Archive for the ‘Ritual Abuse’ Category

h1

Shutdowns…

December 11, 2021

Decades ago, during my first marriage, I used to shut down every day after my husband would leave for work and my son for school. I slid down against the cabinets in the kitchen where they met. My back would be leaning into the corner and I would just shut down.

I used to try and push through and be productive, but I found I was pretty useless. I would feel emotionally and mentally drained and as if I was physically slowed down. I could not think or really do anything well until I gave up and shut down. Once I shut down and came out of it, I would be fine and able to be productive and full of energy.

What does a shutdown look and feel like? The first thing I experience is the need to shut my eyes. I can hear just fine, but I am blocking my vision. In my mind, I am pulling inside of myself, yet I am not really going anywhere. I am very present and aware of my surroundings. I am not in Haven. It is as if I am just “being”, but taking a break from the world. Iam not thinking about anything. Trying to pull out of it before I was ready was difficult and pointless, but if the phone rang, I could handle it.

I was always alone during these shutdowns and never allowed them to happen in front of anyone else. Until…I did it one time in front of a therapist. It just happened.She just waited it out and then asked me where I went. I told her I did not know because I remained aware of my surroudings the whole time. That was decades ago.

In the last few months, I have felt an increased need to shut down, but did not do it. Until…this week. I was in my therapist’s office and we were starting to explore what might be behind my over eating and I just shut down.

My therapist did not know what was going on and tried to talk to me. I ignored her. I hated to do that because I did not want her to be concerned, but it can be hard to pull out enough to speak. When she called my name sharply, I just shook my head briefly to let her know I heard her and to reassure her I was OK. She got the message and just waited.

I felt pressure to push myself out of it, especially since it was not how I wanted to spend my appointment time. I did push out earlier than I really wanted and it was challenging. I tried to explain what happened.

I started to feel some anger, but could not place the source or reason, although I am sure it is connected to the trauma being reflected in my eating. I certainly have reason enough to be angry.

So that is what a shutdown looks like…or at least, the best I can explain it.

h1

What’s food got to do with it?

December 3, 2021

Part of my struggle in the last few months, along with everything else, has been with food. I am not really sure when it started, but I have been struggling more and more with mindless eating. I just feel “hungry” and like I need to eat. It’s been rather frustrating as I have been gaining weight and now cannot even fit into one part of favorite go-to pants and the other pair is so tight I think they are affecting my circulation when I wear them. I can barely get them on.

I have been pondering what is behind this eating…this “hunger” and praying about it. A recent conversation with someone from an eating disorders group helped to open my mind to this struggle. The result is that I had an interesting experience on the way to work the next morning.

There are things I know about myself simply because I know them. I have no conscious memory of them, but they ring true. I have even heard myself say things I knew were true, but with no solid basis for knowing. I know that sounds weird. It is something probably only someone who has repressed memories would know. Knowing what I know about the cult groups also helps. I know what kinds of things they do.

I wondered if I had been starved and some wounded, scared part of me wants to eat because of that. As I pondered that thought, I felt no real emotion other than the need to understand. Then I thought about the horrible things they made us do and wondered if they starved us to use food as a “reward” for doing those horrible things. I could “imagine/see” in my mind children stuffing themselves at every opportunity in the vain hope of being able to not starve and not do the horrible things. Vainly because the adults could always out wait us. And boy did the emotions hit, which tells me I am on to something.

I think I have uncovered the key…or at least one key…to why I keep wanting to eat. It will be interesting what all comes out from this.

h1

Getting a therapist…

December 3, 2021

As I wrote in Interesting Developments, I have found it takes energy to stay amnesic. That discovery led to me searching for help, which led me to getting a therapist again. The whole stressful situation has led to me getting three support people in my life. A case manager who works with survivors of sexual violence, a peer recovery coach, and a therapist.

Yep, you read that correctly…a therapist. It is a bold step and not one taken lightly. I do not trust easily, especially if someone is an “expert” on DID or ritual abuse. But I finally was led to a therapist who knows a lot about trauma. I think it might even be safe to say she specializes in it. It was the case manager who led me to her and I have grown to trust the case manager.

The therapist accepts the reality of ritual abuse, but is not an expert in it. She accepts the reality of DID (and has worked with clients who have it) and yet, again, is not an expert in it. I have found the “experts” are usually dirty. They are infiltrators who keep their clients off balance, always needy and never fully healing or becoming independent. She does not have any indicators of being an infiltrator. I am watching and observing her and it appears we will be able to work together well.

