking About the Day

March 23, 2009

Every day is a gift…but do I see it that way? It is something that I think I need to pay attention to. I am not my own. I have been bought (in a beautiful and wonderful way) at a very steep price by Yeshua/Jesus. That opened the door for me to be adopted as one of Yahweh/God’s children. What an awesome thought!

So what does that really mean, especially to me as a survivor? It means that I have a real parent…a real Abba/Father…who loves me like my earthly father never could. He will never abuse me like my earthly father did.

Yahweh is spirit, neither male nor female. Since humans are created in His image, He obviously contains all that makes up both male and female. Therefore, He can represent to me both father and mother. A friend of mine once said that he sees the Holy Spirit (Ruach HaKodesh) as being that part of Yahweh that represents the more female aspects. The Ruach is a comforter and a teacher. I don’t know that we can really separate it out like that; but I do see that, if we are created in His image, then He must contain aspects of both male and female. As a married couple, we come the closest to representing His image on earth…I am thinking. Of course, I am not Yahweh, so I can only speculate as I study His word for truth.

The awesome thing about His being both Abba/Father  and Ima/Mother is that I was abused by both parents. So, He can be both of my parents in their place. I like that. It is very comforting.

I know that there are some who are uncomfortable with Yahweh representing Himself as “He” and “Father”…as male. I don’t have a problem with that. When you look at what the men are called to be…and so often fail miserably at…it is actually comforting. Men and women have different roles…neither above or below the other…simply different.

While both parents are called to protect their children…obviously…most men are bigger and stronger than most females. By and large, they are “hardwired” differently, too. Obviously, there will be exceptions, but most women (when they are not wounded and shamed out of the role) do tend to be nurturers and comforters and healers. Most men (when not wounded and shamed out of the role) do tend to be protectors and providers.

Now, I know this will cause a lot of uproar in those who are not understanding what I am saying…in those who may read into what I am writing here. I am not saying this is ironclad. I am simply looking at life and making observations…observations about what I see and about what I read in Yahweh’s book.

Men and women were created to work side by side with each other. Then…they blew it…big time! They disobeyed the One who created them and sin and all sorts of evils came into the world. Humankind was “cursed” as a result. I really don’t think that Yahweh was cursing them. I think that He was telling what they would be cursed with as a natural consequence of their own actions. It is very interesting what it says.

First you have the serpent, who gets them to question what Yahweh really said to them and who twists Yahweh’s words around. Then you get the woman who falls for it (being deceived, it later says). After that you get the guy, who it appears was standing there all along and did nothing to stop it from happening, who blows it eyes wide open. That is why later, it says that the sin and evil came into the world through his action…not through hers. She was deceived. He openly rebelled.

Part of the “curse” is that she will long for her husband and he will rule over her. Look at the world today. I see evidences of this happening all over the place. The marriages that work the best are the ones who follow Yahweh’s rules regarding it. She respects him as leader and he always seeks her counsel as a helpmate. They work together…neither one despising the other, but rather they respect one another in love. They recognize that each has different gifts and abilities and they work together to be united…as Yahweh is united.

One thing I really like is that the Hebrew word for helpmate, with only a very few exceptions, is used elsewhere in reference to the Lord Yahweh Himself. I would say that puts us ladies up there with some pretty impressive company when it comes to being a helper! Being a helpmate is not an insult…as so many seem to think…it is an honor! It was our position before sin and evil came into the world! Yahweh thinks we are pretty special!

So, what does all that have to do with “the day”? I am so glad you asked! I have been given this day. I am still alive. I am still functioning. So, what am I going to do with it? Am I going to walk in my Yahweh given role of honor? Or am I going to shirk it? Am I going to be seeking what He has for me to do this day? Or am I going to focus on my own thing?

Being a woman who lives in a fallen and sinful world, I know that I can be prone to being selfish and wanting to do my own thing…forgetting the One who brought me into a state of adoption into being one of Yahweh’s own children. I must focus my heart and all of my being on my calling…on my position as that child of the Most High Yahweh/God! I have responsibilities, as well as privileges.

I have the privilege of running in to my Abba’s throne room and sitting on His lap and being loved by Him. I also have the responsibility of any princess/daughter of a King…to fulfill my role of doing the work of His kingdom. What is that work? Well, it is all spelled out in His book…in His love letter to all of us…the Bible. Just make sure you get a real translation…a good translation…and not a watered down, modified paraphrase disquised as a translation. Read the real deal! It can change your life forever…for the better!

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One of Those Days

January 17, 2009

Ever have one of those days? You know the kind…where you are not crying, yet tears are sliding down your cheeks? I had one of those days yesterday.

I had things inside and just really needed to write…so I did. As I wrote, the tears started flowing…no crying…just silent tears. I went back and forth between writing and doing other things, but the tears just kept coming off and on for a while.

I am not sure what they are about. It would seem safe to assume that they were related to what I was writing about…which, I guess, could be summed up as disappointment? I don’t know. Maybe it was just sadness?

Then again…I guess it could just be a whole mixture of things going on inside that simply needed to come out.

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed. All I want to do is to just sit at Yeshua’s feet…or perhaps more accurately…to sit on my Abba’s lap…my heavenly Abba.  I need to let His love wash over me so that I can walk in His healing Shalom and in His ways. I praise Him for loving me and choosing me as His daughter…for that is what I am…a daughter of the Most High God!

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