She is very open to learning more, which I like because every person is unique. I also like it because it feels more like two equals, each helping the other. She can assist me in processing the memories and things coming up and I can help her learn more about DID and SRA.

h1

Being a Warrior and a Survivor…

November 29, 2012

I am a fighter…and I recognize that it is my Creator who gave me that ability to fight.

I am a survivor…and it is my Creator who brought me through all the hell to get to the wonderful place I am today.

I am filled with the Shalom of my Messiah Yeshua and it is His Ruach/Spirit that has helped me all along my healing journey.

I am a warrior, too. So, what is the difference between a fighter and a warrior? I think there is a lot. I started out as a fighter, fighting my way through what was going on in order to survive. I fought to be “sane” (whatever that means). I fought to make it through the day. I fought to stay alive. I fought to hide my true self from everyone around me. I fought to look “normal” so no one would know the truth. I fought and I fought and I fought, but it was a fighting that was based more upon instinctively swinging my “arms” to fend off an enemy.

Over time, though, I became a warrior. I went on the offensive. And that is when things really started to change. That is when the evil I was fighting really started to show itself for what it was…dark and malevolent. It was not that I did not see that before. It was not that I was not doing some warrior fighting before. But there came a time in my life when I had no choice but to come out swinging on the offensive. I had to for the safety of my youngest.

My battle to survive and just make it through life slowly transformed into a battle of fighting back until the fighting back became the main thing. After years of feeling as if I were struggling just to keep my head above water so I could breath, I slipped into years of taking ground. I started to fight for real healing.

There are some who decry the term “survivor”, as if that is somehow less than or as if it somehow holds us back. We must never use that term, but must instead call ourselves “thrivers”…or some other term to define who we are.

But I AM a survivor! I have survived horrendous things and made it out the end! I am PROUD of that. Being a survivor means they did not win! A cancer survivor is one who has conquered cancer. No one would ever think of telling him or her not to use that term! So, why is it not OK for us who have survived extreme abuse?

I am a survivor! I am alive! I am “sane”…well, I guess that may depend upon your definition of “sane”. I am smiling as I write that. I am HERE! I did not die. I did not end up in a mental ward. I did not end up in jail. I did not end up dead. I have a good marriage. I made it out of all the abuse. Yes, it took years to do. Yes, I am still partially amnesic. Yes, I have a lot of healing left to do. But I am ALIVE! I no longer answer to my abusers. Hallelu Yah!

I am both a survivor AND a thriver. You see, I don’t see it as an either/or kind of thing. I am both! And I am grateful. I can see the beauty in life and share it with others. Here is some of that beauty now.

 

 

h1

Still Here…and Freedom Run Ministries…

November 29, 2010

I haven’t completely dropped off the face of the earth! It only feels like it at times. I have been sick. Ugh! And my laptop is sick. Even after getting it back from the repair depot it STILL is not working right. Now I cannot even upload anything. Thankfully, I uploaded almost all of my art pieces for my art blog before I sent it in the first time. I just need to write the posts and get them published.

Still…this is annoying. I am very grateful for the gift of this laptop, but I simply cannot recommend Lenovo. They keep saying it is software. Well, if it is…it has to be THEIR software! They have already replaced the wi-fi card and then sent it back with some of my keyboard keys not working. Anyway, there is a whole lot more to this story, but I won’t bore anyone with the details. Suffice it to say, another shipping box comes tomorrow.

Being sick has one advantage. It gets my mind off of my parents…at least once the crazy thought cycling that tends to happen when I am sick calms down. I feel as if I have better clarity right now. I wrote my father and asked if he and my mother are OK. Mentioning that she was not responding to my emails, I wrote that I hope she is alright.

Now…I am done. Unless, of course, he responds. In that case, whether or not I am done will depend upon his response. For now, I am pushing them into the background of my thoughts and mind…and, possibly, right out the back door.

I believe in honoring my parents to the best of my ability. In this case, honoring them may mean leaving them alone. It did before. Maybe it is again. Someday…if we ever get into the house…I will probably do some artwork on this…and allow myself to feel grief. Right now…I cannot. I still feel too crummy to focus on anything very deep. And that is OK!

Life can have some very interesting turns. It is never boring. I meet new people…make new connections. I found a new resource called Freedom Run Ministries. You will find links in my sidebar. So many people do not want to focus on the spiritual side of Ritual Abuse. They do not believe there are any dark spirit entities that can play a role in the affairs of humans. When you do not know your enemy…you are in double danger. I hope you will check out their site. They are in the process of putting together lists of resources for survivors. They are doing their best to keep the list to safe resources. But, as I have learned in life, safety is something we are all responsible for. No one can know for sure that a person or place is 100% safe. And sometimes…people and places change.

h1

Another Day in the Neighborhood…

June 27, 2010

I was reading last night in the bathroom. I just wasn’t ready to go to bed. The book was fairly light reading…nothing heavy or majorly intense…although it did deal with spiritual warfare in an Amish community. When I was tired, I went to bed…figuring on having plenty of time to sleep.

When I laid down…I started to see baby toes on baby feet. It went from there to the feet and so on. Flashback time. So, I just laid there in bed dealing with it…no place to go. I was fighting a battle. On the one hand I was trying to force myself to be open to what I was seeing. On the other hand I wanted to push it all away.

Someday…all this stuff needs to be able to come out. Someday…I will need to get the privacy to allow it all to come out…and the fortitude. Someday…

I did finally get to sleep…but then I woke up early in the morning and never really got back to sleep. So now I sit here at 9:30 and I am tired! I have been tired…but unable to go to bed yet. When we move out of here my bedtime will no longer be contingent upon another person.  I am anticipating that SO much!

Regarding the flashbacks…I wonder…in the book I was reading this Amish woman witnessed an accident that took the lives of her husband, son and unborn child. She pushed it all away…resulting in hysterical blindness. In the book, she reaches the point where she wants to see again and realizes that one key to that is to allow the memories to come. I wonder if reading about that process that she was going through could have made me more open to having them?

On another note…we watched the Bourne Identity today.  I had never seen it. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be…and we watched the director’s cut with all the explosion scenes. Perhaps I had steeled myself against it. I don’t know.

Afterwards, though, I felt foggy and it was very difficult to think or function. Although I know others who have that kind of history…assassin training, etc. …I don’t. I relate to having amnesia…although not to the degree Jason Bourne has it. But then…my amnesia tends to be different from anyone else I have “met” so far. I have lost my sister. She is somewhere in this head of mine…but I don’t remember living with her for 10 years growing up. And other things are spotty, too.

After the movie…I just sort of talked to myself…reminding myself that this is NOT my story. NOT my history. There is absolutely NO indication that I have gone through anything like this. I have handled guns and fired them…it does not come naturally to me. No training.

Anyway…I am very tired. I couldn’t even bring myself to watermark more of my art. I need to get it all watermarked and exported before I send my PC in. Yeah…I am having PC issues.

Well…gonna wrap this up.

h1

Tough Time of Year and Survivor Guilt

October 14, 2009

This is always a tough time of year. Knowing what I do about what goes on around this time of year…well, it is really hard to just skate through it. In some ways, I am effected less. In other ways, more.

I was doing pretty well…or so I thought. I don’t know if it just crept up on me…or if the rest of life just combined with it to kind of push me over the edge a bit. I find that I have been battling some depression lately…and I am teary. There are things in my life that could certainly cause that…aside from being a ritual abuse survivor. However, I really cannot assume that the RA stuff does not also impact me.

I find it interesting that I feel almost guilty when I feel OK during this time of year…when I am able to push aside my survivor issues and just enjoy life. It almost feels as if I am betraying the ones who will die this year…the ones who will be abused and tortured…the ones who will be filmed and sold. They deserve to be remembered…to be prayed for. So…when I feel better…I almost feel as if that is a betrayal of them.

Yet…could it not actually be an honoring of them…in the sense that at least one of us got out and conquered. Well, not conquered exactly…but was able to find joy and at least be able to somewhat function? I don’t know. These are just the things I am thinking of…the things I am feeling.

I love this season…but hate this time of year. I love the colors and smells, but hate what is going on in hidden places where people do not want to see.

Survivor guilt. Why should I make it out? Why should I be able to enjoy life? Yet…it is in the enjoyment of life…in spite of my history…that, perhaps, my truest victory lies. I win when I can enjoy any aspect of life…any at all. I win when I can enjoy my freedom…instead of being bound to them…instead of being their slave. I win! So, why can’t I just enjoy the winning? Because I know others are still suffering.

Many who have broken free from the cult groups still suffer in body and soul. Many have not broken free and they definitely still suffer. My own sister never really made it out. Do I celebrate life in her honor? Yes. Still…I cannot help but feel some guilt. At least…I think it is called guilt. I just know I struggle with having too much knowledge. Ignorance, though, is not safe. *sigh*

%d bloggers like this: